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Graceless

9 years later

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Graceless

So - 9 years ago I found this place. I had a name for the lack of attraction I felt.
(and a huge 'crush' on a friend- that has sense been utterly crushed)

But now I'm 7 years into a relationship? I asked him to marry me- he said yes - sooooo he's ok with whatever I am-
but I don't know what the hell I am anymore?

Asexual was easy. I mean not EASY, but it was a lot less complicated a label then some alternative
I heard Demisexual thrown around (By tumblr well wishers) in tandem with questions of what 'community' that belongs in if any.
I was told I was just 'sexually ashamed' (semi valid argument who wants to admit to a assumed weakness?) but there is more to it then that

I like my husband....  Everyone else is... some non entity. All the stuff in between is just to complicated.

I'm at a point now where talk is cheap. I need some guidance even if it's "no go to THIS forum" instead. 

So Hi again I guess.
I'll be digging around for info.... I haven't read up on anything sense 'doesn't want to bone anyone' was my definition. So if anyone has some jumping off points that would be great XD
is cake still cool here? :cake:

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Galactic Turtle

So you're saying you are sexually interested in him or nah?

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Graceless

That's just it, I don't know anymore. I CAN have sex with him. A feat I never thought I could accomplish.
But I don't find any part of him 'sexy' - I see the qualities in him other girls might like - but none of those things 'do it' for me?

I do get something out of sex- I'm just not sure what it is? I throw some many excuses that aren't 'asexual' in front of those feelings?
I kinda DO wanna be intimate some times.... but not really? Like I want the closeness and that singular focus, but the act is so much less important then - some weird mental goal that I have yet to define. 

I'm here cause I guess I need to sort out what I feel- so I can express that to him. He's fine with how things are, but I keep thinking if I could express better the things about sex that make me.... happy/ok/better then he can feel better too?

maybe it's like the cake thing- 
I want to make the cake and eat it together.... I know he likes to eat cake, BUT if I can figure out that Decorating the cake is what makes me happy in that whole process- then I can tell him, and we can make the more extravagant cakes together and both know we are happy once the cake is gone?

thanks for the reply btw :)
 

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Lichley

Welcome! You might just be sex positive then. Asexuals can enjoy the act of sex even if they’re not sexually attracted to anyone.

csc_8469.jpg

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Graceless
5 minutes ago, Lichley said:

Welcome! You might just be sex positive then. Asexuals can enjoy the act of sex even if they’re not sexually attracted to anyone.

 

Is it really that simple? (If it is that's great I'm tried as hell)

I tried to look up sex positive - I mostly found, people being ok with others having sex?  "having or promoting an open, tolerant, or progressive attitude towards sex and sexuality." 

But I'll def look more into it~! :)

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Lichley
1 minute ago, Graceless said:

Is it really that simple? (If it is that's great I'm tried as hell)

I tried to look up sex positive - I mostly found, people being ok with others having sex?  "having or promoting an open, tolerant, or progressive attitude towards sex and sexuality." 

But I'll def look more into it~! :)

https://lgbta.wikia.org/wiki/Sex_Positive_(Asexual)

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SithGirl

AVEN has fun multiple meanings for things. So sex-positive is both the social/political movement about being pro-sex as a culture, as well as on AVEN being an asexual is cool with having sex (also called sex-favorable though that term has more debate surrounding it). Basically, it means you can enjoy sex while not innately desiring it with a partner (as in not being attracted to anyone). 

 

"Doesn't want to bang anyone," is a good indicator you're asexual though, so welcome back and I hope others help answers your questions! 

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Auld_Mulk

Hello and welcome back @Graceless

 

I have some possibly clarifying questions you might ask yourself.  First is the interest in having sex internal or external?  Do you want to enjoy the act for yourself enjoyment or because you want to make your husband happy? 

 

How do you view sex now?  Is it something that you actively think about before/outside of the actual moment?  Do you initiate with the intent to rip off all his clothes?  Could you?  Or perhaps you view sex as something almost clinical or systematic process (tab A goes in slot B, or following a cake recipe)?

