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How do YOU compromise in a mixed relationship?


Sinking_In

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Sinking_In

Okay, so I've calmed down a bit. No, I haven't been putting together any wild menage trois. I did get to see my #1 lover last week, after what felt like months (seems we're on a 4 week schedule of sorts). I have a date with my new kink-friendly friend on Friday. I've been looking forward to it. I've been chatting with a few other women, had a few dates, had a hookup, but one in particular has my interest. She is where I was a year ago with my marriage. We have a lot in common on many levels, so I feel a real connection with her. Nothing may come of it, but I am hoping to at least meet one day. She seems like someone I could hang out with, even if nothing else comes of it. I don't know what I'm learning, other than I hold multiple friendly relationships at once, and I can have genuine attraction to more than one person at a time. It doesn't seem all that foreign to me, although now I don't feel any stigma, guilt or taboo about it. It's an interesting journey, to say the least.

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On 6/7/2020 at 6:28 PM, Fluxoide said:

Sex repulsed ace here. My partner has a high sex drive, and we had and still have lots of discussions about the topic over the past years. 

He has his needs and would, in best case scenario, have sex daily.

I tried having sex before, it did just not work at all. 

Our compromise is that I do him sexual favours once a week, even if I feel terribly repulsed. That's the only way the relationship can work with him, and he is the love of my life.

Having the topic come up again and again makes me feel sick, though. I wish he was more understanding. In his eyes though, he is "suffering" as much as I do, since he doesn't get his desires fullfilled as much as he'd like to.

 

I'm okay with the current situation, tho. I wish there was an easier solution, but there isn't.

Thanks for joinimg in and giving your perspective! “Im ok with the current situation” ... but it must take a toll on you? I understand his needs . I could masturbate more or use toys myself or get toys used on me, but my real need is “a mutually shared nice activity of love and connection”  but it is important that  both is somewhat agreeing about the solution. The approach ‘he needs and i am happy to help with fulfilling aspects of this, since i love him and want to see him happy” can be fine, but watch out that it actually accumulates good experiences that way.

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TurnedTurtle
On 7/9/2020 at 7:05 PM, Sinking_In said:

Okay, so I've calmed down a bit. ...

 

So one question I have in reading your recent updates, @Sinking_In, where's your spouse in all of this? I mean, I know that I can sometimes become obsessed with a current project, to the detriment of other things that I also need to be paying attention to. Not trying to be accusatory or anything, just curious how you are balancing things? (wondering how *I* could balance things if my ace wife and I were to agree to try an open marriage...)

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@TurnedTurtle Totally understandable and valid question. I should post an equal amount, or possibly even MORE regarding my wife, considering this all started out as a story of compromise. I did go off the rails a bit, getting swept up in my new found freedom of sorts. My wife and I have been "comfortable" for quite some time. We talk, mostly at night, updates on work, friends, the kids. Sometimes it's matter-of-fact, sometimes we find the humor in it all and share some laughs. I believe it's our sense of humor that brought us together and keeps us together. She has been focused on her business, as it recently opened under COVID-19 restrictions. She really has her hands full lately, and it's not something I can help with, other than pulling my weight around the house and caring for the kids. We are still good. We are both pursing what we love. She has been good with my going out to see these women, and has not raised any objections. She let's me go whenever I ask, and there are no reservations. This is her, though. Your wife and situation will probably differ. My wife is not a jealous type. and there's nothing taboo about sex to her. She just doesn't have any desire for it, well, not often at all, anyway.

 

For now, I'm feeling my oats, so to speak. My updates are revolving around my sex life because it's come alive, again, after laying dormant for at least a decade. I'm exploring non-monogamy, possibly polyamory, but neither hold any particular interest to my wife. She wants a happy family, and since the marriage has opened, it's been a lot better in that regard. Before it was opened, we were making each other miserable. I hope that sheds some light on the subject. Feel free to IM me if you want more detail beyond what I've given, or if you feel you'd like specifics to be private.

