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DamianThomas

I came out as ace to my mom and it was a horrible mistake.

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DamianThomas

Well, I guess I should have known better. I came out via an email I had kept in my draft folder for the better part of a year. I'll keep this brief because I am too pissed to really write details.

At first she was all "oh I love you, it doesn't matter what you are" blah blah. Thought it was going well. Long story short, it wasn't.

 

She seems particularly triggered by my ace ring. Like all: "Why do you have to advertise?" "What will people at work think?" You're not GAY are you?" And just goes on and on about it and won't stop till a fight is provoked. She suggests I start therapy, make sure this isn't some underlying issue. She got very...huffy...to think asexuality falls under the LGBT umbrella. Now, she's a pretty homophobic person. Like the type who will vote for gay marriage to be legal and be nice to gay people to their faces but act overly disgusted to simply see a gay couple do normal relationship things on tv. 

 

And she hijacks the convo to again attack me for my decision to have sterilization surgery, which she fails to comprehend was something I wanted regardless of being in a relationship or not. I can't get it through her fat skull that women's rights in this country are under siege, and being childfree I didn't want any chance of becoming pregnant. Coming from a country where rape victims who miscarry getting accused of aborting and receiving draconian prison sentences, you'd think she'd get the idea.

 

And she wonders why I don't trust her. I should have just let her keep thinking I was a perpetual loner (which I am, but ace on top of that).

 

We are very prone to fighting with each other, and what I thought would be a non issue has only made things so much worse. She basically wants me to be closeted (literally all I do about being ace is wear the black ring and occasionally meet up in an ace support group) about being ace and rages at me for not bending to her will.

 

I honestly hate her. And the bad news is, we live together because she has some health issues and often needs me to drive her places. And she gets mad and tells me to move when she's mad, as if she doesn't need my help to afford the place 🙄 Maybe I'll just take her up on that offer soon enough.

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thequietplace

*Hugs* DamianThomas  sorry to hear all that, it definitely does sound like a difficult situation. I don't have any answers obviously but just remember, you aren't the only one who is ace and others are here to support you. Sure others will do a more eloquent job of  mentioned that but just want to say it too. We're here for you.🤗

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BooksAndTea

You have my sympathies, it sounds like an awful experience! *sends virtual hug* 

Like @thequietplace , I am certain someone with more eloquence will come around to do the sentiment proper justice in better words: you aren't in it all alone, we are here for you. *sends another hug*

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bare_trees

You would think that someone would be kinder when they depend on someone, but humans often don't make sense that way.  I'm so sorry.  It almost sounds like she thought she was ok with everything...until she thought about all of it some more and then realized she didn't really understand it and started assuming what in her mind is the worst case scenario.  I don't know if it helps, but it sounds like it's not coming from a place of malice, but ignorance and fear for you.  I know the result is still the same for you--undue stress and frustration.  I'm so sorry you were brave enough to come out and be yourself and she wasn't accepting. ❤️

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MiffKeks
1 hour ago, DamianThomas said:

I honestly hate her. And the bad news is, we live together because she has some health issues and often needs me to drive her places. And she gets mad and tells me to move when she's mad, as if she doesn't need my help to afford the place 🙄 Maybe I'll just take her up on that offer soon enough.

That sounds like a good plan to be honest. I'm sure I'll just be annoying to bring it up: Prepare well though. In the sense of: where to go, find a trustworthy estate agent, maybe ask friends to stay with them for the transition and so on and so forth.

If she makes you feel bad and angry regularly, it can only help to get a "healthy distance". It doesn't mean that contact has to be ceased but I'm sure you catch my meaning.

Hug? 🤗

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KrysLost

admittedly i'd move out and leave her to die but do what works

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Philip027

If you already knew she was homophobic, then yeah, can't see how you thought this would have been a good idea.

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Dawning

What an ugly experience, I'm so sorry! Like most parents, your mother was probably hoping for grandchildren, and both asexuality and sterilization surgery are things that would prevent that. Even if she hasn't specifically brought that up yet, be ready for it! She may also be concerned that you might be stigmatized for being different… and she would be right, you probably WILL be stigmatized by some people, that's just something that we have to live with. She might feel like you have rejected her, your family, and your culture by being different; that's not what you've done, of course, but you can see how she might feel like that. She might feel betrayed that you didn't tell her this earlier, in other words that you have kept a secret from her. She might not understand, she might think that you're making a choice about your orientation, and be angry that you have made a choice that she thinks is terrible. 

 

And yes, of course, some part of this might be that she's not a very good person, but she 's still your mom. Can I share with you some wisdom that I gained the hard way? Even a mom that you don't get along with and who isn't a very good person is still your mom. I learned that when my mother passed away. I know it's tempting, but please don't try to just remove her from your life… I wish I had the years back that my mother and I wasted having virtually no contact. Best of luck to you with this unhappy situation!

