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Arukei

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I am a hetro male married to an asexual female. She discovered this after we were married. Given the title of this section there's a good chance that if you're here you are in a simular situation. But really, why are you here? If you are a sexual person why are you on this fourm?

I came here because my wife suggested it. I'm an open minded person, I'll try anything once, especially to help our relationship. But it was a mistake. She said if I came here I might learn something, that I might understand. And without thinking about it I just blindly came on in. I wouldn't recommend this fourm to anyone but asexuals or people who think they might be.

What have I learned... hmmm she doesn't want to have sex. EVER. My version of intimacy is something of the exact opposite for her... which is to say some degree of.... violation. Gee, this I already knew, or at least I knew enough.

Understanding ??? You've got to be kidding me. Seriously don't make me laugh. This is not something that any herto, or homo for that matter can understand. I can't possibly understand what it's like to be female. I can respect them... but it is a completely different prespective that I (or any male) am not capable of actually understanding. Same for hetro vs. homo. There's no way the two sides can really truely understand eachother. It is not possible in the true sence of the word "understand".

So what has this fourm done for me? It has taken my hopefull optimism and shattered it. There are too many bad endings to make this site worth while for any sexual. I never realized how badly the odds were stacked against us untill I came here. I think I was better off in what little ignorance I had left. I should not have come here. And if you're reading this and haven't been to the rest of the fourm I urge you to leave and never look back.

Communication is the key to any realationship, as long as you communicate with your choosen S.O. you will achive verying degrees of success. Every relationship has challenges, it is the nature of marrige, the essence of takeing two and making them one. You try to achive a balance. That's why opposites attract. But for those of us in our situation the news in most of the threads on this fourm is bleak and depressing. I whish you the best of luck and I hope you got to have sex with a hetro at least once before you got committed.

V/R - Arukei

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I'm sorry to hear this Arukei. It seemed like you were really able to understand. It seemed like this site had helped you. If we have made your life harder I'm very sorry. I wish you the best of luck.

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Uhhh....

Well, I'll wait for our sexual regulars to pipe up. Regarding the "never understanding" bit, well I don't know about that. People always claim that some people are incredibly different from each other, and to me it's just a way of categorizing people into different groups, and then assuming that it's impossible to understand another group that you're not in... I guess we can never understand one another completely- that goes for *anyone*, regardless if you're in a similar grouping. 'Cause everyone has different experiences.

::sighs:: I am sorry that you're having a hard time with this, Arukei, and I know many others have had a hard time as well- sexual or asexual. I think there are plenty of asexuals who have come here and have been very upset after reading that sexuals just don't always want to be in relationships with asexuals- that the best thing to do would be to end the relationship.

But you know, I'm still able to form connections with sexuals, very close ones, so I doubt that there's this inability for us to relate to each other.

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So, your sig is incorrect?

No, it's still correct. Like I said communication is key. My wife and I communicate well enough that what I needed to know I already knew. I was feeling particularly depressed afeter going through some of the "asexuals relationships" board. I might have gotten a little carried away. Stilll my point remains. And the main point is that if you are a sexual and you communicate well enough with your partner I don't think comming to this fourm is a good idea. This seems is a place for asexuals, and given the realitive rareness of it this is a great place for asexuals. I just don't think is wise for sexual partners.

But of course thats just my opinion. And given the fact that the damage has already been done I'll probably still hang around and chime in my two cents every now and then. Who knows maybe I'll still discover something that my mate was unable to describe.

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Arukei when I first read your comments I my heckles were up and then I read it again and feel for you and I feel for your partner as in the sexual side there is no solution. Communication is the name of the game and I admire you both for that. In my case when I was eight I was just like you, you fancied girls at that age propably and I fancied guys, I wanted to hold hands and play kiss chase and all the natural things. When you started growing your hormones change and there was a desire for you to have sex. I as a female Asexual is still eight with no sexual desires, to old to play kiss chase love cuddles and friendship. But when they handed out the hormone change mine never came. This is my way of trying to explain my differences between a hetro and me. Is there anyone with simiular views.

