YOU'RE LETTIN' DOWN, SON!

[GlamRocker]

I generally feel really good about being an asexual, I like my life and who I am. I wouldn't want to be any other way, how would I even learn to as old as I am? lol

 

But since I've been a little more open about my identity recently, I noticed a feeling I think I've been carrying around with me my whole life. Admitting to asexuality makes me feel like I'm letting the people around me down. I become a bit of "the enemy" if they know the truth about me. Because they experience things like sexual frustration, others judging their sex lives, the desire to be wanted, the afterglow of sexual experience, sexual crushes, all kinds of things related to sexuality that I don't actually have or feel.

 

I want to keep pretending I feel all of these things, too, so that they don't feel like I'm this heartless thing. It really does make me feel like I AM some heartless thing, and I need to hide it so I can continue to relate to others (sexual people) at the same warm, easy going way I do now... even though that relating is done somewhat dishonestly. I don't like being ever so slightly dishonest all the time. But, on the other hand, revealing myself as this cold let down is so much worse. I don't want others to feel differently about me, even if I have to fake being more like they are.

 

If they want my admiration, for example, I don't think they'll be much comforted from me explaining what aesthetic and romantic attraction is, and how powerful it feels to me, when what they really want is for me to think they're SUPER HOT. I always speak in "regular terms" because of this. I always say, "Girl, you look HOT," or, "She's a stone cold fox," "Sexy," is a word I use interchangeably with "good," even. I guess I put a lot of effort into making others feel good and this is part of it.

 

I swear I totally understand what "sexy," is, anyway. I feel like I have my own sense of what is sexy, and that I'm attracted to it! But the trouble comes when I try to work out how "sexy" relates to me, as my admiration of this only results in, MOST INTENSE CASE SCENARIO: the desire to share sweet kisses, cuddles and hand holding. That XXX rated shit lol

 

Yeah, feeling like if people really knew what I was like they would feel let down.

NOT A FAN

[Guest]

They'd be wrong because being asexual doesn't mean you don't have any struggles. We all just have to make the best of the cards we're dealt. Being asexual in itself is a struggle because it can make you feel a bit like an alien, and there are a fair amount of people out there who have really negative attitudes toward us. You're even talking in your post about the pain it has caused you to have to hide this from others.

[iam135]

I mean, everyone has different struggles because everyone has different traits. People with straight hair can't relate to my struggles to try (and fail) to maintain my obnoxiously curly hair. And someone who always had a healthy body weight couldn't relate to my struggles with being overweight, just as I couldn't relate well to someone who's underweight. But I don't feel like they've let me down in any way just because they're not exactly like me, and I certainly don't consider them an "enemy" - that would be more than a little silly. And those differences don't stop me from relating to them on other fronts, like common hobbies or interests.

 

So I don't really see why sexuality would be much different, frankly. It's not like you have to go screaming that you're asexual from the rooftops and start explaining it to every person you meet - that would be a little off-putting. But there's no need to pretend like you're a highly sexual person either. I doubt anyone would really see you as a terrible person for not constantly talking about sex or anything. And there are probably other things that you have in common with others, so just focus on those things instead.

[GlamRocker]

@iam135

 

It's NOT silly. Like, not AT ALL.

 

Sexuality is INCREDIBLY important to people. Just the fact that people try so hard to downplay how important it is tells you that it's HELLA IMPORTANT.

 

And no one's screaming ANYTHING from the roof-tops over here. I'm closeted except to my husband, but just thinking about what it would be like if all the people around me knew of what I'm really like, how weirdly this might affect how they feel about me and our relationship, especially considering I've made an effort to come across as a sexual person. I didn't really take note of this until recently. I take nothing seriously, I often don't even realize my own struggles. But it's true that I've made this effort in order to put everyone around me at ease.

 

As for weight, it's also KINDA A BIG DEAL in our society, that legit DOES happen. To the point that some skinny people hate on heavy people (people have done this right in front of me because I'm thin so they think I'm "their friend" on this) because they're ignorant fucks and heavy people feel weird around thin people because they KNOW they don't understand, and they feel judged and devalued... basically EXACTLY how I feel like sexual people will feel about my presence if they knew I had NONE of the feelings they deal with in that area.

 

Yes, I think that if the people around me knew what I was really like it would make them feel less safe around me, as they constantly express sexual thoughts/feelings, totally comfortable and confident that I'm cool with them and I understand. It would feel like the rug was ripped out from under them, even though nothing between us is actually different. They wouldn't be able to help thinking of me like some alien creature at that point, probably mystified at how I could have kept up the conversation, etc, like I did this whole time if I had NO IDEA what I was talking about. lol...

 

The truth is, I really DON'T quite know what I'm talking about. The way it all works is that I just care about them and accept their feelings, so whatever they say is just like, "Yeah, I'm WITH YOU MAN!" Even though I have almost zero shared experience. Another way I do this is that I "stretch" and relate what I really DO feel with what they feel. Meaning I connect my romantic/aesthetic attraction to their sexual attraction so that SOME of it relates in a genuine way. However, there is a PRETTY BIG and SIGNIFICANT cut-off there, which I'm SURE they would find INCREDIBLY IMPORTANT. As sexuals are NOT satisfied in life/relationships with only affection to go on. This is absurd to them.

[Snao Cone]

I get where you're coming from. I saw a couple old friends earlier this week whom I haven't really talked to much lately. One is married with a kid and just started a very challenging job. The other one moved away, lives with a long term partner, and has a lot of health/stress struggles going on right now. I feel like if I described my own problems and life they would think I was belittling what they're going through in their challenges with family and shared lives, because all I have is a dog (who is driving me insane, but it's not socially acceptable to claim that's difficult to manage in life - much like how we're led to believe it's not acceptable to claim asexuality causes us problems in comparison to sexual people's sex lives).

 

But there will also be times where you can bring it up and relate to people more than the majority around them. With one of these friends, I came out to her as asexual a few years ago. It wasn't the best experience in coming out to someone (for reasons I won't get into) but she at least found a way to relate to me and it made her more comfortable talking about how having a kid, stress from work, and her health had made her not want sex in a long time and she didn't want it to cause any issues within her marriage. We framed a discussion around common ground and how we could help each other, instead of making it about what was different between us.

[iam135]

@GlamRocker

 

I think I phrased my previous post poorly and it came off as more flippant than I intended. For that, I'm really sorry. I'd try to clarify or give some other advice, but I'd probably just screw it up again somehow 😅. So I'll just say good luck, I suppose.