sister talks to my ex

[NicoleHolmes]

I learned this week that my sister chats with my ex on Facebook and that she is planning on going to a 3 day music festival with him. 

I asked why, and she said they have a lot in common.

This makes me uncomfortable, because the only reason she met this guy was that I dated him. So when I'm done dating him, I feel like my family's relationship with him should be over too, beyond the basic being polite if they see him out somewhere.

We live in a small town, so my sister's current boyfriend and my ex were friends in high school. That makes it slightly less weird to me but still uncomfortable. 

Background information about the relationship: We dated for a year and a half. We spent a lot of time with each other's families. I broke up with him because he didn't share my faith or my priorities, and he had a drinking habit. I only stayed with him as long as I did because I felt pressured to do so. All my family and friends kept telling me he was a great guy. He really was a nice person but not right for me, and they all pushed.

Background information on my sister: We were very close growing up. She can be bossy. She has always been boy crazy, while I only had a handful of crushes my whole life. Sometimes she had a crush on the same guy as me. She has made some inappropriate comments about my boyfriends before, for example saying they're hot or she bets they're good kissers. She made some comments about this ex in particular while I was dating him, that she found him attractive and wanted to see him shirtless and that he was her type. I got angry with her and told her to back off. She did stop those comments about him, but made one about my next boyfriend. She has trouble respecting boundaries. 

Is a sibling talking to, or going to a concert with, an ex as weird as I feel like it is? Is that something other families do? I know she can talk to whoever she wants, but I wish she respected my feelings more. Do you think it normally wouldn't be a big deal but I'm just upset because of my sister's history of crossing lines? 

[Philip027]

1 hour ago, NicoleHolmes said:

So when I'm done dating him, I feel like my family's relationship with him should be over too,

Not really how it works.  You don't get to hold a "claim" to someone after you've separated from them.  That's kind of the whole point of being exes.

[cutiepastels]

1 hour ago, NicoleHolmes said:

I learned this week that my sister chats with my ex on Facebook and that she is planning on going to a 3 day music festival with him. 

I asked why, and she said they have a lot in common.

This makes me uncomfortable, because the only reason she met this guy was that I dated him. So when I'm done dating him, I feel like my family's relationship with him should be over too, beyond the basic being polite if they see him out somewhere.

We live in a small town, so my sister's current boyfriend and my ex were friends in high school. That makes it slightly less weird to me but still uncomfortable. 

Background information about the relationship: We dated for a year and a half. We spent a lot of time with each other's families. I broke up with him because he didn't share my faith or my priorities, and he had a drinking habit. I only stayed with him as long as I did because I felt pressured to do so. All my family and friends kept telling me he was a great guy. He really was a nice person but not right for me, and they all pushed.

Background information on my sister: We were very close growing up. She can be bossy. She has always been boy crazy, while I only had a handful of crushes my whole life. Sometimes she had a crush on the same guy as me. She has made some inappropriate comments about my boyfriends before, for example saying they're hot or she bets they're good kissers. She made some comments about this ex in particular while I was dating him, that she found him attractive and wanted to see him shirtless and that he was her type. I got angry with her and told her to back off. She did stop those comments about him, but made one about my next boyfriend. She has trouble respecting boundaries. 

Is a sibling talking to, or going to a concert with, an ex as weird as I feel like it is? Is that something other families do? I know she can talk to whoever she wants, but I wish she respected my feelings more. Do you think it normally wouldn't be a big deal but I'm just upset because of my sister's history of crossing lines? 

I think it's because she's family so it is upsetting, compared to if a friend started seeing your ex as you feel slightly betrayed. And also as you and your sister are sometimes attracted to the same guys. But doesn't your sister already have a boyfriend? she could go to the festival with him instead? 

The bond she has with you she should value more than the friendship she has with your ex.

 

But the problem is you said the guy was a nice guy and the only reason you broke up with him was because of different values and incompatibility. As a person he still treated you well. So was it more of an amicable break up? Rather than him cheating on you with someone else or abusing you. 