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Thanx for that Kallan. You're right that was a nice change from the "just end it" theme that I've seen soo much of. ^_^

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I'm here because I stumbled on the forum one day, and it was an interesting subject. I stayed because I liked the intelligence of the discourse, and because I like being able to give a different perspective than the prevailing one.

I don't know any asexuals, or at least they haven't told me they're asexual, so knowing about this stuff doesn't bother me in the slightest. In fact, I'm happy I know so that I have some tools for if I ever encounter a prospective asexual partner in the future.

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I'm here because a friend recently came out as asexual. It has absolutely no bearing on the friendship (sexual orientation never should!) but i got really curious about it and decided to investigate. I am sexual myself, and I think about the diverse spectrum of human sexuality A LOT, so when I found this friendly, intelligent board, I wanted to participate - learn about the 'other side' and maybe contribute a helpful sexual perspective here or there.

Arukei, good luck with your situation - I can't imagine being in your shoes, but it sounds like you're better off tha a lot of people because you and your wife are at least willing to communicate and try. That's a testament to your love for each other, and it's inspiring!

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Arukei,

Agree 100% with you - what little hopes and expectancies were still there when I came to this site were thoroughly destroyed. Learnt that my marriage is dead, revival impossible. Would I choose this knowledge if the alternative were some efforts on my husband's part to change the situation - very clearly not.

But he never made an effort and I came here hoping to find help. Which, with things as they are, came from sharing information with others in similar situations, showing me that the symptoms I had developed over the years are common in such a situation and how to deal with those, i.e. at least cope with it a little better.

The result is that I'm finally accepting things as they are. That means that our marriage is fake, only on paper and that I'm living with a great best friend. This site has clearly put an end to my hopes/illusions that our marriage is/may become again a real marriage, as it being without sex, at the very least it had needed the hope for change, or in case of sickness preventing sex both partners' wishes for change.

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God damn it!!!

I was trying to chear him up. Arukei's so great to have on AVEN. I mean I know that mixed relationships are hard and don't often end well, but...damn it...Think happy thoughts!!!

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I haven't been posting a lot lately, mostly because of that fact that even at the ripe old age of 54.....I'm not sure what my problem really is! I have been calling myself asexual since I as about 19 years old. Mostly as an answer to the question "So, what ...are you a homo or something?" that invariably followed when I declined a a lovely invitation like "Wanna f**k?" from a man I didn't know well.....or maybe didn't know at all.

I LIKE men...well sometimes I like men. I have been romantically involved with more than one man in my lifetime, and have even had some very good sexual experiences in relationships that ended badly for one reason or another. So I guess I'm not really asexual but...

I have never liked or felt compelled to participate in CASUAL sex. To me, the desire for sexual intercourse was what I always considered to be a mating instinct, and it only happened after I was deeply in love with a man and so stimulated by his presence that my body was flooded with hormones telling my brain it made perfect sense that we should become ONE and create another human life!

Pretty soppy eh? Well honestly, it's STILL how I feel. Sex is about breeding, and as humans are supposed to be so much more intelligent than the other creatures of the earth, one would think it would be SELECTIVE breeding.

At the present time, it is six years since I have had any sexual contact and I don't miss it. I do miss having a cuddle now and again and know it's unlikely I will get one.

