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songchick

Forcing Yourself to have Sex to "Grow Up"

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songchick

I have read a lot about how people have never had sex, never fooled around, etc.  In comparison, my numbers are high.  I've had sex with 22 people (I counted once), and there was hanky panky with more than that.  How did this happen?  I guess for a long time, I went for sex because I thought it was the "mature" thing to do, and I wanted to be mature.  Also, I'd say for at least a couple, and a lot with the non-intercourse happenings, I actually was there against my will but I did not resist.  Basically, people flirted with me, then I didn't notice it and then all of a sudden I'm ending up with someone.  I have very little memories of sex whatsoever also.  It never feels good, it's all numb down there.  I remember the ambiance of the rooms I was in more than what happened in them.

 

But yeah, now it's not really happening for me and I'm glad for it.  I don't need to fit in or whatever.  I can just be myself.

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Galactic Turtle

I think that's the allure of multiple things that are considered to be "adult." Having your own car, smoking cigarettes, drinking alcohol, wearing super high heels, wearing makeup, having standard items for formal wear (like a suit or a black dress), getting into 21+ clubs, having sex, etc. So people rush into these things sometimes because they think that's what they're supposed to be doing or because if they're above a certain age they're supposed to be doing these things (sometimes in abundance). Or maybe they're not above a certain age but their friends are doing it and if they want to fit in then they'll do it too.

 

Personally the actions and behavior of other people have confused me since childhood and my reaction was to ignore them all and do whatever I wanted to do. This attitude carried into adolescence and adulthood. In hindsight, I think this is thanks to my parents letting me be who I wanted to be (within reason). For example, everyone at school might've found it lame that I liked Star Wars so much but at home I could be in my Jedi robes all day with no complaints. Honestly I was so heavily absorbed in my interests it didn't occur to me that I was being made fun of in the first place until much later by which point something everyone liked about me was that I was always myself. My two moments of heavy self doubt in life came from when my parents were vehemently against me doing something. I really look up to the values and character my parents have so I guess when they think something is wrong I must truly be in error.

 

Of course one of these moments was when I came out as asexual which made things pretty bumpy for a year or so. Part of growing up is realizing your parents aren't gods, they don't know everything, and they aren't perfect. I can see their point of view but was also able to reflect more on myself and my own personal wants and needs outside of the context of my family unit. That was one of my sort of maturing experiences.

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songchick
2 hours ago, Galactic Turtle said:

Personally the actions and behavior of other people have confused me since childhood and my reaction was to ignore them all and do whatever I wanted to do. This attitude carried into adolescence and adulthood. In hindsight, I think this is thanks to my parents letting me be who I wanted to be (within reason). For example, everyone at school might've found it lame that I liked Star Wars so much but at home I could be in my Jedi robes all day with no complaints. Honestly I was so heavily absorbed in my interests it didn't occur to me that I was being made fun of in the first place until much later by which point something everyone liked about me was that I was always myself.

I actually was like this a lot myself.  I had my independent interests that I clung to, completely separate from my classmates.  I studied the violin and viola at a serious level, and loved classical music as an act of rebellion against pop music.  I was so far removed, I could not tell the difference between Billy Joel and the Beatles until maybe... age 24?  I liked Star Wars too (PRE-1997).  

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luzblue

I too desired to have sex solely because I wanted to fit it. Just so that I wouldn't bum people out at parties, kind of!! I didn't even realize it wasn't "regular" to do it for those reasons... Every time I kept count too, as if it would make me more normal to be able to say that I had sex with one person, two people, three... Thank God I've gained perspective on that. NEVER have sex if you don't really want it. It's okay never to have sex at all if you don't come across a person or a situation that fits. What other people think, or what you picture other people thinking really shouldn't be important at all.

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Galactic Turtle
6 minutes ago, songchick said:

I actually was like this a lot myself.  I had my independent interests that I clung to, completely separate from my classmates.  I studied the violin and viola at a serious level, and loved classical music as an act of rebellion against pop music.  I was so far removed, I could not tell the difference between Billy Joel and the Beatles until maybe... age 24?  I liked Star Wars too (PRE-1997).  

Well I'm glad you have begun to apply this to other areas of your life as well. :) 

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Jade Cross

 

Quote

Part of growing up is realizing your parents aren't gods, they don't know everything, and they aren't perfect.

^ This.

 

I know my parents and I are not eye to eye on a lot of things when it comes to adulthood. If it was up to them, I would probably have two kids and either be filing for divorce and paying child support or be miderable in a marriage all for the sake of keeping up a charade of normalcy like they did. 

 

Funny how for two people whom 1) didnt want kids or get married (because theres not alot that can be misinterpreted of "I was never planning on marriage or kids"),and 2) regret having them (because no matter how you want to sugarcoat it, the phrase "I wish I had not done what I did" and "I wish I never named you by your father" are phrases that do hurt, even as an adult) are still too stupid to realize the damage they did.

 

However, I have found that for being my parents mistake, down to the name, I thank them for their mediocrity. It showed me what I will not do in life regarding relationships and children.

 

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BlueSpruce
21 minutes ago, luzblue said:

Every time I kept count too, as if it would make me more normal to be able to say that I had sex with one person, two people, three... 

I totally did this too. I've never really done the partying thing, but I actually used tinder for a couple of months, just to get my number up. I had a few hookups but it just felt like I was checking things off a to-do list. Then later I would feel so unhappy because I didn't understand why I couldn't get myself to like having sex. It was a mess; in a way I regret it now, but I also think it helped me finally get to the point where I realized I was never going to want sex.

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songchick
17 minutes ago, BlueSpruce said:

I actually used tinder for a couple of months, just to get my number up

THIS.  I'd use OkCupid, then that wasn't fast enough so I used Craigslist (in NYC). smh

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