Realizing I'll likely never date a sexual again. Other aces...would you ever date a sexual person?

[WanderingKate]

After now having had multiple asexual and sexual relationships I've come to a realization today...I truly don't believe I'll ever date a sexual person again. 

I've tried it a couple of times, with people of various sex drives...I used to think that dating a sexual with a low libido would be okay for me, but I've come to realize that even some sex is too much sex for me. 

And it's not the act of sex itself even. It's everything....having to pretend to be into it, having to worry if we're having enough sex, having to worry about keeping my partner satisfied with different positions and variations of sex, having to deal with birth control, having to always be on edge when my partner touches me....

I'm done with compromising. I won't do it again. Not unless I fall madly in love with someone, and I don't see that happening as I identify as essentially aromantic. 

Now that I've dated several aces, while I admit it's much harder to find them and takes a lot more effort....I'll never go back. I'm in an ace relationship now. The difference is incredible. We can hold hands and be side by side watching a movie and I don't have to be terrified that a hug will turn into a proposition for sex. I don't have to pretend I have sexual fantasies and desires. I realized the only relationships I've ever been happy in and sustained for more than two months were asexual ones....my three relationships with sexuals ranged from me being unhappy/bored to completely and utterly miserable. 

Still...it feels odd to admit. When I develop an interest in someone, if I find out they are sexual (of course I know most people are sexual- but if they make it blatantly obvious with a sex story or joke, etc) than I'll immediately lose interest. 

Does anyone else feel the same...that even if they wanted to they could never date a sexual person again? Or would you be willing to date a sexual person with compromise? What factors would have to be in place for you to consider dating a sexual? 

[Nick2]

No.

[Zagadka]

I couldn't meet the needs they have. I would be far too guilty to be in a relationship where I can't make my partner feel fulfilled or happy. I just wouldn't be able to be into it. Maybe for a while, but any kind of long term thing... just can't meet that need.

 

Fortunately, I have no desire for a relationship 😉

 

But I just couldn't meet those needs so I wouldn't try.

[SithLord]

I've been in one relationship that has come to sexual stuff (my other relationship I was 100% against even light kissing so we didn't move past that), and I don't think I'll ever be in another relationship again because I love him. I got lucky and even though I worry about not making him happy, I know he worries about the same thing and we've been big on communication since the beginning and found areas in the middle that work for us. 

 

If I were to ever get into another relationship, I would need a person with a low sex drive, but I'd be willing to date another sexual if they're good about it.

[PaganBugAce]

I don't think I'll be ever able to date one, I do make dirty jokes,  but I would never actually want to commit to a sex act. But that's just me. I do want a fulfilling relationship though, but that all takes time.

[Xstatic]

@WanderingKate you do you.  I totally get it.  I'm bisexual, and usually monogamous so when I'm in a relationship with anyone, I'm always catering to only a piece of myself...if that's understandable...  

[wetstormy]

i definitely could not in a conventional monogamous manner. id prefer to keep the relationship polyamorous so they are free to have other partners that could meet other needs - sex included. that way if there’s that blue moon where I suddenly want to partake, it’s an option and (hopefully) won’t become an expectation of me since their need would be fulfilled by another. but that’s all if I’m dating someone sexual. 

[Guest]

I was in a relationship with a sexual (I had really strong platonic and aesthetic attraction to him that I confused for romantic feelings) and even though I appear to be one of the luckiest aces ever because he was respectful and didn't try to push me for anything, it's why we broke up pretty quickly. I think I would be interested in having a queer platonic relationship but it all just depends on whether or not I meet someone compatible.

[Xstatic]

4 minutes ago, Moon Spirit ☽ said:

I was in a relationship with a sexual (I had really strong platonic and aesthetic attraction to him that I confused for romantic feelings) and even though I appear to be one of the luckiest aces ever because he was respectful and didn't try to push me for anything, it's why we broke up pretty quickly. I think I would be interested in having a queer platonic relationship but it all just depends on whether or not I meet someone compatible.

Can you elaborate on this a little bit for me?  Or not.  That's okay too.  But as a sexual who is in a relationship with an ace/aro I would like to hear exactly what was your hang-up so that I might be sensitive to it in my own relationship.

[Lord Jade Cross]

No, I would never enter into a relationship much less with a sexual.

[Guest]

I am not ace, but I wouldn't even date most sexuals, because I don't want traditional sex and most need it. So, I can totally get why aces would have no interest. 

[Guest]

@xstatic ☆ﾟ°˖* ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ Oh, he broke up with me because of the whole sex thing. Haha.

[Xstatic]

3 minutes ago, Moon Spirit ☽ said:

@xstatic ☆ﾟ°˖* ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ Oh, he broke up with me because of the whole sex thing. Haha.

Oh.  That took an unexpected turn.  😓 That sucks.  I'm sorry.

[Guest]

@xstatic ☆ﾟ°˖* ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ It's fine, it was an experience that helped lead me to learn something about myself.

[Yeast]

I've had the opposite problem in the past. Women tended to end the relationship when they realized sex would never be part of it. I get the impression many equate no sex with no affection. I've never had sex but I still loved my family. I equate relationships with friendships. To many, relationships are more important than friendships because I guess sex is involved. Sex gets involved. It doesn't have to, at least for me. Yes, it is quite refreshing to have an asexual girlfriend. We can do things together and I suppose neither of us has to worry about the specter of sex lurking unseen in the background. 

[Liana]

I’ll give it a try before saying a definitive no, but I’m sex repulsed and feel uneasy at hearing some innuendos so I doubt that it’d work out if I do try.