If so then that is probably why your sister sees that there is no harm being friends with him.

 

Growing up I was worried if my sister ever fancied the same guy as me. Luckily that never happened! Also I am a jealous type so I can understand how you feel. My jealousy overtime has faded and also due to me and my bf breaking up last year I learnt not to get so jealous easily and we got back together a few months later.

 

Do you think your sister is interested in your ex romantically? And if she were to date him in future could you forgive her? Or as he was your ex that would upset you?

[NicoleHolmes]

16 minutes ago, Philip027 said:

Not really how it works.  You don't get to hold a "claim" to someone after you've separated from them.  That's kind of the whole point of being exes.

That's a fair point.

[NicoleHolmes]

13 minutes ago, cutiepastels said:

I think it's because she's family so it is upsetting, compared to if a friend started seeing your ex as you feel slightly betrayed. And also as you and your sister are sometimes attracted to the same guys. But doesn't your sister already have a boyfriend? she could go to the festival with him instead? 

The bond she has with you she should value more than the friendship she has with your ex.

 

But the problem is you said the guy was a nice guy and the only reason you broke up with him was because of different values and incompatibility. As a person he still treated you well. So was it more of an amicable break up? Rather than him cheating on you with someone else or abusing you. 

If so then that is probably why your sister sees that there is no harm being friends with him.

 

Growing up I was worried if my sister ever fancied the same guy as me. Luckily that never happened! Also I am a jealous type so I can understand how you feel. My jealousy overtime has faded and also due to me and my bf breaking up last year I learnt not to get so jealous easily and we got back together a few months later.

 

Do you think your sister is interested in your ex romantically? And if she were to date him in future could you forgive her? Or as he was your ex that would upset you?

Yes, she has a boyfriend. I found out afterwards that her boyfriend is going too. That makes it feel much less weird to me. She didn't tell me that part at first.

Yes, it was an amicable breakup. He's a nice person. 

It would upset me if she started dating him. Especially since she made inappropriate comments about him while we were dating, it would make me think she was wanting him the whole time. 

I don't think she will start dating him. She may flirt with him, because she tends to flirt with most guys.

My other concern is that they may talk about me. I hope they don't beyond a basic "yeah she's doing fine."

And this probably isn't true, but because my family pushed so much for me to date him, I feel like they may like him better than me, or at least wish we hadn't broken up.

[Guest]

Mm all I can say is just let it go. There's no point in even giving a shit. He's out of your life and whatever your sister does is her problems not yours.

[NicoleHolmes]

9 minutes ago, KrysLost said:

Mm all I can say is just let it go. There's no point in even giving a shit. He's out of your life and whatever your sister does is her problems not yours.

I agree that it's up to her and she can do what she wants.

Part of what makes me uncomfortable is that I want him out of my life completely (except as a memory lol) , and this makes me feel like he's not.

Initially after our breakup, we tried still being friends. But it didn't work because he was not over it. He saw my mom at church every week and told her how sad he was, and she told me. When we chatted he just kept talking about how I broke his heart. He posted stuff daily about how depressed he was, and other friends would message me about his posts and ask if he was okay. So I thought it would be healthier for both of us to cut ties. I unfriended him on facebook, but my family stayed facebook friends with him, so we ended up still seeing some of each other's stuff. He went through my sister's Facebook and liked all her pictures of me. That made me uncomfortable so I blocked him. Now if my sister is hanging out with him, I feel like I can never get away from him. If she posts pics of the two of us, even though I'm not tagged, he is seeing the pics and knowing my business. Hopefully she doesn't post or say anything too personal about me. I don't know why she would, maybe I'm paranoid lol. But I highly value my privacy. 

[Guest]

6 minutes ago, NicoleHolmes said:

I agree that it's up to her and she can do what she wants.

