TMI (contains sexual topic) asexual but want to have children

[cutiepastels]

I am asexual/demisexual. Have been with my bf nearly 5 years. We would like to have a baby together. Have been trying to get pregnant nearly 6 months now. We typically only have sex once or twice a week and he cums once each time. Past two weeks we have tried to keep up with sex twice a week at least, and if possible he tries cumming twice (so sex twice in one day)

But the problem is I have trouble having sex with him when in missionary position - that is apparently the best position and easiest way to get pregnant. Instead I like to be on top and feel more in control and also when in missionary it can be a bit painful sometimes.

I've told him that I need more foreplay to get wet enough even if that means just kissing, cuddling, massage or gentle touching of my body rather than him giving me oral sex or him fingering me as I don't care for that as much. 

 

I am also bipolar so have to take medication for it olanzapine. I read online this could affect hormones for when trying to get pregnant. I never really feel horny anymore tho sometimes my boobs or back ache but not a real sexual ache. I wonder if it is the medication affecting me or case of me having a low labido past 2 years now. (when we were first together had sex quite often first two years and in different positions) but also sometimes I get a bit depressed which can affect things too. I also gained weight the past year due to medication.

And my menstrual cycle has been a problem since I was a teen would have periods every 2 or 3 weeks. But took the pill over 10 years and stopped for a year, now have periods every 3 to 4 weeks about every 25 days. So I wonder if I have a fertility problem or my bf does?

 

I wanted to ask you fellow ACEs who have had children - how did you get pregnant? How often did you have sex at that point and what positions worked best? Also how long did it take for you to try before getting pregnant? How do you keep up the desire to have sex? 

I'm afraid to ask my doctor for a fertility check - is it best to keep on trying until a year at least then ask?

As I am in my 30s now, 35 next year it could also just be an age thing affecting me?

 

I've asked my bf to drink less coffee/caffeine in general and soya milk as that can affect sperm count too.

 

Any advice? Hope to hear from someone soon.

[Grimalkin]

Sexual position does not have all that much effect on whether or not you conceive. The difference is negligible. 

 

I would see a doctor about your medication, to get a professional's opinion on whether or not it may be affecting you. I would also advise you and your boyfriend to both have fertility testing done. Better to rule it out, especially as you have had menstrual cycle issues in the past. You're not that old, and conceiving at any age shouldn't be a problem (though do be sure to keep a close eye on your pregnancy as you get older in case of complications-- you're still young enough that it shouldn't be a problem, but better safe than sorry).

 

Basically, doctors doctors doctors! Don't be afraid to have check-ups and consultations. It's better to know things than not to know, because if there are any issues, knowing is the first step in fixing them.

[uhtred]

Talking with a doctor makes sense.  On caution though, the infertility medical business is big business, and there is a lot of unscrupulous activity. Read online to compare with what you are told. 

 

Why doesn't he want to give you more foreplay?  Is he also asexual?  Its not an issue for pregnancy but if it would make sex more comfortable for you, why won't he do it?

 

 

[cutiepastels]

On 9/16/2019 at 3:09 PM, uhtred said:

Talking with a doctor makes sense.  On caution though, the infertility medical business is big business, and there is a lot of unscrupulous activity. Read online to compare with what you are told. 

 

Why doesn't he want to give you more foreplay?  Is he also asexual?  Its not an issue for pregnancy but if it would make sex more comfortable for you, why won't he do it?

 

 

oh my partner is sexual, he doesn't realise how long it takes for me and my body to feel comfortable enough to have sex. so I have to tell him each time to take longer and I need to feel more relaxed. It can be a bit hard as even if I am wet, I am not always ready as my brain needs to catch up and feel safe and comfortable especially if he is on top. Some days are suddenly easier and can try different positions even. Most days it is usually just me on top once I am wet enough.

[cutiepastels]

On 9/16/2019 at 2:43 PM, Grimalkin said:

Sexual position does not have all that much effect on whether or not you conceive. The difference is negligible. 

 

I would see a doctor about your medication, to get a professional's opinion on whether or not it may be affecting you. I would also advise you and your boyfriend to both have fertility testing done. Better to rule it out, especially as you have had menstrual cycle issues in the past. You're not that old, and conceiving at any age shouldn't be a problem (though do be sure to keep a close eye on your pregnancy as you get older in case of complications-- you're still young enough that it shouldn't be a problem, but better safe than sorry).

