How do YOU compromise in a mixed relationship?

[RavenAlyssa]

On 10/28/2019 at 5:30 PM, anisotrophic said:

@Sinking_In reposting because I'd initially intended this for you (put it in the wrong thread) – whether or not to compromise is something I go back and forth on.

 

One of the toughest things for me, as things have settled out, has been the awareness of my own desire and his own lack, and the sense of vulnerability I feel when I do let go and express myself sexually. There's an enormous potential for shame – but he has never, ever made me feel ashamed. He could easily do that, and I would be devastated. It's an ongoing act of trust on my part, and I appreciate his care for my own sexuality enormously.

As the asexual partner, I would like to make sure I also never cause shame for my girlfriend. I try not to, but I hope I don't inadvertently do it... Do you have any tips or things I should be aware of doing/not doing?

[Sinking_In]

@RavenAlyssa I'm not sure if you wanted me to chime in, but I will  You may not be able to avoid the shame your GF feels. The best you can do is be honest and straightforward, but her reactions may have more to do with her own feelings about herself rather than what you do or do not do. Don't try to make yourself responsible for anyone else's feelings. Just be open and honest, and avoid purposefully hurting their feelings. It's all you can do.

[Sinking_In]

Firstly, I hope everyone is safe and has stocked up on necessities. Store shelves are emptying as quickly as they are being stocked in my area.

 

Now, I may get some criticism for doing this, under these circumstances, but I'm meeting someone tonight that I've met online. She is single, self-identifying as "non-monogamous" and is in search of what I am, a reliable lover with respect of our mutual lives at home. The downside is she lives an hour away, but we can meet in the middle, and to be honest, we have both made the long drive (not to see one another, yet), and it's usually not a bad drive to make. We'll have to see. So far, the intellectual chemistry is there, physically, we seem attracted to one another, so we'll see if it all translates IRL. I hope so! At the very least, I think I found a like-minded friend.

[ryn2]

I hope it works out and you make a friend (or more)!

[Guest]

4 hours ago, Sinking_In said:

Firstly, I hope everyone is safe and has stocked up on necessities. Store shelves are emptying as quickly as they are being stocked in my area.

 

Now, I may get some criticism for doing this, under these circumstances, but I'm meeting someone tonight that I've met online. She is single, self-identifying as "non-monogamous" and is in search of what I am, a reliable lover with respect of our mutual lives at home. The downside is she lives an hour away, but we can meet in the middle, and to be honest, we have both made the long drive (not to see one another, yet), and it's usually not a bad drive to make. We'll have to see. So far, the intellectual chemistry is there, physically, we seem attracted to one another, so we'll see if it all translates IRL. I hope so! At the very least, I think I found a like-minded friend.

An hour is a long drive  ? O.o I drive that to get anywhere so it's just a given around here ! Good luck  with the meet

[anisotrophic]

I'm reminded of living in NYC, when places that seem "close" were still an hour away, no matter how you did it, by subway or car. Brooklyn to Queens... not as close as one much imagine. Transit time still separates people.

[Sinking_In]

4 hours ago, Serran said:

An hour is a long drive  ? O.o I drive that to get anywhere so it's just a given around here !

Some people complain about driving more than 20 minutes, so I suppose it's all relative  Luckily, the woman I met with didn't mind the drive, and it went swimmingly, thank you! She and I seem to be looking for the same things, and we both came away from the experience feeling good about it. A second date is very likely.

[Memento1]

Hey, glad it went well!  I always like hearing updates on your situation, even when it's not going so well.  I hope this new endeavor works out better than the last.

[Sinking_In]

It looks like there has been an executive order to keep me from having sex for the foreseeable future. On the upside, my family is safe, and we have stocked up on essentials to last at least a few weeks, if not a month or two if rationed. I wish everyone well, and hope you all stay safe!

[Traveler40]

Yeah, it’s bananas! I had an epiphany earlier today and thought, EASTER! If the bunny doesn’t come, I’m outted. You’ve never seen me book it so fast to See’s to stock up on basket stuff and egg fill in. ✅ We mainly use silver dollars in our hunt, but what’s Easter without chocolate? So stupid and minor, but normalcy matters to the kids.

