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Yuliyasa

Need to vent: why can't sexual better understand ppl who are asexual and demisexual and people with lower desires

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Yuliyasa

  Hello to anyone who happens to read this. I am just sort of using this post as a way to not keep on bottling this up inside really and hoping by writing this out that I will let go and leave this part of my past in the past too. Just hoping that by complaining about one particular thing I don't end up ranting about all the things I thought that went completely wrong and weird. Anyways, I'll get to the main point here.

  About a few months ago, a relationship of mine ended and my ex and I decided we are grown up mature adults and we are therefore going to remain friends (but for the most part in my whole dating history I have always stayed friends with almost all of my exes). Basically, I am able to completely separate the relationship and the friendship so even when I happen to think about something emotionally hurtful I don't really associate that with my friend so to say, but rather luckily I am able to associate that with only the relationship time I had with that person for basically I guess its like after a relationship is over its as if those are two different ppl: " one was someone I thought maybe could be my forever love" and then the other "just a good friend". This relationship was all honest and I was open about my preferences and before I got into it I thought I really knew what it'd be like, but oh boy was I wrong. 

  The whole reason for this post is that I need to vent about one of the most hurtful things I think my ex have said such as when he had complained that we would spend so much time on dinners or movies, but that the intimate time would never even compare. It had really hurt my feelings now I realize considering how open I was about how much I don't enjoy nor get anything out of "sexy time" (as some might call intimacy whichever name one uses). Basically, I had always been open with him on what a thin line I am at between being asexual and a demi and in fact maybe I am both in some ways which he had always made sure to tell me that he doesn't think I am. Really, I am a grown woman and definitely been so honest to even explain to him what is too much to me and what's not, where I can compromise and where I can't. Anyways, I am ranting about it now, months and months later because I don't think he had ever even listened to my response in regards to how I felt about him saying that because honestly with him or any of my previous loves (for soon enough I will be a middle aged woman therefore I have the life experience as a proof that I am very close to knowing myself pretty well). In a way, I almost feel as if I had to suffer for  being that honest yet of course, honesty was supposed to be the best part of that relationship and it was what both of us preferred over the mysterious ways that our modern world normally likes to operate in dating. I am just really pissed about this and a couple of other things, but I am glad I don't really feel mad at him (as long as he doesn't try to ever pursue anything that crosses the line of friendship between us) because to me first of, I always kept feeling like not enough time was spent on working (the best part of that relationship was that we were both into being partners on a lot of projects), secondly, the time that two people in love get to relax together had always been one of the most important and beautiful parts of any good relationship I had ever had; however, I guess that the asexual part of me speaking what I mean by that is things like eating together or watching something we both enjoy or going out on walks with pretty views. I never enjoyed getting those things mixed up with the sexual aspects that sexual people consider normal to be just a part of their leisure time. I guess I had always thought its like throwing work in the middle of your chill time and to me also as a romantic person it always seemed as something that kills the romance, metaphorically speaking its as if a trigger had been pulled and had damaged everything beautiful that had ever existed between me and that person. Now don't get me wrong, in all my previous relationships, in fact in my previous marriage, cuddling and hand holding even kissing I could still consider beautiful, but just not anything past that. And yeah, I guess I am just one of those rigid people as my last ex probably thinks anyways who does not believe that friends do these things. I am one of those people who has to have a relationship in order to feel ok with physical contact such as anything even as light as some ppl think as hand holding. I truly believe that it should be special. Anyways, I didn't mean to get into such great wicked detail here, but I guess I just couldn't help myself. I truly just needed to get this off my chest and I didn't really feel like spoiling my creative work by having these feelings having any influence on anything creative that I have to do. If you have read my whole post it must be because you somehow can relate, but if not and you still read my whole post wow I guess you deserve a badge of patience. I really just wanted to make sure I don't stay away too long from this site and I guess I thought I'd use my need to rant to pop in here. Have a lovely day!

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Nowhere Girl
21 minutes ago, Yuliyasa said:

It had really hurt my feelings now I realize considering how open I was about how much I don't enjoy nor get anything out of "sexy time" (as some might call intimacy whichever name one uses).

JUst to make it clear: "intimacy" doesn't equal "sex". I'm not criticising you, in fact you might find this remark quite in line with your own thoughts: I really dislike it when the word "intimacy" is used as an euphemism for sex. It automatically suggestst that sex is the only form of intimacy, that people who don't have sex also don't experience intimacy...

A conversation, for example, can be very intimate too. In fact, it's an unhealthy relationship if the only form of intimacy shared by partners is sex...

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Grey-Ace Ventura
3 hours ago, Nowhere Girl said:

In fact, it's an unhealthy relationship if the only form of intimacy shared by partners is sex...

I think if the partners don't want other kinds of intimacy and agree that sex is all they want, it could be healthy, as long as they both communicate that.

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SithGirl

Holy wall of text. Made it through though, and I'm sorry your ex seems so disbelieving of your feelings after the fact. At least you're no longer together.

 

And to answer the question in the title, I'm pretty sure most sexual people can't understand because they are around sexual things and people so often, they don't understand what it's like for someone to want none of that. Even the sexuals I know with fairly low sex drives would still be happy and not turn down sex unless it was interrupting something important (that is, sex with a partner/loved one, not just a random stranger). That's why asexuals try using the "opposite" orientation to explain it to people. i.e. "Imagine a man wanting to have sex with you" (to a straight man). 

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Yuliyasa

Thx to all who have replied and could relate. I just really wanted to vent to help me deal and stop me from feeling the way I was feeling and it did the trick pretty much by writing this out I was able to completely get it out of my head. So yay! I do just want to clarify that I have always used the word intimacy as something that can relate to anything that people see as being closer to the other person and in fact I have never really used the word intimacy to mean sex or even foreplay for that matter. As far as people with lower sex drives go, I just wish there were more of them but sometimes I think sadly some try really hard to hide that because of how overrated sex is portrayed in out society.

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