Confused about if I want it to be QPR or not

[Lucas Monteiro]

Hey everybody, how are you? It has been a long time since I post something here, but I'm always reading ang looking at posts here on AVEN, after all it's the place that made me realize that I'm asexual and who helped me till today, seeing that I'm not alone in the world feeling like that.

Well, going to the post itself, it will make 2 years that I met a woman that I simply cannot describe how much I like her, and I'm really confused if I want to be QPR with her or have a romantic relationship with her, it's hard sometimes to separate the lines between QPR and romantic relationship, but I know that some people here on AVEN know better about it.

It's even hard for me to write about it, describing itself this love for her, she is basically the first woman till today that made me feel that way, just by looking at one photo of her, I already start smilling. 

We still didn't met in "real life" cause well she lives thousands of kilometers away from me, but next year we are going to meet. We basically already know about almost everything on each one lifes, for months we talked every day and still today we talk a lot when it's possible.

She said sometimes tha that she could get sexual feelings for me when meeting, and that she loves me in the sense of being a friend, but at least for now it wouldn't be better for us to get past that, and it's better to wait till we meet to see if those kind of feelings can emerge. And I agree with her.

But what it gets beyond me and confuses me very much is if I want a QPR relationship with her or romantic relationship, cause I never before did felt that way so is hard for me to describe it and get the perspective to what would be better in terms of relationship with her.

I want her to be in my life, talk hours while looking at the stars and just hang out with her. I want to make her smile and have a great time.

But well, those things aren't really specifically romantic, they can be about a friendship as well, so for me this perspective in terms of differences between QPR and romantic relationship is getting hard to grasp it. Even if the concepts are there in my face, logic doesn't seem to be applying here. 

So what you guys/girls think about that? QPR relationship enters in this feeling or it goes beyond in the sense of getting inside the box of romantic relationship (Not that romantic relationship is something more greater than QPR, I'm not saying that, just to note it).

 

PS: I did saw only right now, I posted on the wrong part of the forum, if some admin could move it, please. Sorry about that hehe.

[DragonSpirit]

I'd like to know, too. The line's a bit blurred.

[Guest]

QPR is you literally just want to be friends and don't feel anything more than friends (like you feel for any other friend) but you live together in a partnership for companionship reasons (and sometimes convenience reasons as well, like finances etc)

 

Romance is when you feel *differently* about them then anyone else. They can light up your day and make you grin foolishly for no reason. Regardless of the *actions* you take (living together or whatever) it's still technically romance (because it's 'more than friends') if those feelings are present.

[BeakLove]

10 hours ago, Lucas Monteiro said:

Well, going to the post itself, it will make 2 years that I met a woman that I simply cannot describe how much I like her, and I'm really confused if I want to be QPR with her or have a romantic relationship with her, it's hard sometimes to separate the lines between QPR and romantic relationship, but I know that some people here on AVEN know better about it.

It's even hard for me to write about it, describing itself this love for her, she is basically the first woman till today that made me feel that way, just by looking at one photo of her, I already start smilling. 

We still didn't met in "real life" cause well she lives thousands of kilometers away from me, but next year we are going to meet. We basically already know about almost everything on each one lifes, for months we talked every day and still today we talk a lot when it's possible.

Hi Lucas. I think the first thing I would say is make sure that you don't forget to simply enjoy visiting your friend, even while figuring all of this out. There is something quite wonderful about meeting someone "in the flesh" for the first time. I hope you have a lot of fun!

 

To me, the description of your feelings towards her does sound very romantic. You are positively swooning over this person; unable to even find words. However, she has clarified quite explicitly that for now she wants this to stay firmly in the domain of friendship:

 

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She said sometimes tha that she could get sexual feelings for me when meeting, and that she loves me in the sense of being a friend, but at least for now it wouldn't be better for us to get past that, and it's better to wait till we meet to see if those kind of feelings can emerge. And I agree with her.

You say you agree, but it's very important to keep in mind while working through your own feelings that she is clearly not at the point where romantic feelings are present and is waiting to see if that sexual spark is there. You describe yourself as an "indifferent asexual", but do you feel any kind of physical spark towards her? Even if not specifically sexual, do you feel physically attracted to her, say?

