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I always make things harder for myself


katinthehat

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So a couple years have passed since I identified with being asexual. It explained my general disinterest and nervousness about the dating scene, but I'm still unable to narrow down exactly where in the spectrum I stand in. I want to have a normal social life and make some close friends, but there are times where I meet a man who I have common interests with, and we have different expectations. The guy always wants something romantically or sexually, while I want friendship. They are not open about it at first, but they'll ask for my number. I don't think it's a bad idea to give my number because I'm thinking that we'll hang out and get closer as friends. Then things take a turn as we get to know each other, and I feel like I put myself in an awkward spot since I'm disinterested. Should I expect that when a guy asks for my phone number, he doesn't just want to be friends? I feel like it would be uncouth to automatically assume that is the case and decline.

 

Edit: I should add that I'm not open about my asexuality, and I'm still not comfortable with explaining that side of myself to people.

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I've been there myself often enough, I'm sorry to say. It's very hard to get around without talking about how you feel, and even then, some may see you as a challenge or disappear as they don't want to be just friends. Some may even think you want commitment if you become close enough friends, and run away...

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1 minute ago, Moonman said:

Isn't them disappearing completely a much better alternative than faking friendship in the hope you'll change your mind and date them? I am better off on my own than with a friend that doesn't actually want friendship but something else that I am not interested in.

Very true, you're right of course, but it's still a loss of a potential good friend.

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I know what you mean. I had that a lot when I was younger, got me so stressed and disapointed that I stopped meeting people. And that was a mistake because it's not always others who decide what sort of relationship you'll have. Even if they don't have friendship in their mind they may come around once they meet you. 

The best advice I can give you is to be yourself, be who you want to be, meet people, have fun. Sometimes they give you some hints and rarely just open up and confess if they expect something different. If they bring up the topic around relationships you can say then you're not interested. You don't have to explain why. Sometimes you may have to be strict or even rude but if you have to be, I say be. Just don't let anyone keep you from having a social life.

 

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1 hour ago, TheAbhorrent said:

The best advice I can give you is to be yourself, be who you want to be, meet people, have fun. Sometimes they give you some hints and rarely just open up and confess if they expect something different. If they bring up the topic around relationships you can say then you're not interested. You don't have to explain why. Sometimes you may have to be strict or even rude but if you have to be, I say be. Just don't let anyone keep you from having a social life.

 

This! All of this! 

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