 

May this pass quickly and that you resume in getting down to business. Perhaps use this time to get to know her better from afar. You never know how that bonding may enhance your physical connection later. Good luck! 

[Sinking_In]

11 hours ago, Traveler40 said:

EASTER! If the bunny doesn’t come, I’m outted.

I had the same thought! LOL! But at this point, and I hate to say it, we may just let them know the truth. They've suspected for at least the past year, if not longer, so at this point it's more deception than magic  I blame the Tooth Fairy, really.

 

For my new relationship, TBH, I don't know how much more enhanced the sex could be between myself and this woman, or rather I don't know if we could handle it being MORE enhanced  But I do know what you mean. The NRE was pretty exciting, but you're right, once more trust is built, there are new levels to experience.

 

Last night my wife and I had some alone time, and it was nice to watch a movie together (Outbreak  , for educational purposes), but in the morning, I realized no matter how many opportunities come up, we're likely never having sex, again. I'm okay, but it was just a sad thought. I can't help thinking sometimes that all of the sexual interaction I'm having with these other women, the time taken away from my family, it's not my first choice, but my first choice isn't even an option.  It is what it is, and I'm making do.

 

[Traveler40]

1 hour ago, Sinking_In said:

Last night my wife and I had some alone time, and it was nice to watch a movie together (Outbreak  , for educational purposes), but in the morning, I realized no matter how many opportunities come up, we're likely never having sex, again. I'm okay, but it was just a sad thought. I can't help thinking sometimes that all of the sexual interaction I'm having with these other women, the time taken away from my family, it's not my first choice, but my first choice isn't even an option.  It is what it is, and I'm making do.

God, that’s so relatable. Acceptance is bittersweet and something I was trying to convey a couple of weeks ago. 
 

Interestingly, given time, you”ll likely learn better ways to cope. First comes life integration if you can get past the DADT. This helps with time tremendously. Secondly, being more flexible with dates allows for better everything. That flow makes the connections seamless really.
 

Anyhow, it may seem impossible today,  but should you find that special longer term lover, then you’ll see things may morph naturally. The truly impossible (at least on my end) has gradually become the norm. May it be so in yours as well. In that case, it might benefit all.

[Sinking_In]

Yesterday, my ex-lover lashed out at me, tried to argue with me, and we followed that conversation with blocking each other's numbers. I still feel badly for her, especially with all that is happening, shelter-in-place with family tensions. the stress of losing her job, apparently being used by a few other men since being with me. She had reached out more and more often, getting more demanding of me, and it came to a head yesterday. She really needs help, but I admitted that I cannot give her the help she needs. Completely ending all contact is all that can be done at this point. I hope it works out for her in the end, and yes, it was probably the more prudent action to take long ago, when it was first ended. Some people, maybe most, just aren't capable of remaining friends following a romantic relationship. I gauged the situation/ relationship entirely wrong, all along. That is my fault. Hopefully this serves as a learning experience, not just for myself, but her and others, as well. It's easier to just end things, cleanly and as quickly as possible. I know/ knew this, but I will just have to put it into practice moving forward. I hadn't dated anyone other than my wife for about 15 years, so I was just being naive. It's going to make me more cautious moving forward, and this social activity break is going to help. I'll have time to reflect, and time to focus on my family.

[Whore*of*Mensa]

Well I can surely relate to this.

 

Sometimes you meet people who are drowning, and they cling to you. It can be hard not to get pulled down too. 
 

Not sure what to say other than that you have obviously shown some compassion. You can’t help unless you moor yourself on your own safe place, whatever that is...Maybe you do just have to push her off...

[Memento1]

Geez, I'm sorry, @Sinking_In.  It is an especially stressful time for a lot of people, and it's hard trying to deal with other people's stress on top of your own.  I was just thinking the other day about how hard this quarantining must be on people who already have stressful home lives.  I know most people need to have a clean cut from a break-up, but I also hoped this was a situation where you could remain friends.  I'm sorry it didn't work out.  I wish you, her, and your family the best!

