Sensual or Romantic attraction, is there a difference?

[Randomconfused]

I'm getting kind of confused about sensual vs. romantic attraction. Is there a difference? Can you have sensual attraction without romantic attraction?

[Iam9man]

The way I experience it, sensual attraction always follows romantic or aesthetic attraction, but I see no logical reason why you couldn’t feel it on its own.

 

I describe these forms of attraction as follows:

 

Romantic - Having romantic feelings for someone; e.g. a crush or falling in love 

 

Aesthetic - Finding someone visually attractive or appealing

 

Sensual - Desiring close non-sexual physical contact with someone, such as hugging, cuddling, kissing, or holding hands

[Slice of Ace]

I've definitely felt sensual and romantic attraction separately, though they are normally interchangeable for me. Haha, it actually made me feel really a-slutty to want to kiss and cuddle a guy without wanting to date him 😂

[SithLord]

I'm not very sensual, so sensual attraction needs to come with some intense feelings. Like I don't even generally hug my family except rarely, I at most hold hands with my best friends or in situations like navigating a crowd, and the only one I want to cuddle/kiss/etc. is my bf and it took a while before I actually desired and longed for those things. It's how I know I'm actually sensually attracted at all since I desire it and feel it's absence. 

 

But I know people who long to be cuddled, held, etc. without needing the romance. People have been known to be skin-starved and there are places or sites that will hook you up with a cuddle partner that's 100% not romantic, only sensual.

 

Basically, they're often combined but not necessarily. 

[Yuliyasa]

I think I always saw sensual as touch related and romantic as more of wondering if that's the person who could possibly be your soulmate type of deal so romantic being a whole lot more emotional than sensual. I think most of the time at least for me I feel those things are closely related and together, but I am sure there are people out there and maybe instances in my own life where its separate. Exception to every rule as they say sometimes

[kiaroskuro]

3 hours ago, Iam9man said:

The way I experience it, sensual attraction always follows romantic or aesthetic attraction, but I see no logical reason why you couldn’t feel it on its own.

The weird thing about interpersonal attraction, the way I experience it, is that it doesn't really follow the rules of logic. That's probably why, even though I've gained a lot of insight - especially here on AVEN - I'm still fairly confused about many things related to attraction/orientation.

[banana monkey]

7 hours ago, Iam9man said:

 

I describe these forms of attraction as follows:

 

Romantic - Having romantic feelings for someone; e.g. a crush or falling in love 

 

 

and how are "romantic feelings" defined?? 

 

(I think thats why everyone has trouble defining romantic attraction because they dont know/are unsure what romantic feelings are.) 

[Alawyn-Aebt]

12 minutes ago, banana monkey said:

and how are "romantic feelings" defined?? 

 

(I think thats why everyone has trouble defining romantic attraction because they dont know/are unsure what romantic feelings are.) 

Firstly, people are trying to define romance on AVEN continually, so read around on some other threads to get other definitions besides purely what people will respond to you here with.

 

Secondly, as someone who has experienced romantic feelings I can say I definitely know what it is. But it can be hard to explain, much like explaining what sexual attraction feels like or what the colour yellow looks like. Everyone experiences things a bit differently also meaning some things that certain people experience romantically cannot be linked to everyone. To try to keep on topic I will not be directly trying to define romance here, but just look around on other threads and you can find many definitions tailored to how individual people experience it.

 

Anyways back on topic:

7 hours ago, Randomconfused said:

Can you have sensual attraction without romantic attraction?

I personally have never felt sensual attraction without romantic attraction, but in theory (and in the practice of others) yes one can have sensual attraction without romantic attraction. 

[Iam9man]

35 minutes ago, banana monkey said:

and how are "romantic feelings" defined?? 

 

(I think thats why everyone has trouble defining romantic attraction because they dont know/are unsure what romantic feelings are.) 

Not sure how they’re defined but happy to explain how they feel to me:

 

When I experience romantic attraction I just want to spend time close to someone and when I’m not with them I feel empty. It also makes me feel happy when they’re around and sort of positively energised. I can also feel my energy go a bit “jumpy”; I guess similar to nerves before public speaking, but in a positive way. Finally I feel a sort of warmth in my heart area (possibly related to the “jumpy” feeling) which gets warmer if I’m next to the person 😊

[Moon6Shadow]

8 hours ago, Randomconfused said:

I'm getting kind of confused about sensual vs. romantic attraction. Is there a difference? Can you have sensual attraction without romantic attraction?