I have mentioned my lack of libido to my GP, my gynocologist , an endocronologist and my psychologist. None of the doctors thought lack of libido should be of any concern since I didn't have a husband who "needed" to be "serviced". The psychologist, however, claimed that I "needed to learn to accept sex for what it was...a healthy natural form of excercise and stress relief!" He also claimed to be a registered sex therapist and was very interested in "providing this service"

I was actually quite shocked, and tried to laugh it off. He persisted and I FIRMLY declined. I had two pre-approved appointments that were already scheduled after that one, and was treated as if I wasn't even in the room for most of the session. He took personal calls during both 45 minute sessions that lasted 15 to 20 minutes and the rest of the time he just glared at me. This guy was supposed to be a professional. Needless to say.... I didn't schedule any more appointments there. (or with any psychologist actually)

So...while While I'm not certain that I am asexual , I 'm certainly conflicted. I have a strong aversion concerning both oral and anal sex. I don't think either practice is natural or sanitary, and is especially degrading for the "catcher". (male or female)

But I've found the membership here to be accepting and supportive of just about everyones issues. So That's why I'm here!

Lizzie

.

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Hi Lizzie,

I guess it's quite normal to want sex with very carefully selected people only, wouldn't call that asexual.

There are some rather contradictory opinions regarding sex in the market. As you don't have a partner, why would you want to seek treatment to increase your libido? It's more practical if it's dormant till you run into the right person again, isn't it?

Although I do have sexual needs, whether I have a partner or not, I don't feel like having sex with just "someone", I would find that rather repulsive. There are many people, of both sexes, who I think are just great people and would make great friends but who I would never consider as potential sex candidates.

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God damn it!!!

I was trying to chear him up. Arukei's so great to have on AVEN. I mean I know that mixed relationships are hard and don't often end well, but...damn it...Think happy thoughts!!!

Don't worry Kallan. For better or worse I'm here to stay. Let me try to rephrase a little. I love my wife dearly. Even when she first told me... I guess about a year ago, the thought of divorce never entered my mind. I don't know if it was pride, stubborness, denile, or if it was actually love. (I like to think is was) But for me quitting the relationship was never a viable option.

I try to go through life doing the right thing in any given situation. There are few things that I've done that i am truly ashamed of. My wife and I still have sex on occasion even though she's asexual. And needless to say looking through the threads in "asexuals who have had sex" actually made me feel deep shame for what I had been asking. The last time it came up, she actually offered. For a while I didn't know what to do. I felt that it was totaly selfish of me to have sex with her and I told her so. And her response was that if we never had sex again that it would be just as selfish or her..... That was an incredible relief. My asking seems to be the hardest part for her, so I think we've reached a new phase in our compromise. I'm going to try to stop asking, and she'll probably offer twice a month or so. Neither one of us are selfish enough to go to one side or the other. So I guess we'll wait and see how long this agreement works. :P :wink:

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Five reason's I'm here:

1. I've got an asexual sibling whom I like to stalk. It's not my job to figure out his sexuality for him, but he started mentioning asexual sorts of things as well as this website, and I figured I'd check it out. I want to be able to support him with his life.

2. I love the discourse here, whether about or not about sexuality. Fights are not completely unknown on AVEN, but I've never seen another Internet forum with a similar degree of maturity among the regulars, and most AVENites seem to feel the same way. Maybe this is lame, but I'm shy and hang out on the net a lot and I've come to view AVEN as one of my primary social outlets - hop in, do some discussioning here, play some games there, get my people fix.

3. The topic of asexuality is intellectually interesting to me. I am fond of information about people.

4. I'm young, and I'm still figuring out my own sexuality. I think that looking at asexuality and learning about it from the words of asexuals is helping me do that by casting a new and different light on the way that people behave in relationships. While I can't relate to everything that is experienced by asexuals, I find it enlightening to try (or to figure out why it is that I can't relate). Plus, although I'm sure I'm on the sexual side of the continuum, I think of myself as less sexual than most - or maybe just repressed and inexperienced, I'm not quite sure at the moment. My current boyfriend is in a similar boat. So it's surprising how often topics from AVEN turn out to be actually relevant. The "everyone's doing it!" mentality doesn't appeal to me.

