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Coming out as Ace is not freeing


songchick

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For me, even if I came out as Ace to my family, they wouldn't care.  Maybe people at work is different but they don't need to know my business.  I feel like coming out and saying "I'm Ace" is like, not coming out because it doesn't manifest into a relationship or gender identity that people have to accommodate and accept.  I guess the "accommodation" would be like "Oh, they're ace, they can't handle sex talk so we won't talk to them."  I mean, I think my coworkers already sense this and they don't chat with me freely.

 

I don't want my coming out to just pigeonhole me into a social situation where people think I'm a snowflake that can't handle sex and stuff.  I don't necessarily like hearing about it, but yea. 

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Wait, ok I just had another idea:

Coming out as ace should PROTECT you against people wanting to date you.  

But I think like with LGBT folks in the past, people are like "OH, you can change, I'll change you."

 

hm

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Yeah... there's little to no point coming "out" as Ace (in a public sense) as far as I've been able to tell.

 

There IS however a few specific people where it can be useful to mention it to a few specific people:

* That friendly helpful best friend who keeps trying to set you up on dates and thinks you will be so much happier when you get laid.

* People who are trying to date you and have actually asked you out (depending on the person) "I'm not just disinterested in you, I'm not interested in ANYBODY, its nothing personal".

* Anyone who you actually DO like, and might want to be in a relationship with, even if not so much a sexual one (hey, people like have a partner sometimes).

 

 

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As someone who's had to have the whole "I am on the Asexual spectrum" talk with my previous(and current significant other), I found that most people take it extremely well, even where I live and that's saying something! 

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It feels as pointless as coming out about not drinking alcohol. I mean, great, I don't drink either, so what? 😺

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12 minutes ago, Marcin said:

It feels as pointless as coming out about not drinking alcohol. I mean, great, I don't drink either, so what? 😺

Hey, can I quote you for an article I'm writing?  About coming out as ace.

 

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17 minutes ago, songchick said:

Hey, can I quote you for an article I'm writing?  About coming out as ace.

 

Sure, go ahead :3

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14 minutes ago, Marcin said:

Sure, go ahead :3

yay

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Ok: coming out is scary, because when I do, I'm like "oh shit, I put myself in a box that I can't get myself out of.  I used the wrong label, I'm not ace after all, aaaah."

 

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3 minutes ago, songchick said:

Ok: coming out is scary, because when I do, I'm like "oh shit, I put myself in a box that I can't get myself out of.  I used the wrong label, I'm not ace after all, aaaah."

 

You are demi, so I'm wondering why do you even need to put yourself in that box? It's not enough to just tell your potential partners that sex is an option, just not straight away? 😺

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Yea, that's how I've been operating 100% of the time.

I just told a friend because I'm writing this article about coming out as Ace, aaah

 

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I remember reading an article written by an LGBT scientist. "I am a scientist first, and an LGBT second." She was out about being gay, but she wanted that just to be background acknowledgement, and not interfere with her main focus in life. She wasn't in the closet, but she wasn't proclaiming it either. That could be enough too: wearing a black ring or a rainbow pin is enough to be out, but not out in front.

 

I hope one day we can achieve that level of security to say, "I'm not heteronormative, and that's okay."

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I recently came out to family and want to say you are absolutely right for the most part. It was a disaster and now I actually feel like I need to be closeted around them. I think it can be freeing depending on who you tell (I'm out to some friends and that has been good) but definitely know your audience.

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17 hours ago, Moonman said:

Why should anybody change the manner in which they express themselves once they know you are asexual?

Parents about wanting grandbabies and who are trying to set you up with their friends' kids.

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AceMissBehaving

I’m out publicly. Being ace is something that influences the work I create and it’s been satisfying to have that last puzzle piece filled so people can correctly read some of the things I create.

 

I feel closer to my friends being able to voice my honest thoughts when talking about sex and relationships. Making jokes back and forth about it makes

it feel less “othering” too.