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Another dating life update: my kinky friend wasn't feeling well, so we canceled. I'll wait to see what this means. I surely hope it's not COVID-19, but if it is, the timeline should mean I am safe. I won't rush back to see her until I know more (voluntary 10 day quarantine now imposed by me). My #1 lover has been busy, but she is so sweet, and willing to see me just about any other time. I was recently approached by a woman I can only describe as the most attractive I've seen in decades, on Tinder no less, and she wants to meet next week. I believe I will, but I'll keep a safe distance as best I can. Physically, she is an 10 out of 10 for what I find attractive, but personality, I'm not so sure. No real meaningful conversations. She doesn't seem the type to over text, anyway.

 

The one I'm most interest in, personality-wise, chatted with me for hours last night. On a sexual, emotional and intellectual level, we click like I haven't clicked since my wife, nor a decade before her. It has surprised us both, really, so we're cautiously navigating this. Neither of us want to "fall" for one another, and I though I believe we are both rational enough to keep this from happening, we also concede that emotions are not easily controlled or contained, so we're playing it safe. The body is willing, but the mind reluctant. Too many boxes checked and excitement brewing to not be cautious. We're both aware of it, and she has a great way of rationalizing things, and asking the right questions. She's calm about it, and we all know how attracted to calm I am :D 

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11 hours ago, Sinking_In said:

She's calm about it, and we all know how attracted to calm I am :D 

LOL!  Well put, and I can relate.  Emotions are tricky things, and I love that you're both so aware of that.  I'm glad things have been going well!  It's nice to hear updates on both your wife and your various love interests.  I've definitely been even more cautious now that COVID cases are again on the rise in my state, so glad to hear you're still safe and healthy.

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Okay, so a rather unexpected development: ROMANTIC attraction. I am growing extremely fond of this new woman. Am I really sapioromantic?? We're stimulating every corner each other's minds, and it's left us speechless at times. I have enjoyed the company of a few women over the past year, and I'm not one to let my feelings get too carried away, but this is beginning to feel very real and very special. We are both aware of it, and we are both cautiously optimistic, especially her. She is both afraid that it won't work out, as well as being afraid it's going to work out all TOO well. I totally understand. She keeps me at arms length, mainly to keep her own desires in check, but she's trying to make sure there are no casualties, on either side. I admire that.  I am actually MORE attracted to her because of this.

 

There is definitely a sexual attraction there, too, and we haven't even seen one another!! Sure we've seen pics, and we'll probably video chat, but neither of us have found this kind of all around attraction since our spouses. Neither of us are looking to change our current family dynamics, though, and both of us love our families very much, but it's eerie how alike we are in a lot of different ways.

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anisotrophic

@Sinking_In you haven't fallen in love before just by talking to someone? I don't think it's so strange that one needs a label – we don't fall in love with a body, we fall in love with the person that inhabits it.

 

Have you thought about how to manage this with your spouse? Even if she's not jealous, it'll affect her.

My husband said, me falling in love was frustrating because there was an outside person in my life now – that he didn't know at all – with a strong influence on my emotional state. And naturally, the negative aspects were what he'd notice most – when I was hurt or anxious about that other person. I believe the positive states also benefited him, but in both cases I was struggling to hide/deny the impact this person had because I didn't want him to feel hurt or less valued.

I suggested we try to think about it like a best friend having an impact on me – if I got into an argument with them, or I'm excited about something they're doing, it impacts me strongly. And in my case, that is what I got; there was never an attempt at romance and I'm happy with the friendship.

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@anisotrophic it's interesting you say all of that, because she was saying how she almost never smiles (she says RBF is her natural look), and that her kids called her out on it, asking "who are you talking to? You can't stop smiling!" I am also on the phone with her more than any other woman I have seen recently, probably more than with anyone since high school. My own wife is not one for long flirtatious phone conversations, so it wouldn't be fair to compare. I do make these calls in private, and usually very early in the morning or very late at night. As for falling in love, I have shied away from using that phrase for most of my adult life, but I get what you mean. I know she would agree. She confided in a friend who has reassured her that she deserves happiness, so she is less anxious. She has also resolved to moving forward with me, albeit in time, no rush. She now must have the talk with her husband that you have had with yours, making sure if he has those feelings of concern, that she is there for him. I will share with her your thoughts.

Full disclosure, she knows I am currently seeing 2 women, and she also said that she would not want me to stop seeing them, though she admitted that for herself she would be practicing  polyfidelity, something I don't demand of anyone. It feels nice to hear, but it also makes me keenly aware that I must check in on her feelings as much as my wife's, as I'll have two committed relationships. I think my love life is about to either get extremely complicated, or extremely fulfilling. I'm guessing it will be both, actually. At the same time we're convinced we'll be good friends, regardless of which way it goes. I'll keep you posted! Your input and observations are always appreciated! Thank you!

