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Realizing I'll likely never date a sexual again. Other aces...would you ever date a sexual person?


WanderingKate

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I went through two marriages to men before I knew I was asexual. Figuring this out about myself explained a LOT. But I am romantic and do fall in love. I would never date a sexual person again, I am done with that level of compromise at this point in my life. I would love to find and have a relationship with someone that is also asexual romantic, but it seems like the odds of that happening are essentially zero, which is just so depressing... 😞

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I am currently dating an allosexual, and my last two relationships were also allosexual relationships - However, we  have talked about our boundaries plenty of times and she seems to be of the 'lets go slow' mindset which I hope will help me figure out my own boundaries as I am not sexually-repulsed and don't mind the concept of having sex (not that I've ever really wanted to sleep with someone, but I'm not sure if it's my anxiety or a low libido? Asexuality is confusing lmao). 

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Hiya, I’m a sexual in a relationship with a asexual for about 9 months, needing a bit of advice please, he doesn’t really like me talking about his sexuality at all, or any feelings emotions of any kind. My question is he doesn’t  show me or like me to show him any physical affection of any kind giving him a cuddle hold his hands kiss etc but he does his close female friends I’m a bit confused 😐 

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If I ever turned out not to be aromantic, I think I would be okay with dating someone regardless of their (a)sexuality assuming they understood that they’d have to be the one to initiate anything and that I’m not gonna be able to provide the “steamy romance” they may or may not crave. I’m theoretically willing to be physically intimate with someone assuming I did like them, but it’s impossible for me to act sexy or something. 

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nutterwithasolderingiron

ive been on a few dates with sexual people and honestly, i'm not always sure they "get it". but honestly, every date i've been on since realising i'm ace has been a strange experience. like you kinda know you'll have to explain why at some point. i've not really had any dates with other aces, hopefully i can sometime soon. 

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I'm married to a very sexual man, who's been taking it pretty hard to accept my asexuality.  we've opened up the relationship,  for him obviously,  but no, even if I would want to date anyone else at all, which I highly doubt,  not a sexual person if I could help it. as much as it goes against my nature to engage in sexual activities,  it would be the same for them not to, and that leads to more compromising, which is not ideal. so, no.

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On 9/23/2019 at 3:38 PM, Shellanne said:

Hiya, I’m a sexual in a relationship with a asexual for about 9 months, needing a bit of advice please, he doesn’t really like me talking about his sexuality at all, or any feelings emotions of any kind. My question is he doesn’t  show me or like me to show him any physical affection of any kind giving him a cuddle hold his hands kiss etc but he does his close female friends I’m a bit confused 😐 

this might have to do with the expectation of things progressing beyond what feels comfortable to him. I limited my physical affection towards my husband,  because it would get him "in the mood", but snuggles and cuddles were all I wanted.

for your guy, with his other friends, he may be sure that they stick to those boundaries. you, being a sexual person, want more, naturally. so he's walking on egg shells, so to speak. I can relate. maybe if you reassure him, that you are looking for "just" cuddle time? it might take the worries of the back of his mind. 

good luck 

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I was married to a very sexual person. I know this seems like an obviously bad idea, but I'm strongly romantic and I just got into and perpetuated the relationship without worrying about the consequences. Last week, I found out that he had been going to a psychiatrist, specifically to discuss his issue of my asexuality. The psychiatrist used this vulnerability of his to seduce him into sexually satisfying her. We're divorcing now, not just because of what happened but because of why and what it means. I am absolutely heartbroken. I can't sleep, stop crying, or generally function.

 

At absolutely any time prior to now, I would have ignored advice that I found on these pages regarding getting into a relationship with a sexual. I guess I was conceited and thought I was different somehow. I don't know. But my answer now is definitely "NO." A sexual-asexual relationship is doomed for failure. And if you're like me, asexuality is a huge insecurity of yours. So you not only lose your soulmate, but you do so due to your worst insecurity. And possibly, as in my case, in a way that I wouldn't have imagined in my worst nightmares. 

 

 

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I've only recently learned that there's more to asexuality than simply "doesn't want to have sex". I'm honestly still confused as to whether I'd describe myself as asexual or gray-a demisexual. I've never wanted to have sex with someone because of passion/lust/horniness (whatever you want to call it), but there have been a few rare occasions where I actually desired sex for emotional closeness (but still didn't feel the urge physically). In virtually all of my sexual encounters, my motivation for participating was to please my partner. Most of the time I don't even care whether or not I orgasm.