 

Basically, doctors doctors doctors! Don't be afraid to have check-ups and consultations. It's better to know things than not to know, because if there are any issues, knowing is the first step in fixing them.

thanx I guess you are right I should ask the doctor about it sometime. But it is tough as I have bipolar most doctors are against me having children it seems, even tho I have changed medication. The GP doctor who was good and I used to see no longer works there full time and she has been on leave for past few months. So I have to find another GP to get used to telling them my problems and to be comfortable enough to. So telling them I have problem with sex and not sure if I can pregnant will be hard to see if they will actually help me.

 

I have a medication review this week and need to see GP then, I guess I will try ask her then otherwise next time. As it is hard to get a proper appointment as they have this 1 problem 1 appointment policy. This appointment will probably be a follow up on how I am doing with lamotrigine which I am not currently taking as I want to get pregnant. But I will ask them if olanzapine affects fertility as I never thought to ask that before.

[uhtred]

51 minutes ago, cutiepastels said:

oh my partner is sexual, he doesn't realise how long it takes for me and my body to feel comfortable enough to have sex. so I have to tell him each time to take longer and I need to feel more relaxed. It can be a bit hard as even if I am wet, I am not always ready as my brain needs to catch up and feel safe and comfortable especially if he is on top. Some days are suddenly easier and can try different positions even. Most days it is usually just me on top once I am wet enough.

Try talking / explaining more.  Most (at least many?) sexual men enjoy pleasing their partners.  Why can't he just take more time? Unless we are talking hours and hours each time  and its eating into the the rest of your free time.  

[cutiepastels]

19 minutes ago, uhtred said:

Try talking / explaining more.  Most (at least many?) sexual men enjoy pleasing their partners.  Why can't he just take more time? Unless we are talking hours and hours each time  and its eating into the the rest of your free time.  

lol not sure how long sex lasts for. it can be an hour or more sometimes, don't really check the time before we start. he gets aroused but then when he needs to concentrate on me it sometimes go away and then I have to help him get hard again, so he gets frustrated sometimes - I think that may be why. It's not that he is being selfish deliberately. I just hope he can remember himself that I need time probably 15-30 mins to get to the point I am ready. 

We usually have sex in the evening. I have tried to ask him to have it late afternoon sometimes on weekend instead but around that time we are usually eating or watching tv if we are indoors. Maybe this weekend can try earlier time.

[JMR]

Something that has helped me in the bedroom is prepping myself a little bit beforehand! I require a good amount of foreplay, so I’ll start getting myself aroused on a night where I know we will be having sex, so that I’m already halfway there before we even start! I also feel more comfortable doing it myself so it helps keep me in a good headspace for the main event!

 

My husband and I are hoping to start trying at the end of the year!! Good luck to you guys!!

[MrDane]

Perhaps some lube could also do the trick? 

[cutiepastels]

17 hours ago, JMR said:

Something that has helped me in the bedroom is prepping myself a little bit beforehand! I require a good amount of foreplay, so I’ll start getting myself aroused on a night where I know we will be having sex, so that I’m already halfway there before we even start! I also feel more comfortable doing it myself so it helps keep me in a good headspace for the main event!

 

My husband and I are hoping to start trying at the end of the year!! Good luck to you guys!!

thanx for this! maybe I should try that too then I will feel more relaxed, it's silly I forgot even that I can try something myself! It's just that I don't get as horny these days so don't self pleasure - but that is also important for a woman to do once in a while as it also relaxes the body.

 

good luck to you and your husband too!

[cutiepastels]

4 hours ago, MrDane said:

Perhaps some lube could also do the trick? 

we do use lube lots, but it can get a bit sticky sometime - we use ky jelly as it is the only one I don't get burning sensation. the durex lube never suited me.

 

I think it's my brain partly not being ready makes me wimp out scared I will feel pain, if he goes on top. 

I think this fear is from my last relationship with my ex bf when I lost my virginity to him it was painful. It was a long time ago but something in me is always scared of that pain happening again. I actually don't remember how the pain felt now but think it is out of habit.

[Nylocke]

Maybe adopt???

