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Arukei

Why are you here?

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Arukei

*crouches low with ears flattened in apologie*

I'm sorry Ghosts, I'll go try to find the sweet through sour. I'll give it another chance, I promise. I'll just wait untill I have some ice cream to help me through it. :P

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ghosts

::dances::

Yayyyyy!!

::offers you some ice cream::

And of course, some :cake: to go with it. ;) :P

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sonofzeal

Heh, I can't believe I haven't posted here, given that I'm probably the poster child for this thread, but I can't figure out what to say....

As a sexual who came to this forum in the first place because of a relationship with an asexual, I kinda know what you're talking about. I stayed, not because that relationship worked out (I'm actually in a different one now with a girl I met on this forum, and are responsible for the spreading of twee that ghosts referred to.

In response to your origional question, I've stayed here out of a number of reasons - I like the people here, I want to understand asexuality better, and I want to do what I can to help people who come on her and are hurting, although I often don't have the emotional energy to do that effectively and end up killing time in JFF instead. Does that help?

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Arukei
::dances::

Yayyyyy!!

::offers you some ice cream::

And of course, some :cake: to go with it. ;) :P

YESSS !!! cake and ice cream for dinner, who could ask for more?? :D :D

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susieblue
I try to go through life doing the right thing in any given situation. There are few things that I've done that i am truly ashamed of. My wife and I still have sex on occasion even though she's asexual. And needless to say looking through the threads in "asexuals who have had sex" actually made me feel deep shame for what I had been asking. The last time it came up, she actually offered. For a while I didn't know what to do. I felt that it was totaly selfish of me to have sex with her and I told her so. And her response was that if we never had sex again that it would be just as selfish or her..... That was an incredible relief. My asking seems to be the hardest part for her, so I think we've reached a new phase in our compromise. I'm going to try to stop asking, and she'll probably offer twice a month or so. Neither one of us are selfish enough to go to one side or the other. So I guess we'll wait and see how long this agreement works.

I am walking the same complicated road as you Arikei. My asexual husband and I have the same agreement as you and your wife. Same reasons, same feelings. Nobody wants to be selfish, everybody wants to attend to each others needs.

I am here to find out if the lack of sex can be balanced out in a relationship. I am not sure how, but there must be an answer. I am looking for these answers by reading posts of asexuals. There must be something they are feeling, that we sexuals don't. Most of the Asexuals here are content with how they are. I am avoiding the new "coming out" posts, but I "investigate" these asexuals that have been around here for a while that have understanding for us sexuals. I read their posts every day, sometimes for an hour or so. Every time I get off the computer I've learned something new. I can't really pinpoint what it is, but I feel better every day. That's the main thing. If I feel good about it, my husband won't be so depressed. I am helping both of us with being on AVEN.

I went to a sexless marriages forum. But that was soooo depressing. I was able to relate to everybody there. No mind boggeling whatsoever. It's like reading the same over and over again. Dragged me down even more.

AVEN is different, I will stay here as long as I need to.

I gained a lot of understanding. Understanding of not just asexuality, but me, myself and I as well. :wink:

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starrysky
All I know is that if my wife would have held something back I would just understand less. Granted we've only been married just short of two years now but it's been long enough to make me believe that telling your spouce the whole story, to the best of your ability, leaving nothing out, is a strength. I would never keep or hide something like this from her. To me that would be living a facade.

From your post it seems like you were happier when you did understand less. My husband already knows I don't like sex and it hurts. Does he really need to be thinking, "my wife said she'd rather be doing the laundry than having sex" or "hmmm I wonder if this part makes her want to throw up" while we're having sex? It's bad enough that we don't do it as much as other people do, do I really need to ruin the sex he does manage to get? There is no point to such brutal honesty--all it will do is hurt his feelings and take away the happy feelings from something he enjoys, but it won't change anything. There's no positives to it, only negatives.

