Is our only solution to break up?

[WipWoaMM]

First post since I finally made an account after a month of reading

 

Any help or advice is appreciated! 

 

Alright I’ve been dating a guy for just over two months. I told him before we became official that I am asexual. I now see that the conversation needed to be deeper as we didn’t address many things. That being said, I’d only known for about two months and I was (and still am) in the process of figuring myself out.

 

I am an asexual heterotomantic female. Sex has never appealed to me but i don’t find it disgusting, wrong, or sinful. It has though been making me feel pretty alienated for the past few months. I am very asexual, non-libidoist in fact.  However, when i entered this relationship it was with the mindset that I’d be okay with trying things out. Anything that was purely for his enjoyment was alright but i still didn't have an urge to be touched myself. 

 

Then came the morning where we attempted actual intercourse so I could lose my virginity. It was uncomfortable to say the least. I didn’t fully realize at the time but I’ve never been aroused by anything or anyone in my whole life. My boyfriend of course took it personally that I wasn’t even remotely turned on, even though we had moved pretty fast and he didn’t really do anything that would possibly turn me on. Sigh. I did some research and at the time couldn’t find a reason why my body doesn’t work like everyone else’s. We didn’t try again though he believed this awkward situation was from us thinking too hard and my lack of experience. That was a month ago.

 

 Now i understand that I likely won’t ever get aroused. I’ve figured out that being both asexual and non-libidoist is a thing and it’s valid. I’ve also figured out that even though I started off with the mindset that I’d be willing to try, it’s not something I want with him or anyone else ever. Since we’ve never brought it up again it’s at times just the elephant in the room. Now in the last week he’s been sending me “signals” and making vaguely suggestive comments that make me anxious and nervous. 

 

I was going to suggest that we try again but also explain that we needed to discuss My asexuality again beforehand. Due to my poor explanation he still doesn't know or understand a lot of what he needs to. And because of this he thinks it’s something we can get past once i lose my virginity. Yes. Clearly we need to discuss but each time i just freeze. I’ve been trying to bring it up with him for almost 3 weeks now and it’s driving me insane. 

 

I finally hinted at it today but then couldn’t say anything else so I just told him we’d talk tonight. I think he guessed what I was trying to bring up but idk. The thing is I get that he’s been patient and it’s likely getting kind of frustrating for him. It just makes me think that maybe instead of forcing myself into a commitment of sex that I don’t want to be in, I should let him go. I can barely imagine myself getting through one time without resentment, discomfort, or boredom and how would that be enjoyable for him anyways?  Committing to what would probably be about twice a week sounds awful 😕 for the both of us. 

 

And after hours of thinking and being honest with myself, I do believe I woukd be okay with him sleeping outside of the relationship. He says, and believe it based on his personality and track record, that sex isn’t necessarily emotional for him. Part of me is just concerned with how that will work in the long run, if people will find out and not understand, blah blah blah. I’m just very stuck and don’t know what my path should be. 

 

I’ve liked only two people in my adult life and Im very lucky to have found this guy who’s well matched to me and even more fun to date than I first imagined. We’ve been coworkers and friends (on and off) for two years prior to dating and I’m still learning more about him. Everything else about us is great but this issue is already starting to ever so slightly leak into other areas. He doesn’t like me being so close to him all the time lately and I just feel constantly guilty and less like myself. I think if we break up it’s going to be years before I even consider dating again because I won’t find anyone that’s fits so well and I’ll be avoiding sex as well.

 

Life is sad ☹️ What should I do?

[uhtred]

Its important to separate not enjoying a specific instance of sex from not enjoying sexual activity in general.   If you in general do not enjoy sexual activity, do not feel sexual desire, then you are asexual.   If there are just specific instances of not enjoying sex, there may be ways around that.

 

Form what you are saying though you do not enjoy sex in general and are unlikely to.  That is not something that can (or should be) fixed. Unfortunately for most sexual people, sex is a vital part of a romantic loving relationship. It is not something they can do without, even if they somehow feel that they should. 

 

Mixed sexual / asexual relationships are very difficult,  (just like a relationship where someone's sexual orientation doesn't match)  and often they end up with one person or the other (or sometimes both) being deeply miserable. They occasionally work, but rarely.  I would not recommend continuing the relationship.  No fault / blame, just a very basic incompatibility 

[gisiebob]

it sounds like what  you need to do  is get out of your own head. putting these tangled mess of a yarnball thoughts on the kitchen table for other people to see is hard, but you need to give yourself the workspace to unravel them, and in the end it is rewarding to work as a team. remember this is a two player game.

 

but,  yeah, actually getting it out there is hard. feels like a minefield. maybe the best thing to do is to start talking about how this is hard to talk about. give yourselves an open ended timeslot of just being there and let the words come when they feel like it. acknowledge that the process is frustrating. human brains are kinda terrible at doing their job sometimes. treat it like a homework assignment, where you're brain is going to do anything it can to look the other way but you just got to sit down and ease into it.

take breaks

 

and I think it's healthy to have separation on the table, as an option. I'd really like to go to a restaurant one day and see "ascetic starvation" on the menu, you know?

maybe don't lead with that, as you guys could get all fixated, but don't be afraid to say it's name.

 

good luck

[Sinking_In]

WARNING: SEXUALLY EXPLICIT CONTENT (for those with sexual aversion)

 

I've been lurking here just a few days, and was going to post my own story, soon. I'm sexual (HL male), heteroromantic who is married to someone I've only just realized is, in all likelihood, gray-asexual (we've only just learned of this term, and have not yet gotten any professional help/ advice). Your BF is probably like me, nice and understanding, but does not likely fully grasp what asexuality is. In my case, I knew my wife "didn't value sex as much as I did", she told me so, which I took as simply having a low libido. I thought I could work with that, since she was in fact engaging in sex, seemingly enjoying the physical contact, and even achieving orgasms. For the sexual who does not know or understand asexuality, this can be a mixed signal. It was for me. Sexuals can take rejection/ lack of interest personally  (I sure did), which is going to lead to serious problems. You can read around on how you can try to make it work, and there are instances where some couples do, but make no mistake about it, it is a DIFFICULT path for BOTH of you, oftentimes strewn with arguments, resentment, distrust, and a lot of compromise few are truly happy with. That is definitely my experience. You sound young (forgive my presumptuousness), so I'd say back out of the BF/GF situation and work on being friends, first, and COMMUNICATE in such a way that you both have intimate understanding of one another.  Fair warning: anyone asexual considering using sex as a means to keep a sexual engaged in a relationship will in all likelihood spell disaster for both of you, especially if there is not a clear understanding. Don't let a fear of being alone lead you down that path. You'll both likely be more miserable doing that than you would be just being alone and looking for someone more compatible.

That's my 2 cents, for what it's worth.

[Sally]

I agree with former commenters.  It sounds like you two are dissimilar in what is a very important part of life (for a sexual): having sex.  He wants it; you don't want it.  Neither of you is going to be able to change what you intrinsically want.  Your feelings are just as important as his; from what you say, it would be almost impossible for you to be able to tolerate having regular sex, and it's  likely he wouldn't be able to tolerate NOT having regular sex.  So having a very frank discussion, with separation (and possibly maintaining a friendship) part of that discussion.