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anisotrophic
5 hours ago, Sinking_In said:

As for falling in love, I have shied away from using that phrase for most of my adult life, but I get what you mean.

I use it to refer to limerence. I hadn’t been hit with it for a decade and a half, but then I was. 🤷

 

It generally takes quite a while to fade. In my case I now have two people I care strongly about, but I’m really happy with that! Feels more balanced, less echo chamber. Admitting it to oneself, and being very conscious of the effect on a primary partner — don’t ignore that.

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I met my "limerence interest" (you've no idea how apropos this is, actually). The attraction was even MORE than either of us anticipated, and we struggled to keep an appropriate distance. This is moving quickly, even with the brakes on :D

Yesterday I had asked my wife to meet this woman, and she made it a point to say it was okay with her, rather than just it's okay to go. Same thing happened for this woman and her husband. She expressed how she feels, and asked for boundaries. Surprisingly he said there were none (beyond the trust he has she will not do anything harmful). From what she's told me, I believe I'd like him, and she said as much for both of us. Who knows, maybe? For now though, we're already talking about how and when we can get together. Neither of us wants to catch COVID, but the truth is, if she doesn't have it, and I don't have it, we can't give it to each other. I'm more worried about catching it at the store, to be honest. We'll have to see. We joke that it may be months or years before we get to touch one another, but I don't think we'll be able to stand the wait much longer ;)

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My limerence lover and I are like a couple of teenagers. It's ridiculous. We met yesterday, and we couldn't keep our hands off of each other. We almost had sex in my vehicle. We have not yet had sex, but we're sexting and having phone sex. The mental and physical attraction is intense, so she is still processing (so am I, but I'm probably just more/ over confident). We've also naturally settled into a D/s dynamic, which feels perfect. We can also be total dorks with one another, and it just makes it even better. The fact that she is super nerdy compliments me, and I'm able to completely be myself with her. I typically hold back some with women. With her, I get to be everything I am, no reservations, no hesitations within myself. We were saying neither of us have felt this way with another since meeting our spouses. I feel safe with her, and she says the same. We'll have to see, but this is shaping up to be something beyond what I could have ever hoped for. We talked more about poly-fidelity, this she believes she wants for herself, but does not expect it from me. She wants to put her own emotions to the test this week, to see how she feels when I go on a date with someone else. I have one set up for Wednesday, but this is someone I haven't met, yet, and it's a social distance date. Physical contact is highly unlikely. She believes she is fine with it, but the truth is, this is uncharted emotional territory for us.

 

On the home front, I had a good conversation with my wife about respect and boundaries. I have to be more cautious and aware, but she is being supportive. For her it's all about the kids, that they aren't affected in any negative way. I also took the family out for most of the day, and was more involved with them yesterday. I'm finding balance. I'm putting effort in, and I'll do my best to keep this up.

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Whore*of*Mensa
On 7/11/2020 at 12:51 PM, TurnedTurtle said:

 

So one question I have in reading your recent updates, @Sinking_In, where's your spouse in all of this? I mean, I know that I can sometimes become obsessed with a current project, to the detriment of other things that I also need to be paying attention to. Not trying to be accusatory or anything, just curious how you are balancing things? (wondering how *I* could balance things if my ace wife and I were to agree to try an open marriage...)

It’s definitely hard to see what this has to do with asexuality and a mixed relationship, it’s all about the excitement of the sexual relationship outside the marriage - there’s another similar thread that has the same focus, the asexual partner being largely invisible aside from discussions of domestic arrangements.

 

I’d probably look to other threads for advice on how the asexual partner might feel.

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Thanks for the update, @Sinking_In!  Definitely sounds like limerence. ;) Glad everything's going well for now.  Why are you meeting new dates?  To keep options open, to keep pressure off any one relationship?  I'm not judging, more genuinely curious.

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TurnedTurtle
13 hours ago, Whore*of*Mensa said:

I’d probably look to other threads for advice on how the asexual partner might feel.

Or at least other people posting...