 

I pose these questions because I have been in a similar heterosexual relationship.  In hindsight, I had the answers but only found the questions here at AVEN which gave me the context I needed.  I did not consider/know I was asexual until many years after that relationship ended

 

Oh, welcome back to confusion too. 

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Evren

You might also like the closeness of sex without really being interested in the act of sex itself. It's a very intimate and close act. 

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Graceless
12 hours ago, Auld_Mulk said:

Hello and welcome back @Graceless

 

I have some possibly clarifying questions you might ask yourself.  First is the interest in having sex internal or external?  Do you want to enjoy the act for yourself enjoyment or because you want to make your husband happy? 

 

How do you view sex now?  Is it something that you actively think about before/outside of the actual moment?  Do you initiate with the intent to rip off all his clothes?  Could you?  Or perhaps you view sex as something almost clinical or systematic process (tab A goes in slot B, or following a cake recipe)?

 

I pose these questions because I have been in a similar heterosexual relationship.  In hindsight, I had the answers but only found the questions here at AVEN which gave me the context I needed.  I did not consider/know I was asexual until many years after that relationship ended

 

Oh, welcome back to confusion too. 

Internal/External? Like mind vs body?
I would say it is mostly for him, but physically once we get going it's not the worse thing. I mean he drags me to sporting events and I mostly hate them, but once something happens and the crowd starts chanting I forget how awful everything else in and get really into that?  Mentally is where I'm stuck. I don't know what I like about it. I 100% DO like that it makes him feel happy and fulfilled, and I especially like that I can do that for him. That feeling of... pride isn't the right word but something like it.... isn't relegated to the physical. I love buying him that thing he really needs, or wants. I love encouraging his nerdy habits, I like being the one to make big gestures. I bought him one of those foot bath things- cause work was really killing his feet in new boots- seeing him relaxed sprawled out on the couch almost asleep with his feet in that bath really made me happy.

I don't know how I view it, I do think about sex, mostly in these contexts (questioning things). I think I've 'initiated' maybe like 5 times, sense we started dating. No clothes ripping lol, mostly- I saw/hear/read this thing that really worked for some other guy, and it didn't sound awful, so I want to try it? That's hella embarrassing, but yha. If I thought me being super aggressive would 'do it' for him I would try! I know I have moments now where- because things don't feel as 'intense' for me, I get to kinda watch him (OK that sounds creepy)  being 'awake' and aware while he is lost in what he's feeling has this kinda....power to it? But everything is WAY harder physically when I'm not doing mental gymnastics to stay 'in it'. Double edged sword. As far as Clinical, when I'm not feeling so.... magnanimous I do know the quickest way to get it over with- unless he is having an off day too. That tends to be where we get in trouble. 

These are good questions! And thank you, I'll come back to them as I figure out more for sure. Again I feel I need to really sort out how I feel and what happens before/during/after, cause I want to be able to talk to him. I want to be able to say 'THIS is what I like, we should do THIS more' or at least 'I think I'd want to do and engage more if we had more of THIS'
   
 

12 hours ago, SithGirl said:

AVEN has fun multiple meanings for things. So sex-positive is both the social/political movement about being pro-sex as a culture, as well as on AVEN being an asexual is cool with having sex (also called sex-favorable though that term has more debate surrounding it). Basically, it means you can enjoy sex while not innately desiring it with a partner (as in not being attracted to anyone). 

 

"Doesn't want to bang anyone," is a good indicator you're asexual though, so welcome back and I hope others help answers your questions! 

I think that is where I'm having trouble searching- don't get me wrong, I for sure am 'sex-positive' as in the political movement, but finding it in relation to asexual sex is harder XD Google failed me last night

And thank you for taking the time to write, it's nice to know at least part of me belongs here XD
 

12 hours ago, Evren said:

You might also like the closeness of sex without really being interested in the act of sex itself. It's a very intimate and close act. 

I've read that some places, like the intimacy but not the feeling? I honestly think that is where I might start when I talk with him. 

