Do You Feel Closeted?

[Piece Biscuit]

Only to the people that have yet to ask me about my pantry. 

[Firefly8]

9 minutes ago, will123 said:

@Firefly8

 

I imagine I would get a crappy response from my family too, but I'm not living my life any differently than I feel like.

It's not a matter of living life differently. It's just disclosing information or not. Good for you that you feel that way. I hope you never experience any kind of coming out like I did.

[dancingeologist]

I tend to be more closeted about being aro than about being ace. I think in part it is because I originally came out as a lesbian and am a cis-gender woman with a masculine gender expression (ie butch). I found a place in the queer community and when people think I'm a homoromantic ace I don't get challenged about belonging in the community. I feel like if I was more open about being aro there is a possibility I could be left without any community since I don't fit into heteronormative society and I don't know any other aro ace people in real life.

[RosyLeo]

4 hours ago, will123 said:

On a side note, I wonder if our use of the phrase 'coming out' as asexuals is because to us telling others is as emotional to us as what homosexuals must feel when telling others that they not straight but in fact gay or lesbian?

It's different for everyone I think.  Some people are excited to find a term that fits them and can tell people relatively easily.  I've mentioned this before, but I had/have a harder time accepting my asexuality than I did accepting that I was attracted to men, and I think this makes it more difficult for me to tell people.  The first person to whom I came out was my friend who had originally suggested that I might be asexual several years prior, and I full on cried after texting her.  I told another friend in person and it was difficult for me to even get the words out to him.  All this to say that for some people, this is an emotionally charged subject which involves years of self-doubt and wondering where you belong.  This makes coming out, for me at least, more an act of self-acceptance and wanting that to be confirmed, understood, and accepted by the people you trust, in spite of what I said earlier that doing so doesn't result in any substantive changes to my behavior.

 

This is not to say that one cannot accept oneself without coming out.  As some people cited, coming out in their current situation or to certain people would just cause problems.  I have my reasons for not telling my parents, and so far I've only come out to people whom I really trusted.

 

Hopefully some of that made sense, I really should be asleep and the more I think about this the worse it gets so I'll just stop...

[Chef Remy]

I am going to say, Yes.

I wear an asexual ring, and have a small asexual flag magnet on my car. But no one has ever asked me about why I wear a black ring on my middle finger at work or when I got out. And have march with an asexual group at a pride parade twos in a row.

When I was at university I did not have a desire or interest in sex or understood why other guys found girls “hot”. Same in the military. Never lied about not having sex. But people just assumed I was not a virgin.

I have told most of my close female friends but not many of my guy friends. I just don’t think guys would understand or not believe in asexuality.

I don’t hide that fact I am asexual but do not broadcast either. It’s not like being gay, lesbian, bi, or pan in same ways. But it is different than being straight or allo. So yes people do need to accept themselves and come-out to them selfs.

 There have been times when I do what to tell people I am asexual when they talk about dating, sex, or ask why I am single. And what more advocacy for it. Though it is more known now and accepted.

And will add think it is hard for male then females to admit and come out as asexual.

So to answer the question, I would say, No. I am not really out. I am comfortable with myself. But think people would not accept that asexuality is real or ask dumb questions about being asexual

[will123]

11 hours ago, Firefly8 said:

It's not a matter of living life differently. It's just disclosing information or not. Good for you that you feel that way. I hope you never experience any kind of coming out like I did.

Yes! I've told those friends that I feel comfortable coming out to. Either long term female friends or people that have commented on my lack of a girlfriend (in a good way).

 

I don't feel that broadcasting my asexuality to the world would be a positive development.

[will123]

10 hours ago, t. Ro said:

It's different for everyone I think.  Some people are excited to find a term that fits them and can tell people relatively easily.  I've mentioned this before, but I had/have a harder time accepting my asexuality than I did accepting that I was attracted to men, and I think this makes it more difficult for me to tell people.  The first person to whom I came out was my friend who had originally suggested that I might be asexual several years prior, and I full on cried after texting her.  I told another friend in person and it was difficult for me to even get the words out to him.  All this to say that for some people, this is an emotionally charged subject which involves years of self-doubt and wondering where you belong.  This makes coming out, for me at least, more an act of self-acceptance and wanting that to be confirmed, understood, and accepted by the people you trust, in spite of what I said earlier that doing so doesn't result in any substantive changes to my behavior.

 

This is not to say that one cannot accept oneself without coming out.  As some people cited, coming out in their current situation or to certain people would just cause problems.  I have my reasons for not telling my parents, and so far I've only come out to people whom I really trusted.

 

Hopefully some of that made sense, I really should be asleep and the more I think about this the worse it gets so I'll just stop...

As much as I easily identified as asexual (and quite content knowing I was ace), it took me 12 years before I came out.

 

I'm sorry you broke down after texting your friend that you were asexual. When I decided to tell my male friend (my first coming out) I was terrified that I'd start to cry (make that break down and sob) during my 'announcement'. As it was I got thru telling him and explaining what asexuality was without any crying. However I was emotionally spent and didn't have it in me to explain to him why and how I identified as such. I told him I would discuss that at a later date.  Turns out that happened a year later and went relatively well.

 

Subsequent to this coming out, when I've told people the initial comment (picking a spot to mention it and saying) have been it has been a nervous moment for me but the conversation following has been relatively easy. I guess getting 'it' out is a big relief and everything else is easy.

[will123]

14 hours ago, Chef Remy said:

I have told most of my close female friends but not many of my guy friends. I just don’t think guys would understand or not believe in asexuality. I don’t hide that fact I am asexual but do not broadcast either. It’s not like being gay, lesbian, bi, or pan in same ways. But it is different than being straight or allo. 

 

And will add think it is hard for male then females to admit and come out as asexual.

 

I am comfortable with myself. But think people would not accept that asexuality is real or ask dumb questions about being asexual

Let's try this again (I tried to post a reply this morning and lost it...

 

For what ever reason I’ve felt more at ease telling female friends as opposed to male friends that I’m asexual. That being said I only have two maybe three more people that I’d feel comfortable or need to tell. The person I’m not sure of is a childhood friend that I’ve known since Grade 2. About 20 years ago (before I knew I was asexual) his wife asked me why I didn’t have a girlfriend. I gave her an excuse, she’s one person I’d like to tell.

 

As much as people can’t understand/disapprove of ‘non-straight sex’, the fact that some of us have NO interest in sex, is even more puzzling to them.

 

Yes, with society being so consumed with sex, I’ll agree that males are probably reluctant to identify, let alone come out as asexual. If not a ‘sexual’ male, a guy could think he  would be considered to be a failure.

 

If there was more awareness of asexuality (all most people would know of around here is LGBT) maybe I’d be interested in telling more…

 

[will123]

Great responses to my question. Reading thru them and thinking about what you've posted, I guess I could say that I was partially in the closet. I'm not comfortable in having the whole world know that I'm asexual (and by extension, aromantic), but happy that I can tell my close friends how things are with me. 

 

Thanks for taking the time to answer