 

It may well be the case that the sexual feelings, and the accompanying romantic ones do not emerge on her part. 
 

Quote

But what it gets beyond me and confuses me very much is if I want a QPR relationship with her or romantic relationship, cause I never before did felt that way so is hard for me to describe it and get the perspective to what would be better in terms of relationship with her.

I want her to be in my life, talk hours while looking at the stars and just hang out with her. I want to make her smile and have a great time.

But well, those things aren't really specifically romantic, they can be about a friendship as well, so for me this perspective in terms of differences between QPR and romantic relationship is getting hard to grasp it. Even if the concepts are there in my face, logic doesn't seem to be applying here. 

So what you guys/girls think about that? QPR relationship enters in this feeling or it goes beyond in the sense of getting inside the box of romantic relationship (Not that romantic relationship is something more greater than QPR, I'm not saying that, just to note it).

 

You can feel close to a friend and even live with them as a roommate, without there needing to be any additional feelings attached. Do you want "more" than that? What does your ideal relationship look like with this person?

 

10 hours ago, Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?) said:

QPR is you literally just want to be friends and don't feel anything more than friends (like you feel for any other friend) but you live together in a partnership for companionship reasons (and sometimes convenience reasons as well, like finances etc)

Isn't QPR just roommates, then? 

[Lucas Monteiro]

2 hours ago, BeakLove said:

You say you agree, but it's very important to keep in mind while working through your own feelings that she is clearly not at the point where romantic feelings are present and is waiting to see if that sexual spark is there. You describe yourself as an "indifferent asexual", but do you feel any kind of physical spark towards her? Even if not specifically sexual, do you feel physically attracted to her, say?

I do feel at least to some extent a physical attraction to her, I really find her beautiful. 

 

2 hours ago, BeakLove said:

It may well be the case that the sexual feelings, and the accompanying romantic ones do not emerge on her part. 
 

You can feel close to a friend and even live with them as a roommate, without there needing to be any additional feelings attached. Do you want "more" than that? What does your ideal relationship look like with this person?

I know that it may happen that she wouldn't feel the same towards me so at least for right now it wouldn't be good to try to figure out that but it's just that as I never had that feeling before, it got me confused to try to understand it.

 

I really don't have yet a concept for my ideal relationship with her, but I know that I want to be close with her and always be there when she needs me. Wanting more and getting to the romantic part, I could like that as well. But I think that just being part of her life for me, that already makes me happy.

[BeakLove]

53 minutes ago, Lucas Monteiro said:

I do feel at least to some extent a physical attraction to her, I really find her beautiful. 

That's normally a good indicator that the feelings are shifting beyond a simple friendship.

 

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I know that it may happen that she wouldn't feel the same towards me so at least for right now it wouldn't be good to try to figure out that but it's just that as I never had that feeling before, it got me confused to try to understand it.

 

Becoming enamoured with someone is quite an odd experience. It's definitely not simple to explain.

 

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I really don't have yet a concept for my ideal relationship with her, but I know that I want to be close with her and always be there when she needs me. Wanting more and getting to the romantic part, I could like that as well. But I think that just being part of her life for me, that already makes me happy.

I think this is a good attitude to have. Just see how it goes, it'll become obvious in time whether there are romantic prospects there.

[Skycaptain]

20 hours ago, Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?) said:

QPR is you literally just want to be friends and don't feel anything more than friends (like you feel for any other friend) but you live together in a partnership for companionship reasons (and sometimes convenience reasons as well, like finances etc)

 

Romance is when you feel *differently* about them then anyone else. They can light up your day and make you grin foolishly for no reason. Regardless of the *actions* you take (living together or whatever) it's still technically romance (because it's 'more than friends') if those feelings are present.

@Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?), many thanks for this post. You've just explained what I've been questioning for the last few months. Mega 🎂 🎂 

 

FWIW someone does light up my day, and I've never experienced this before 

[Guest]

9 hours ago, BeakLove said:

Isn't QPR just roommates, then? 

