Do You Feel Closeted?

[will123]

I'm starting a separate thread as the topic is buried in the Incredible Ace Moments thread.

 

@Arodash 

Quote

Since we all like cake so much when we come out as asexual should we like instead of calling it coming out of the closet as coming out of the pantry?

 

No I've never felt that I was in the closet before I started 'coming out' to friends. Here's my explanation, I've never changed my behaviour due to my asexuality. My take on being in the closet is that gay or lesbians may conduct themselves in public to appear 'straight' when in fact their sexual and/or romantic attraction is in fact not. I've never made up stories about sex to sound experienced (I'm a virgin) and if I'm discussing female friends, I emphasize that we're just friends and not in a relationship.

[maybeimamazed]

I feel closeted as aro, not ace (because what I do behind closed doors is something I can keep hidden and people don't usually bring up, due to how personal it is).

 

But my aromanticism is something I do hide, by trying to diverge any conversation from gearing towards romantic relationships. Because then I'm in the precarious position of having to say "Eh... I don't... want one".

[Karst]

I'm pretty open about being aro/ace, except in situations where it really isn't relevant.

[HonoraryJedi]

I don't feel closeted, and never did. I think you're given a good explanation of why that is. Even when I don't specifically bring it up, and even when I didn't know what asexuality or aromanticism was, I never tried to hide my disinterest in getting into a relationship. So I suppose that is why telling people I am ace/aro never felt like a proper coming out. Was never really hiding in the first place.

[will123]

4 minutes ago, HonoraryJedi said:

So I suppose that is why telling people I am ace/aro never felt like a proper coming out. Was never really hiding in the first place.

In my case I was probably hiding my asexuality from the first person I came out to. He was always talking about sex and suggesting I sign up for dating sites. I just told him I was 'busy'...

 

The other friends I've told MAY have wondered why I never had a 'steady' girlfriend.

[Chris Zulas]

not myself no, but the again im a very open book, maybe too much so, and anyone whose ever asked got a straight answer (or, ya know, lol)

[Philip027]

Not in the least.

[Iam9man]

I feel closeted, as only my closest friends know.

 

I’ve volunteered to be my company’s LGBTQ+ group’s ace “rep”, so that should see to that! 🤣

[RosyLeo]

I've always been open about my lack of interest in sex or relationships even before I identified as ace, so I don't feel closeted in that I'm hiding something.  However, many people still don't know what asexuality is and believe that everyone is sexual.  People ask me if I have a girlfriend, point out guys and ask if I would "hit that", etc.  Many times I don't feel like getting into the whole thing in a public setting (i.e. noisy bar or communal lunch table) so I just say I'm not interested.  I have explicitly told some trusted friends that I identify as asexual.

 

I previously identified as gay and coming out to my family was a painful and messy process (even though I had never claimed to be straight).  It took a while but they've come a long way and seem to be supportive of queer identities now.  My sister knows I currently identify more as asexual, but I'm not sure if my parents would understand.  Like I said, I don't hide anything: I've never had a boyfriend or girlfriend, we've had discussions about how I don't understand people's fascination with sex, I've mentioned that my plans for the future don't include (but don't exclude) a life partner.  So nothing about me would change by telling them I identify differently now, I just kind of worry about the reaction I would get - general disbelief or telling me things like: you are too young to know that about yourself, wait until you are older, I don't know how I feel about this, and I wish you weren't - which are all direct quotes from when I came out as gay.  Maybe I'm not giving them enough credit at this point and they'd be totally cool.  Idk.

 

Anyway, it is my opinion that no one should be assuming things about other people's sexuality.  Although I don't go around telling everyone I'm asexual, I'm open about my feelings and desires, or lack thereof.  If anyone has a wrong idea about me, that is purely their fault.

[rainbowocollie]

I feel more closeted for my biromanticism than for my general lack of interest in romance/sex. I can't speak publicly on LGBT issues without risking outing myself.

