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Realizing I'll likely never date a sexual again. Other aces...would you ever date a sexual person?


WanderingKate

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everywhere and nowhere

I have never been in a relationship. (I'm 38 years old, but still... I do regret having never been in a relationship, but I won't let myself be (a)shamed for it.) Still, as I see it now, I coudn't agree to have sex under any circumstances. The idea of personally having sex is just terrifying to me. It would be a huge harm to myself, but I can't imagine even being able to force myself to do it.

So I would make it clear from the start that I simply couldn't have sex, that I'm not just "uninterested" (actually, I'm certainly not even a 100% asexual) - I'm actively, and very strongly, averse to the idea of ever personally having sex. But I could try a relationship with an allosexual woman if she was still interested despite me making clear that I won't have sex. I think that a low-libido woman and low-libido man is not the same, women are much more likely to feel fine with no sex even if not perceiving themselves as asexual or close to asexual. And also... I'm not that much into a typical romantic relationship, what I truly desire is rather a deep, intimate friendship. This level of emotional intimacy is something I have achieved once in my life and never replicated... :(

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5 hours ago, AceMissBehaving said:

There's a rather openly sexual couple I'm friends with, seeing how neatly they jive together makes me envious sometimes. Not of their sexuality, but the way they match together. We talk about the feelings we as aces lack, so it's easy to think that a sexual person's feelings for an ace are the same plus extra, but I think we miss that just like a lot of sexual people talk about needing to be wanted the way they want their partner, most ace people would probably like to feel that too. I know I've never had that. If I lost what I have now, I think it's something I'd want to experience. 

Even though I knew my boyfriend was ace, I still had to go through the process of moving beyond the sexual interpretation of being 'wanted'.  It took a bit of time, but I got there.  I had to go through the same process again when we discovered that he is aro.  That one took a little longer.  But coming here and regularly reading the perspective of those who are Ace/aro has helped me so much.  

 

Also, our experiences in life help shape who we are.  As an abuse survivor, I've lived through the dark underbelly of a relationship that looked perfect on the outside but was in reality horribly dark and twisted.  We were considered a power couple.  People would comment on how they wish that they could be in a relationship like ours.  And I wished that it was as good as people thought it was.  I always thought that he would eventually change and not have a darkness in him.  That he would see me and wouldn't do or say those horrible things.  (Those horrible things didn't start until after we were married) 

 

For me, being treated with respect is so much more important than sex that I'm fine with giving that up if it truly comes down to that.  I crave love above all else, which is why the Aro thing really gave me pause.  He knows that about me, and tried to convince me to leave him for someone that suits my needs better.  But again, as someone who has been in the abuse pattern their entire life (I was abused in all three of my previous relationships) I had no intention of going out there and possibly falling for another abuser.

 

So... I think what I'm getting at is that the grass isn't greener on the other side.  Even though there are new challenges in my relationship, it is, overall, the easiest relationship I've ever been in, and the work that comes with it is not a problem and I'm never going to feel regret or ruminate about it in a negative way internally and I think that is probably one of the biggest things that makes my experience different than most.

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WanderingKate

Thank you for all the replies so far everyone, glad to see I'm not alone :) 

Another thing I didn't add...I list a lot of reasons about not wanting a sexual relationship because its too difficult for me specifically, but I left out one of my biggest reasons of all...I don't think it'd at all be fair to a prospective sexual partner. Even on the off chance I would be willing to compromise, I know sex would be so emotionally distant and cold and my lack of enthusiasm would be obvious. I don't think that would be fair to a sexual person because I've found out (from AVEN actually, reading posts from sexuals) that to sexuals, enthusiasm, desire and emotional connection is just as important as pleasure. 

As an aromantic/grayromantic (still figuring that out) I also don't date people who are extremely romantic for the same reason...I know that a prospective partner would feel the lack of romantic desire in me and their needs would not be met.

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I severely doubt I'll ever date/be in a relationship with anyone again.

 

But if it were to happen by some one-in-a-million twist of fate, them being sexual or ace is not going to be the deciding factor, there are far more important dealbreaker questions for me (one of them is that we will either be open/poly from day one, or remain just friends. No monogamous relationship for me, ever - that's not negotiable, period.)

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I'd rather date a fellow ace ace, but I'd probably be okay to compromise? I think. Never dated anyone so I wouldn't know. The chances of me meeting anyone in general is extremely low as is, anyways..

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Dead account 4444

I've never dated before bc I'm only 13 but I can't imagine being in a sexual relationship with anyone. So I'd probably try to avoid dating sexual people when I start dating

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I only found out about asexuality after I got married. I felt it for ages but I couldn’t put it into words. Now I regret, that I didn’t knew sooner. That I married my sexual husband. 

I love him and I know, that he loves me too, but I am unable to fulfil his needs. And although he knows about me and tries to adapt, I can watch him breaking. A bit more with every disappointment. I don’t know what to do anymore. Nothing I say or do seems to be able to replace what I cannot give. 

 

So for the sake of the loved one, I would never date a sexual again. I wouldn’t want to inflict so much pain on someone I love, ever again.