And Thank you for the reply!

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SithGirl
55 minutes ago, Graceless said:

I think that is where I'm having trouble searching- don't get me wrong, I for sure am 'sex-positive' as in the political movement, but finding it in relation to asexual sex is harder XD Google failed me last night

And thank you for taking the time to write, it's nice to know at least part of me belongs here XD

We sometimes use sex-favorable, sex-indifferent and sex-averse (or sex-repulsed) for ace terms, if you want to use those instead. But yeah, Google doesn't always help when you're looking for a niche community's terms for things (not sure how wide-spread the terms are even for Tumblr and Reddit. 

 

And we're a community that doesn't kick people out unless they're assholes and break the rules, we have plenty of allies on AVEN who do their best to make sure everyone knows they're welcome. 

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Homer

Moved to Questions About Asexuality

Homer

Moderator

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Philip027

Gray/demi sounds closest to fitting you, to me anyway.  I think you have some valid reasons for not feeling like you could comfortably fit in either the asexual or "typical" sexual crowds (by "typical" I mainly mean the people who are capable of experiencing primary sexual attraction, which it seems like you are not) and the gray umbrella was made for capturing experiences like yours.

 

I think loads of people, asexual and sexual alike, can relate to desiring to make their partners happy (even if, for asexuals, that includes sex).  The deciding factor is whether or not you get enough personally out of the act to the point you start desiring it for your own sake (independently of your partner's happiness), and it seems to me based on your posts that you do, at least somewhat.

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Graceless
16 minutes ago, Philip027 said:

I think loads of people, asexual and sexual alike, can relate to desiring to make their partners happy (even if, for asexuals, that includes sex).  The deciding factor is whether or not you get enough personally out of the act to the point you start desiring it for your own sake (independently of your partner's happiness), and it seems to me based on your posts that you do, at least somewhat.

If that is the defining thing, then I think I just need to pay attention the next time I 'want to' and try and sift through why. (that could be a while)

I know everything is on a spectrum- but this seem like WORDS are so important. The process of figuring out what you feel is hard, but also you have to find how to articulate it -seems like a minefield here.

I've look at Demi definitions before, but the 'attraction' part is what gets me. Again, Hubby the human doesn't 'do it' for me. But he is the only human I'd deal with in a sexual space willingly. I started our first date with 'i'm asexual and a huge nerd- you don't have to pay for dinner' and he seemed ok with that. As we progressed in out relationship, I wanted hugs and cuddles (I didn't and still don't like kisses) but more then that was tough. It was easier when I tried to see thing through his eyes, and everything after this is TMI I don't want to get into just now.

Maybe no label perfectly fits me (already given up there)- and that's OK- Just nice to have a search term- I'm more interested in finding a way to help my current situation- and make sense of what I feel.
 

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MichaelTannock

Welcome back to AVEN!

 

You could be a Heteroromantic Asexual.
Asexuality is a lack of Sexual Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have sex with someone (This is different from arousal, which doesn't always lead to desiring sex).

Meaning an Asexual could have sex, and even enjoy it, but won't feel that pull to have sex with someone.

But there are other types of attraction besides Sexual Attraction.

There's Romantic Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have a romantic relationship (I still don't know what that is, I'm Aromantic).

There's Sensual Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have intimate non-sexual physical contact with someone, like cuddling.

There's Aesthetic Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to appreciate someone's aesthetic beauty (you can't take your eyes off them).

There's Platonic Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have a close friendship with someone.

And more.

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, and here's a "Cross Stitch" cake (all edible),

https://www.satinice.com/artists/ana-elisa-salinas

Ana-Elisa-Salinas-Birthday-Baby-2.JPG?mt

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Philip027
Quote

I've look at Demi definitions before, but the 'attraction' part is what gets me. Again, Hubby the human doesn't 'do it' for me. But he is the only human I'd deal with in a sexual space willingly.

I wouldn't try to dissect the term that much.  Attraction, much like love and other similar emotions, takes different forms depending on the person.  (This is why I think defining sexual orientations solely based on attraction isn't ideal, but that's a whole other topic...)

