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helana12_03

Question for asexuals in their 40's+ who didn't want to have children when they were younger

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helana12_03

Did you ever regret it? I have no desire to have children, ever, and I don't think I ever will. People often tell me that I will regret it if I don't. Is that true? 

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Logans

I have been told the same thing over and over but it has not been true for me. I never liked or wanted kids and now that I am 43 nothing is changed I still do not like them still do not want any kid. No regrets here only apprecion for the freedom I can enjoy.

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Nowhere Girl

I'm not yet 40+, I'm 38 years old, but my choice not to have children was much earlier than in most people - I made that decision at the age of five, after reading (personally :)) two books explaining reproduction to children.

I have never regretted it. I don't recall having ever, even for a minute, felt any desire to have children.

I don't dislike children, but I also wouldn't say that I particularly like them. I'm rather indifferent to children, although I respect them (lots of people say that they love children, but too seldom does love come with respect...). I simply cannot imagine being a good parent, I know that I couldn't. I have some trace amounts of maternal instinct, expressed through cooing and squeaking over tiger cubs and keeping my plushies (including Paul, age 37, the reason for my tigermania in person), but just that is enough to satisfy it.

Besides - there is adoption, and I don't see it as an option for me because I simply wouldn't like to be a parent anyway... but the idea of biological reproduction is extremely terrifying to me. This is exactly what made me freak out at the age of five. I never "got over it", but I don't think that a mature person should - never ever wanting to give birth is a valid preference and women who want to have children aren't "more mature" than those who don't.

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theV0ID

I can't answer this question but the "you'll regret it" argument always seemed ridiculous to me. I mean, what sort of person does something they definitely don't want to do just because there's a possibility that future-them might regret not doing it? Especially something as huge and life changing as having a child? And involving a non-consenting third party (the unwanted child) in it too. Sounds incredibly irresponsible to me.

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IntrovertPolyglot

I'm 42. When I was 18-20 I worked an an au pair with a couple of families, and after taking care of children day-in, day-out for a long period of time, I knew it wasn't for me. I revisited the idea after I'd been married a few years, but thinking about it made me feel really tied down and miserable. At this point, I not only don't regret it, I feel really happy that I have time for myself. I really like children, enjoying playing with and babysitting nieces/nephews etc., but I also enjoy handing them back over to their parents and knowing they're not my responsibility. 

 

For me, having children was too big and non-reversible a decision to go into without feeling confident and excited about it. Parenting is hard, pregnancy and childbirth are painful and risky, and I imagine you need to know it's worth it to you, in order to go through it all. Personally, I'm also really uncomfortable with the idea of pregnancy and childbirth, so that was another major sticking point. I sometimes wonder how I would have felt about having children if I had a partner who would carry the child, give birth, be the primary parent and take on the responsibility of meeting their needs - maybe more positive, but I still don't want to have children living with me round the clock. 

 

Go with your gut. If you think about the day-to-day of parenting and a lot of negative feelings come up, it's probably not for you. On the other hand, if you think about it and have the more nervous-but-excited feelings associated with stepping out of your comfort zone, maybe it's something to consider further. 

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Homer

I don't qualify as 40+ yet, but my stance is that it's better to regret not having had children than the other way around. There are a couple of ways to take care of a child regardless if you so wish, but you can't undo becoming a parent.

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CBC

Well I'm only halfway through my 30s and I'm sexual, but I'm repulsed by pregnancy and childbirth and don't ever want to be completely responsible for another person's development and wellbeing like that, plus I struggle enough to keep my own head above water, so I'm quite certain I will not regret it at any point.

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wyrdwyrm

43, never liked babies or young children, never had the urge for a family when my other friends did, and I don't regret my decision for no children at all.

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Custard Cream

I knew when I was at primary school that I didn't want kids. I never, ever changed my mind, not for an instant.  I'm 50 now and have no regrets whatsoever.

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Charna

I'm 38, never wanted to have children and this hasn't changed. If I ever change my mind (highly unlikely, but never say never), there is always adoption. Tbh, I don't see the appeal of being related by blood, which I suspect is because my own "blood" family is very problematic.

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helana12_03
2 hours ago, Charna said:

Tbh, I don't see the appeal of being related by blood, which I suspect is because my own "blood" family is very problematic.

Honestly, I don't either. But some people say they want to leave something behind when they pass. Biological children often inherit their parents' genes and traits. So that's a way of doing that. 

