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Aromantic or Love Avoidance or Personality type?


Chamomile_Serenity

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Chamomile_Serenity

I'm kind of working out thoughts in the post so it's a bit long, but I was wondering if anyone else thought about this or talked about this yet? Any advice/feedback is welcome.

 

I have always loved the idea of relationships and have always wanted to be in one. I was always in one. However, once I got in one, I was pretty much over it after a few weeks. I'd go back to my wanting to freedom and feeling like the relationship is too much work and that the partner I chose was a poor choice. What should have been a date or 2 would end up a relationship that went on looooong past its expiration date.  Admittedly, I had problems with entering codependent relationships then so I had partners who were not the healthiest (I myself wasn't the healthiest).  The majority of my relationships have been me convincing myself to work through my feelings of wanting out of the relationship... but missing them if they started to show any lack of interest. avoidant/attachment. rinse and repeat. When I finally stopped dating to work on myself/ my issues/ healing whatever trauma I had,  I began to realize not only did I suddenly lose the strong desire to be in a relationship, I don't think I was ever truly happy in one. I didn't like the me I was in relationships with my partners.

 

That was then and this is now.

 

I'm older, I make healthier decisions, I've learned a lot thanks to therapy and self-help resources. I feel that I'm open to love and being in a relationship but I have no real interest in pursuing anything.  It's like healing my unhealthy stripped away the fake emotions and what's left is the raw me. I don't think I could do a conventional romantic relationship. My personality typing confirms what I already knew:  I need my space and alone time. I've found my passion and so I now love working...a lot. I don't particularly like sharing my bed (I can't sleep with someone cuddling me), yet when I have time to think about it, I would very much so enjoy someone's company. I'd enjoy knowing that someone I care deeply for and act lovingly towards is under the same roof as me. Although it takes me awhile to recognize and acknowledge loving someone, I know I'm capable of loving a partner. I do love my very few close friends dearly and fiercely.  Before I felt I needed romance and a partner now I simply want to share my world with someone.

 

I'm totally cool and would enjoy someone to hold hands with, talk about nerdy things with, go on dates with, travel the world with, I'd like to encourage, and enhance their life all the while being the authentic me. However, because I have not felt any inkling of romantic attraction towards anyone, I have simply defaulted to not pursuing anything at all. Now I wonder if I've ever felt romantic attraction or if I was just so conditioned to be in a relationship that I'd mistaken that conditioning for romantic attraction.  Is wanting romantically inclined companionship with a someone romantic attraction?

 

Currently, I identify as grey romantic because I feel that I'm romantic but I'm simply more of a loner. I guess I'm just trying to wrap my mind around aromanticism  so I could better clarify and define what it is I'm actually wanting so that when I'm ready I'll search for it as well. I want to be as honest with myself (and a potential partner) as possible.

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Galactic Turtle

I think labels are really a secondary matter here. Aromanticism, like asexuality, is thought of in such a variety of ways that it really lacks a singular agreed upon meaning or image. Some people who ID as aro ace are married with kids, and some straight people are single all or most of their lives.

 

What I do think is important is that 1. you like what you have and 2. you have a steadily developing idea of what you want in addition to what you already have. So you're in a good place and are setting yourself up to perhaps get to an even more ideal place. The clearer view you have of yourself, your wants, and needs, the more able you are to identify people who are compatible with you in partnership, in friendship, in housemates, etc.

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@Chamomile_Serenity thanks for taking the time to put all that into words.  I am questioning that I might be aromantic myself and I found that you described how I feel very closely.  I am open to a relationship if I happen to meet someone whom I love in that way, but have no desire to go out and look for such a thing.  I have always thought that actively searching for someone to fill that role of romantic partner felt forced, and that working on improving myself and becoming a better, more genuine person in my own right should take priority.  I thought that I just had a lot of issues to work through first, was emotionally guarded, and had a more logical approach to relationships than most people, but lately I'm wondering if this is indicative or demonstrative of some form of aromanticism.  I have never had nor desired a romantic relationship with any specific person, and after talking to friends about the feelings they get when romantically attracted to someone,  I don't think I've ever felt that.