Part of what makes me uncomfortable is that I want him out of my life completely (except as a memory lol) , and this makes me feel like he's not.

Initially after our breakup, we tried still being friends. But it didn't work because he was not over it. He saw my mom at church every week and told her how sad he was, and she told me. When we chatted he just kept talking about how I broke his heart. He posted stuff daily about how depressed he was, and other friends would message me about his posts and ask if he was okay. So I thought it would be healthier for both of us to cut ties. I unfriended him on facebook, but my family stayed facebook friends with him, so we ended up still seeing some of each other's stuff. He went through my sister's Facebook and liked all her pictures of me. That made me uncomfortable so I blocked him. Now if my sister is hanging out with him, I feel like I can never get away from him. If she posts pics of the two of us, even though I'm not tagged, he is seeing the pics and knowing my business. Hopefully she doesn't post or say anything too personal about me. I don't know why she would, maybe I'm paranoid lol. But I highly value my privacy. 

Yea I can imagine it would suck. You can try to say something to your sister but idk. 

[cutiepastels]

1 hour ago, NicoleHolmes said:

Yes, she has a boyfriend. I found out afterwards that her boyfriend is going too. That makes it feel much less weird to me. She didn't tell me that part at first.

Yes, it was an amicable breakup. He's a nice person. 

It would upset me if she started dating him. Especially since she made inappropriate comments about him while we were dating, it would make me think she was wanting him the whole time. 

I don't think she will start dating him. She may flirt with him, because she tends to flirt with most guys.

My other concern is that they may talk about me. I hope they don't beyond a basic "yeah she's doing fine."

And this probably isn't true, but because my family pushed so much for me to date him, I feel like they may like him better than me, or at least wish we hadn't broken up.

I don't think your family likes him more than you! don't feel like that.

 

If your sister is friends with your ex and he still isn't over you then that is a bit of a problem.

 

However if your sister ever ends up dating him then you will have to learn to accept it and be happy for her - as you don't want to be with him anyway. 

 

For now he is just your sister's friend now and she isn't seeing him alone, instead with her bf too. So probably will just hang out in a group.

 

You will have to learn to not confide in your sister about personal things and instead talk to your friends about it. If you are worried she will tell your ex everything. Do you have a best friend or close friend?

 

Maybe next time you spend time with your sister tell her you don't want to have your photo taken and not have it shared on facebook anymore, say for privacy reasons - you don't have to mention your ex. or tell her you don't want her to tag you in photos.

[Guest]

1 hour ago, NicoleHolmes said:

He saw my mom at church every week and told her how sad he was, and she told me. When we chatted he just kept talking about how I broke his heart. He posted stuff daily about how depressed he was, and other friends would message me about his posts and ask if he was okay.

This sounds like manipulation, which is a red flag. If I were you I wouldn't want your sister going out with this guy either.

[NicoleHolmes]

1 hour ago, Moonman said:

You can't stop your family or your sister from having a relationship with him but you can do what's best for you by distancing yourself from him and being straight with the rest of your family that you don't want to hear about him, or know what's going on in his life, etc etc. If you've made up your mind that you and him are finished, then the last thing you need is a tenuous link that puts him in your thoughts when you'd rather be thinking about something else

Exactly! I don't want to hear or think about him because it wasnt good for either of us. Thank you for understanding how I feel. 

I'll do my best to set some limits with my sister.

[AspieAlly613]

Was there a point of contention that led to your breakup?  Does it feel like she's siding with him?  That would change a lot if it were the case.

[NicoleHolmes]

The breakup wasn't terrible, but after the breakup he didn't let it go and kept asking my family about me, messaging me, posting about me, and guilt tripping me. That's why I felt the need to cut all ties and have no contact. That's a big part of the reason it bothers me, because if she's still friends with him, I feel like I haven't been allowed to cut all ties. He still sees my sister and sees her posts and pictures of me.

[NicoleHolmes]

5 hours ago, cutiepastels said:

I don't think your family likes him more than you! don't feel like that.