 

Others want to bring a new life into this world and raise them the best way that they can. It's the purpose of their whole existence and their main goal in life (based on what I've heard from friends).

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Yuliyasa

Over 30 now and no, and if I decided to never have a kid, I am quiet sure I will not regret it. I think when it comes to having a child you got to be more than a 100% sure that is what you want before you do it. Being responsible for another human is a lot more responsibility than our society wants to portray.

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Skycaptain

No regrets whatsoever, which is fortunate as I'm azoospermic anyway 

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daveb

I don't regret it. I do wonder sometimes about how it might have turned out if I had. But no regrets. Maybe it helps that most of my siblings had kids so I have nieces and nephews.

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AceMissBehaving

I turn 40 next year. Ever since I was a kid I knew I didn’t want children and that hasn’t ever changed. It has been the right choice for me and I’m happy with the decision. The vast majority of my friends are child free too these days too, and it’s satisfying seeing the things everyone is able to do with their lives.

 

If at some point my feelings change, I could see adopting an older kid maybe since I know from an old friend how hard it can be growing up in the foster care system.

 

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theV0ID
58 minutes ago, daveb said:

I don't regret it. I do wonder sometimes about how it might have turned out if I had. But no regrets. Maybe it helps that most of my siblings had kids so I have nieces and nephews.

My nephew is going to arrive any day now. I'm really interested to see how he will effect my opinion of children and potentially my own lack of interest in having kids. So far I'm just glad that my sister has taken on the responsibility of passing on our families genetic material. I've never interacted with a baby before so it will be a completely new experience, fingers crossed it won't bring out any buried maternal drive!

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Semisweet

No regrets here either. Especially when several friends of mine went through laborious fertility treatments because they were so driven to have a baby, I recognized that others had a strong maternal drive that I lacked. I did, though, very much want to be an aunt (which did happen) and have a meaningful role in a child’s life, without having the enormous responsibility of parenthood.

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Sinking_In

Not sure if this helps, but I can speak for myself, being in my 40s, but WITH children. When I was in my 30's, I did not want children. I didn't even want to be married. I'm sexual, though, but my wife is demiromantic. We've talked about this, and both she and I never thought we'd want to be married, let alone have kids. We met in our mid 30's, and suddenly new possibilities opened up for both of us. Marriage was now something we wanted, and the desire to have children shortly followed. It wasn't about legacy or genes, it was simply about embarking on a different adventure, a new experience, and sharing it with children. In fact, at the time, had we been unable to conceive, we would have totally been open to adoption. It's just what we decided to do.

In our case, it took meeting the right person for it to happen, and had we not met one another, I doubt we would have regretted not having children. We were perfectly happy being single and childless, and as long as we don't know what we'd been missing, I doubt we'd miss it at all.

Edited by Sinking_In
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Blue Phoenix Ace

"You'll regret not having children" is a pretty bold statement based on anecdotal experience. People just want to give advice based solely on what has worked for them. It isn't as universal as... "You'll regret not saving for retirement".

 

Do you think you will regret not doing something you don't want to do more than doing something you don't want to do? This isn't like passing up on a trip to Maui. This is a permanent decision to bring another life I to existence and raise it for the next two decades. You really better want that.

 

Don't regret following your desires. You're doing what you feel is right for you now. Don't believe that someday you might change your mind about it, because it's more likely that you won't 

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Ortac

So far, everybody who has replied to this question is very clear that they do not regret it, and neither does anyone believe that they will regret it. I would say the same thing, I don't regret it either, BUT, I would be lying if I said that there wasn't a tiny bit of niggling doubt in my mind. 

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Catserole

40+ and no regrets here.

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Nidwin

50 and nope. Humanity although may regret it that I'm not passing my genes but that's not my problem.

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helana12_03
On 9/16/2019 at 2:36 PM, Sinking_In said:

Not sure if this helps, but I can speak for myself, being in my 40s, but WITH children. When I was in my 30's, I did not want children. I didn't even want to be married. I'm sexual, though, but my wife is demiromantic. We've talked about this, and both she and I never thought we'd want to be married, let alone have kids. We met in our mid 30's, and suddenly new possibilities opened up for both of us. Marriage was now something we wanted, and the desire to have children shortly followed. It wasn't about legacy or genes, it was simply about embarking on a different adventure, a new experience, and sharing it with children. In fact, at the time, had we been unable to conceive, we would have totally been open to adoption. It's just what we decided to do.