 

I don't want to get too hung up on labels because that makes me overthink and get anxious.  I don't want to say I'm alloromantic because my feelings differ so greatly from other people's.  However, I don't want to say I'm aromantic because that might close me off to the possibility of a romantic relationship in the future, which may or may not happen.  Maybe I will identify as grey romantic as well.

 

Sorry I have no helpful original thoughts to offer, I just found your feelings so relatable and I appreciate your experience and the careful thought you've done.

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Chamomile_Serenity
20 hours ago, Galactic Turtle said:

you like what you have and 2. you have a steadily developing idea of what you want in addition to what you already have.

This is really helpful. Thanks! I do tend to overthink, but that's simple and I can roll with that.

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Chamomile_Serenity
18 hours ago, t. Ro said:

@Chamomile_Serenity thanks for taking the time to put all that into words.  I am questioning that I might be aromantic myself and I found that you described how I feel very closely.  I am open to a relationship if I happen to meet someone whom I love in that way, but have no desire to go out and look for such a thing.  I have always thought that actively searching for someone to fill that role of romantic partner felt forced, and that working on improving myself and becoming a better, more genuine person in my own right should take priority.  I thought that I just had a lot of issues to work through first, was emotionally guarded, and had a more logical approach to relationships than most people, but lately I'm wondering if this is indicative or demonstrative of some form of aromanticism.  I have never had nor desired a romantic relationship with any specific person, and after talking to friends about the feelings they get when romantically attracted to someone,  I don't think I've ever felt that.

 

I don't want to get too hung up on labels because that makes me overthink and get anxious.  I don't want to say I'm alloromantic because my feelings differ so greatly from other people's.  However, I don't want to say I'm aromantic because that might close me off to the possibility of a romantic relationship in the future, which may or may not happen.  Maybe I will identify as grey romantic as well.

 

Sorry I have no helpful original thoughts to offer, I just found your feelings so relatable and I appreciate your experience and the careful thought you've done.

No, thank you! It is affirming to know that I'm not the only who thinks along these lines. And yeah, I overthink all the time as well...all of these labels are so fluid. I'm the type that wants to master myself...yesterday! But I know that's just not how it goes, it's a lifelong process. Glad what I wrote resonated!  P.S. Did you make to the Ace conference NYC? It was more enjoyable than I thought it would be.

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@Chamomile_Serenity For me the trickiest part of labels is not being able to know exactly how other people feel.  I identified as allosexual for 10 years (and for 3 years after first hearing about asexuality) until I could no longer reconcile with the critical mass of evidence that I just don't feel the same way most other people do.  So now I'm wary of taking on labels since it is hard to say if the way I feel matches up with the other people who use that label.

 

I'm actually rather new to the ace community, only registered on AVEN in mid or late July so I wasn't aware of the conference when it was going on, unfortunately.  Would have been cool to go and meet people since I don't know any other aces irl, have only been chatting online.

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On 9/13/2019 at 7:41 PM, Chamomile_Serenity said:

I have always loved the idea of relationships and have always wanted to be in one. I was always in one. However, once I got in one, I was pretty much over it after a few weeks. I'd go back to my wanting to freedom and feeling like the relationship is too much work and that the partner I chose was a poor choice. What should have been a date or 2 would end up a relationship that went on looooong past its expiration date.  Admittedly, I had problems with entering codependent relationships then so I had partners who were not the healthiest (I myself wasn't the healthiest).  The majority of my relationships have been me convincing myself to work through my feelings of wanting out of the relationship... but missing them if they started to show any lack of interest. avoidant/attachment. rinse and repeat. When I finally stopped dating to work on myself/ my issues/ healing whatever trauma I had,  I began to realize not only did I suddenly lose the strong desire to be in a relationship, I don't think I was ever truly happy in one. I didn't like the me I was in relationships with my partners.

 

That was then and this is now.

