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My weird relationship with sexual attraction


even_oddly_aspec

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even_oddly_aspec

I usually refer to myself as aegosexual, because it's the closest of a word for my sexuality. But I often feel separate from the aspec community, because the aspect of allosexuality that I'm "missing" is basically the opposite of almost everything else on the spectrum. 

 

Sexual Attraction is usually thought of as a combination of multiple things:

-thinking someone's physically attractive, in a "hot" way, which causes things like the back of your neck heating up or a funny feeling in your stomach (part 1)

-wanting/desiring to have sex or sexual relations with that person (part 2)

Most named identities on the ace spectrum include the partial or total nonexistence of part 1, and then consider part 2 a given that is personal and somewhat separate from the sexuality. They might experience part one very occasionally for example, and then in addition to that they're "sex repulsed" or "sex neutral" or "sex positive".

 

However, my sexuality functions in the opposite asexual way from other ones.

I have, essentially, half of sexual attraction. I think people are hot, and I'm sexually attracted to all the normal aspects of bodies that people normally are, EXCEPT for genitalia. I'm sexually attracted to collar bones, and biceps, ect, but not genitals. I also am sex repulsed in relation to myself having sex. The idea of having sex with someone or doing anything involving genitals is weird and disgusting to me. I might want someone to pin me against a wall, but I don't want to have sex against that wall. I also have very low libido, and reduced sexual sensitivity. Attempting to masturbate does almost nothing for me physically. A partner, say, giving me a hickey, doesn't physically trigger any pleasure in me, it's just neutral. However, while porn bothers me, I actually enjoy reading smut/erotica- but because I like the relationship dynamic it creates, not because it turns me on (it doesn't).

 

This mismatch makes me feel different. I sometimes feel like I'm asexual in the wrong way. I never fit in in ace communities or discussions, because what people have in common is always not having Part 1 of sexual attraction, which is the part that I do have. 

 

Does anyone else here feel this way, or approach sexual attraction like me?

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I don't feel the same as you (which is, by itself, obvious - no two people feel the same), but I too define sexual attraction in a different way than most users and consider myself to experience it. To some extent, perhaps, because it's provocative. Anyway, for me "sexual attraction" and "sexual desire" are not synonyms. Attraction can lead to desire - but it doesn't have to, for some reasons (such as anegosexuality, sex aversion and so on) a person may feel attracted to a person and still not desire any kind of sexual contact with them.

It's not just esthetic attraction. "Recognising that someone is sexually attractive" wouldn't even be esthetic attraction, rather "being able to use some categories even if feeling alienated from them". What I feel includes arousal - however, I never actually want to have sex. I consider it impossible for me because the idea of personally having sex feels terrifying to me.

(I don't use the term "sex-repulsed" to refer to myself because I... just got used to sex repulsion being defined as the generalised feelings, and sex aversion as negative feelings only towards personally having sex. However, it shouldn't be used to assume that my aversion is some mild dislike. It's very strong, I cannot imagine any circumstances which could make me consent to sex, I even feel physically unwell at the idea of personally having sex. It simply doesn't extend to sex not involving myself.)

For me sexual attraction manifests as desire for fantasies - and, for the reasons above, they don't involve myself. I'm not there, I'm just the narrator. But anyway, I don't feel guilty for my feelings, I don't feel broken or "asexual in the wrong way". Maybe it's because I, to be honest, identify more with being "sex-averse" or just "someone who doesn't want to have sex ever" (although, I still insist that my sex aversion still makes me effectively asexual). My feelings just exist, no two people's sexualities are alike, so why shouldn't I feel what I do? Sometimes the only good choice is to sign a protocol of disagreement - and I just disagree with most of the forum about whether sexual attraction without sexual desire is possible.

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I can relate to this in a sense, because, to me, sexual activity involving genital contact is anywhere from "take it or leave it" to just plain repulsive.  That said, I don't think I've ever met anyone who is attracted to genitalia.  Some folks with penises send dick pics...but does anyone actually want those?  Everyone I've ever asked about this said they don't find genitalia attractive, but instead the whole person.  And it leads them to desire things...genital contact included.

 

I've never thought about it like being half sexual, but I experience sexual attraction and desire, but I'm less interested in sexual activities that involve mine or the other person's genitals.  I used to think this made me asexual, but different experiences with people as well as reading through this forum has made me think otherwise.  Recently I've just been calling myself greysexual because it seems like a nice umbrella term for those who don't experience sexuality the same way others do, but aren't asexual.

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even_oddly_aspec
7 hours ago, bare_trees said:

I can relate to this in a sense, because, to me, sexual activity involving genital contact is anywhere from "take it or leave it" to just plain repulsive.  That said, I don't think I've ever met anyone who is attracted to genitalia.  Some folks with penises send dick pics...but does anyone actually want those?  Everyone I've ever asked about this said they don't find genitalia attractive, but instead the whole person.  And it leads them to desire things...genital contact included.

 

I've never thought about it like being half sexual, but I experience sexual attraction and desire, but I'm less interested in sexual activities that involve mine or the other person's genitals.  I used to think this made me asexual, but different experiences with people as well as reading through this forum has made me think otherwise.  Recently I've just been calling myself greysexual because it seems like a nice umbrella term for those who don't experience sexuality the same way others do, but aren't asexual.