[Junia123]

I used to before I realized I was and began to self-identify as ACE.  Similar stuff to what I've heard from other ACEs - making up random "crushes" on a person just to seem "normal", despite having no actual interest in them, forcing myself to go on typical dating sites just so I could claim that I had at least "tried" to my friends.  Stuff like that.  Needless to say, it has been a pretty big sigh of relief to be able to put a stop to that!

[Lord Jade Cross]

Considering all the shit people have given me to points in which I acted as though I was interested in someone to get people off my back, I think the "dont ask dont tell" mentality (yes I know thats predominatly used for gays but Im using it) is the best way to go. 

[GlamRocker]

I do. My husband is the only one who knows how I identify and everyone else assumes I'm a sexual person. I do nothing to stop them from assuming this because it's not worth the trouble.

 

But I'm assumed to be someone totally different than I am. I'm very comfortable with sex talk, I listen to people's sex stories all of the time, they always want to tell me about their sex lives. I don't mind, I like to listen to people and give them support. I also join in on trash talk. It's a fun, sometimes even challenging, social game that I actually enjoy. It's probably the primary way I socialize. But as trash talk goes, half of the time it qualifies as sexual harassment. I sometimes like joining in on, "Who's hot?" conversations, because I experience aesthetic and romantic attraction to others and feel that this is just as good/valid as sexual attraction, so my "crushes" count for these discussions! Even though it does feel a little dishonest because I don't mean quite what they mean by it.

 

People do notice there's something different about me. They make the craziest comments, trying to feel me out, fishing for my reactions. I've been called "pure," asked if I was gay, even told I "must be an animal in bed." None of this bothers me very much, but I do feel like there's a big part of me no one can or will or even wants to understand.

[ColeHW34]

I'm making sure no one knows about it.

If it leaks out, then I'd have to deal with a lot of backlash from a lot of my family members.

So i have to stay closeted.

[Anthracite_Impreza]

I'm closeted about being objectum, not ace, thus I have to pretend to also be aro (despite being hella romantic).

[Duke Memphis]

I feel like I'm half in, half out.

[DuskFire]

My parents know as well as my friends but I don't think my extended family would understand so yeah I guess I'm still somewhat closested.

[SkeletonCat]

25 minutes ago, GlamRocker said:

I do. My husband is the only one who knows how I identify and everyone else assumes I'm a sexual person. I do nothing to stop them from assuming this because it's not worth the trouble.

Same here. I also experience aesthetic and romantic attraction, so conversationally, it's pretty easy for me to join in on discussions of "hot" people, and I'm married to a man, so I'm pretty straight-presenting. I don't say I feel closeted to jump on an oppression band wagon, just that part of my life experience - the part I show to you all here on this forum - is something I can't express to all but one of the most important people in my life and that's a sad thing to me. 

[kenny.]

i don't know... i guess i do feel a little bit closeted, of course, not in the same way as some other people are. i agree with what several people have already mentioned, and the fact that i feel closeted more because i'm aro than ace. i am not out to anyone (except the peeps on AVEN) so it can create some really lonely and awkward moments for me. i'm "straight" to everyone in my life, i probably shouldn't, but i make up stuff to make it seem that i am interested in people or that i would like to date. basically what i'm trying to say is that i don't feel like i can be myself around anyone when the topic of relationships is so prevalent.

[BooksAndTea]

Personally? no, not really. The people who matters know, I suppose. 

In terms of a broader perspective; I sort of do. Society/culture-wise I guess. It can feel like being Ace (and Aro) is something to keep to yourself, because nobody understands, it is not culturally accepted in the same way as the various variants of allosexuality is. (Though it totally should be!)

 

People know what gay is, they know what bisexual is, but asexuality is weird and foreign to them. It is not spoken of, viewed and showcased as normal. It can feel quite like it is better to keep it to yourself and the select few, keep it in the closet and pantry so to speak - for "just be normal" in the eyes of the public is so much easier on everyone else. 

 

if that even makes sense. 

[griffinej5]

I don’t think so. I’m not hiding anything or lying about anything to appear as something else. It just doesn’t come up for me very often. If it did, I don’t think I’d have any issue saying it. 

[Guest]

Definitely not.