 

If you are drawn toward someone else in some way, that's attraction.  It's literally what attraction means, to be drawn toward something.

If it entails you desiring sexual activity with them in some way, that's sexual attraction.  Note that this means actually desiring it, not simply just being able to enjoy it -- asexuals can still potentially enjoy sex when it happens, they just aren't compelled to seek it out for their own sake.

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Auld_Mulk

@Graceless I want to first say I am happy for the joy you are feeling in this relationship and I hope you and your husband continue this way. 

 

Internal/External referred to you wanting sex for yourself vs. wanting sex to please a partner.  Your answers mostly line up with my approach to sex.  I wanted to please my partner over myself enjoyment.  I have a couple more 'litmus test' type questions that you might want to investigate. 

 

First, what happens when your husband wants to please you without receiving gratification for himself?  Would that be pleasurable/desirable to you? 

 

Second, has stress (extreme stress; death in the family, moving house, etc.) interfered with you taking pleasure or even wanting to participate?   You mentioned struggling when you/he/both are feeling off.  Does that turn you off personally? 

 

Also you might want to talk with @Grimalkin as she is asexual in a mixed heterosexual relationship too.  Ask her how she views sex as an asexual. 

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Grimalkin

I have been summoned. And I am here to help! If you have any questions about a mixed sexual relationship, let me know. 

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Graceless
17 hours ago, MichaelTannock said:

You could be a Heteroromantic Asexual.
Asexuality is a lack of Sexual Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have sex with someone (This is different from arousal, which doesn't always lead to desiring sex).

Meaning an Asexual could have sex, and even enjoy it, but won't feel that pull to have sex with someone.

But there are other types of attraction besides Sexual Attraction.

There's Romantic Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have a romantic relationship (I still don't know what that is, I'm Aromantic).

There's Sensual Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have intimate non-sexual physical contact with someone, like cuddling.

There's Aesthetic Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to appreciate someone's aesthetic beauty (you can't take your eyes off them).

There's Platonic Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have a close friendship with someone.

And more.

 

Thank you for those definitions!
The clarification I'm getting is Asexuality is: not looking at any person and wanting to have sex with them? with Philip027's added: not asexual if you want to have sex for sex's sake?
I feel I must be some kind of romantic- that isn't in question. Check the box on Sensual- I like hugs. I get the Aesthetic, but not sure I feel it? And Platonic sounds like how I feel about everyone XD (AS A SIDE NOTE OMG THE CAKE IS SO CUTE  THANKYOU )
 

16 hours ago, Philip027 said:

I wouldn't try to dissect the term that much.  Attraction, much like love and other similar emotions, takes different forms depending on the person.  (This is why I think defining sexual orientations solely based on attraction isn't ideal, but that's a whole other topic...)

 

If you are drawn toward someone else in some way, that's attraction.  It's literally what attraction means, to be drawn toward something.

If it entails you desiring sexual activity with them in some way, that's sexual attraction.  Note that this means actually desiring it, not simply just being able to enjoy it -- asexuals can still potentially enjoy sex when it happens, they just aren't compelled to seek it out for their own sake.

Yha 'attraction is tossed around a lot, i'm just kinda breaking it down into 'Do I Want X With THIS Person'
I'm super glad you all keep reiterating and redefining things- it may be confusing at first but I think my definition for asexuality is a lot stronger now. And the more if/then statements the better I feel. 
Now I just have to do more homework and pay attention to anything my lizard brain says lol. Also thank you for your patience and time.

 

11 hours ago, Auld_Mulk said:

@Graceless I want to first say I am happy for the joy you are feeling in this relationship and I hope you and your husband continue this way. 

 

Internal/External referred to you wanting sex for yourself vs. wanting sex to please a partner.  Your answers mostly line up with my approach to sex.  I wanted to please my partner over myself enjoyment.  I have a couple more 'litmus test' type questions that you might want to investigate. 