Overall, if I knew I never had to have sex again, I'd be delighted. There are times (not always, but sometimes) where I'm simply repulsed by the idea of any form of sexual contact.

My current partner is absolutely wonderful, but very sexual. If for whatever reason we don't work out (god forbid), I'm pretty sure I'd start to exclusively seek out asexual partners.

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29 minutes ago, Tara A said:

I was married to a very sexual person. I know this seems like an obviously bad idea, but I'm strongly romantic and I just got into and perpetuated the relationship without worrying about the consequences. Last week, I found out that he had been going to a psychiatrist, specifically to discuss his issue of my asexuality. The psychiatrist used this vulnerability of his to seduce him into sexually satisfying her. We're divorcing now, not just because of what happened but because of why and what it means. I am absolutely heartbroken. I can't sleep, stop crying, or generally function.

 

At absolutely any time prior to now, I would have ignored advice that I found on these pages regarding getting into a relationship with a sexual. I guess I was conceited and thought I was different somehow. I don't know. But my answer now is definitely "NO." A sexual-asexual relationship is doomed for failure. And if you're like me, asexuality is a huge insecurity of yours. So you not only lose your soulmate, but you do so due to your worst insecurity. And possibly, as in my case, in a way that I wouldn't have imagined in my worst nightmares. 

 

 

I hope you reported that psychiatrist 

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On 9/29/2019 at 7:12 PM, Serran said:

I hope you reported that psychiatrist 

I brought it up with my husband and he doesn't want to. It's not worth it to me to do any more than that.

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6 minutes ago, Tara A said:

I brought it up with my husband and he doesn't want to. It's not worth it to me to do any more than that.

Mmm. She will breach ethics and take advantage of other patients if left to be predatory. :(

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I brought it up with my husband and he doesn't want to.

Of course not, because it's shameful for him.  This isn't about him though, it's about making the best of a bad situation and making sure someone cannot exploit their position of power to prey upon anyone else.  It could grant you a bit of catharsis if nothing else.

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On 9/30/2019 at 12:03 AM, Anommamous said:

I've only recently learned that there's more to asexuality than simply "doesn't want to have sex". I'm honestly still confused as to whether I'd describe myself as asexual or gray-a demisexual. I've never wanted to have sex with someone because of passion/lust/horniness (whatever you want to call it), but there have been a few rare occasions where I actually desired sex for emotional closeness (but still didn't feel the urge physically). In virtually all of my sexual encounters, my motivation for participating was to please my partner. Most of the time I don't even care whether or not I orgasm.

Overall, if I knew I never had to have sex again, I'd be delighted. There are times (not always, but sometimes) where I'm simply repulsed by the idea of any form of sexual contact.

My current partner is absolutely wonderful, but very sexual. If for whatever reason we don't work out (god forbid), I'm pretty sure I'd start to exclusively seek out asexual partners.

Asexuality is simply not being aroused by people. Everything else is the individual; there are asexuals with high libido, and low. Those that masturbate, or not. From what you are describing I would say you Close to Asexual with a touch of Demi but you will wourk 'you' out in time. 

I am similar to you, I don't need sex for any reason but I am polyamorous with partners as I enjoy the closeness but want them to have a full sex-life.

A 101 PDF

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On 10/1/2019 at 5:52 AM, Serran said:

Mmm. She will breach ethics and take advantage of other patients if left to be predatory. :(

 

19 hours ago, Philip027 said:

Of course not, because it's shameful for him.  This isn't about him though, it's about making the best of a bad situation and making sure someone cannot exploit their position of power to prey upon anyone else.  It could grant you a bit of catharsis if nothing else.

Thanks both of you. I do need to think of others in this situation. Having said that, I don't know if I'm going to be able to actually get her reported, but I'll bring it up again.

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Snow in the background

Hi. 

I am grey sexual. Even though I am not experienced when it comes to being in a relationship, aka. I've never been in a serious relationship, I would like to date or even marry a sexual women. If the two partners do well at the level of personality compatibility and if the communication patter is a healthy one, I believe that the relationship would work.

I do not know... I hope so.

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