[AceMissBehaving]

If something were to happen where I found myself back in the dating pool I would probably do my best to only date other aces. I love my husband and we do well together, he’s accepting of my asexuality, and we work together on finding a compromise that works for both of us, but it’s constant communication and work. I don’t think I’d be willing to do it again for anyone else.

 

[Guest]

@Yeast From talking to romantic sexuals, they have stronger emotional bonds to a relationship partner than they do with friends so it isn't all about the sex (well, depending on who it is anyway).

[Xstatic]

8 minutes ago, AceMissBehaving said:

If something were to happen where I found myself back in the dating pool I would probably do my best to only date other aces. I love my husband and we do well together, he’s accepting of my asexuality, and we work together on finding a compromise that works for both of us, but it’s constant communication and work. I don’t think I’d be willing to do it again for anyone else.

 

I understand you.  I love my boyfriend completely, but I feel like if for some reason it doesn't work out between us, that he will be much happier never dating again or being in a QPR.  I can't see anyone else being as sensitive as I am.  It's just not common.  And even with me being as sensitive as I am, it is, indeed, a LOT of work.

[Chocolatastic AroAce]

Even if I was into dating, I don't think I would. It would just make us both miserable. I can't/won't change and I certainly shouldn't expect the other person to.

[012]

I've struggled with all the same considerations you described.  I'm not 100% sure but I'd lean toward No.  Although my romantic shyness pretty much casts the deciding vote anyway, ha!

[AbandonedNugget]

I dated a sexual person for two years. He didn't have too much of a sex drive to speak of in the first place, but it was there nonetheless. He told me that it was fine that I was asexual and, since he didn't have much of a drive himself, it wouldn't bother him. We cuddled, never went further than that.

 

It looked like he was starting to lose interest in the relationship down the line, which led to me breaking up with him two years later. I didn't want to ask him what his problem with the relationship was, so I don't know with certainty as to why he lost interest with me, but I've wondered if it was maybe that he needed that sexual connection that I couldn't give him. Like, for him, sex might have been the deepest connection for him, where it wasn't for me, so maybe he couldn't bring himself to get closer to me, and it started to wear him down?

 

Either way, I'm too paranoid to risk it again. Barely open to the possibility of dating another sexual person, but unlikely. 👎

[Knight of Cydonia]

I've been in a strong relationship of almost 6 years now to a sexual person, and I'm even a bit sex-repulsed. Everything else works so well that sacrifices here and there on both sides is worth it for us.

[Yeast]

1 hour ago, Moon Spirit ☽ said:

From talking to romantic sexuals, they have stronger emotional bonds to a relationship partner than they do with friends so it isn't all about the sex

What, then? Is it romance? Often asked, I've never gotten a definitive definition of romance. Could romance be completely subjective?

[Guest]

@Yeast Yeah, romantic bonds are deeper than friendship bonds. I think it's because of the vulnerability that comes with having those kinds of feelings for someone else. I don't have as much invested emotionally in my friendships as the people around me do in their romantic relationships, because it's not the same level of closeness.

[AceMissBehaving]

2 hours ago, xstatic ☆ﾟ°˖* ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ said:

I understand you.  I love my boyfriend completely, but I feel like if for some reason it doesn't work out between us, that he will be much happier never dating again or being in a QPR.  I can't see anyone else being as sensitive as I am.  It's just not common.  And even with me being as sensitive as I am, it is, indeed, a LOT of work.

I always find the posts regarding your relationship refreshing. My husband has been similarly supportive since I came out. Reading about the dynamic between yourself and partner has helped me feel more optimistic about the sustainability of that support and understanding. It's good knowing there are people out there that can make it work, but like you say it's not that common.

 

I got married before I knew I was ace. If this relationship went away I don't think I'd feel comfortable putting myself or another sexual person through the struggle again unless they had already been in a mixed relationship with another ace person before. People tend to think that things are an awful lot easier in theory than they actually are in practice.

I sometimes wonder what it would be like to be with an ace person who would the feelings I offer as complete.  A sexual person might be able to find them enough, but they will never find my feelings completely whole. There's always that gap.

 

There's a rather openly sexual couple I'm friends with, seeing how neatly they jive together makes me envious sometimes. Not of their sexuality, but the way they match together. We talk about the feelings we as aces lack, so it's easy to think that a sexual person's feelings for an ace are the same plus extra, but I think we miss that just like a lot of sexual people talk about needing to be wanted the way they want their partner, most ace people would probably like to feel that too. I know I've never had that. If I lost what I have now, I think it's something I'd want to experience. 

[Guest]

I would never date a sexual, for most of the same reasons as those cited by the OP. In my opinion it makes relationships 1000% more complex than they need to be. I've never had a relationship, and I often lament being misled deliberately when I was a lot younger because it gave me false hope for the simple, innocent and fun relationship I desired, and now I feel I may never have a chance at such an experience. After all, before a certain age sex is either frowned upon or just not an issue.

[Neutral Charge]

Now that i know, i think not but i cant say: never  100%, to much randomness in life 😅 side note i already went through the marriage/divorce combo so chances are 97% not again on relations with people who dont understand how i am made

[wood_pots]

5 hours ago, Zagadka said:

I couldn't meet the needs they have.

What I was thinking!

 

No is the answer from me.

I read so many threads from girls here who say they'd met a supposedly understanding guy who is supposedly ok with no sex, then the sexual thing creeps up and the girl feels bad or pressured. Some men have the belief that they can change sexualities.

[Balance]

No, absolutely not, I'd never date a non-Ace person ever again. To me it's like another orientation, like if a gay and straight person dated, um why would they? I get it that some people do but I couldn't. I'm not even sure I'd ever have an Ace relationship since I've never met another Ace. I'd aim for aquaintances/friendships at this point.