When I got married 7 years ago, there was no such thing as an asexual, only people who hadn't tried it enough or hadn't found the right person yet. I was not asexual, I was just waiting for someone to tell me what was wrong with me, so it could be fixed. Nothing has changed except I know what the label is now, and I know there's a reason why the fixes I tried didn't change me. What's the point of saying I have a label now, especially when a lot of people still believe there is no label and asexuals just haven't found the right 'fix' yet?

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Orbit
From your post it seems like you were happier when you did understand less. My husband already knows I don't like sex and it hurts. Does he really need to be thinking, "my wife said she'd rather be doing the laundry than having sex" or "hmmm I wonder if this part makes her want to throw up" while we're having sex? It's bad enough that we don't do it as much as other people do, do I really need to ruin the sex he does manage to get? There is no point to such brutal honesty--all it will do is hurt his feelings and take away the happy feelings from something he enjoys, but it won't change anything. There's no positives to it, only negatives.

Because I'm not you or your husband I can't guess what's going on in your mind or what your husband would think when you told him... but this is how it worked for us...

When I told my husband, it was a relief because he now knew my lack of interest had nothing to do with him... and it could not be fixed. HOWEVER I wasn't just honest and made him deal - I also have put forth a great deal of effort to let him know I love him and the reason why I have sex with him is because of that love - it's not pity, it's not begrudgingly and it's not something he should feel guilty or bad about.

He is much more sensitive to me about sex now, and doesn't take it personally if it takes a long time for me to initiate (I do all the initiating so that I'll never feel pressure- pressure makes me cringe). But at the same time I look for times when I can because I know he is being patient and understanding.

Sure he would like me to enjoy it as much as he does, and to want him the way he wants me, and it does make him sad at times... but because he knows I love him, and I'm willing and open to have sex because of that, he is able to recieve that gift I give him and is very, very grateful for the open and honest relationship we have with each other about it.

The point is for us that sex is just not an issue anymore.

As I said, I don't know how your husband would respond, but I think your reasoning is off to apply your situation to mean NOBODY should share their asexuality with their SO.

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Arukei

Thanx susieblue. .... Just thanx.

And two :cake::cake: for Orbit for finding that damn nail and smacking the living daylights out if it right on the top. :P

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susieblue
When I told my husband, it was a relief because he now knew my lack of interest had nothing to do with him... I also have put forth a great deal of effort to let him know I love him and the reason why I have sex with him is because of that love - it's not pity, it's not begrudgingly and it's not something he should feel guilty or bad about.

Orbit, when I found out about the possibility of my husband being asexual, it was a relief to me, just like for your husband. The most hurtful thing in a mixed relationship, from a sexual point of view, is the lack of interest in one. My husband is making also a great effort in showing me how much he loves me. That feels really good. His initiating sex, feels like pity to me. But now, that you've wrote that , I weigh it as another way of him showing he loves me. Strange, that I have not thought like that before.

He is much more sensitive to me about sex now,
I am also much more sensitive to him about sex. This is so strange how different we humans all are, and then we connect like this. Seems like our souls are working the same way.
The point is for us that sex is just not an issue anymore.

I assume it will take my husband and I many years to be that far. I wonder if your husband thinks the same? If my husband would ask me if sex is an issue between us, I can not imagen saying NO at one point in my life.

Well thanks Orbit, your words helped me. I was always better at understanding, when I was able to put myself into someone elses shoes.

Arukei, you are very welcome and I really hope you and your wife will have a wonderful marriage. Lately I have been thinking that a marriage between an asexual and a sexual is much more deeper in a way. Because we actually sit down and think about our partners, our marriage and how we can better ourselfs. I can not think about a couple in my circle, where she or he would try to understand the other in depth. But on the other hand, I am not talking to anybody about my inner conflicts I am having right now.

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Orbit

I'm so glad it has helped to hear my POV... it's heart breaking to me to think of people who love each other and aren't able to find a way to express or receive from each other.