No, it mimics a romantic  relationship in many ways without the romantic  feelings or the sexual intimacy. You still might cuddle in the same bed, might snuggle while watching movies etc (you don't have to do that stuff, but some enjoy closeness like they do with a cat or whatever? I don't need closeness personally but some people find comfort in it in a platonic way). You're sharing your life (like with a best friend) but WITHOUT romantic  feelings or romantic  desire. Like kind of how two sisters who live together might feel I guess? They can still be close, just not in a sexual way or a way that involves romantic feelings. You feel no differently for each other than you feel for other friends, it's just you made a commitment to live together and share responsibility for convenience and companionship (that's why it works well for aromantics who still get lonely)

 

A roommate is just someone you live with, not someone you share your actual life with, nor snuggles etc. Though I guess you could call your QPR your roommate when trying to explain it to others?

 

A romantic partner is like a QPR (if you live together) but the difference is there are feelings involved that make you giddy and happy etc (especially at the beginning).. You feel very differently than you feel for other people, even for your best friend. You actually *crave* being near them and it feels emotionally rewarding to be around them, like a nice, sweet ache or something. It's a whole new set of emotions. For a sexual person, sexual feelings are also involved.  (Edit: a romantic partner can still be a best friend, just to clarify. It's just that there are other emotions involved too!)

 

[Guest]

6 minutes ago, SkyenAutowegCaptain said:

@Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?), many thanks for this post. You've just explained what I've been questioning for the last few months. Mega 🎂 🎂 

Haha, we commented at the same time  Glad to be some help. Maybe my most recent post will clear things up further? I was involved in a discussion about this topic for like 4 solid months a few years ago, and hearing from people with actual QPRs vs people with romantic relationships gave me a lot of insight into the subject!!!

[Skycaptain]

@Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?), I come at this from point zero. I'm experiencing feelings for someone (who also identifies as asexual) which I've never felt before. "light up my day" is exactly how I feel about them, hence I'm taking the "softly-softly" approach, we talk to each other at meetups, etc because I don't want to scare off. I'm 47, they're close enough to that that it isn't an issue, it may be the only chance I get to find someone to share life with. At the moment we're travelling companions but I'd like to take the next step "however I'm also too freakin scared ask to take that step "

[Galactic Turtle]

Rather than specific relationship names I think it needs to be determined:

 

1. Do you want to be with her?

2. Does she want to be with you?

3. Do you want the same things from a mutually agreed upon partnership? 

 

Honestly I've seen people who call their relationship a QPR range from roommates to being indistinguishable from your typical married couple, sex and all, so I find the terminology vague at best.

[BeakLove]

18 hours ago, Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?) said:

No, it mimics a romantic  relationship in many ways without the romantic  feelings or the sexual intimacy. You still might cuddle in the same bed, might snuggle while watching movies etc (you don't have to do that stuff, but some enjoy closeness like they do with a cat or whatever? I don't need closeness personally but some people find comfort in it in a platonic way). You're sharing your life (like with a best friend) but WITHOUT romantic  feelings or romantic  desire. Like kind of how two sisters who live together might feel I guess? They can still be close, just not in a sexual way or a way that involves romantic feelings. You feel no differently for each other than you feel for other friends, it's just you made a commitment to live together and share responsibility for convenience and companionship (that's why it works well for aromantics who still get lonely)

But sisters probably wouldn't say they're in a "QPR", nor any kind of partnership, just that they live together as housemates for reasons of convenience and companionship. QPR in this definition just sounds like friends (with no particularly special feelings towards one another) who live together. 

[Guest]

4 hours ago, BeakLove said:

But sisters probably wouldn't say they're in a "QPR",

Obviously. Lol. I was trying explain what it FEELS like in that you can still cuddle that person and be very close to them without it being romantic or sexual.

 

4 hours ago, BeakLove said:

QPR in this definition just sounds like friends (with no particularly special feelings towards one another) who live together. 

Well in essence, that's what it is? If you're 'more than friends' (when it comes to the feelings you have for each other) then it's romantic regardless of whether or not you live together. QPR is making a life commitment (or whatever) to a FRIEND, and not a lover.