In our case, it took meeting the right person for it to happen, and had we not met one another, I doubt we would have regretted not having children. We were perfectly happy being single and childless, and as long as we don't know what we'd been missing, I doubt we'd miss it at all.

Sounds like an amazing love story :). I guess that's what people mean when they say you'll change your mind when you meet the right person. I didn't realize this was actually true for some people until I read your post. 

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theV0ID
6 hours ago, helana12_03 said:

Sounds like an amazing love story :). I guess that's what people mean when they say you'll change your mind when you meet the right person. I didn't realize this was actually true for some people until I read your post. 

The reason it's cliche is that it's actually a somewhat common experience. My sister always said she had no interest in having children, and was quite vocal about her dislike of them... until she met my brother in law, 2 years later a baby is on the way. I know a couple of other people who have had exactly the same experience.

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Sinking_In

@helana12_03

I wish I could tell you "they lived happily ever after", but it doesn't play out that way. It started out pretty nice, though, including a fairy tale wedding. I'd like to see Disney for a 10 & 20 year followup to those princess movie relationships :P

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helana12_03
19 hours ago, Sinking_In said:

@helana12_03

I wish I could tell you "they lived happily ever after", but it doesn't play out that way. It started out pretty nice, though, including a fairy tale wedding. I'd like to see Disney for a 10 & 20 year followup to those princess movie relationships :P

lol

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Filmfan

I'll be 43 next week, and no regrets on my end. I remember first saying that I didn't want kids when I was 9, but it wasn't until I was 19 and driving around my college campus that it dawned on me, "If you really don't want kids, you really don't have to have them." Never wavered on that.

 

My one piece of advice is this. If you decide to have kids, you have to be sure this is what you want. You need to be all in on that decision. That includes your time, your energy, your money, you name it. Once the kid is there, there is no turning back.

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Charna
On 9/21/2019 at 10:17 AM, theV0ID said:

The reason it's cliche is that it's actually a somewhat common experience. My sister always said she had no interest in having children, and was quite vocal about her dislike of them... until she met my brother in law, 2 years later a baby is on the way. I know a couple of other people who have had exactly the same experience.

People who never wanted to have children, had them and then regretted it are not as open about it, though. No one will cheer for that story, after all.

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StillANo4Me

I will be the outlier. I just turned 49 and I do regret it. I wouldn't wish my childhood on my worst enemy and I think I was more worried about being a horrible parent than actually not wanting children. In hindsight, I believe children could have added something to my life and that I learned a lot about what NOT to do from my own parent's horrible example. I have one cousin and I dote on his kids and spend a lot of time with them. The conversations I have with them and their general outlooks on life invigorate me. Some times I look at the world and think, I could have maybe added a decent, compassionate person or two to the mix. True, I might have spawned a serial killer, a world leader or another mailman. I'll never know and I regret it.

Edited by StillANo4Me
grammar
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MC666

If you really want kid or wonder if you will regret it, you can always try it. Baby sit a few kids at different ages 0-17 years old. See how you feel. Baby sit for a whole day, weeks etc and get a feel for it. It better to experiment then do it and regret it. People act like I don't know what I am missing with kids. I do. I babysit my nieces when they were born til they were 5. Sometime for 8-10 hours for days. I still spend a lot of time with them now that they are 6-8. I know the feeling and work of having kids. There so many pro and cons but I think experiencing the feeling of kids really help made up my mind. I don;t want them. Maybe when I am younger but not now. I am too old, almost 30, and I have my whole life set out. I don't have the time for kids. It ok to not to have kids if you want to live your life. It better for everyone especially the kids. My brother and his wife  never have time for his kids cuz they are always working. The kids are pretty sad sometime and mess up in some part. For ex,  they act like they are 12-15 when they are 6-8 cuz their parent never have time for them. So having kids is a lot of work and it super duper hard to raise them right. You need to make time, effort, and sacrifice that beyond things you want to make. I can't do that now. I can't give kids what they need. I am too selfish now and only care about myself which is fine. Love yourself, live for yourself, and accept that it is a wonderful thing. If you think you will regret having kids? Try it out and see if it worth it. It really help me see thing clearer and really give me a new perspective.

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