[Sinking_In]

I appreciate the thoughts, and my thoughts are with you all during this time, too. We're here from all over the world, all going through this together, to varying degrees. I count myself fortunate that I was able to 1) stock up on necessary food & supplies (without hoarding), and 2) that I can work from home. My wife, however, cannot, and though it will be a strain, I know we're in better shape than millions of people whose lives are turned upside down without many options. Be well, and I hope this all passes sooner than later.

[Sinking_In]

So. we learned we're probably going to be cooped up until JUNE, unless the President or the governor step in, and that would require the medical infrastructure be brought up to speed faster than it is. This virus is spreading faster than its cousin SARS-CoV, which had the similar effects on the respiratory system. From 2002-2004 we contained that strain and kept it from spreading without shutting everything down. I admit this is good practice for a possible zombie apocalypse, but it's apparent we were grossly unprepared. I've been watching every zombie and contagion movie I have, just to brush up. The last two night, and probably most helpful, were Carriers and Zombieland  I never thought myself a big zombie movie fan, but it turns out I have over a dozen of them on disk.

 

I should hope we learn from this, especially since so many seem to be ignoring guidelines and are getting infected, themselves. Licking toilets? Hooking up at Spring Break beach parties? It blows my mind, but I'm also not surprised. And enough of these live animal butcher markets in China, or anywhere else for that matter. It's no longer the Dark Ages. There's an old saying: never shit where you eat. It's typically applied to other things, but this case, never let live animals shit where you prepare your food. Okay, rant over. We're still safe, still stocked up and healthy. Toilet paper down to 16 rolls, plus 2 on the hooks (thank God I installed that bidet a few years ago). I've also found a few N95 masks in the garage, so we can go out if need be. I've always washed my hands 20+ times a day, and I'm extra cautious now. My wife and kids, well, not nearly as hypo as I am. They typically get sick and bring it to me, and being last to go down, I go down the hardest. My wife thinks I'm weak for as sick as I eventually get, but I get the 3x mutated version of whatever it is they had. I'm thinking they inadvertently may have made me immune to the more deadly diseases, but I'd rather not put that to the test

 

My newest lover (only met once, mind you), still keeps in contact with me. She's managing. She still thinks about me (and I her), and she is looking forward to seeing me whenever we can. I think my wife was having some mercy on me, perhaps she was also craving some human connection beyond our unavoidable interaction now, and we actually made love for the first time in....six, seven months? I didn't ask for it, and I wouldn't, but it was really nice. I decided I wasn't going to overthink it, and just enjoy the moment with her. She fell asleep in my arms. It had been a very long time since we have felt that....relaxed. I have a sneaking suspicion we aren't alone, and we'll probably see a spike in birth rates in December of this year  

 

Be well everyone! Keep taking precautions, and binge watch those shows you always told yourself you'd get around to watching. Get those projects done around the house, too. I'm building a deck for the first time. If it goes well, I'm building a second, and then I'm enclosing the back patio and turning it into a lanai. After that, a minor bathroom remodel. All I've ever needed before was the time to do these things, and well, I've got lots of that now.

[Sinking_In]

Still on lock down, still haven't seen my new lover, but she and I contact one another about every day. There is a lot of anticipation being built up, that's for sure. I'm working from home, so I don't have as much free time as I thought I would for the home improvement projects. I did get around to some landscaping today, though. The deck build had to be momentarily scrapped, both because of weather and design issues. I have a new plan, and the next whole day I have, I'll knock it out. This weekend, maybe? I'm also weighing seeing my lover this weekend. If I do, there will be zero social distancing, I can say that much for sure! It's been a month since I've seen her. Other than that, taking it day by day. Have 12 new rolls of toilet paper! Woohoo! Stay safe everyone!