 

(is there another subforum, other than "For Sexual Partners, Friends, and Allies," where asexuals post about their mixed relationships/marriages with allosexuals?)

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42 minutes ago, TurnedTurtle said:

(is there another subforum, other than "For Sexual Partners, Friends, and Allies," where asexuals post about their mixed relationships/marriages with allosexuals?)

Some post in Asexual Relationships.  Depending on their specific questions, they get answered there or sent here to SPFA.

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@ryn2 thank you for redirecting them to a more appropriate thread for what they are looking for.

 

@Memento1 for now, my limerence lover's husband has not explicitly given 100% permission to take this to the next level. She believes he will say "yes" before fully processing it. Obviously she knows him better, so I have to trust her on this. I did suggest that if he gave her the go ahead to explore, and that ethical non-monogamy was specifically mentioned, then perhaps he knows what that entails, and perhaps DADT would be less troubling, but I did defer to her being more familiar with him, so she would know better than I. She is treading lightly, now, because he seemed troubled recently, and that's because she apparently talks about me A LOT. I warned her to be transparent without rubbing his face in it, so to speak. I get that she is just excited, and her husband is her best friend, so she naturally tells him about things she's excited about.

 

As for my dating, she suggested I leave other doors open, because she doesn't want to feel she is hindering me in anyway. She also wants to challenge herself to better learn herself through this process. That, and I had already made this date almost a month ago, which was pushed back a few weeks ago to tomorrow. I didn't want to flake or back out. Not to mention I still have one other lover I'm technically still seeing (but haven't for at least a month). All others have moved on. My options are dwindling, and I'm fine with that, but I have to be careful not to go all in before we know it's safe to be all in. Once we do, I believe I won't be seeing anyone else. Part of me doesn't really want to go on this date, TBH. That both comforts and concerns me, because I know how much I want to be with my limerence lover. 

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@Sinking_In, thanks for explaining your thought process, I understand better now.  It's certainly a lot to juggle!  I'm glad you're proceeding cautiously keeping all those balls in the air.  Good luck!

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@Memento1 quick update, my date tomorrow had to cancel, and my limerence lover didn't seem too troubled by that ;) 

We had a short discussion about what we should do, try to let things cool off, keep them where they are, or let it continue to heat up?

We haven't decided, yet. We feel maybe we should try to cool things off, yet both agree we like where we are now, but also concede we want things to heat up.

I actually like how rational she is, yet as rational as we can try to be, the emotions we feel are totally irrational. We're openly acknowledging them now, though. What we do from here is likely to be discussed today and remain someone fluid as circumstances can change.

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Spoiler

I do'nt really ever compromise(at least at this moment, because we both are demisexual, but I've had to make do with less kink (because he's scared of hurting me or something.) But I swear my kinks are fairly mild, to say the least.)

 

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anisotrophic

Limerence is tough. I mean, it's a really wild ride, and it's not something you can control – the feelings are, by definition and nature, uncontrollable. But you can control how you behave.

I tried really hard to imagine what it would feel like for my partner to be attracted – on many levels – to another person, to have fallen in love. A common goal is "compersion" – joy for another's happiness – but I think that's only possible if the person with a new partner is making the life of an existing partner happier.

 

@Lara Black noted in another thread that the biggest onus of "everyone happy" is on the person with more than one partner: 

 

Limerence issues can cause major marriage troubles – when people say "I love you but I'm not *in love* with you anymore" (as they've fallen "in love" with someone else). But of course it feels that way: it's unrealistic to expect one remains "in love" over the span of decades.

But I like to think, it's OK to fall in love with new people, it's OK to expand ourselves like this – if one is mindful of making it good for all partners, new and old.

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4 hours ago, anisotrophic said:

But I like to think, it's OK to fall in love with new people, it's OK to expand ourselves like this – if one is mindful of making it good for all partners, new and old.

Thank you, this is the ultimate goal, I think.

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Whore*of*Mensa
8 hours ago, Sinking_In said:

Thank you, this is the ultimate goal, I think.

If any asexuals in mixed relationships are reading this - as they might do given the title - I would say, join the fun too! Demand your own time to follow your interests. Try poly dating. I have and I’ve found men that will hold me, that will tell me there’s more to a relationship than just sex, that I’m worth so much more than having sex just to please others - men who make me feel alive and safe and happy again. 