[Snao Cone]

I'm more closeted about being ace than aro, but I'm not really closeted in the sense of outright lying. I just don't tell most people, and hardly anyone has asked.

[Homer]

Not at all. It's too insignificant to make a secret of not wanting to bang. Same goes for romance. Romance in particular... it's just not me. My folks would be shocked if I suddenly had a partner

[Comrade F&F]

Not on purpose. My immediate family knows I'm ace, but not many do besides them. I've had aunts asked my mother (with slight concern since I have no boyfriend) "Your daughter's not a lesbian, is she?" My mother explains I just have more interest in my uni than in boys, and that satisfies them. And then there's the few times I sit and silently nod when others play matchmaker. "Oh, he's a good pick for you!" or, "I saw you checking him out!" when I was looking at something else.

 

It's going to be very awkward if I ever find my SO and they turn out to be female...

 

 

[will123]

7 hours ago, GlamRocker said:

I do. My husband is the only one who knows how I identify and everyone else assumes I'm a sexual person. I do nothing to stop them from assuming this because it's not worth the trouble.

 

But I'm assumed to be someone totally different than I am. I'm very comfortable with sex talk, I listen to people's sex stories all of the time, they always want to tell me about their sex lives. I don't mind, I like to listen to people and give them support. I also join in on trash talk. It's a fun, sometimes even challenging, social game that I actually enjoy. It's probably the primary way I socialize. But as trash talk goes, half of the time it qualifies as sexual harassment. I sometimes like joining in on, "Who's hot?" conversations, because I experience aesthetic and romantic attraction to others and feel that this is just as good/valid as sexual attraction, so my "crushes" count for these discussions! Even though it does feel a little dishonest because I don't mean quite what they mean by it.

 

People do notice there's something different about me. They make the craziest comments, trying to feel me out, fishing for my reactions. I've been called "pure," asked if I was gay, even told I "must be an animal in bed." None of this bothers me very much, but I do feel like there's a big part of me no one can or will or even wants to understand.

 

6 hours ago, SkeletonCat said:

Same here. I also experience aesthetic and romantic attraction, so conversationally, it's pretty easy for me to join in on discussions of "hot" people, and I'm married to a man, so I'm pretty straight-presenting. I don't say I feel closeted to jump on an oppression band wagon, just that part of my life experience - the part I show to you all here on this forum - is something I can't express to all but one of the most important people in my life and that's a sad thing to me. 

Prior to telling my male friends that I was asexual, quite often we'd comment on a female's attractiveness. Since then I may notice a woman when I'm with them that catches my eye, but I'll keep my thoughts to myself. If they say something to me (I didn't try to explain aesthetic attraction to the friend I most recently told) about a girl's (fill in the blank) I'll just say yes and leave it at that.

 

On a side note, I wonder if our use of the phrase 'coming out' as asexuals is because to us telling others is as emotional to us as what homosexuals must feel when telling others that they not straight but in fact gay or lesbian?

[rainbowocollie]

Some of my male co-workers were talking about finding women attractive recently. I was just like "ah, so people do talk about this stuff like that, interesting"

[Chamomile_Serenity]

12 hours ago, brehasolo said:

because what I do behind closed doors is something I can keep hidden and people don't usually bring up, due to how personal it is)

This is why I don't feel closeted. Even when I had no clue what asexuality was, I was already a private person about my relationships. I don't believe everything is everyone's business. However, if someone called me out or asked me about it I wouldn't care that they knew nor would I deny it. If someone brought up a convo about orientations I would share mine as well.

[Firefly8]

Yes. It's nobody's business and I want to avoid any negativity. My family aren't very understanding of anyone different. They're very fundamentalist types. I came out to them before as atheist and it was very ugly. Because of that I went right back into my closets for good. Once you've been burned to your core by the most important person in your life you don't want to put either of you in that position again. If someone I trust will be an ally honestly asks me I will tell them, but I've learned the hard way to hide these kind of differences otherwise. 

[will123]

@Firefly8

 

I imagine I would get a crappy response from my family too, but I'm not living my life any differently than I feel like.