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Laplace

Man, this sounds borderline if not outright abusive 😰. I hope you don’t allow your mom’s criticism and rejection to take you down. My dad doesn’t have an extremely positive attitude towards LGBT stuff but he tolerates it and doesn’t make a huge fuss over it, and he is totally okay with people deciding to sterilize themselves cause he had an operation after my brother was born cause he knew he didn’t want anymore children. Wish people could just leave asexuality be; it’s like the most harmless orientation 😅.

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Chamomile_Serenity

Why'd you tell her?

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MiffKeks
16 hours ago, Dawning said:

What an ugly experience, I'm so sorry! Like most parents, your mother was probably hoping for grandchildren, and both asexuality and sterilization surgery are things that would prevent that. Even if she hasn't specifically brought that up yet, be ready for it! She may also be concerned that you might be stigmatized for being different… and she would be right, you probably WILL be stigmatized by some people, that's just something that we have to live with. She might feel like you have rejected her, your family, and your culture by being different; that's not what you've done, of course, but you can see how she might feel like that. She might feel betrayed that you didn't tell her this earlier, in other words that you have kept a secret from her. She might not understand, she might think that you're making a choice about your orientation, and be angry that you have made a choice that she thinks is terrible. 

 

And yes, of course, some part of this might be that she's not a very good person, but she 's still your mom. Can I share with you some wisdom that I gained the hard way? Even a mom that you don't get along with and who isn't a very good person is still your mom. I learned that when my mother passed away. I know it's tempting, but please don't try to just remove her from your life… I wish I had the years back that my mother and I wasted having virtually no contact. Best of luck to you with this unhappy situation!

I agree with most of this but, yeah the infamous "but", please don't play the card "it's your mom". People who have listened to this kind of call have ruined their own lives because of that. If it helps healing old wounds to cut off contact to their parents then this is the best someone can do. If I have learned one thing from life then it's clinging to someone that's bad to you only makes you suffer and waist the short time that you have on earth. We cannot always try to be understanding and show compassion when next to nothing comes back. Why staying with someone who you're always fighting with and that makes you feel broken if can be around people that don't make you go through that instead?

 

One big problem that we face is the expectation that a child has to be forgiving just because that one person pressed them out between their legs in the past. If we're unlucky then they've shown us that we don't deserve to be loved which makes life incredibly more difficult. How should they have "earned" OUR love then?

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Dawning

I can sense your anger and pain, even though I can't see your face or hear your tone of voice, and for years I felt the same as you did… and then my mother died. It's not about whether or not your mother has earned your love, it's not about whether you owe her anything, and it's not about what % of what she has said or done is good or bad… she's still your mom. As human beings, we have biological programming for attachment to our closest family members. Yes, like with everything else, there are people that are immune, but don't base how you live your life on the expectation that you will be that very rare exception. I'm old enough that all of my friends have lost at least one parent, and what I've said holds true no matter what we felt about our parents when they were alive, or how little contact we had chosen to have with them. I'm not telling you this to benefit your mother, I'm telling you this to benefit YOU. This isn't about being understanding or compassionate, or about how you can maximize your joy in life right now, it's so that you don't spend the rest of your life after your mother passes away wishing you had mended your fences and spent more time with her. 

 

As soon as you are able, you need to forgive her, not for her sake, but for YOUR sake!

 

“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.” —Lewis B. Smedes

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DamianThomas
On 9/6/2019 at 11:08 PM, Chamomile_Serenity said:

Why'd you tell her?

I figured I should explain why I stopped dating (and I hardly did so to begin with). I honestly thought she was under the impression I was a repressed lesbian or something. 

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DamianThomas
6 hours ago, Dawning said:

I can sense your anger and pain, even though I can't see your face or hear your tone of voice, and for years I felt the same as you did… and then my mother died. It's not about whether or not your mother has earned your love, it's not about whether you owe her anything, and it's not about what % of what she has said or done is good or bad… she's still your mom. As human beings, we have biological programming for attachment to our closest family members. Yes, like with everything else, there are people that are immune, but don't base how you live your life on the expectation that you will be that very rare exception. I'm old enough that all of my friends have lost at least one parent, and what I've said holds true no matter what we felt about our parents when they were alive, or how little contact we had chosen to have with them. I'm not telling you this to benefit your mother, I'm telling you this to benefit YOU. This isn't about being understanding or compassionate, or about how you can maximize your joy in life right now, it's so that you don't spend the rest of your life after your mother passes away wishing you had mended your fences and spent more time with her. 

 

As soon as you are able, you need to forgive her, not for her sake, but for YOUR sake!

 

“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.” —Lewis B. Smedes

Oh please, ease up on the forgiveness fascism. There is little I deplore more than all the BS about forgiveness, how people like you push it as mandatory or necessary in order to function.