 

If your sister is friends with your ex and he still isn't over you then that is a bit of a problem.

 

However if your sister ever ends up dating him then you will have to learn to accept it and be happy for her - as you don't want to be with him anyway. 

 

For now he is just your sister's friend now and she isn't seeing him alone, instead with her bf too. So probably will just hang out in a group.

 

You will have to learn to not confide in your sister about personal things and instead talk to your friends about it. If you are worried she will tell your ex everything. Do you have a best friend or close friend?

 

Maybe next time you spend time with your sister tell her you don't want to have your photo taken and not have it shared on facebook anymore, say for privacy reasons - you don't have to mention your ex. or tell her you don't want her to tag you in photos.

Thanks for this perspective! Thinking of him as my sister and her bf's friend makes it a little easier.

I do have two close friends who I am trying to spend more time with and who seem to care more about my feelings.

I don't want her to avoid posting pictures of me, because if she enjoys our times together, she should post about them. Buuut if she's gonna continue having him as a Facebook friend, I might need to ask that she doesn't post any pics of me tagged with a location or anything personal.

[Guest]

Mmm. If your family liked him and spent a lot of time with him, it makes sense they would still hang out. You dont get to bring someone into their life then break up with him for everyone. My cousin left her husband and the family still considered him family, we just tried to not invite them both to the same thing. Just part of dating if you have introduced them to family. 

[cutiepastels]

14 hours ago, NicoleHolmes said:

Thanks for this perspective! Thinking of him as my sister and her bf's friend makes it a little easier.

I do have two close friends who I am trying to spend more time with and who seem to care more about my feelings.

I don't want her to avoid posting pictures of me, because if she enjoys our times together, she should post about them. Buuut if she's gonna continue having him as a Facebook friend, I might need to ask that she doesn't post any pics of me tagged with a location or anything personal.

that's ok. glad you are feeling more better about it. that's true if there is no tagging with location it is more safer and private for you.

[NicoleHolmes]

4 hours ago, Serran said:

Mmm. If your family liked him and spent a lot of time with him, it makes sense they would still hang out. You dont get to bring someone into their life then break up with him for everyone. My cousin left her husband and the family still considered him family, we just tried to not invite them both to the same thing. Just part of dating if you have introduced them to family. 

I didn't bring him into the family per say. My parents brought him into the family and pushed me to date him.

I did introduce him to my sister though. And I see your point. Because if I brought him over for one date, that would be different than having him around a lot for the year and a half we were dating. But honestly if I brought him for one date, we didn't click, and then my sister made friends with him, that would bother me less. Rather than having to hear about someone I dated for so long and want to be done with. Because it dredges up the thoughts and feelings and anxiety of the relationship. There was a guy last month that I went on 2 dates with. We didn't click, but I wouldn't care at all if my sister wanted to be friends with him. I wouldn't feel uncomfortable hearing about him or even being around him briefly.

I think one thing that would help next time I date someone, is if I wait to introduce him to my family until I've been dating him for a bit and our relationship is a little more established. (I no longer live with my parents so that'll be easier to do.) That way there's less pressure from my family to "keep him around" if I realize we're not compatible. 

[Guest]

Yeah there is a reason meet the family is considered a sign of bein serious. Means I expect you to be around a while. Since family might keep em around forever even if you dont. 

[gisiebob]

navigation is hard when we find ourselves to be the authority on a course we never asked for.

 

forgive me if I am mistaken, but it sounds like the issue is less that your ex is hanging out with your sister and more that the reminder that you were unable to maneuver into an amicable separation isn't going away.

 

absolutely that isn't something that is  your fault, perhaps, but how a relationship ends is the responsibility of both parties, just like everything else in  a relationship.