My husband doesn't have time to post here, so I asked him over IM if he thought sex was still an issue, and this is what my he said:

not nearly as much as it used to be i think we've compromised pretty well... it's not perfect all the time, but it's so much better than it used to be... I don't think of it really as a 'problem' either. There are times when i wish it were a little different or more frequent, but in general, it's been better. You've really made a concious effort, I think to be aware

so - I would take that to mean that I'm probably not the tigress that he'd fantasize about, but he knows I love him, and that's what's important in the long run.

Though we were working on our relationship and the sex issue well before I found out about asexuality a year ago, we really made leaps and bounds after that.

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susieblue

I am starting to find new ways to be able to express my love and have a better understanding of receiving his love. Since my revelation of asexuality I am starting to see things differently. It's like getting to know him from a different perspective.

Sex for me, is a way of showing how much I love a man, sexual intimacy could not be topped with anything else, it was special. Well, was.......

I lost all that self blaming baggage I was carrying around for so long. I finally know it's not my fault. And that makes me feel so free in my thinking.

I also feel, that I put all that baggage on him now. He can not deal with the fact of being labeled like this.

I just wish he would talk to me about his feelings. He's so depressed. He thinks he can change things with will power alone, I guess.

I do not know how to help him.

You think he's so because he's a man?

Orbit, you said that your husband is very grateful for the open and honest relationship. My God, I would be too. I envy that. If my husband would just open up and be honest, I think I could deal with a lot of things better. He said he is not ashamed to talk about it, he just does not know what to say. ........

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starrysky
As I said, I don't know how your husband would respond, but I think your reasoning is off to apply your situation to mean NOBODY should share their asexuality with their SO.

None of my posts have been about anyone but myself and what I should do. Arukei started off talking about what all spouses/significant others of asexuals should do--my replies have only discussed me and my husband. My husband is insecure, anxious and has low self-esteem, he doesn't need anything else to make him feel worse about himself.

As for whether or not sex is still an issue, it will always be one for me because I hate it. If I tell him everything I've ever thought about sex, I'm still going to hate it. No conversation can change not liking a physical sensation. So nothing is going to change from the way things are right now... there's nothing to be gained from such a conversation except for my husband to think "wow I knew she never liked sex, but I never knew I was making her feel that bad. Now I feel like a jerk for wanting to have sex with her, but I still want to have sex. What a jerk I am for wanting to do something that makes her feel bad."

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sunset
I simply don't understand why more asexual people can't do this and instead seem to selfishly set down the law of 'NO SEX EVER AGAIN!' - when their partner is so willing to work at doing their part for loves sake.

It's just not the way it always have to be - it's just the easier path for the asexual... and most people here seem to support the easier path, even if it ends a relationship where two people love each other.

You know, it's not that easy for some of us. For instance, when early trauma is involved, sex can feel like another trauma. Even when it wasn't, I don't think everyone can just change their sexual orientation. I'm glad you can compromise, but we're not all like you.

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Elizabeth I
There are some rather contradictory opinions regarding sex in the market. .

What does that mean, Mara? I'm not sure I undersand what market you are referring to.

As you don't have a partner, why would you want to seek treatment to increase your libido? It's more practical if it's dormant till you run into the right person again, isn't it? .

Dormant? LOL "Dormant" and "practical" are probably not terms I would ever use to relate my romantic inclinations!

Actually, I wasn't seeking treatment to increase my libido, I Thought my lack of libido may have been a symptom of something more serious. Oddly however, that was pretty much the response that I got from my GP and my ob/gyn. Why worry about it if you aren't even married? Now if I were a MAN with no libido.....

But your response surprises me. Do you really think it would be fair for me to develop a long-term romantic relationship with a sexual man and then go seek "treatment" afterward? Do you know of any man my age who would even invest (emotionally)in such a relationship?

Not very likely, unless... he was an asexual man! But I have never MET an asexual man. I only know they exist because of the men on this website, and most are much younger than me. There is only one man I know of on the website who is my age and lives in the US, and he is the non-romantic non-relationship type.

