Relationship Help

[AcePaint]

I know there's like a bunch of other forum threads about this stuff, but I really just wanted to talk about my experiences and how I'm feeling and hopefully get some help / support, and this is also my first time writing on the Asexual Forums and really about my sexuality in general, so I apologize for how similar this is to other threads.

Anyways, I'm on the verge of entering a relationship and I'm really struggling internally with this fact. The other party involved is great, and I have a lot of fun hanging out with them. We started as friends, but I think the romantic tension has kind of been there since the beginning of our friendship. I haven't felt romantically attracted to someone in years, and honestly I was kinda shocked at how quickly I became attracted to them. The last romantic relationship I had ended poorly, as I was essentially ghosted, and I was really attached to the person, and I kind of have never really stopped thinking about them. For awhile I thought I would just never feel anything for anyone the way I felt for him, and that I was doomed to be thinking "what if" for the rest of my life. 

But now I'm here. I have someone I'm romantically interested in, I know they are also interested in me, and I think dating at this point is just a matter of time. The only problem is: they're allosexual. I told myself after my last relationship with an allo that I would never do it again: I hated pretending like I was comfortable with sex and everything it comes with. In my last relationship we sexted, sent photos, and I told him we would have sex after we hit the year mark in our relationship. I wasn't comfortable with any of it, but he constantly was pressuring me and acted like a victim when I told him I wasn't interested. I ended the relationship when I worked up the courage to tell him I wasn't actually comfortable having sex with him, and he basically said that I didn't have a choice in the matter.

I have such a bad history with dating, and an even worse history with sex. I was ready to not compromise anymore and I had that sigh of relief knowing that if I did enter another relationship, it was going to be with another asexual and I wouldn't have to worry about this stuff anymore. And now I'm just so apprehensive, because I wasn't planning on catching feelings for an allo, and I want to be in this relationship so bad, but I also don't want to subject them to an asexual relationship and constantly feel like I'm making them miserable, or that I'm not good enough / something's wrong with me for not compromising with what I'm comfortable with. They know I'm asexual, I told them pretty early on, but I think they're hoping that I'll eventually be comfortable with compromise. And that's honestly just not an option for me (I'm asexual but I also have an aversion to sex and sexual things). 

 

So yeah. If anyone has any advice or just words of encouragement I'd really appreciate it. I've never actually talked about any of this stuff before on a forum, so I'm sorry if the post is a little long.

 

TL;DR: I'm interested in an allo, but I'm ace and sex-repulsed and not keen on compromising that. Don't want to make them suffer by being with me, and also don't want to make myself miserable by pretending like I can compromise / am partially sexual. But also very much so romantically attracted to them. Send help.

[razzmatazz]

I will speak from the perspective of someone who figured out they were ace, then entered into a relationship with an allo. Before we made it official, I explained where I stood, he said he respected it. Not surprisingly, the relationship ended several months later because of sexual incompatibility. 

 

You need to have a blunt conversation about definitions, feelings, limits, fears...this is a conversation that should provide insight to both of you personally and as a potential couple. I regret not asking more questions of my partner during that initial conversation and LISTENING to the answers. Not just what he said but what he didn’t say. What was his attitude? Is he still invested in me and us now that I’m taking a significant amount of physical intimacy off the table?

 

He didn’t run in the other direction when I told him, and I thought that was good enough. 

 

Do not settle for good enough.  You have what I wish I had several years ago: the wisdom of past experience. You know you will not compromise when it comes to sex. A partner worthy of you will understand and respect that.

 

I sincerely hope you can have a deep conversation with them in which you determine what this part of your future holds. Your love should never be wasted on someone in whom you do not have absolute faith and trust. 

 

Good luck. 

[Lara Black]

Hello, @AcePaint

I’m a sexual person and can say that most of us absolutely need sex. Even if at the beginning of a relationship we are so in love that we honestly think we can do without it – we can’t. As I see it, there are two ways how mixed-sexuality relationships can work:

1. Alternative forms of sex / compromising.

If the ace is sex-positive or doesn’t mind some forms of sex, it’s possible to find a middle-ground where one is sexually satisfied and the other one isn’t hurt by it. This isn’t the perfect way for the sexual either, because most of us in a loving relationship want our partner to LOVE sex – we need to share our love through sex and so on.

2. An open relationship.

Some sexuals are ready to get their sex elsewhere while being in a relationship. Not all of us can do that, though, and some aces feel it like being cheated on.

 

Maybe there’s a third way, but I’m not sure what it could be.

[MrDane]

@AcePaint. If ‘not having sex at all, possibly ever’ is important to you, then my best advice is to be very clear about this. A relationship with you is a relationship without sex with you, rigth? We, sexuals, have a tendency to think that it is more a matter of timing,  patience, feeling sure and loved... and then sex will become a nice thing for ,everybody in the relationship. 

 

Perhaps there are other solutions? ...which could still make you build a life with someone, who you really like, instead of someone, who just dislikes the same thing.

[MrDane]

7 minutes ago, Lara Black said:

Hello, @AcePaint

I’m a sexual person and can say that most of us absolutely need sex. Even if at the beginning of a relationship we are so in love that we honestly think we can do without it – we can’t. As I see it, there are two ways how mixed-sexuality relationships can work:

1. Alternative forms of sex / compromising.

If the ace is sex-positive or doesn’t mind some forms of sex, it’s possible to find a middle-ground where one is sexually satisfied and the other one isn’t hurt by it. This isn’t the perfect way for the sexual either, because most of us in a loving relationship want our partner to LOVE sex – we need to share our love through sex and so on.

2. An open relationship.

Some sexuals are ready to get their sex elsewhere while being in a relationship. Not all of us can do that, though, and some aces feel it like being cheated on.

 

Maybe there’s a third way, but I’m not sure what it could be.

Yup! Spot on, Lara!

[JMR]

I am so sorry you had such such an awful time with your past partner!

 

definitely be completely blunt with what you are comfortable with and what your boundaries are. Also what your expectations are in this relationships and have him answer as well. I was very touch averse when I started dating my husband and it was hard, but we found a wonderful rhythm after lots of open and honest communication. He was and still is always respectful of where my boundaries are! It took me about a month to even comfortable hold his hand and he had to ask me if it was ok every time.

 

over the years together I have ended up being more sex positive which has obviously made our relationship much easier, so I can’t say whether we would have made it long term or not. Definitely be as open and honest as you can and have these talks before starting a romantic relationship with each other!

[AcePaint]

Thank you everyone, I appreciate the support and advice. I'm going to have a talk with them and try to be blunt about what I'm comfortable with. Hopefully we'll be able to work something out