[Skycaptain]

@cutiepastels, your sexual orientation will never affect your ovulation cycle. If despite repeated attempts pregnancy isn't happening consulting medical professionals is wise. There are many reasons for an inability for a couple to bear children ranging from one being infertile to a simple blood group incompatibility. 

[anisotrophic]

My tips from getting preggers: from what you said it doesn't sound like you have anything unusual with your cycle. Learn when the ovulation window is probably occurring, that's the only time it counts to have sperm cells present. I recommend just aiming to have sperm already present with sex in the days before, since the egg doesn't last as long (12-24 hours) as sperm does (2-3 days). (ie do not try to detect and have sex based on detection of ovulation, you'll risk missing the window for that egg) Ejaculating too often (like more than once every two days) reduces sperm quality, and it lasts a while, so sex every 2 or 3 days is a good target.

 

https://uscfertility.org/sperm-waiting-egg/

[anisotrophic]

... this idea that you just need to have lots of sex isn't very focused. You just need to have sex at the right time. The rest isn't helpful.

[cutiepastels]

8 hours ago, anisotrophic said:

My tips from getting preggers: from what you said it doesn't sound like you have anything unusual with your cycle. Learn when the ovulation window is probably occurring, that's the only time it counts to have sperm cells present. I recommend just aiming to have sperm already present with sex in the days before, since the egg doesn't last as long (12-24 hours) as sperm does (2-3 days). (ie do not try to detect and have sex based on detection of ovulation, you'll risk missing the window for that egg) Ejaculating too often (like more than once every two days) reduces sperm quality, and it lasts a while, so sex every 2 or 3 days is a good target.

 

https://uscfertility.org/sperm-waiting-egg/

ok thanx I have been trying to have sex twice a week now, to get my body used to it. I use a period and fertility tracker, the original tracker was not very accurate for ovulation but great for finding period dates. the second tracker is meant to be more accurate tracking ovulation days.

 

so turns out it is usually every 3-4 days we have sex. hopefully the quality of sperm is good.

 

I am trying to get back into fitness again and healthy eating to try lose weight in case weight gain is making things a problem? 

 

sex has gotten a bit more easier lately as we use lots of lube too and I remind him to touch me more. Still me on top when he cums tho as he gets tired being on top trying to cum. It has been easier past two times when he is on top if I have loosened up a bit by being on top and also if he is standing with me against the wall/door then when he is on top after it is easier. just when he is on top it can sometimes rub an uncomfortable spot / gspot sometimes feels good and other times not, tried adjusting the depth and angle to feel good but also make sure when he cums it is deep inside but hard to tell. he has only managed to cum whilst being on top once a month so far.

but you say position is not too important compared to fertility window.

 

I just had periods last week, and according to ovulation tracker my next fertility window is 2 weeks after it so this week sometime.

[cutiepastels]

8 hours ago, anisotrophic said:

... this idea that you just need to have lots of sex isn't very focused. You just need to have sex at the right time. The rest isn't helpful.

thanx yeh it is more important near fertility time. the rest of the time is just for practice so not as important if miss those days thanx. so even if once or twice a month sex is ok as long as fertile week. 

[anisotrophic]

12 hours ago, cutiepastels said:

I am trying to get back into fitness again and healthy eating to try lose weight in case weight gain is making things a problem?

Yeah, it could be. We tried over a year with our first kid and getting my weight down was probably part of it. That combined with not being focused about timing. Weight loss is a first thing a doc would ask you to try.

 

I was obese, probably a BMI of 34. I think I got pregnant after getting that down to 29. I'm a bit below BMI 24 now. What worked for me on this was to log everything I ate with an all like MyFitnessPal. Yeah I think this is important to try, it'll also reduce risks of pregnancy - gestational diabetes, pre-eclampsia, etc.

 

The last kid I had, I got pregnant the first month (!) -- between the weight loss and conscious timing, I guess, despite being late 30s? And luck. Normal success rate is around 30% chance of getting pregnant each month, so even best health & timing for fertility there's a 70% chance of *not* pregnant each month -- it's not unusual to take several months. And it's also not unusual to succeed immediately. Scary how random such a huge event is, even when "planned"!