Although I do have sexual needs, whether I have a partner or not, I don't feel like having sex with just "someone", I would find that rather repulsive. There are many people, of both sexes, who I think are just great people and would make great friends but who I would never consider as potential sex candidates.

You see this is where you and I are so very different! I don't have sexual "needs" at all. I like romance, and I enjoy getting to know someone. I don't seperate new acquaintences into "potential sex candidates" and "potential great friends" because I don't have enough information to decide whether I could love someone or not untill I know them pretty well.

I feel that a partner should be a very good friend BEFORE they are anything else, and that takes time, for me anyway. Many would say at my age I don't HAVE time.

It just feels wrong any other way to me.

Lizzie

.

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starrysky
I simply don't understand why more asexual people can't do this and instead seem to selfishly set down the law of 'NO SEX EVER AGAIN!' - when their partner is so willing to work at doing their part for loves sake.

I don't remember seeing this post before until someone replied to it, but I can easily understand why someone would say no sex ever again. Every day I think how long it's been since the last time, has it been too long, how long until it's been too long? I think we'll do it tonight, then I lose my nerve after dreading it half the day, then it all starts over the next day until we do it, which generally hurts so bad it feels like being stabbed in a most sensitive area. Then I feel queasy and disgusted with myself for a day, but thank goodness it's over and I can stop dreading it. Every time I tell myself I just can't do it again, that has to be the last time, until I get over it and work up my nerve again. It's a constant roller coaster I would love to get off of and it's been going on for years. If this is what other asexuals are experiencing I can completely understand why they'd say never again.

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MaraKarina

Lizzie,

by "in the market" I meant existing. I'm not an English native speaker and though I know the language pretty well, sometimes I just mess up. Sorry if it was not clear.

I had understood your previous post to the extent that you in fact do have a libido when it's the right person and after you've taken your time to get to know the person. And I think that would be an ideal situation. Because I feel, having a libido and NOT being in a partnership, well it's more of a hastle than helpful.

As to "potential sex candidates" and "potential great friends" - when I meet a man I can tell you on the spot if he MAY become a sex partner (provided that he thinks the same about me and we match in other areas as well, i.e. I would still want to learn details and make a "brain" decision whether to go ahead or perhaps go for another form of relationship, if a relationship at all). Where this feeling is absent right away - and it's not there in 99+% of the time I meet someone! -, the wish to have sex with this person has never developed at a later point even when I was single and a man made advances and when I clearly knew him as a great person. In such situations I've also never felt any jealousy had these men then found another woman, quite the contrary I was looking forward to meet their new partner/extend friendship. Even in instances where my body craves for sex, sex with such a person is impossible for me. Possibly this is completely different with other people, it's just how it is with me.

And with the differing views on sex: some feel it's for marriage only, others don't necessarily wait until after marriage but do take their time to get to know someone really well before, others think it's reason to end a "relationship" if it doesn't happen on the first date.

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Parth
This is true. When I was a kid, all of a sudden, my friends went crazy, and I was like, what is wrong with you guys? Then they all started to get pregnant and drop out of school...

That's almost how I've viewed it. I remember wondering why the girls were suddenly going crazy over guys and stuff. It just seemed like a really sudden change, and then there was me who was constantly viewing everything intellectually. I knew I was supposed to be acting the same way, but it all seemed so... completely weird and unnatural!

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Placebo
I went to a sexless marriages forum. But that was soooo depressing.

I went to one of those--someone posted the link here. Not because I'm married or even dating, but I was just curious about "the other side".

It made me so depressed! I felt so bad for all of the people because they seemed so frustrated, I could feel it screaming out in the words on the page.

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ghosts

Out of curiosity, what is this sexless marriage forum you guys are talking about?

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Chiaroscuro
I can't really pinpoint what it is, but I feel better every day. That's the main thing. If I feel good about it, my husband won't be so depressed. I am helping both of us with being on AVEN.

Yes! I think it's about understanding where the sexual disconnect comes from: Sex for sexuals creates a bond, Sex for asexuals creates separation. When my wife doesn't want sex, I hear "I don't want to bond to you". When I want sex, my wife hears "I don't want to bond with you." Just understanding what the issue is takes away a lot of the threat. I feel like I'm finally dealing with reality, not my fearful imaginings.

