NocturnalCynic Posted September 10, 2019 Share Posted September 10, 2019 .:deep exhale:. Hello, friends. I have been putting off talking about this basically for as long as I can remember, but for better or worse if I stay in my head anymore I'm going to either explode or self-harm some more and why would I do that when I have a wealth of knowledge at my fingertips courtesy of the internet and its inhabitants? I'm also going to issue a mild TRIGGER WARNING. Please if you're sensitive to childhood sexual traumatic experiences I'd advise you to steer clear and take care. I won't be graphic, but it's important to know your limits. I ramble when I'm nervous... just in case you missed that. So my whole adult life I've been hearing, "Give people a chance..." or, "You just need to get outside your comfort zone..." This is usually in response to me being like, "This is why I don't date" after I listen to a friend tell me about some guy who's hurt them for the millionth time despite my perspective to exercise caution which usually leads to frustration on my part and coming to the conclusion that my friends and I must just be wired differently. Because I'm so terrified of getting my heart broken that even if I find someone attractive, once they start to show an interest I'm so anxious that any connection we may have had is lost in favor of fear and incidentally, I'm incapable of understanding the rush and obsession that possesses most of my friends when there is someone they're interested in, to the point of putting that person on a pedestal and getting super attached super quickly... (it almost has to be hormones and daddy issues playing off each other but this post isn't supposed to be about them...) Most of the people who I have crushes on are people who I meet through other people who can give me an idea of their reputation first, at which point at least I can make an informed decision if I hear they're a player. I haven't had a relationship since I was 16, and I broke up with him (somewhat ironically) because he wouldn't do anything more than hold my hand and it was up to me to come up with 85% of our conversations. I've also been in denial about a sexual situation instigated by a cousin and his brother when I was like 9 up until my sister confided a few months ago that she was raped by one of the cousins involved just a few years ago. That discussion stirred something foul up that I've been keeping locked up tight. It's the question of, maybe I'm not just naturally wired to be incapable of experiencing sexual attraction. Maybe that trauma and having to stick up for myself (and my sister) as a child twisted my fight or flight (or fuck?) pathways and now I've moved somewhere into that grey area. Without being too graphic, it was non consensual touching that I was eventually able to convince he and his brother that my sister and I weren't interested in participating in... by like the 4th time... So no penetration. No blood or tears. My sister was like 5 and doesn't even remember it when I asked her about it after her rape. So that's why this is extra hard for me- I don't have anyone who can relate. It's not bad enough for me to consider myself a rape or molestation victim... It just happened and I'm the only one who's overthinking it bad enough to be damaged. I suspect that I'm demisexual. I LOVE the idea of a romantic partner. I love the idea of having someone I'd love nothing more than to spend the rest of my days with taking care of each other. I love the idea of being someone's sub. I've experienced attraction with 3/4 of my closest friends. I'm not 100% sex repulsed, pure ace. I want a relationship with someone who I admire, with someone who can keep up with me, with someone who is just as compassionate as they are free thinking and intelligent. I don't want someone who is perfect, I just want someone whose crazy meshes well with mine in a way that makes me feel safe. Trouble is, how do you find that? Stumbling around hoping for the best doesn't seem to have helped. I've been on dating apps and that just leads to awkward conversations early on that no I'm not looking to hookup, I just don't know if I'm attracted to you but if I get to know you better I might be... Obviously this does not fly with the majority of people and leads to me being put in that platonic box prematurely. However if I don't have that awkward conversation and set that boundary I feel like I'm more in danger of giving someone the wrong idea and just getting a hookup who will ghost on me as soon as the conversation starts to move toward long term. I don't want the obligation of sex that seems to come with a date. The only conclusion I've come to is that if they are the right person, we will click well enough that it won't put them off, but I guess I need some validation. I also probably need to see a shrink about the sexual discomfort at an early age (I hesitate to say trauma because we were children of 9 and 11 so it was most likely not malice on his part that drove him to behave the way he did- it just made me deeply uncomfortable). For some reason I'm reluctant to even bring it up. I feel like I'm overreacting. It happened so long ago. My shrinks seem to have considered my fear of intimacy (and rejection) to be something I just needed to desensitize myself to by talking to more men my age, but it doesn't seem to help. The only time I feel open enough to have a true, enjoyable conversation with a guy is when I know he's off limits. Then there's the recent realization that I like women more than a strictly straight person does, which doesn't bother me in terms of being labeled pansexual. It's just I'm finding that now that I consider women as possible partners some of my social anxiety extends to them as well if I worry they might be interested. Well I'm sure this post has gone on long enough to scare any potential respondents away. If anyone has any perspective to offer I would be grateful even if it's just, "Hey I can identify with you." So thanks and much love! Link to post Share on other sites