[Memento1]

Yeah, the timing of this pandemic was pretty lousy for your love-life, @Sinking_In!  Hehe.  Glad to get an update, though, and hear that everyone there is safe for the moment.  On a similar note, I was working on going to more social events and trying to make new friends before this all started, and now that's frustratingly on hold for the foreseeable future.  Even as an introvert I'm getting restless!  That's really saying something

[Sinking_In]

@Memento1 on a positive note, you're more driven/ looking forward to meeting new people now, so don't be timid out of the starting gate the moment everything opens up. Use that stored up potential energy and carry that momentum forward  I'd be a good wingman if only I were in MN  

[Sinking_In]

Not much new to report. I still have not seen any lovers, though I've chatted with a few women on dating sites (I'm seeing a lot more flight attendants and medical personnel on those sites recently). There's one who seems to have taken an interest, but being an RN, she won't meet anyone until COVID-19 is under control (she is currently exposed to patients with it, so she won't risk spreading it, herself, which is commendable). The quarantine is supposed to be lifted (in stages) very soon. The woman I saw ONCE, before the pandemic shutdown, wants to see me this week, but I'm not 100% sure it will happen. We've both been self-quarantined for the most part, so I'm not too worried about seeing her. I guess we'll see what happens? I did get chatted up by someone on Tinder, who just turned out to be a prostitute looking for clients. Ugh! Tinder is THE WORST! I'd say there's probably 10% genuine people on it. The rest of the profiles are bots (many Chinese & Russian) to trick users into wasting time and money, and of course prostitutes. If you're one of the 10% on there, no offense, and please feel free to swipe right. LOL!

Being in-doors with the family has been a mixed bag of fun & stress. We went for a long day trek into the national forests, which was great (aside from the sunburn on the spots I missed with the sunblock)  Be well everyone, I think we're going to see some light at the end of the tunnel, though COVID-19 will remain a concern for quite some time. 

[Traveler40]

Meanwhile, down south:

 

sunburn ✅

married, sexless, bored ✅

waiting on lover ✅

 

So, it’s basically a mirror image here without the Tind-escapades!  My lover says 2 more weeks at a minimum. Whatever it takes is fine. One of his closest friend’s immediate family members succumbed to the virus last week, and he’s terrified for his elderly parents. I’m down with whatever he needs to do. 
 

We’ve been doing our own cleaning and landscaping since both our housekeeper and gardner are on hiatus. It’s one hell of a job keeping things tidy! Of course, every time I say that, my husband looks at me like I’m insane and says, “we?!?”  So yeah, basically I describe my vision, and he knocks it out. #grateful!

 

Hang in there. This too shall pass.

[Sinking_In]

@Traveler40 we're all in the same boat, and if you see the boat a rockin', don't anyone assume it's anything more than waves  

Sorry to hear COVID-19 hit close to home for your lover. CA is supposed to open little by little, and other states are already initiating reopening measures, so he might start to be more open to the idea of a conjugal visit if the reopening phases go well. In the meantime, keep taking zinc, vitamin C&D, and at the very least you'll have the most amazing yard on the block when this is all done  

[Sinking_In]

I feel a bit foolish. I got exciting thinking I had set up a date to see the single polyamorous "lover" I had only gone out with once before the COVID-19 shutdown. I had gotten ready and texted I was on the way, and apparently the date was not definite. No harm done, I hadn't gotten past the end of my block, but now we've made explicit plans to meet on Friday. At the same time, I'm not entirely sure i should count on it. I thought we made plans for last night, and I was wrong, so....I'll just leave my busy schedule open, just in case

 

I did have a good phone call with a single polyamorous woman today. We talked for an hour, and it turns out, we live 30 miles apart, but we both worked for the same family during overlapping time periods, just at different locations. It's a small world, after all! She seems very nice, very....calm, and we all know that's something I seem to be very attracted to on many levels . We're already planning on meeting once the bars & restaurants in her area open up, and I am looking forward to it. We have quite a lot in common, so we'll see if there's more chemistry when we see each other.