I went to a sexless marriages forum. But that was soooo depressing. I was able to relate to everybody there. No mind boggeling whatsoever. It's like reading the same over and over again.

The sexless marriage forum was very helpful in one respect. It made me realize that I'm not alone. The problem, in the long term, is that it's an echo chamber, with everyone confirming and reconfirming their non-sexual partners' evil, alien characteristics. Like you point out, Susie, Aven offers understanding. I think EVERY partner in a mis-matched relationship should come here. Until I did, I just didn't get it.

-Chiaroscuro

PS - Ghost, the Sexless Marriage site is at http://pub15.ezboard.com/bsexlessmarriage

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ghosts
Sex for asexuals creates separation.

I think that's a generalization though- I've never felt that way regarding sex. Maybe if there was pressure on my part- like if I was in a monogamous relationship, and therefore I was the only person my partner was having sex with- but that's not the case, and I don't feel that kind of separation that others have mentioned.

So maybe, for some (not all!) asexuals like myself, it's not that sex itself creates that feeling, but the structure of the relationship that does it- ie the more constant expectation of sex.

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Chiaroscuro
Sex for asexuals creates separation.
So maybe, for some (not all!) asexuals like myself, it's not that sex itself creates that feeling, but the structure of the relationship that does it- ie the more constant expectation of sex.

Asexuality, as a concept, is extremely broad and resists generalization. Folks on Aven have a huge range of responses to sexuality, from revulsion to a mild disinterest. You are not in a monogamous relationship, so perhaps I should preface my statement with "In a monogamous relationship between asexual/sexual people..." but that's kind of unwieldy :)

I guess my point is that lack of interest in sex, on some level, seems to be a source of anxiety and disconnection in asexual/sexual relationships. If not, then I can't see how one could be defined as asexual (or your partner sexual).

-Chiaroscuro

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susieblue

Chiaroscuro wrote:

Asexuality, as a concept, is extremely broad and resists generalization

Yes, that is what I've learned here on AVEN. I try to only read the posts from asexuals that are like my husband. Like ORBIT or GHOSTS ect. KALLAN was a big help too. He sees only the person, it does not matter to him if you are asexual or sexual. He is helping like no other. I've been reading his posts as well.

CHIAROSCURO as a sexual is somebody I can relate to. I have not found a sexual that is open to both sides like him, yet. I like the fact that his wife is on AVEN as well, and they both are trying to cope with their situation, on two completely different levels. I read and re-read both of their posts, and I can imagen that both of them learn a whole lot about each others fears, wishes, anger and so forth. The compromises they make come from understanding each other more and more through reading and learning. I assume it's not all sunshine with them, but they both try, and that is so admirable. They are so dedicated to each other, their kids and marriage.

ghosts wrote:

So maybe, for some (not all!) asexuals like myself, it's not that sex itself creates that feeling (separation), but the structure of the relationship that does it- ie the more constant expectation of sex.

The more I ask for sex, the more he moves away from me. From now on I leave it up to him to initiate sex. He knows I need it for reasons he finally understood, he uses "love-drive", instead of the pure sexual horny "sex-drive" he's lacking.

My constant expectation for sex is gone. What I expect is him showing me love the way I need it. Some might say: that is sex, just gave it another name, but that's not the way I feel about it anymore. It's hard to explain.

I know what gift I should get him, I know what makes him happy and what he likes.

He always had a hard time doing the same for me. He gave me a Kitchen Aid for my 30th Birthday!!!! He never surprised me with anything romantic, like a weekend get-a-way or a picnic ect. Never...... in all these years. Now I understand why, these things are associated with Sex, romantic feelings. He can't do it. But he loves me. He has this deep true honest love for me, that I can feel every day. I would not trade that for anything.