Okay so 'sensual' could be considered a type of sexual attraction since it's 'physical' so if you're using the split model and viewing romantic attraction and sexual attraction as two separate things, yes there is a difference.

 

So sensual could be used to refer to how comfortable you are with 'physical' acts with other people eg. someone may not want to have sex but they may still like kisses, hugging etc so they could call themselves '-sensual' eg. bisensual instead of bisexual

 

You can find more about 'sensual' and other forms of attraction on the AVEN Wiki under Attraction.

 

8 hours ago, Randomconfused said:

Can you have sensual attraction without romantic attraction?

Is this a random question or an example? If so you may want to look up platonic and aromantic: (spoiler for length)

 

https://aromantic.wikia.org/wiki/Platonic

 

Quote

Platonic is a word with many meanings. In the aromantic community, platonic is commonly used to denote feelings or relationships which are not romantic in nature, such as friendships.

https://aromantic.wikia.org/wiki/Aromantic

Quote

Aromantic (or Aro) is a romantic orientation on the aromantic spectrum. Some reasons for identifying as aromantic can include disinterest in romantic relationships, an absence of romantic attraction, or aversion to romance.

or grey romantic.

Another term you might be interested in is '-alterous':
https://aromantic.wikia.org/wiki/Alterous

Quote

Alterous is described as neither being (entirely/completely) platonic nor romantic, & is an attraction best described as wanting emotional closeness without necessarily being (at all or entirely) platonic &/or romantic, & is used in the place of -romantic or -platonic (so say bi-alterous instead of bi-romantic).

 

Someone can be both alterous & romantic &/or platonic & can have varying degrees on attraction, ultimately feel discomfort / unease / or just a sense of inaccuracy in calling it wholly romantic or platonic.

and

https://aromantic.wikia.org/wiki/Queerplatonic

Quote

Queerplatonic relationship ("QPR") or queerplatonic partnership ("QPP"), sometimes also referred to as quasiplatonic relationships or partnerships, are umbrella terms to indicate that a relationship defies the divide between romantic partnership and "just" friends. Queerplatonic has been used to describe feelings and relationships of either/both a nonromantic or ambiguously-romantic nature, in order to express that they break one or more social norms for relationships.

[Firefly8]

22 hours ago, Randomconfused said:

Can you have sensual attraction without romantic attraction?

Definitely, just like you can have aesthetic attraction without either.
I'll probably turn down someone that wants to date, but I'll probably agree to someone that wants to kiss/hug.

[Lunala]

Sensual - You want to do things like hugging, kissing etc. Basically affectionate physical contact that isn't sexual.

Romantic - You desire a romantic relationship because you find them attractive.

Aesthetic - You think they are nice to look at.

 

For me personally, I don't experience romantic attraction, I am panaesthetic/pansensual. For a long time I got sensual attraction and romantic attraction mixed up.

[banana monkey]

On 9/7/2019 at 3:04 PM, Aebt said:

Firstly, people are trying to define romance on AVEN continually, so read around on some other threads to get other definitions besides purely what people will respond to you here with.

 

Secondly, as someone who has experienced romantic feelings I can say I definitely know what it is. But it can be hard to explain, much like explaining what sexual attraction feels like or what the colour yellow looks like. Everyone experiences things a bit differently also meaning some things that certain people experience romantically cannot be linked to everyone. To try to keep on topic I will not be directly trying to define romance here, but just look around on other threads and you can find many definitions tailored to how individual people experience it.

 

 

That was kind of my point - the definition I am9man used was not really specific enough to answer the OP's question and everyone seems to experience romantic feelings differently making it really difficult to know what they are (hence the many attempts on aven which I knew existed) therefore its kind of a problem to use something that cannot be defined clearly  to define something else. Some people only have sensual attraction when they have romantic attraction others can get romantic attraction without sensual for example. I was trying to get people to think critically by asking the question. I am9man has responded as best they can now so I have a more specific answer, however, lunala's definition may be more useful to me. 

[Alawyn-Aebt]

5 hours ago, banana monkey said:

That was kind of my point - the definition Iam9man used was not really specific enough to answer the OP's question and everyone seems to experience romantic feelings differently

But that very fact, the fact people experience romance differently, precludes anyone from finding a common definition that can answer your question you asked, "How are 'romantic feelings' defined??". Iam9man's definition is great for them, it is how they experience it. Lunala's definition could also be used, as that is how they comprehend romance, although (being aromantic) they do not experience it.