 

I've also been texting often with a married polyamorous woman I had met online. She is a nurse, though, who works in a ward that cares for COVID-19 patients, and she made it clear there will be no meet-ups for quite some time, for my safety and hers. I can respect that, and considering how well that is going (very well), I don't mind the wait  

 

Tinder can KMA! LOL

[Sinking_In]

So a fair amount has happened recently. I FINALLY got to see my most recent lover. It was just what we both needed. Neither of us get out much, so aside from exposing ourselves to each other, we're not really exposed elsewhere. She's very cool, and sweet and fun, and identifies as non-monogamous, so I'm continuing on my polyamory path, and she is aware. I'm still in contact with two other women, strictly virtual for now, both are polyamorous, one single, one married. I am going on a "social distancing date with the single woman this week. We'll meet at a park and keep some distance, wearing masks, of course. It's odd, but this is the new "normal" for now. She's about an hour away, not too bad. Same as my recent lover (in the opposite direction). Everyone I find seems to live an hour away. I suppose that's a good thing, really, as a little distance helps to keep things from getting carried away. I'm also limiting myself to non-monogamous/ polyamorous women for now. I connected with another who is single and identifies as non-monogamous, but she told me she just got out of an emotionally vested relationship, and she admitted she won't be emotionally available for a while. I told her I was fine keeping it platonic. She wanted to ask me a lot of questions about my open marriage, as the man she broke up with was married, but it seems he was simply cheating. I think she was hoping to get ideas on how to broach the subject, or rather HE broach the subject of an open marriage with his wife. I certainly want no part in any drama, but I'm happy to discuss things on a neutral level.

I've gotten a lot done around the house. I've installed one shower door, have one more to do, but that will require some tile work and framing. I've built a treehouse for the kids, and I'll have my deck done, soon. After all of that I plan on cleaning out the garage (I'll have to schedule a Salvation Army pickup), and then my greatest challenge: turning my back patio into a lanai or sun room. I guess the one good thing coming from being on shelter-in-place is I am finally tackling the projects I've put off for so many years. It just took being stuck at home and forced to look at them day in and day out to motivate me

Keep being safe everyone!

[Traveler40]

It sounds eerily similar to what’s happening down south, but contained to our trio.  Frankly, it’s been both good and productive here which makes it a time in life that I think we will look back on wistfully. Being mindful it’s not that way for everyone, we stick to our little island of “happily quarantined” quietly. 
 

Accomplishments in general:
1. Salvation Army runs completed.

2. Kid’s rooms cleaned out and reorganized.

3. Revamped landscaping still in progress.

4: Rendezvous with lover last week 🙌🏻.
5. Awesome vacation booked.

6: Fixed two random electrical issues.
 

The last frontier around these parts is a full garage clean up. I’m a huge believer in always parking in your garage and living in a neighborhood where any visible neighbor does, so it’s not too terrible. However, since COVID and extra supplies, my normally hyper organized and tranquil space is not so and driving me up the wall. I must say, working on these things as a family has been fun, enlightening and brings a deeper sense of accomplishment once completed. So yes, next weekend it is us versus the garage 💪🏼.

 

Sometimes it’s odd to read your updates as they feel so similar to what’s going on here, even down to the Salvation Army donations. So, I kind of chuckle as I can practically see and feel your progress. Keep it up and thanks for the update. It’s all good stuff. 

 

 

[Traveler40]

1 hour ago, CBC said:

The best part, I imagine? 😁

 

Though a vacation sounds pretty good, too. I'll take one of those, please.

Yeah, he pretty much looked like a hippie! He hasn’t had a haircut in so long I told him he “could leave his hat on!” 🤣

[Traveler40]

That’s hilarious! 🤭

 

My lover is way more yuppie than hippie generally, but he did come donning a hat. The Randy Newman reference was just perfectly plated...haha

 

How does one not know what 69 refers to beyond a certain age? Such a curiosity.  Haha

[ryn2]

The house where I grew up had that as a street number so I didn’t even make it to middle school without knowing - thanks to the teasing - what it referred to.  XD

[ryn2]

51 minutes ago, CBC said:

I'm not sure most people need how-to videos so long as they know what bits go where. The rest is fairly intuitive.

Oh, I’ve sure met some guys who could have greatly benefitted!  Not to pick on men specifically, that’s just all I can speak for personally.