 

I'm older, I make healthier decisions, I've learned a lot thanks to therapy and self-help resources. I feel that I'm open to love and being in a relationship but I have no real interest in pursuing anything.  It's like healing my unhealthy stripped away the fake emotions and what's left is the raw me. I don't think I could do a conventional romantic relationship. My personality typing confirms what I already knew:  I need my space and alone time. I've found my passion and so I now love working...a lot. I don't particularly like sharing my bed (I can't sleep with someone cuddling me), yet when I have time to think about it, I would very much so enjoy someone's company. I'd enjoy knowing that someone I care deeply for and act lovingly towards is under the same roof as me. Although it takes me awhile to recognize and acknowledge loving someone, I know I'm capable of loving a partner. I do love my very few close friends dearly and fiercely.  Before I felt I needed romance and a partner now I simply want to share my world with someone.

 

I'm totally cool and would enjoy someone to hold hands with, talk about nerdy things with, go on dates with, travel the world with, I'd like to encourage, and enhance their life all the while being the authentic m

You sound like my twin 😁 Figuring out romance can be a struggle, but I'm glad I'm not the only one. 

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DarkStormyKnight

I'm so happy that you've put so much time and effort into working through your trauma and seeking help! You should be super happy with the progress you've made, even if you still have some questions.

I don't have any real advice, but sounds like you're putting thought into what you want and what you're feeling and there isn't a better way to go about it than that.

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I'm in the boat of not knowing if it is aromance or avoidance. I stumbled into one romantic relationship earlier in my life, but other than that I've never felt the pull. Now, not only do I not have romantic feelings, i actively don't want to be in a relationship, mostly for the reasons you outline.

 

The only course I can find to take is to just accept feelings as they come along. If I do find someone and develop feelings, I'm not going to try to repress them to fit a label, but I really don't expect that to be a problem. That isn't very productive advice, but I haven't found a better course in my thoughts.

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Chamomile_Serenity
On 9/14/2019 at 11:08 PM, t. Ro said:

@Chamomile_Serenity For me the trickiest part of labels is not being able to know exactly how other people feel.  I identified as allosexual for 10 years (and for 3 years after first hearing about asexuality) until I could no longer reconcile with the critical mass of evidence that I just don't feel the same way most other people do.  So now I'm wary of taking on labels since it is hard to say if the way I feel matches up with the other people who use that label.

 

I'm actually rather new to the ace community, only registered on AVEN in mid or late July so I wasn't aware of the conference when it was going on, unfortunately.  Would have been cool to go and meet people since I don't know any other aces irl, have only been chatting online.

Yes, I totally get you. Though I wasn't aware of the term asexual it had been hinted at me on several occasions that I fit the bill. When I first came to Aven I just said I was grey-A because I was still questioning and trying to reconcile a whole adult life of living in heteronormativity (even as I felt out of place in it). Denial is addictive when you're trying to be "normal".  I see you're in NYC there's a consistent Meetup group and Facebook group for Aces. I met a few of the organizers at the conference and I in all my awkward glory was somehow able to have a not quite as awkward conversation with them (ok I was still somewhat awkward but nobody called me out on it). I'm in both groups. I can DM you the info just let me know.

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Chamomile_Serenity
On 9/16/2019 at 12:46 AM, NicoleHolmes said:

You sound like my twin 😁 Figuring out romance can be a struggle, but I'm glad I'm not the only one. 

Then hey there sister!

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Chamomile_Serenity
8 hours ago, DarkStormyKnight said:

I'm so happy that you've put so much time and effort into working through your trauma and seeking help! You should be super happy with the progress you've made, even if you still have some questions.

I don't have any real advice, but sounds like you're putting thought into what you want and what you're feeling and there isn't a better way to go about it than that.

Thank you for "seeing" me. That's often better than advice in my book 🙂

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Chamomile_Serenity
8 hours ago, Zagadka said:

just accept feelings as they come along. If I do find someone and develop feelings, I'm not going to try to repress them to fit a label

This is beautiful! Otherwise I do believe it would indeed be love avoidance and I most certainly do not want to intentionally do that. Framing it this way actually helped me a lot. Thanks!

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1 hour ago, Chamomile_Serenity said:

I can DM you the info just let me know.

Sure that would be great.  I'm a bit hesitant to meet up with people I don't know cause anxiety but maybe I'll give it a shot.

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