 

Do you want me to define romance for myself? I did not originally because the original poster did not ask what is romance but rather asked the difference between sensual and romantic attraction (which Iam9man gave the differences between the two for them) and asked if you can experience them separately, which has also been answered. My point in responding to you originally was mainly to say, 1) people always try to define romance on here and if you want there are plenty of threads devoted solely to that and 2) despite your claim that:

On 9/7/2019 at 9:43 AM, banana monkey said:

everyone has trouble defining romantic attraction because they dont know/are unsure what romantic feelings are

I can definitely say not everyone is confused by romance. I know it when I feel it. Even though I may be unable to convey it into a universal definition that holds correct for all people, I am not confused by it.

What exactly was/is your intention with quoting me just now? I am trying to find the point you are trying to make and I am struggling to find one, would you tell me please?

[Xstatic]

On 9/7/2019 at 1:25 AM, Iam9man said:

The way I experience it, sensual attraction always follows romantic or aesthetic attraction, but I see no logical reason why you couldn’t feel it on its own.

 

I describe these forms of attraction as follows:

 

Romantic - Having romantic feelings for someone; e.g. a crush or falling in love 

 

Aesthetic - Finding someone visually attractive or appealing

 

Sensual - Desiring close non-sexual physical contact with someone, such as hugging, cuddling, kissing, or holding hands

*Ding ding ding*

 

That's it!!

 

My boyfriend is ace/aro with strong sensual attraction.  Though I would say that a crush isn't necessarily romantic, falling in love definitely is.  He totally crushed on me beforehand...but that never equated to falling in love.  That distinction is why I believe wholeheartedly that he is aromantic.

 

Though everyone is different.

[Sally]

Sensual attraction = wanting to be near someone physically

 

Romantic attraction = wanting to be with someone as a person, thinking about them frequently, feeling they are extremely important to you

[Randomconfused]

Thanks everyone this has cleared things up a little. It's hard for me to tell if I have a lot of sensual attraction because I've always thought that cuddling and kissing and such is only for romantic relationships which is probably why I am wondering if you can have sensual attraction without romantic attraction. (I wrote this at 3 am sorry if it doesn't make sense lol)

[banana monkey]

On 9/9/2019 at 1:29 AM, Aebt said:

But that very fact, the fact people experience romance differently, precludes anyone from finding a common definition that can answer your question you asked, "How are 'romantic feelings' defined??". Iam9man's definition is great for them, it is how they experience it. Lunala's definition could also be used, as that is how they comprehend romance, although (being aromantic) they do not experience it.

 

Do you want me to define romance for myself? I did not originally because the original poster did not ask what is romance but rather asked the difference between sensual and romantic attraction (which Iam9man gave the differences between the two for them) and asked if you can experience them separately, which has also been answered. My point in responding to you originally was mainly to say, 1) people always try to define romance on here and if you want there are plenty of threads devoted solely to that and 2) despite your claim that:

I can definitely say not everyone is confused by romance. I know it when I feel it. Even though I may be unable to convey it into a universal definition that holds correct for all people, I am not confused by it.

What exactly was/is your intention with quoting me just now? I am trying to find the point you are trying to make and I am struggling to find one, would you tell me please?

 I quoted you to try and answer your response to me. My original point was that you cant really define romantic attraction by romantic feelings (as Iam9man did) because they are different for everyone and so it was difficult to understand what I am 9 man was saying without there response. Like you said, it appears both questions have now been answered anyway so my post obviously diverted from the topic so I shall now leave. 

 

Maybe "everyone" was the wrong word to use, I think I meant most people on Aven, (which it seems is also wrong) I stand corrected thank you. I seemed to forget that other people clearly have very different experiences with romantic feelings than I do. I am very confused by them and cannot define them  (or romantic attraction sometimes) at all which is why is probably why I asked people to be more specific in the first place - to help my understanding - using the term romantic feelings to define romantic attraction did not help me understand at all because my next question was what are those to you? 

[Alawyn-Aebt]

4 hours ago, banana monkey said:

I seemed to forget that other people clearly have very different experiences with romantic feelings than I do.

Don't worry about it; nearly everyone forgets at least sometimes that the experiences of others do not always match their own. There are times on here I have nearly posted something deeply offensive because I had forgot to account that not everyone experiences what I experience, and vice versa.

