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How do YOU compromise in a mixed relationship?

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anisotrophic

@Sinking_In I was wondering if things feel closer or more loving with your spouse now.

 

I guess, reflecting or wondering if this has been a solution that's bringing you together, strengthening the relationship.

 

(I found falling for someone else drove me to be more affectionate with my partner, more concerned about his happiness... which seems counterintuitive, it was like... I was reminded of how much I love him too, more conscious of it.)

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ryn2
18 minutes ago, anisotrophic said:

I found falling for someone else drove me to be more affectionate with my partner, more concerned about his happiness... which seems counterintuitive, it was like... I was reminded of how much I love him too, more conscious of it.

That’s the core experience that separates being naturally polyamorous from naturally monoamorous... the experience of “the more love I give to one of my partners, the more love I have to give to the other(s).”

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anisotrophic
2 hours ago, ryn2 said:

That’s the core experience that separates being naturally polyamorous from naturally monoamorous... the experience of “the more love I give to one of my partners, the more love I have to give to the other(s).”

oof. I really didn't expect it. My spouse dated someone in a poly drama network, years ago, and honestly I spent 15+ years thinking poly people are nuts! 😅

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ryn2
7 minutes ago, anisotrophic said:

poly people are nuts!

That particular one could have been!  :)

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Sinking_In
On 1/18/2020 at 4:34 PM, anisotrophic said:

I spent 15+ years thinking poly people are nuts! 😅

I'd consider my situation to be nuts ;)

You're right, I've experienced the same thing; more affection on MY part with my spouse/ primary while engaged in another relationship. I've also experienced a decrease in affection, all around, when things with my lover ended. Both reactions definitely seem counterintuitive. I've tried to recognize my decreased interests and initiate more, but admittedly, it's somewhat forced, not necessarily disingenuous, though. Unfortunately, I am the ONLY one to initiate, physically, so it's entirely on me in that regard. I also have to take non-verbal cues from my wife, ie "I like this" or "I'm not feeling this right now", which takes more effort on my part as well. I probably got to the point where I was just always testing the waters, and when I got a negative cue, I backed off. I think my wife, for as annoyed as she was at the times she wasn't feeling it, liked the attention, nonetheless. I'm pretty much stuck in the "dating stage" of ALL of my relationships in that regard. For the pursued, that can be fun, but for the pursuer, it can be exhausting with little payoff if there is an end goal. One has to love the pursuit with no end in sight. My enjoyment of that comes and goes, which is where some issues arise. I get it, I recognize it, and I'm working on it.

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Sinking_In

Last week I had finally met with one of the women I've been in contact with online, one who is in an open/ polyamorous marriage. We had a nice conversation, and I think I'd like to continue a dialogue, but I cannot say there's any attraction there for me. I'm not completely ruling it out, but so far I'd like to keep this platonic. What I found curious was how nervous she appeared to be. She blamed it on the coffee, but she was trembling. I'm not sure what to make of that, if it's anything at all. There's another woman, farther away (though still within reasonable driving distance), but she seems to be unavailable for dating at this time. I'll just keep an open line of communication, and if one day she finds the time, we can go out. She also considers herself to be poly, though she is currently single. I'm starting to reach out to more women who are open to open relationships, though I'd be content with just one woman, I'm being pragmatic. Maybe I'm becoming an ethical slut? So far it's more work than fun, though. Not complaining, just being honest.

 

Nothing has changed with my marriage, good or bad. I still try to initiate PG rated PDA from time to time, but I don't do it too often, so as not to annoy her. I don't believe I have, and she hasn't said it's been too much or too little. We spent time as a family with some other families watching the Super Bowl. Great game, BTW, if you're a KC fan, not so much for SF fans ;) (I am neither, so I simply enjoyed the competition). My wife tends to be more affectionate in public, especially around other couples who are close. I suppose that's how she's reminded, getting social cues rather than cues from me, or herself for that matter. I find it interesting, almost cute, but certainly not annoying. I'll admit at times it makes me a little frustrated, but only long after the fact and when alone and getting no affectionate response. It's just who she is, and I'm accepting it.

 

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