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Problem with the Primary vs. secondary sexual attraction model

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Winged Whisperer
On 9/24/2019 at 1:08 PM, Marlow1 said:

Since nobody has answered your question I will try to but please remember that I 'can' get attracted, all be it to only one person only, but I can, and this is different than not being able to get attracted at all!! 

Well as you readily admitted, you are demisexual and can get attracted, which doesn't really answer the situation that I described. ❤️

I've also asked this question before, and never really ever got any proper answers because as I suspect the questions reveal an inconvenient truth. I'm not even really saying that it's theoretically impossible to have "primary desire" without any "attraction", but as I suspect that's far more rarer than what is being claimed. If such a person exists, then really, they should have absolutely no preference, because that preference literally is attraction, unless we have a very fundamental disagreement on the definition of attraction.

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Marlow1
19 hours ago, Winged Whisperer said:

Well as you readily admitted, you are demisexual and can get attracted, which doesn't really answer the situation that I described. ❤️

I've also asked this question before, and never really ever got any proper answers because as I suspect the questions reveal an inconvenient truth. I'm not even really saying that it's theoretically impossible to have "primary desire" without any "attraction", but as I suspect that's far more rarer than what is being claimed. If such a person exists, then really, they should have absolutely no preference, because that preference literally is attraction, unless we have a very fundamental disagreement on the definition of attraction.

The best that I can say is that my Aphantasia limits my attraction so much that before I met my wife (at age 35 yrs) I also had no desire. Some other folk with Aphantasia also say they don't feel attracted but they do have desire. My only explanations for this are that they either have at least one sense or emotion, happening for them in the minds eye (I don't have any) , or maybe they have the 'narrators voice' in their head so can tell themselves erotic stories and such (I am missing the voice too), or they have simply jumped in at the deep end, had no desire, but just got on with it. There is some evidence that having sex itself can increase desire for some people!!!! 

 

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2031498/Sex-Why-makes-women-fall-love--just-makes-men-want-MORE.html

 

I never did this. I never had sex with a person that I was not attracted to, and like I said I did not have the desire. I have only had sex with one person, that is my wife and she is the only person that I have ever been attracted to. Before her I had no attraction or desire. Somebody here told me this is a non-libidoist, but I don't know a great deal about that term, since being at AVEN I have only identified as Demisexual

 

When I met my wife she told me that she never wanted sex ever again. She had had major problems with her ex and this had put her off sex. When she realised that I did not want sex either she said that this was what she was looking for, and so the relationship progressed with no sex

 

Because there was no pressure for sex from either side this helped us both to develop within the relationship in a way that neither of us had been able to before. It took a very long time but over time all of her many characteristics that I am still in love with became more and more obvious to me, and as this happened I was able to become attracted, and later the desire came

 

There are times when I wish I could just bottle it and show folk how this 'concept building' developed over time, and how this process lead to attraction for me, but it is such a unique thing, I don't think I could pass this information on

 

But there was one very important factor that enabled all this, and we had to incorporate the same thing this second time around too, after the brain hemorrhage, I mean

 

My brother new, I was useless with relationships, and although we did not know back then that I had Aphantasia, he had figured out that I had trouble with memory

 

He secretly intervened and behaved as a Matchmaker. He secretly arranged parties and such so that my then friend and I would see a lot of each other, and then he would remind me endlessly about how great the meetings went and so on. This second time around (following the brain hemorrhage) my Therapist did much the same thing, he behaved much like a Matchmaker, this time it took just over a year for attraction and desire to return

 

This is the level of support that I need to become attracted, and then to develop desire, and so on. I don't think other people that have Aphantasia, or other conditions that limit attraction, have the opportunities for this that I have had and so I can see why even if they had desire for sex they would still struggle to develop attraction. With this condition it takes time to build the necessary concepts in the mind, a lot of Allosexual folk would not be willing to wait around for the length of time it takes

 

I AM SORRY THIS IS SO LONG WINDED, IT IS HARD TO DESCRIBE SOMETHING THAT I CANNOT DO

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