It means the world to me when he makes love to me. This was so hard for him to understand, since he does not have "these" feelings, but he knows how to love. There are many ways to please each other. The will to please and the understanding is the key to Harmony.

Arukei, I am glad you found out about your wife's asexuality so early in your marriage. At least you know what you're dealing with. Belive me, the constant questioning WHY would have hurt you more than you know in the years to come.

I wish I would have known, so many hurtful situations, so many self blaming thoughts, so many tears could be erased from my life.

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Orbit
I simply don't understand why more asexual people can't do this and instead seem to selfishly set down the law of 'NO SEX EVER AGAIN!' - when their partner is so willing to work at doing their part for loves sake.

I don't remember seeing this post before until someone replied to it, but I can easily understand why someone would say no sex ever again. Every day I think how long it's been since the last time, has it been too long, how long until it's been too long? I think we'll do it tonight, then I lose my nerve after dreading it half the day, then it all starts over the next day until we do it, which generally hurts so bad it feels like being stabbed in a most sensitive area. Then I feel queasy and disgusted with myself for a day, but thank goodness it's over and I can stop dreading it. Every time I tell myself I just can't do it again, that has to be the last time, until I get over it and work up my nerve again. It's a constant roller coaster I would love to get off of and it's been going on for years. If this is what other asexuals are experiencing I can completely understand why they'd say never again.

Is it possible that the dishonesty and inability to share with your husband about being asexual (and whatever else you don't tell him for his own good) could contribute to your trauma?

This is why I say when I hear stuff like this I wonder if I am truly asexual. I can relate to being disgusted by sex and I have had times early in my marriage where I was angry about having to do it - but I just don't get this level of animosity about it that some asexuals seem to feel is a perminent part of who they are.

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Chiaroscuro
Is it possible that the dishonesty and inability to share with your husband about being asexual (and whatever else you don't tell him for his own good) could contribute to your trauma?

Oh, that made me wince. Starrysky doesn't need anyone pointing fingers at her for expressing her feelings. This stuff is hard enough as it is.

This is why I say when I hear stuff like this I wonder if I am truly asexual. I can relate to being disgusted by sex and I have had times early in my marriage where I was angry about having to do it - but I just don't get this level of animosity about it that some asexuals seem to feel is a perminent part of who they are.

There seems to be a wide range of what asexual means. For some (like my wife), aversion to sex is rooted in past abuse. Sex brings up all of the awfulness that the abuse did. For others, it seems to be something wired-in since birth. Some can compromise, some can't. It's not as cut and dried as the difference between homosexuality and bisexuality for example. Everyone understands the difference there. Asexuality's more difficult to define.

-Chiaroscuro

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Orbit
Is it possible that the dishonesty and inability to share with your husband about being asexual (and whatever else you don't tell him for his own good) could contribute to your trauma?

Oh, that made me wince. Starrysky doesn't need anyone pointing fingers at her for expressing her feelings. This stuff is hard enough as it is.

It was a question, not an accusation. :roll:

This thread started as a question as to if asexual/sexual relationships are hopeless or not, and it turned into a discussion as to why some can compromise and some can't. What it's turning into is possible ways to get over the 'cant's'. What's wrong with that? Aren't we here to help each other with more than sympathy?

It is true, for me at least, that the more I dwell on the icky and withdrawl from the person who loves me and bear the weight of the compromise all on my own, the more lonely and hurt and horrible I feel and the less I love my husband and blame him. But the more I share and open up and work with him, the easier it is...

Is it wrong to suggest that as a possible scenerio for others? I know I'm wierd, but am I THAT much of an oddball?

There seems to be a wide range of what asexual means. For some (like my wife), aversion to sex is rooted in past abuse. Sex brings up all of the awfulness that the abuse did. For others, it seems to be something wired-in since birth. Some can compromise, some can't. It's not as cut and dried as the difference between homosexuality and bisexuality for example. Everyone understands the difference there. Asexuality's more difficult to define.