 

I never worried about position; and... I rarely have sex with my.partner on top. (But I'm not the ace, he is, and I guess "being on top" is extra work to expect from someone that doesn't really want sex in the first place.) I think you could safely not worry about that, as long as stuff gets in, it's in. The sperm literally swim, they're equipped to make the journey, which is a lot longer than the vaginal canal. : P

 

Good luck! Kids are hard work 😅

[cutiepastels]

On 9/26/2019 at 1:13 AM, anisotrophic said:

Yeah, it could be. We tried over a year with our first kid and getting my weight down was probably part of it. That combined with not being focused about timing. Weight loss is a first thing a doc would ask you to try.

 

I was obese, probably a BMI of 34. I think I got pregnant after getting that down to 29. I'm a bit below BMI 24 now. What worked for me on this was to log everything I ate with an all like MyFitnessPal. Yeah I think this is important to try, it'll also reduce risks of pregnancy - gestational diabetes, pre-eclampsia, etc.

 

The last kid I had, I got pregnant the first month (!) -- between the weight loss and conscious timing, I guess, despite being late 30s? And luck. Normal success rate is around 30% chance of getting pregnant each month, so even best health & timing for fertility there's a 70% chance of *not* pregnant each month -- it's not unusual to take several months. And it's also not unusual to succeed immediately. Scary how random such a huge event is, even when "planned"!

 

I never worried about position; and... I rarely have sex with my.partner on top. (But I'm not the ace, he is, and I guess "being on top" is extra work to expect from someone that doesn't really want sex in the first place.) I think you could safely not worry about that, as long as stuff gets in, it's in. The sperm literally swim, they're equipped to make the journey, which is a lot longer than the vaginal canal. : P

 

Good luck! Kids are hard work 😅

thanks for your reply! I managed to lose weight early last year down to 52kg. But now 18 months later weigh 62kg. I will try to get back into healthy eating and exercise. The only diet that worked for me is atkins but even with that is only shortlived. It took me 3 months to lose weight from 58kg to 52kg.

 

At the moment I need to watch out for snacking too much and eating at night after 8pm. 

If I can change these habits will be a big help.

Tough part is trying to lose 10kg!

 

Also I'm glad it doesn't matter which position you have sex in at least, less of a worry for me.

Sex has become easier the more we try lately. Although my sex drive is still low, it's become more of a habit/routine now so I don't have to worry about it much.

 

I will try find MyFitnessPal app. see if that helps too thanx!

[anisotrophic]

9 hours ago, cutiepastels said:

managed to lose weight early last year down to 52kg. But now 18 months later weigh 62kg.

Oh, I don't think you should blame your weight if you're not overweight (unless you're especially short, this weight doesn't seem too high).

[lemon_lime]

Due to my husband's physical limitations, we only ever have penetrative sex with me on top and we've had two kids. I would just lay down on my side or back with a pillow under my butt for 5-10 mins after. There is also the option of not actually having sex and using a turkey baster instead. I know, sounds weird, but we had a lot of trouble conceiving so I was researching options and I was gonna try this and had already bought the turkey baster, but ended up pregnant first. Works even better when you're ace!  Also, when trying to conceiving its actually recommended for the guy to not cum more than once a day. Waiting 2-3 is best because it makes the semen more potent. 

[cutiepastels]

On 10/4/2019 at 12:26 AM, anisotrophic said:

Oh, I don't think you should blame your weight if you're not overweight (unless you're especially short, this weight doesn't seem too high).

I'm 5 ft 3 so quite short. I used to weigh 48-50kg in my 20s and was a size 8/10, but now I am near mid 30s I am size 12/14, nearer to 14 now. One of my jeans is a bit tight around the waist, so having to wear the looser pair of jeans.

[cutiepastels]

On 10/4/2019 at 8:20 PM, lemon_lime said:

Due to my husband's physical limitations, we only ever have penetrative sex with me on top and we've had two kids. I would just lay down on my side or back with a pillow under my butt for 5-10 mins after. There is also the option of not actually having sex and using a turkey baster instead. I know, sounds weird, but we had a lot of trouble conceiving so I was researching options and I was gonna try this and had already bought the turkey baster, but ended up pregnant first. Works even better when you're ace!  Also, when trying to conceiving its actually recommended for the guy to not cum more than once a day. Waiting 2-3 is best because it makes the semen more potent. 

oh cool thanks for this! that sounds more promising for me. never tried turkey baster method tho, hopefully I will get pregnant too before that. And cool, me and my bf only manage one time of sex during a day, and it is usually every 3 days.