 

so if the other person drops the ball and won't stop going on about how that's not how the stories end in fairytales, sure it's fair for you to cut line and leave. if you have that luxury.

alternatively you can put your work boots on and struggle to pick up the whole couch on your own.

you can say

hey. dude. you are a good dude. you deserve a quality relationship. you and I are not compatible, full stop. so dwelling on me is not healthy for either of us. I want to see you in that quality relationship, how can I help you get to that point? yes, I understand that you are wounded, this hurt me too, but we need to get ourselves bandaged up so we can heal, not just stalking each othrr on facebook. ok?

you know, communicate. that hard thing to do that's important in relationships. even in ending them.

[SithLord]

I find it weird but totally understandable. My bf is pretty involved with my family and I wouldn't want to cut him off from that if we broke up, but I could totally see how you'd want him out of your life, especially if he wouldn't let your breakup go. Definitely seems like you'd want him completely cut off but can't.

 

My friend had her ex living with her for a while. She absolutely hated that her mother didn't kick him out. I don't remember if they were together before or while he was living there, but he definitely stayed past the point of her being comfortable with it because it felt like if he was around that much they were still together and she did not want that. 

[NicoleHolmes]

20 hours ago, gisiebob said:

navigation is hard when we find ourselves to be the authority on a course we never asked for.

 

forgive me if I am mistaken, but it sounds like the issue is less that your ex is hanging out with your sister and more that the reminder that you were unable to maneuver into an amicable separation isn't going away.

 

absolutely that isn't something that is  your fault, perhaps, but how a relationship ends is the responsibility of both parties, just like everything else in  a relationship.

 

so if the other person drops the ball and won't stop going on about how that's not how the stories end in fairytales, sure it's fair for you to cut line and leave. if you have that luxury.

alternatively you can put your work boots on and struggle to pick up the whole couch on your own.

you can say

hey. dude. you are a good dude. you deserve a quality relationship. you and I are not compatible, full stop. so dwelling on me is not healthy for either of us. I want to see you in that quality relationship, how can I help you get to that point? yes, I understand that you are wounded, this hurt me too, but we need to get ourselves bandaged up so we can heal, not just stalking each othrr on facebook. ok?

you know, communicate. that hard thing to do that's important in relationships. even in ending them.

Solid advice. I did try to talk to him that way, but he wasn't ready to let it go. That's why I blocked him. I hope he is over it now and really just going with her because they like the same music, not because he's going to ask about me.

[Nylocke]

Your sister sounds like a snake ... I would cut full ties with my sorry excuse of a sister if she did that to me

[gisiebob]

7 hours ago, Moonman said:

Why?

because the internet is not very good at subtext and context. the internet is very good at saying "those aliens are aliens? That sounds like a red flag to me. You should launch nukes at them."

[NicoleHolmes]

I won't cut ties with my sister over a guy. I will tell her when she crosses boundaries. 

[Nylocke]

On 9/22/2019 at 8:56 AM, Moonman said:

Why?

 

You don't think that's unsavory for your sister or even your friend to date your ex??? I mean that's totally your business, I was just giving my 2 cents on it. Granted it would have to depend on how the relationship ended I would think. Because that would be a full on travesty if your boyfriend quit you and then started going out with your sister and then you have to see that dude that quit you every time they come to the house which really doesn't leave proper time for you to heal and get past it.

 

On 9/22/2019 at 4:13 PM, gisiebob said:

because the internet is not very good at subtext and context. the internet is very good at saying "those aliens are aliens? That sounds like a red flag to me. You should launch nukes at them."

 

I'm pretty sure the "why" was directed towards me. But we're all throwing down our "2 cents", this is a public space after all :P

 

On 9/23/2019 at 6:36 PM, NicoleHolmes said:

I won't cut ties with my sister over a guy. I will tell her when she crosses boundaries. 

 

I actually have the luxury of cutting my sister loose because she lives so far. But again, if you date a dude and that dude quits you then goes after your sister and they're coming over everyday I highly doubt that's gonna be a health environment for you to be in especially if you're taking the time to yourself to properly heal.