 

Set the asexuals free, they’re not just there to keep house and look after the kids. They deserve everything you deserve and I wish I could reach out to them through this screen and tell them that. I send them my love  😊

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Whore*of*Mensa
On 7/21/2020 at 10:18 AM, TurnedTurtle said:

Or at least other people posting...

 

(is there another subforum, other than "For Sexual Partners, Friends, and Allies," where asexuals post about their mixed relationships/marriages with allosexuals?)

No, strangely enough, asexuals never post about this. It’s all just sexuals kinda bragging. 
 

I mean, stallions? What??

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I DO wish asexuals all the happiness in the world, and if being polyamorous does it for them, that's wonderful. It's true, my story of compromise has gone off the rails and onto my journey into polyamory. It's true that the focus has been on my repressed and suppressed sexual desires, needs and wants which are finally being acknowledged, celebrated and explored, but Just a reminder (for some) of where all of this is posted:

 

How do YOU compromise in a mixed relationship?

By Sinking_In, September 16, 2019 in For Sexual Partners, Friends and Allies

 

As much as asexuals need hope, so do sexual people. BOTH sides can feel hopeless. I found hope for myself and for my marriage, and I'm sharing it. I'm sorry that enrages some people so much. Purposely putting others down to make oneself feel better makes everyone uncomfortable and no one feels good about it.

 

To everyone, sexual and asexual: I encourage you all to go find your happiness, internally or externally, but be proactive and seek it out!

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1 hour ago, Whore*of*Mensa said:

No, strangely enough, asexuals never post about this. It’s all just sexuals kinda bragging. 
 

You have some very... narrow views of posts. 

 

Asexuals post about their mixed relationships in the asexual relationships section, usually. When I moderated it, the asexual side posts I left there and the sexual side I brought here. 

 

There was an asexual who journaled her side of opening up her marriage to poly with her sexual spouse, much as you are doing here, @Sinking_In

 

We have also had some very disturbing posts from aces with less positive experiences, such as a girl that was with a guy who kept taking sex as she slept to bypass consent that she couldnt give due to sex repulsion. Thankfully, with all of AVEN telling her how wrong that was, she had posted she was leaving him. 

 

But it is interesting to read both sides. Some aces like to compromise with some sex. Some feel such crushing guilt just knowing their partners want sex that they can't stomach being with sexuals (even if the sexual never asks for sex). Some make poly work. Some make open work. Some make celibacy work. And some make a QPR non-romantic work to avoid jealousy and allow the sexual that side. It is all quite varied. 

 

Sadly, most of the posts tend to end in a break up. Because, honestly, mixed relationships are not viable in a lot of cases. And, some of the posts end up showing how aces can be abused because of their vulnerable feelings around sex and not wanting it making them "wrong", so they put up with things they know are wrong and excuse the bad behavior of their partner. But, quite a lot are also happy stories. And some are... interesting and make you wonder at how different people are. Like one poster saying their compromise is their sexual bf has sex with other girls but she has to watch for him to not feel bad about it and how amusing it was to her. 

 

I can try to find the ace side journal post, I have it bookmarked somewhere... 

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AceMissBehaving

I can jump in as an asexual on the subject. I’ve posted a few times on this thread. We tried compromise for a long time but it was less than ideal for both of us, so we decided to try poly, and it’s been the best thing to happen to me.


I’ve been enjoying the sex free relationship I’ve always wanted, he has someone who he also loves and can connect with in ways he needs that I’m just not capable of (which is more than just sex) so he’s happier, and I’m happier.

 

The bonus is I adore his girlfriend. She’s become a good friend to me, and quite literally transformed my life. I recently discovered I’m autistic. One of her areas of expertise is working with people on the autism spectrum, so she’s been helping both me and my husband navigate that. We have in jokes together, I enjoy her company, it’s great.

 

I also have leeway to explore dating if I want to. It’s something I’m maybe curious about trying once Covid ends, but I’m not sure it’s something I have the emotional bandwidth for.

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Mountain House
On 7/22/2020 at 9:07 AM, Serran said:

I can try to find the ace side journal post, I have it bookmarked somewhere... 

Interested - if you can find it.

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There's a woman in the Asexual Relationships subforum that has been sharing her side of the "opening a relationship" journey here and here.

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