Is my husband asexual?

[Answers needed]

My husband and I have been married for 4 yrs now. In the initial months of marriage, we would have sex every night, however, that stopped and now for the past three and half years, we have not had sex. I have tried talking to him about it and tried initiating as well. He doesn't seem interested.

 

In these 4 yrs, I have even caught him flirting with other girls, but, he says that it means nothing and that he loves me.

 

We cuddle, hold hands, hug and he even kisses my cheeks but never on my lips. If I ever kiss him on his lips, he doesn't kiss me back. I have asked him to come to counseling but he says that there is nothing wrong in our relationship. I just want to know what changed. If its something about me, then i am willing to change.

 

Please let me know if these are the characteristics of an asexual person. I am trying to understand him so that I can work towards salvaging the marriage. I am just falling apart without any answers. 

 

 

[AceMissBehaving]

It's possible, but hard to say without input from him unfortunately. It's not terribly unusual for ace folks to have some amount of sex at the very beginning of a relationship during the limerence phase, and could explain why he doesn't think there is anything wrong with the way the relationship is currently.

 

Have you tried talking to him about the possibility of him being ace?

[Winged Whisperer]

Before someone else comes in and gives an answer, I should note that no one can tell if someone else is asexual except the person in question themselves.

 

Judging by what you've described there's a small chance he's asexual, but then again an asexual probably doesn't have sex every night, as in we can't handle it mentally. Personally, even in my most "high energy" days of my relationship having sex two nights in a row felt like coercion and torture.

 

From what I can tell he doesn't seem sexually interested, and you can be be sexually disinterested without being asexual, which is only one rare cause of being sexually disinterested. Asexual is like being bisexual, except your sexual targets are no one. So if you're straight, think about how you feel towards women, now imagine that you felt the same towards men (and everyone else) and that's how it is to be asexual.

[LeChat]

Hi. What makes your question difficult for me to answer is that--according to sex therapists who've counselled married couples with differing sexual desires--it's possible for a person who isn't asexual to lose interest in having sex with a married partner, whether due to life stress from a job, or interest in someone else, etc.

 

So, it's not an automatic indication that a person is asexual. Like others mentioned, only your husband would be able to explain his reasons and feelings and clear this up for you.

 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/dating-and-mating/201605/do-married-people-really-have-less-sex

 

For example, I'm not even able to know whether or not my parents are asexual, despite several decades of not having a sexual relationship after my sibling and I were born, or whether their years of unhappiness and arguing might've been due to varying sexual desires/differences between them (because I don't know their feelings or whether or not they still experienced sexual desire, but decided to try to repress it).

[Gifted With Singleness]

I really hate to be the bearer of bad news, but it looks to me like he's having an affair.

 

56 minutes ago, Answers needed said:

In these 4 yrs, I have even caught him flirting with other girls, but, he says that it means nothing and that he loves me.

Asexual people aren't sexually attracted to anyone. Why is he flirting with other girls if he's not attracted to them? That's a big red flag.

 

Granted, asexual people are often oblivious to things like flirting, so it's possible that he's asexual and just being overly friendly with people, not realizing that it comes across as flirting.

 

However, you also said this:

 

1 hour ago, Answers needed said:

In the initial months of marriage, we would have sex every night, however, that stopped and now for the past three and half years, we have not had sex.

Going from daily sex for months on end to no sex for three and a half years is quite a drastic change. Something's going on that needs to be addressed.

 

I don't want to assume anything about your husband, since I don't know you or him. But I really think you should see a counselor about this.

[uhtred]

Was he enthusiastic about sex early on, or did he seem to do it just because it was expected.

 

Any medical issues, drugs (especially anti-depressants) or external sources of stress?

 

When you had sex were you generally compatible, or did you want very different things.

 

"Flirting" can mean very different things to different people - was it just friendly talk, or something overtly sexual with other women?

[SithLord]

It's impossible to tell since we don't know what he's feeling. It seems like maybe he's just lost interest, and that could be multiple reasons. I wouldn't jump to asexual unless he said something about lacking desire for sex with anyone. The flirting is a red flag, but it could be an ace red flag (he doesn't understand flirting much) or an affair red flag (he's interesed, just not in you). 

[Memento1]

I wouldn't try to diagnose him without his input, and the bigger issue is your communication issues.  I'd say couples counseling is needed if you're so out of sync he doesn't see how upset this is making you.  His response says a lot: there's nothing wrong with the relationship.  This is pretty much code for "there's nothing wrong with ME", which is a defensive reaction.  It also offers the solution: say the counseling is for YOU and his input will help.

[Philip027]

Quote

In these 4 yrs, I have even caught him flirting with other girls, but, he says that it means nothing and that he loves me.

Haha, yeah, that's not asexuality; he's just not that into you anymore.

 

Pretty sure this exact same thing applies for almost all of the "is my SO asexual, even though they blatantly cheat on me?" topics that get posted here.

[Answers needed]

On 9/11/2019 at 5:25 PM, AceMissBehaving said:

It's possible, but hard to say without input from him unfortunately. It's not terribly unusual for ace folks to have some amount of sex at the very beginning of a relationship during the limerence phase, and could explain why he doesn't think there is anything wrong with the way the relationship is currently.

 

Have you tried talking to him about the possibility of him being ace?

I did ask him but he says that he doesnt think that he is asexual. I have tried asking him if he is gay, or has some medical issues or is just not interested in me anymore. He just says that everything is normal and there is nothing wrong. Clearly between the two of us, I am the only one who sees and acknowledges that something is definitely wrong.

[Answers needed]

On 9/11/2019 at 6:20 PM, GiftedWithSingleness said:

I really hate to be the bearer of bad news, but it looks to me like he's having an affair.

