Am I still Ace? and how do I tell her?

[Iratherbeawerewolf]

So I am currently flirting with this girl. We haven't know each other long but things are heating up. She is very forward and kind of a fast mover. I enjoy our time together and our bantering back and forth. The problem is she is sexually active and I don't know how to casually bring up that I'm ace. Also, I'm confused because she will rest her hand on my thigh and draw circles which I think is supposed to be a turn on for Allos but It does nothing for me. Only when she play with my hair I just unravel and feel like I could turn into a puddle. I'm so confused, I'm definitely sex repulsed, but am I still Ace? what about the feeling I get when she plays with my hair? And how do I tell her I'm not interested in sex? 

 

If you have any advice I'd appreciate it 

[RoseGoesToYale]

I say just be straightforward and tell her what kind of relationship you're looking for, and that sex may be off the table. That way there's no ambiguity or confusion and you both can decide how you want to proceed.

 

17 minutes ago, Iratherbeawerewolf said:

what about the feeling I get when she plays with my hair?

That's a natural response. Certain areas of the skin, e.g. the scalp, when subject to light touch release a bunch of feel-good chemicals. This itself doesn't have anything to do with sexual arousal, anyone can do it to anyone, it's just feels verrry relaxing. I'm still not sure why this happens there.

[kumiko_itoe]

1 hour ago, Iratherbeawerewolf said:

So I am currently flirting with this girl. We haven't know each other long but things are heating up. She is very forward and kind of a fast mover. I enjoy our time together and our bantering back and forth. The problem is she is sexually active and I don't know how to casually bring up that I'm ace. Also, I'm confused because she will rest her hand on my thigh and draw circles which I think is supposed to be a turn on for Allos but It does nothing for me. Only when she play with my hair I just unravel and feel like I could turn into a puddle. I'm so confused, I'm definitely sex repulsed, but am I still Ace? what about the feeling I get when she plays with my hair? And how do I tell her I'm not interested in sex? 

 

If you have any advice I'd appreciate it 

 

The feeling you get when she plays with your hair is just like what some people experience when they get a good massage after a long day or have that wonderful slice of cake on a bad day. 

My husband is sexual and he loves when I play with his hair or give him a back scratch. But it doesn't lead to sex. He just loves the feeling. 

 

Though for sexuals, she is obviously trying to seduce you. You could tell her how much you like her and explain that you are asexual and ask if she is ok to try the relationship out. The outcome of this could go many ways though. 

 

[Lara Black]

People here have already said enough about your reaction not being arousal per se. However, you can be asexual even if you get aroused after some actions. There are many different types of asexuality, and some aces feel erotic excitement. So, IMHO, there’s not much use in defining your orientation. You just need to know what you want to do or to be done to you.

You want scalp massages? Cool!

Do you want hugs and cuddles?

Do you want to kiss and touch each other in intimate places?

And so on.

Answering a bunch of intimacy-related questions will help you better understand your position in relationship and will help you explain it to your potential partner. Most people don’t know asexuality anyway – you’ll still have to explain what you do and don’t want.