 

First, what happens when your husband wants to please you without receiving gratification for himself?  Would that be pleasurable/desirable to you? 

 

Second, has stress (extreme stress; death in the family, moving house, etc.) interfered with you taking pleasure or even wanting to participate?   You mentioned struggling when you/he/both are feeling off.  Does that turn you off personally? 

 

Also you might want to talk with @Grimalkin as she is asexual in a mixed heterosexual relationship too.  Ask her how she views sex as an asexual. 

Super TMI so so sorry
 

 
 
 
 
Spoiler

I'd say at this point in our relationship, our goal is never ME for ME's sake.
He likes to make me feel good, it makes him feel good to do so. I can feel good, but most of the time we understand now doing stuff for ME is for HIM, and the goal is never for me to 'finish' cause he knows that is hard for me. I can- but only when moons a line lol. Mostly we know things are WAY easier on everyone if I'm aroused a bit? So a bit of foreplay to makes sex easier. (These are.... unspoken things though, I'm not sure if he knows why we do things the way we do) I'm way more upset when we try to have sex, and neither of us 'finish' - makes me feel extra crappy.  There were some incidents when we first got together- we were not perfect, but this is where we are now.

As far as stress, I do have anxiety/depression that is mostly under control, but my anxiety is just a base character trait. When we are trying to 'do stuff' I'm not putt effort into thinking about what is happening in that moment (I find imagining reasons for actions helpful, keeps me aware). If I don't do that- my brain wanders to easy - to what needs to do done next around the house, bills, cleaning, next social event, and that is where things start to crumble? 
I'm really not sure how to... communicate all of this in a way he'd get. And if there might be something that either of us can do to make sex more frequent (Something I know he wants) and easier for me- or at less complicated in my brain. Right now it's kinda like ... ahg.... being friends with a telepath while watching a movie? You have to pay attention to the movie, and not think about other things, Or you know they won't be able to enjoy watching the movie? BUT you have final coming up.   ... best example i have right now XD
-----


and HI @Grimalkin I too enjoy Renaissance Garb and Tea! If you have any tips and tricks (either here or PM) I'd love to hear them!!! I'll try to think on some specific questions to ask you. :)

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Grimalkin

Well, belatedly, I'm not sure how much advice I can offer. I lean towards aegosexual/autochorrisexual-- meaning the only interest in sex that I have is in a vague, disconnected way that doesn't involve me personally. It keeps me invested in my partner and his sexuality, but when it comes to actual sex with me I'm totally indifferent. 

 

I think regardless of labels, what you've got here isn't so bad. You may never fully connect with him in the same sexual way he experiences, but it's less about what you call it and more about how you handle it. Since sex is for his sake, having some kind of post-sex ritual that's just for you may help quite a bit, like a massage, hot bath, etc. Something that gives you recovery time, and something to look forward to. 

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Serran

Ok... so, seems like you 

 

1) Rarely ever want to initiate it 

2) When you do, it's because you read about something he will like ? 

3) Enjoy it, but rarely orgasm

4) Enjoy it because you are pleasing him, not because you get any sort of fulfillment from it yourself?

 

Forget about how you feel about other people. I don't find other people attractive in any way. I find my wife attractive because I love her and I trust her, not so much cause omg you're so hot if I didn't know you and saw you on the street I'd still want you... no. The emotional connection is what gets me going and makes me want her. That whole see someone and want them from how hot they are thing is a stereotype not all sexuals fall into. It's like saying all aces are like Sheldon from early BBT seasons. Stereotype, some fit it, but yeah, not everyone and the stereotype can be misleading. 

 

For me, sexual attraction feels like I love my wife and when we are kissing, cuddling, etc sometimes I want to go further to sexual activities because it would be a nice experience and we both would enjoy it. That pull towards going further is what was missing in all my previous relationships.That is why I am sexually attracted to my wife. I want to have sexual experiences with her, for both her and myself, because I enjoy it and get emotional and physical fulfillment from it. Probably about 50% of the time I only do things to her, cause my libido is lower, but I still get fulfillment from it. 

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