-Chiaroscuro

Yeah, I know there are differences - and I only identify with asexuality because of the lack of attraction - but the more cases I hear of this strong aversion the more I wonder about that definition and if for many people 'asexual' is not the root of their relationship problems, but the 'aversion' is a symptom of a deeper issue unrelated and yet blamed on asexuality.

just wondering - not making any accusations...

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spinneret

almost completely off topic--

I know what gift I should get him, I know what makes him happy and what he likes.

He always had a hard time doing the same for me. He gave me a Kitchen Aid for my 30th Birthday!!!! He never surprised me with anything romantic, like a weekend get-a-way or a picnic ect. Never...... in all these years.

Aww. That may have been very well-meant--a lot of the women I know actually strongly associate KitchenAids with marriage (bridal registries, setting up a household, etc). We were even chatting about them in one of my classes today, because a student just married and is in love with her new KitchenAid, whereas our instructor is unmarried and wants one. Heck, I want one.

So, it probably wasn't completely thoughtless on his part. He may just have gotten good gift advice that didn't apply to you specifically.

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starrysky
I don't remember seeing this post before until someone replied to it, but I can easily understand why someone would say no sex ever again. Every day I think how long it's been since the last time, has it been too long, how long until it's been too long? I think we'll do it tonight, then I lose my nerve after dreading it half the day, then it all starts over the next day until we do it, which generally hurts so bad it feels like being stabbed in a most sensitive area. Then I feel queasy and disgusted with myself for a day, but thank goodness it's over and I can stop dreading it. Every time I tell myself I just can't do it again, that has to be the last time, until I get over it and work up my nerve again. It's a constant roller coaster I would love to get off of and it's been going on for years. If this is what other asexuals are experiencing I can completely understand why they'd say never again.

Is it possible that the dishonesty and inability to share with your husband about being asexual (and whatever else you don't tell him for his own good) could contribute to your trauma?

No, this is how sex has felt for me since the first time we did it nearly a decade ago, and I only heard of asexuality in January of this year, so that is not the problem. We also did marriage counseling after the doctor couldn't find anything wrong with me and said it must be in my head instead of a physical problem... after a few months of that, they said there was not much need for us to come back, because there didn't seem to be a relationship problem that was causing me not to want sex. Just like every other therapist I've seen, they asked when I stopped wanting sex and didn't seem to "get it" when I said I had never wanted it at any point in my life. They even suggested to my husband that I might want sex more if he helped clean up around the house! :roll: I guess they couldn't think of any other reason not to want sex besides me being too tired from housekeeping.

This is why I say when I hear stuff like this I wonder if I am truly asexual. I can relate to being disgusted by sex and I have had times early in my marriage where I was angry about having to do it - but I just don't get this level of animosity about it that some asexuals seem to feel is a perminent part of who they are.

I can't imagine how anyone could not feel animosity about something that causes pain and bad feelings. If your husband wanted to smash your hand with a hammer or give you a pill that made you feel sick to your stomach every week, how many weeks would that continue before you started dreading it?

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starrysky
Yeah, I know there are differences - and I only identify with asexuality because of the lack of attraction - but the more cases I hear of this strong aversion the more I wonder about that definition and if for many people 'asexual' is not the root of their relationship problems, but the 'aversion' is a symptom of a deeper issue unrelated and yet blamed on asexuality.

I can tell you that I've had YEARS of counseling, anti-depressants, whatever, that have failed to make any dent in my sexual disinterest. Every new shrink thinks they're going to be the one to solve the problem, and every one of them winds up listening to me chat about something stupid, like a person at my job who gets on my nerves, after they fail to uncover the big mystery.

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sunset
I can't imagine how anyone could not feel animosity about something that causes pain and bad feelings. If your husband wanted to smash your hand with a hammer or give you a pill that made you feel sick to your stomach every week, how many weeks would that continue before you started dreading it?

I can relate to this, starrysky. I imagine that many of the people who manage to overcome their sexual problems do not have the same level of aversion as you do. Maybe they really aren't asexual, who knows? But they have no foundation on which to judge you. They are different people in a different situation.

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