5. Beyond the community level, AVEN is shaping up as a burgeoning grassroots social movement. At minimum, we're continuing to spread visibility and the knowledge that asexuality exists, which is helpful both for closeted asexuals and (I suspect) for sexuals. Being part of that is fun and exciting.

I can see how these reasons might not apply to you... but for me, they work beautifully.

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You know - posts like this and some of the others of asexuals in sexual relationships make me wonder if I'm REALLY asexual.

I do not experience sexual attraction yet I am married and I have sex with my husband for his sake. I am now able to do this when I choose to do it because I know he needs it and the more I do it with the understanding that this is something he needs to feel intimate the easier it is.

When I looked at it as a violation or as him just getting pleasure at my expense, or as there being something wrong with me, him or our relationship - it was TERRIBLE. I was miserable and I never wanted to do it again.

But through an attitude change and work on my part of understanding my husband's love and needs, I was able to change my POV and it changed our relationship. I simply don't understand why more asexual people can't do this and instead seem to selfishly set down the law of 'NO SEX EVER AGAIN!' - when their partner is so willing to work at doing their part for loves sake.

I'm sorry more asexuals in relationships with sexuals can't bring themselves to look at sex differently. But even more so, I am very sad that sexuals with hope come here and feel all the odds are stacked against them because Aven seems to support only the 'sexless' paradigm compromise of asexual/sexual relationship.

It's just not the way it always have to be - it's just the easier path for the asexual... and most people here seem to support the easier path, even if it ends a relationship where two people love each other.

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I agree with Orbit, that many asexuals can be rather...absolutist, in their asexuality. I see nothing wrong with this for asexuals who aren't in relationships. However for those asexuals who are already in relationships with sexuals and use asexuality as an excuse to break off the relationship without trying, it would seem to me that the relationship was bad even beyond the sexuality. I'm relatively sure that the failings of these relationships are the...fault (for lack of a better word) of both partners.

I can compromise with sex in the casual romantic relationships I have. But I think for me to have a long lasting relationship it would have to be with another asexual. In that kind of relationship I don't want either of us to ever feel unfulfilled.

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Quote: When you started growing your hormones change and there was a desire for you to have sex. I as a female Asexual is still eight with no sexual desires, to old to play kiss chase love cuddles and friendship. But when they handed out the hormone change mine never came. This is my way of trying to explain my differences between a hetro and me. Is there anyone with simiular views.

This is true. When I was a kid, all of a sudden, my friends went crazy, and I was like, what is wrong with you guys? Then they all started to get pregnant and drop out of school...

Elizabeth I, no psychologist should behave like that. That is unprofessional and unethical. If I were you I'd report that person!

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This is why I took any identifying info out of my profile, and why I hope my husband never finds this website. This is the only place where I can really say what I think and people don't think I'm nuts. I'd rather my husband not know about some things.

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The result is that I'm finally accepting things as they are. That means that our marriage is fake, only on paper and that I'm living with a great best friend. This site has clearly put an end to my hopes/illusions that our marriage is/may become again a real marriage, as it being without sex, at the very least it had needed the hope for change, or in case of sickness preventing sex both partners' wishes for change.

Well, to me it sounds like you define "real marrage" as spending their lives having sex together. And if thats what you want/need/expect out of it, then maybe it just you. Now, I can understand the hope for change, and maybe in time his thoughts about sex WILL change. But its something you have to do together.

Now, the subject of "no sex ever again" being the so called moto, I think is wrong. Sure I've seen that a few times, but what most people are saying is "you don't HAVE to have sex ever again". I really don't think thats enough. For many asexuals here (it seems) they think of sex as an attack or violaiton, and that IS something we need to help people change.

So yes, you sexuals with asexual partners need to talk and try to under stand. But its important that you help your partner understand that sex is important for you and its about showing love the best you know how.

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This is why I took any identifying info out of my profile, and why I hope my husband never finds this website. This is the only place where I can really say what I think and people don't think I'm nuts. I'd rather my husband not know about some things.