Right I mean, definitely not everyone is attracted to genitalia straight up, but they're usually attracted to situations involving genitalia. Like how there's a lot of people who get excited over the concept of a female getting "wet", or people just say "sit on my face" as an expression of attraction. And most people who like men have some feelings regarding dick size/length/girth/shape.

 

For me, I'm sexually attracted to humans in general, but different things on the male vs female forms. 

On males, I'm attracted to biceps, and broad backs, and pecks, and six packs (but NOT huge bulk, I hate the body builder look), and calves, and butts, and collar bones, and v-lines, and slightly-toned thighs.

But not genitalia...

On females, I'm attracted to softness. Soft Curves. Breasts, butts, thighs, delicate hands, collar bones, hourglasses, soft tummies, back dimples, ect.

But not genitalia...

(All of which for people of all genders is separate from physical/aesthetic attraction. Physically I'm attracted to things like curly hair, interesting eyes, soft lips, button noses, strong jawlines, soothing voices, ect...)

 

I basically exist in this weird in-between where I'm attracted to secondary sex characteristics but not primary ones 😂 

Not only am I not attracted to how genitalia looks just straight up, but I'm not attracted to how it feels, or to the idea of using it. Like, most people attracted to men are attracted to bulges, even if they don't find dicks themselves particularly interesting. Bulges don't do anything for me. 

I just have this distinct aversion to the idea of a part of someone else being inside of me or vise versa. And an aversion to all the liquids/goops involved. The unsanitary nature of it is one of the worst parts for me. I'm not even normally a very clean-freaky person. 

 

I don't think I would mind like, doing that perineum massaging thing some people do? (For example.) It really comes down to interaction with genitalia/bodily fluids/penetration to me. All of those I have an aversion to, and the rest of sexual attraction I totally have. I even have kinks. It's wild. I also though have a really low sex drive and don't get much pleasure from stimulation. So, it all just adds up to a really weird combination. Like, you can't exactly tell some sex-positive/allo person "hey can I give you hickies all over your torso and inner thighs but then not give you oral?" That would just be cruel to your partner. 

 

It all just puts me in a bind and in a gray area where I don't feel like I fit into the ace community but I certainly don't fit into the allo community.

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I'm exactly the same and everyday it bugs me out because i'm only able of seeing it personally as a kind of a involuntary limited sexual attraction? I'm actually really interested in kink and bdsm and will feel the drive to it with people i'm attracted to (this and also more vanilla sensual attraction actions) but even those things make me unsure if i could, really, outside of my 3rd person imagination, do it. Sex and genitals are out of question because of my aversion in general but i actually would like to think i still have a chance with the rest, though sometimes even sensual attraction/actions make me uncomfortable when seen in movies/series/ etc, but fortunately not with erotica. I guess some things are really better when only imagining them 🤷‍♂️

 

On 9/22/2019 at 2:16 AM, even_oddly_aspec said:

"hey can I give you hickies all over your torso and inner thighs but then not give you oral?"

This one got me lmao. Things like this are what also makes me feel like i can't properly fit into either of the communities 😕

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15 hours ago, even_oddly_aspec said:

 Like, you can't exactly tell some sex-positive/allo person "hey can I give you hickies all over your torso and inner thighs but then not give you oral?" That would just be cruel to your partner. 

 

Why can't you? Kink / fetish play involves a lot of teasing like that. If you followed it up with an order to finish themselves (power play) or not finish at all for the night (orgasm denial) then I know of people that would find it really hot within their fetish. 

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even_oddly_aspec
9 hours ago, Serran said:

 

Why can't you? Kink / fetish play involves a lot of teasing like that. If you followed it up with an order to finish themselves (power play) or not finish at all for the night (orgasm denial) then I know of people that would find it really hot within their fetish. 

Sorry, I guess I meant in a more vanilla, traditional sex dynamic situation.

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On 9/22/2019 at 3:16 AM, even_oddly_aspec said:

It all just puts me in a bind and in a gray area where I don't feel like I fit into the ace community but I certainly don't fit into the allo community.

I think I understand what you mean. But even if you were able to place yourself more unambiguously on either the asexual or the allosexual side, I guess it would still be hard to meet someone who experiences attraction in the exact same way as you, and who has the very same needs and desires, be they emotional or physical. I'm not being negative, on the contrary, I'm only trying to say that we all experience sexuality - or its absence - in different ways.

I don't know, for me the most important thing is to figure myself out. Do I belong to a certain group/community? I don't really care a lot anymore. It can be helpful to feel the support of a community, but at the end of the day, all that matters is your (potential) partner, and not the "community" as such. But that's just me.

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On 9/17/2019 at 5:33 PM, even_oddly_aspec said:

I The idea of having sex with someone or doing anything involving genitals is weird and disgusting to me. I might want someone to pin me against a wall, but I don't want to have sex against that wall.

This totally resonated with me actually, I think the difference is that I don't get sexually aroused by stuff like this, it would just be an interesting experience...sorry, I'm no help, just thought this bit was interesting.

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