 

Asexual people aren't sexually attracted to anyone. Why is he flirting with other girls if he's not attracted to them? That's a big red flag.

 

Granted, asexual people are often oblivious to things like flirting, so it's possible that he's asexual and just being overly friendly with people, not realizing that it comes across as flirting.

The flirting is more like asking the girls to come on cam and repeatedly pinging them though they dont respond. I am not sure if this behavior is just overly friendly or straight up flirting.

[Gifted With Singleness]

34 minutes ago, Answers needed said:

The flirting is more like asking the girls to come on cam and repeatedly pinging them though they dont respond. I am not sure if this behavior is just overly friendly or straight up flirting.

Let me get this straight. Are you telling me that your husband is messaging random girls on the internet, asking them to show their faces on a webcam? If so, that's extremely suspicious. Also, "repeatedly pinging them though they don't respond" sounds an awful lot like harassment.

 

What kind of messages are we talking about? Did he ask these girls to do anything in particular on camera? That's worth investigating.

[Winged Whisperer]

8 hours ago, Answers needed said:

He just says that everything is normal and there is nothing wrong.

As someone who has said that to their spouse a lot, I can tell you that's probably a lie or less likely they're being deliberately ignorant. Either push for change or push for truth.

[Ours]

‘Nothing is wrong’

regardless of what that issue is or isn’t ‘nothing wrong’ isn’t a kind answer. You are stressed/sad/concerned he should be concerned for your feelings. Think about talking to someone you trust and will listen. Be it a friend or counselor.

[Winged Whisperer]

On 9/16/2019 at 9:08 PM, Ours said:

regardless of what that issue is or isn’t ‘nothing wrong’ isn’t a kind answer. You are stressed/sad/concerned he should be concerned for your feelings. Think about talking to someone you trust and will listen.

This^^ so much. Again as an asexual in a relationship, I knew pretty early that something was wrong and while therapy didn't work out for us (because hey therapy doesn't fix asexuality), we at least acknowledged the problem and attempted to work through it. Being asexual doesn't mean you can't understand sexual dynamics, that's something that's socially taught and learned pretty well, and "people in relationships have sex" is a pretty big one that everyone knows regardless of sexual orientation.

[Memento1]

4 hours ago, Winged Whisperer said:

Again as an asexual in a relationship, I knew pretty early that something was wrong and while therapy didn't work out for us (because hey therapy doesn't fix asexuality), we at least acknowledged the problem and attempted to work through it.

I don't think the point of therapy is to keep the relationship together, it's that the parties involved don't move forward with unresolved baggage.

[Nidwin]

Nothing wrong?

 

Your husband is depriving a sexual women, you, from having sex for Years and your husband, considers this "normal", nothing to see.

What about your husband's libido and how does he take care of it?

[MrDane]

You have no rigth to get sex from him, but...

 

he is, in every way, obligated to ‘not keep you in the dark’ by witholding important information. As an adult, you need to know, what the situation is and then you can, as two adults, deal with it.

 

if he no longer wants sex or you, then it should be adressed. 

[SunnyD]

I'm in a very similar situation and would like to know if my husband is asexual also. We've been together for 8 years now, but have had absolutely no sex for over 2 1/2 years. The first year together it wasn't unusual to have sex several times a week (or even multiple times per day). I know that his ex-wife was spreading rumors that he was homosexual, which I'm positive is not the case, but if their relationship ended up in the same boat as we are now I can see why she thought that. Even when he was sexually active he would never orgasm and has only ever climaxed once during intercourse (resulting in his only daughter). He also never masturbates, although I know he used to when he would watch porn when we were first together. After we had seen a counselor for a few sessions (prior to this dry sexual period) they had us fill out a questionnaire about different subjects within the relationship. One of the questions was did you feel closer to your partner after being intimate, and he answered NO. I thought that this was unusual then, but it would make sense now if he's asexual. Whenever I ask him to talk to his doctor about his disappearing libido and possible hormone issues, he says there's nothing wrong. It's very degrading being in a loveless relationship. He doesn't even kiss me much, and not like he has any feelings for me. He doesn't even hold hands anymore, not even when I go to hold his. How do I even broach the subject? He gets very defensive whenever I try to discuss it. It's become the elephant in the room.

[Alawyn-Aebt]

It's important to realize there may be two different issues at hand here:

1 hour ago, SunnyD said:

It's very degrading being in a loveless relationship.

and this

1 hour ago, SunnyD said:

would like to know if my husband is asexual

Those can be two very different points. If he is asexual that does not mean the relationship should degrade into a loveless one, everyone can love in at least some form. On the other hand if he is not asexual then the lovelessness and the sexlessness could go hand-in-hand. I don't really have any advice but it is important to distinguish between those issues; whether or not he is asexual the lovelessness of the relationship is a problem.

[Ours]

We’ve been married for 20 years. When we got together Asexuality wasn’t even on our radar. I kept asking if he was gay and he assured me he wasn’t. 

The day after I learned about Asexuality I just straight up asked if he was asexual. He said he didn’t know but asking him helped and was also the scariest thing I ever did

 

[Nidwin]

13 hours ago, SunnyD said:

One of the questions was did you feel closer to your partner after being intimate, and he answered NO. I thought that this was unusual then, but it would make sense now if he's asexual.

I only had sex twice with my only ex but for me it was not feeling closer neither. I felt silly actually and there was some form of emptiness, void. So there was clearly something missing on my side not only during the sexual act but also afterwards. Also during the act itself, the physical part, was extremely demanding the second time. The first time my ex went top so that was ok, physically for me. But the second time, 3 weeks later she asked me to be the more physical active (we opted for doggy style) and that was not an enjoyable physical experience, far from.