Karst Posted September 10, 2019 Share Posted September 10, 2019 It's all right to not want to go back to something that you've had a bad experience with. You're not obligated to like men sexually or romantically. Link to post Share on other sites
wyrdwyrm Posted September 10, 2019 Share Posted September 10, 2019 Even though you stopped things before they got bad, I think it's still worth bringing up with a therapist if it's bothering you now. Trauma doesn't need a baseline of damage to be valid, and it sounds like you still have a lot to unpack there. You're allowed to have a reaction to a situation like that! For finding people...since you feel the most comfortable with people you know well (or have opportunity to vet thoroughly), I'd recommend looking for friends over romantic partners - for instance, find activities you're interested in sharing with people, and see what develops from there. Link to post Share on other sites
Karst Posted September 10, 2019 Share Posted September 10, 2019 1 minute ago, wyrdwyrm said: Even though you stopped things before they got bad, I think it's still worth bringing up with a therapist if it's bothering you now. Trauma doesn't need a baseline of damage to be valid, and it sounds like you still have a lot to unpack there. You're allowed to have a reaction to a situation like that! A wound doesn't have to be life-threatening to cause pain and require treatment. Link to post Share on other sites
NocturnalCynic Posted September 11, 2019 Author Share Posted September 11, 2019 22 hours ago, wyrdwyrm said: For finding people...since you feel the most comfortable with people you know well (or have opportunity to vet thoroughly), I'd recommend looking for friends over romantic partners - for instance, find activities you're interested in sharing with people, and see what develops from there. When you point it out like that it really does seem stupid that I got impatient and tried for the whole dating thing. I am not my friends. Just because they think it's fun and are enjoying it, doesn't mean I have to. There is no such thing as normal, it's all relative. .:sighs:. I let my anxiety consume me on this one and didn't listen to my intuition. But sometimes I guess trying and failing is the best way to learn yourself. I appreciate your kind perspective. Link to post Share on other sites
NocturnalCynic Posted September 11, 2019 Author Share Posted September 11, 2019 22 hours ago, Iridium said: It's all right to not want to go back to something that you've had a bad experience with. You're not obligated to like men sexually or romantically. I think with men it's this bizarre feeling of being attracted to them and associating them with being taken care of, but also at my core I think society and family experience has taught me to put them a position of power over me and if I let them get that close they have the potential to take that power away... or something. It's an ongoing issue. In recent years I've decided I identify more as pan than straight and I'm becoming braver about speaking up about it. It wasn't always that way being raised Catholic, but at the end of the day love is love and I'm my happiest staying true to that. 22 hours ago, Iridium said: A wound doesn't have to be life-threatening to cause pain and require treatment. Dammit this is also true. I'm still in the contemplation stage about therapy. I think it's mostly a situation of being a little jaded about therapy and not knowing how much better it could be simply because I haven't experienced it yet. I'm endlessly appreciative of the validation. This is something I need to remember as I continue to work through this. Link to post Share on other sites
wyrdwyrm Posted September 11, 2019 Share Posted September 11, 2019 1 hour ago, NocturnalCynic said: When you point it out like that it really does seem stupid that I got impatient and tried for the whole dating thing. I am not my friends. Just because they think it's fun and are enjoying it, doesn't mean I have to. There is no such thing as normal, it's all relative. .:sighs:. I let my anxiety consume me on this one and didn't listen to my intuition. But sometimes I guess trying and failing is the best way to learn yourself. I appreciate your kind perspective. You're very welcome! ❤️ Link to post Share on other sites
Laplace Posted September 11, 2019 Share Posted September 11, 2019 “You just need to get outside your comfort zone.” ”You mean completely change the behavior I’ve exhibited for the past quarter of a century while also gambling the majority of my self-confidence and potentially my mental health for the foreseeable future?” Yeah, I’d rather just make friends. I’m hopeless anyways when trying to judge if anyone likes me so...... 🤷🏻♂️. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.