 

No one NEEDS to forgive anyone. Forgiveness is basically doing nothing but fooling yourself into thinking otherwise. If it works for you, fine. But don't push it on others.

 

Also: 

How the concept of forgiveness is used to gaslight women

https://medium.com/@kingsophiesworld/how-the-concept-of-forgiveness-is-used-to-gaslight-women-8d6e4a04e07e

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DamianThomas
On 9/6/2019 at 6:41 PM, Philip027 said:

If you already knew she was homophobic, then yeah, can't see how you thought this would have been a good idea.

Well I didn't exactly predict she's also be hostile to simply not having sex...lol...and I had the impression she might be thinking I was a repressed lesbian as an explanation to my lack of a love life.  

 

Kinda glad that I didn't mention being lithromatic at least. She might have had a stroke.

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DamianThomas
On 9/6/2019 at 4:29 PM, KrysLost said:

admittedly i'd move out and leave her to die but do what works

I don't mind the thought, unfortunately my lease isn't up until April 2020 and I really love my current building (location is just amazing too)...so for those reasons I'm stuck.

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Dawning
28 minutes ago, DamianThomas said:

Oh please, ease up on the forgiveness fascism. There is little I deplore more than all the BS about forgiveness, how people like you push it as mandatory or necessary in order to function.

 

No one NEEDS to forgive anyone. Forgiveness is basically doing nothing but fooling yourself into thinking otherwise. If it works for you, fine. But don't push it on others.

 

Also: 

How the concept of forgiveness is used to gaslight women

https://medium.com/@kingsophiesworld/how-the-concept-of-forgiveness-is-used-to-gaslight-women-8d6e4a04e07e

You have responded to compassion, kindness, and an honest attempt to help you and save you from further pain by being  ungrateful and ungracious, and hurling false accusations. Please consider how your attitude is part of your problems... as is your inability to tell the difference between what I have suggested and the nonsense in that article. I have placed you on ignore.

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DamianThomas
17 minutes ago, Dawning said:

You have responded to compassion, kindness, and an honest attempt to help you and save you from further pain by being  ungrateful and ungracious, and hurling false accusations. Please consider how your attitude is part of your problems... as is your inability to tell the difference between what I have suggested and the nonsense in that article. I have placed you on ignore.

Actually I responded to preachiness and thinly veiled self righteous snobbery, which is quite worse than no help. You mostly seem to be projecting your personal issues on my situation. If this is your norm I should probably do myself a favor and ignore you too. 

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Tzeentch, Changer of Ways

@DamianThomas

I'm so sorry that your mother did that to you. I want to offer you whatever kind of support I am able to give. Based on my personal experience, it's a horrible feeling when the people closest to you are the ones who cause you the most emotional pain. I think that you are being reasonable with your mother. It looks like you are the one taking care of her. She really seems to be taking that for granted. Some of the most painful memories I have are of arguments at home that should never have happened in the first place.  If you want to talk then my inbox is open. 

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Philip027
On 9/6/2019 at 8:46 PM, Dawning said:

Even a mom that you don't get along with and who isn't a very good person is still your mom.

Just being a mom doesn't mean you get a free pass on being an asshole.  If you think it does, please don't become a parent.

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Asroco

@DamianThomas Your anger is completely justified. Her relying on you without even showing you some basic humanity is unreasonable. The best thing for those types of people is indifference, the mere fact that they no longer occupy your thoughts.

 

You mentioned that you came out through email. If you don't mind me asking: Why did email seem like the best option for you, rather than telling her face-to-face? What made you hesitate to send it before, and why send it now?

 

I just want to make sure you're not angry at yourself for feeling like it was a good idea at the time. I think we all want to suspend disbelief about someone until they remind us why we were skeptical in the first place. It's especially true when regarding the supposed love of a parent, which shouldn't be a lot to ask for anyway.

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Chamomile_Serenity
On 9/8/2019 at 1:37 AM, DamianThomas said:

I figured I should explain why I stopped dating (and I hardly did so to begin with). I honestly thought she was under the impression I was a repressed lesbian or something. 

Ah! Understood. I have a lot of thoughts around this but based on your post however, I think you simply want to feel your feelings and have us hold space for them, correct? If so, I think your reaction is perfectly normal. I even think that your "should have known better" is normal. We live and we learn. It's ok. Now you know. You have a community here that sees your identity as valid. As long as you believe you are valid too, that's what really matters.

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crazy ace
On 9/6/2019 at 1:16 PM, DamianThomas said:

Like the type who will vote for gay marriage to be legal and be nice to gay people to their faces but act overly disgusted to simply see a gay couple do normal relationship things on tv.

Uggh.

Seriously though, considering the rest of the post, you should probably do what you're thinking. That sounds really painful. If you can, I'd advise that you maybe express to her how you feel about what she's doing, because that might help a little. Sorry if this post is useless.

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Nidwin

Ouch, that clearly didn't went well.

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