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22 hours ago, WanderingKate said:

After now having had multiple asexual and sexual relationships I've come to a realization today...I truly don't believe I'll ever date a sexual person again. 

I've tried it a couple of times, with people of various sex drives...I used to think that dating a sexual with a low libido would be okay for me, but I've come to realize that even some sex is too much sex for me. 

And it's not the act of sex itself even. It's everything....having to pretend to be into it, having to worry if we're having enough sex, having to worry about keeping my partner satisfied with different positions and variations of sex, having to deal with birth control, having to always be on edge when my partner touches me....

I'm done with compromising. I won't do it again. Not unless I fall madly in love with someone, and I don't see that happening as I identify as essentially aromantic. 

Now that I've dated several aces, while I admit it's much harder to find them and takes a lot more effort....I'll never go back. I'm in an ace relationship now. The difference is incredible. We can hold hands and be side by side watching a movie and I don't have to be terrified that a hug will turn into a proposition for sex. I don't have to pretend I have sexual fantasies and desires. I realized the only relationships I've ever been happy in and sustained for more than two months were asexual ones....my three relationships with sexuals ranged from me being unhappy/bored to completely and utterly miserable. 

Still...it feels odd to admit. When I develop an interest in someone, if I find out they are sexual (of course I know most people are sexual- but if they make it blatantly obvious with a sex story or joke, etc) than I'll immediately lose interest. 

Does anyone else feel the same...that even if they wanted to they could never date a sexual person again? Or would you be willing to date a sexual person with compromise? What factors would have to be in place for you to consider dating a sexual? 

I'm in a relationship with a sexual and I have all the fears and discomforts you described, and I' m tired of waiting for the topic to be brought up again and again because we haven't reached any sort of compromise so it's always an issue.... I envy you that you've found a relationship that works. I wish you well ❤️

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I’ve only been in one relationship and it happened to be with a guy who is sexual. He’s actually bi so we joke that he has both of our sexualities. He’s pretty amazing and I consider myself very lucky that he is content with whatever I’m in the mood for since my comfort level varies on a day to day basis! We’ll have been married 2 years come December and I love our life together! If something ever happened and I was thrown back into the dating pool, I’d date someone who was sexual if they were as great and understanding as he is (which is a pretty tall order!)

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Hermit Advocate

Probably not. Too much potential resentment. 

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DarkStormyKnight

I was in a relationship with a sexual person and it really didn't go well. Honestly I'd prefer to date only aces but it's just so hard to find them irl so somehow I doubt that that's what'll happen. I'm still willing to try and make a relationship with a sexual person work, but yeah seems harder so I totally get not wanting it.

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Neutral Charge

nop, no  nop nop nop =))) i cant deal with it anymore, faked it long enough for the wrong reasons :x

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InvisibleSquid

If it ever happened that my wife and I had to split, I would definitely not want to date another sexual. I’d feel too bad for them, and I’d feel like there’s too much pressure on me. Finding another ace would be more difficult, but likely more ideal. 

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I don't feel really like I have the luxury, simply because I happen to have a limited selection already of people who are non-religious and don't do recreational drugs...most folk fall into one category or the other =^,^=

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Chamomile_Serenity

I don't think I would. I've tried and have failed miserably. Something was always "off". I wrote this on anther thread I believe, when a sexual person feels like you're not attracted to them it affects them whether they intend it to or not. I even dated someone with a low drive in the past and it still felt like a chore amongst other reasons you've listed. I've wrestled with this as well because to me this meant that I would likely not find a companion. But when I think about my previous experiences...I just can't go back. So most likely, I will not be considering a sexual person again.

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Been there, done it. Never making that mistake again.

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Glad you have found a relationship that works for you, Kate. I would just add that dating an asexual, at least in my experience, doesn't always solve the problem. I have dated two self-professed asexuals, and they both pressured me into some really unpleasant physical intimacy. It's like they were trying to make up for not having sex by grabbing and squeezing me as much as possible. I refuse to say that I don't like cuddling, because I DO like it, without someone who knows how to be gentle and is actually paying attention to whether or not I'm enjoying it. 

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I've never dated anyone, but I'm not sure that I could handle a relationship with a sexual. I really dislike being expected to do things I don't feel like doing.

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I am sex favorable and would potentially date a sexual person in the future. (I used to be married to a sexual person, who knew I was ace before we married, but it was one of many factors in our divorce.) Sex can be fun with a lot of communication, consent, and respect, but I know this type of outlook can be rare.

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On 9/13/2019 at 7:33 PM, Chamomile_Serenity said:

I don't think I would. I've tried and have failed miserably. Something was always "off". I wrote this on anther thread I believe, when a sexual person feels like you're not attracted to them it affects them whether they intend it to or not. I even dated someone with a low drive in the past and it still felt like a chore amongst other reasons you've listed. I've wrestled with this as well because to me this meant that I would likely not find a companion. But when I think about my previous experiences...I just can't go back. So most likely, I will not be considering a sexual person again.