 

Most importantly I’m out for visibility. When I was younger it would have meant a lot to see people who felt like I did out in the world. I’m lucky in that I can be open, supported, and have a platform so I want to use that privilege for something.

 

Honestly for me it’s been the most freeing thing I’ve ever done.

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21 hours ago, songchick said:

...an article I'm writing?  About coming out as ace.

I'm confused about why you're going to write an article about coming out as an ace, when you're, apparently, demisexual. Personally, I'd never write an article about "coming out as a demisexual" because, since I haven't experienced sexual attraction to others, I can't exactly relate to what their experiences are like.

 

As an ace, I'm concerned about how it might portray asexuals. There are aces who've mentioned that their coming-out experiences felt great for them, put them more at ease because they felt it'd been a huge secret they'd had to hide from their family or friends, so if an article were written about how coming out as an asexual is no big deal, I'm just concerned that it'd bolster the opinion of those who aren't ace that aces "don't experience any oppression," that they're "just like heterosexuals in society, so shouldn't be considered a part of the LGBT+ umbrella."

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1 minute ago, InquisitivePhilosopher said:

I'm confused about why you're going to write an article about coming out as an ace, when you're, apparently, demisexual. Personally, I'd never write an article about "coming out as a demisexual" because, since I haven't experienced sexual attraction to others, I can't exactly relate to what their experiences are like.

 

As an ace, I'm concerned about how it might portray asexuals. There are aces who've mentioned that their coming-out experiences felt great for them, put them more at ease, so if an article were written about how coming out as an asexual is no big deal, I'm just concerned that it'd bolster the opinion of those who aren't ace that aces "don't experience any oppression," that they're "just like heterosexuals in society, so shouldn't be considered a part of the LGBT+ umbrella."

Thanks for voicing these concerns.  Maybe focusing on demisexuality would be better, given that I know about it best.  I can just share my own story as is, without having it represent the community.

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1 hour ago, songchick said:

Thanks for voicing these concerns.  Maybe focusing on demisexuality would be better, given that I know about it best.  I can just share my own story as is, without having it represent the community.

@songchick your articles and shares here help me explain a lot of stuff to my friends both from this community and the Aphantasia community, if you are able to write an article specifically about being Demisexual this too will be a help.

 

I am not sure if I have showed you this thread before but today I was looking over it and I thought of you

 

I hope this is helpful

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Yeah I haven't told anyone, I don't see what it would accomplish, other than cause problems in case someone doesn't take it the right way.  I'm not embarrassed about it or anything like that but I don't see any real upside while there's a potential down side.  Occasionally I wear a black ring but I think most people don't know what it means anyway.  And I don't wear it a lot because there's the downside of someone mistakenly thinking it means I'm swinger, which I'm sorry is really disgusting to me.

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On 9/8/2019 at 12:49 PM, AceMissBehaving said:

I’m out publicly. Being ace is something that influences the work I create and it’s been satisfying to have that last puzzle piece filled so people can correctly read some of the things I create.

 

I feel closer to my friends being able to voice my honest thoughts when talking about sex and relationships. Making jokes back and forth about it makes

it feel less “othering” too.

 

Most importantly I’m out for visibility. When I was younger it would have meant a lot to see people who felt like I did out in the world. I’m lucky in that I can be open, supported, and have a platform so I want to use that privilege for something.

 

Honestly for me it’s been the most freeing thing I’ve ever done.

Yes to all of that ^^^^^^

Being out to my friends (not to my family yet, still working on that) was very freeing for me as I felt like I didn't have to act the expected heteronormative way around them anymore, and I just felt better altogether: I could be me "me", not me "straight me". 

Of course it doesn't change my life overnight, but it was still important to me.

Visibility was also a big thing. It wouldn't have taken me this long to realize I was ace (and struggling with it) if I had had anyone to look to, and if I can be that person to someone, then it'll be more than worth it.

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