4 hours ago, banana monkey said:

using the term romantic feelings to define romantic attraction did not help me understand at all

I completely agree, defining romance this way is the explanation version of the circular reasoning fallacy. I can be confused by how some people define romance, and I know I experience at least some form of romance, for all the aromantics and others out there I see how confusing it can be. I personally have trouble understanding Lunala's definition, "Romantic - You desire a romantic relationship because you find them attractive", since it raises the question: attractive in what way? It works fine for them but for this heteromantic asexual it leaves me more confused than before.

[banana monkey]

19 hours ago, Aebt said:

defining romance this way is the explanation version of the circular reasoning fallacy. I

I think that is where i tripped up. Its not really logical so my mind has real trouble accepting things when its not logical.  Even though having now thought about what you have said, I realise we are dealing with human feelings which are often not logical. 

[BeakLove]

Sensual/Sexual/Aesthetic attraction all basically are ways of being physically attracted to someone. Romantic is getting at the "falling in love", desiring enmeshment, being infatuated, etc. 

 

I think it's plainly clear you can be physically attracted to someone without being romantically-inclined. 

 

The opposite is probably also true but even for asexuals some degree of physical attraction (sensual) is usually a prerequisite for romantic feelings developing, just like non-asexuals require sexual attraction before they can feel that intense emotional connection. 

[Ringmaster04]

On 9/9/2019 at 4:12 AM, Randomconfused said:

Thanks everyone this has cleared things up a little. It's hard for me to tell if I have a lot of sensual attraction because I've always thought that cuddling and kissing and such is only for romantic relationships which is probably why I am wondering if you can have sensual attraction without romantic attraction. (I wrote this at 3 am sorry if it doesn't make sense lol)

Some of the best thoughts come out at 3am 🙂

 

We all experience them differently (if at all), but I see it this way:

 

I see a guy - do I: think he's cute (aesthetic); start thinking / desiring dating / getting to know him (romantic); start thinking about cuddling, holding hands, etc (sensual).

 

And I've experienced each individually, and every possible combination, so it really just depends on how you are perceiving the other person at that point in time. That said, you could analyze this stuff about yourself for days, weeks, or years, but in the end, you really just want to pursue what's going to make you happy, so you don't really have to define it, just let your heart and mind take you where they want to go.

[Twisted Tempest]

I misread the title originally, so I apologise. I've edited the comment with a better response. 

 

It's a tough one to define honestly as I'm quite inexperienced. I've only experienced what I assume to be romantic attraction once, and currently am still working through that. But basically, I can be 'huggy' towards any one of my friends. But theres only one person who gives me the butterfly feeling, who I would happily spend my life with kind of thing. I don't know if that makes any sense at all. 

[In_Omnia_Paratus]

So as someone who's super sensual and also romantic as an asexual, and someone who's examined the shit out of it because of societal expectation relating to sensual/sexual stuff, I have had moments of sensual frustration while being fulfilled romantically/emotionally. They are separate needs. I can compromise one in pursuit of the other. Though my sensual needs are most prevalent when I'm in romantic love with a person, there is a difference in the feeling of romantic compulsion vs. Sensual compulsion in a romantic context... does that make sense?

 

Like I'm compelled by my romantic affection for someone to hang on their every word, or analyze the laugh lines on their face and that romantic fulfillment is like a glowing sort of swelling feeling in my chest.

 

The compulsion to want to also be sensually intimate/in contact with that person--though adjacent--is yearned for and fulfilled separately. Like my hands are the things that want to do the touching or whatever and that's where the relief or satisfaction is therefore felt.  Might be babbling. Dunno.

[Guest]

I have had sensual and romantic attractions separately. 

 

There was a man at my old work place and aesthetically he was gorgeous. But all I wanted to know is "what would it be like to be held and cuddled by a man like that?" but it also made me wonder what kind of person he was. Fit and healthy? Sure he was a gym bunny, but I think I would want to know someone in a closer way that just catching a glimpse of him everytime he walks through the office. 

 

And Romantic attraction would be my most recent ex. He wasn't much of a looker but I didn't care! He was so kind and sweet and would text me often saying how much he wanted to see me. It was lovely, but we ended up being on completely different wavelengths, we were interested in the same things except when we weren't and holding a lengthy conversation was impossible. He often wouldn't listen to what I said and I would find myself dumbing myself down for him. I guess I was just too smart for him. That and the fact he was sexual and I wasn't didn't really help either. I tried it to make him happy but it was just uncomfortable for me. 

 

We're still sort of friends though. Which is good.