I am also a sex favorable asexual and I would like to date an allosexual because I do like doing stuff especially if there’s kink. But I am wondering about the quote above... does it really negatively affect allosexuals if they understand that I am not attracted to them? I am uncertain if I should just keep this to myself or not. But the only thing it affects is kissing- well it affects other things as well but that’s the most obvious one.  I don’t want to kiss on the mouth it’s gross. So not sure how to explain that.

 

Some people aren’t insecure so I would think they’d be ok. My boyfriend seems to have taken it well that I’m not attracted to him, though now that I think about it I think when I first told him it made him feel very down. But he’s not insecure so he got over it. Unfortunately I’m not sure the relationship is going to work out for other reasons. It still may, but it may not.

 

I just worry about how I should approach it with future partners if it doesn’t work out with my boyfriend. I feel like it’s right to tell them I’m a sex favorable asexual so that I don’t have to feel like I have to fake things or hide things. But I’m just worried about their self esteem. Hopefully any future partners I have can handle it.

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14 hours ago, KoiFishShoes said:

I am sex favorable and would potentially date a sexual person in the future. (I used to be married to a sexual person, who knew I was ace before we married, but it was one of many factors in our divorce.) Sex can be fun with a lot of communication, consent, and respect, but I know this type of outlook can be rare.

You being asexual was one of the factors in your divorce? That doesn’t give me a good feeling about telling any possible future partners... why was it one of the factors?

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I know us sex favorable asexuals are super rare... it probably must be very difficult to date an allosexual if you’re not willing to have sex. I don’t think it’s really fair to either side.

 

As an aside, have any of you aces considered starting an Ace meetup group to meet other aces? I’m moving to upstate New York and they have an asexual meetup there. I’m running a meetup for a martial art I do- it’s really simple to start up (though it does cost something if you’re the organizer). Instead of resigning yourselves to never finding anyone, I suggest starting a meetup and see where that goes. Maybe there are other asexuals in your area but you just don’t know it!

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9 hours ago, gray-a girl said:

 

Some people aren’t insecure so I would think they’d be ok. My boyfriend seems to have taken it well that I’m not attracted to him, though now that I think about it I think when I first told him it made him feel very down. But he’s not insecure so he got over it.

It took some time for me to move past it.  Not long.  But it took a fair amount of introspection.  Being able to separate sex from desire isn't natural for an allo, so it's like learning a new language.  But it's definitely doable.  My boyfriend told me he was ace upfront.  I think that's an important piece of information to know.

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10 hours ago, gray-a girl said:

You being asexual was one of the factors in your divorce? That doesn’t give me a good feeling about telling any possible future partners... why was it one of the factors?

He told me he was okay with it before we got married, which was either not entirely true, or he didn't know it at the time. The sex got less fun, and he eventually started telling me I was broken. He got together with someone new 3-4 weeks after I left and made sure to tell me about what great sex they were having every time I went back to pack up more of my stuff.😕  Communicate, and be honest with each other.

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10 minutes ago, KoiFishShoes said:

He told me he was okay with it before we got married, which was either not entirely true, or he didn't know it at the time. The sex got less fun, and he eventually started telling me I was broken. He got together with someone new 3-4 weeks after I left and made sure to tell me about what great sex they were having every time I went back to pack up more of my stuff.😕  Communicate, and be honest with each other.

OMG that's gross behavior.  I'm so sorry that he put you through that.

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59 minutes ago, xstatic ☆゚°˖* ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ said:

OMG that's gross behavior.  I'm so sorry that he put you through that.

Thanks, I appreciate that. Thankfully, I've never believed I'm broken, just wired differently.

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8 hours ago, KoiFishShoes said:

He told me he was okay with it before we got married, which was either not entirely true, or he didn't know it at the time. The sex got less fun, and he eventually started telling me I was broken. He got together with someone new 3-4 weeks after I left and made sure to tell me about what great sex they were having every time I went back to pack up more of my stuff.😕  Communicate, and be honest with each other.

 

That’s terrible. And you being sex favorable too. Doesn’t sound like a very good person to me. 

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Chamomile_Serenity
On 9/17/2019 at 3:23 PM, gray-a girl said:

Some people aren’t insecure so I would think they’d be ok.

I don't think it's about insecurity but rather wanting the full expression f their view of love expressed back. I will speak generally because I do not have research to back my assertions. As someone who was also married and divorced I suspect that my Ace-ness had some weight in that...but I wouldn't give Ace-ness all the credit. Humans are much too complicated for that. Nevertheless, I do believe that many allosexuals (is that the term?) prefer a partner who lusts after them the way they do. They would prefer their partner to desire them and want to do them as an extension of their love.  Despite that, I imagine there are likely many allo/ace couples who do just fine. Because of comprise.  I only just discovered this identify last year. I comprised just fine for the short-term. I imagine there are many more Asexuals than reported who live regular allosexual lives because that's what they know. All relationships require honesty, trust, and communication. That doesn't change whether Ace or not.

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Same answer I gave for the Census Forum post with this question: I might if they asked, but I would naturally doubt it would get very far. Been there, done that, but who knows? I'm ok to keep checking.

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