That's really spooky. Not to judge or anything, but..... hmmm how do I put this..... I'm glad you're not my wife?? I don't know, except that I don't have any secrets from my wife, and I attribute our successful compromise to our trust in eachother and our ability because of that trust to communicate fully and honestly.

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Yes

My story is a lot the same, after we got married my wife quickly lost interest in sex, she said that it was not me but her that was the problem but I did not know what to think. We separated, but I still had hope that we could work it out but without a clue. After the ABC TV spot I found this site and it did help me to understand my wife much better. Many of the sexuals on this site that have told there story’s have helped and encouraged me and did give a degree of hope. But after some time reading here and on the sexless marriage site http://p080.ezboard.com/bsexlessmarriage I began to get discouraged that my marriage was never going to be restored no mater how much I loved my wife. We are still the best of friends and enjoy each other vary much, and I think always will but we will never be an intiment married couple again. Yes I hope you and all of us can find the relationship we want and need. My wife may now be my best friend and I hope that will be a great relationship for us always, even if I find another wife for a marriage relationship.

GWL

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MrMaigo,

Although I've written this again and again in various threads, I assume you did not read those so I'll write it again, but very short only:

I don't think marriage is sex only, but I believe that sex belongs only into either marriage or at least a longterm, committed relationship. That said, my marriage is "lacking" if sex is missing. But certainly, never ever could sex only be either fulfilling nor would I want it. This is based on sex definitely not being a physical thing only. Sex - and also the lack thereof - does have an effect on all areas of the relationship, most of that clearly bonding/psychological.

The decision not to have sex is my husband's, so I cannot change it. I'd much prefer him to compromise like other asexuals do, but he doesn't. Do I get rid of him because of that? No. Do I love him less because of that? No. But it did change our relationship. And it makes me sad and it depresses lots of my energies.

To talk about it? My husband knows how I feel about it. We did talk about it. But it appears that talking about it is a nightmare for him so we talk about it as little as possible. As much as everything's been said and it doesn't change things, why talk about it over and over again, if it doesn't change things.

Mara

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This is why I took any identifying info out of my profile, and why I hope my husband never finds this website. This is the only place where I can really say what I think and people don't think I'm nuts. I'd rather my husband not know about some things.

That's really spooky. Not to judge or anything, but..... hmmm how do I put this..... I'm glad you're not my wife?? I don't know, except that I don't have any secrets from my wife, and I attribute our successful compromise to our trust in eachother and our ability because of that trust to communicate fully and honestly.

I wouldn't want my husband to read what I wrote here, either. Not that I want to hide things from my husband, but although we did talk about our situation and he is aware of what I think about the situation, and what it means to me, he's not compromising. Either not wanting to compromise but maybe he just cannot, for whatever reason. I believe asexuality may be an orientation but I also believe that some psychological issues/early experiences in life could lead to a person feeling/behaving 100% asexual. Maybe that's also why some asexuals don't have a problem to communicate about it or compromise and others do.

At some point in my life I was dealing with women who'd been sexually abused as children/teens. For most of them sex was a huge problem, sometimes touch was a problem, and for many, at least for a period in their lives, sex was an absolute impossibility. It seems to be very common that the abuse is blocked from memory for years and popps up when a person is in his/her twenties, thirties, forties or later, when the person is married, has children. The moment the memory is back, sex is often impossible, sometimes sharing a bedroom with the spouse is impossible and it takes years of treatment before any sex-related activity is again somewhat ok. Quite a number of women after such a memory lose all interest in men altogether and from that moment turn to women for sex.

Although you hear from many gays and lesbians that their sexual preference is an orientation, nothing that could ever be changed (and I don't want to criticize this, I am not gay/lesbian so I am definitely unable to do anything but listen to what these people say), in case of these sexually abused women it appears that their "orientation change" had its origins in the former abuse rather than in a coming out/discovering their orientation.

If that can happen to women turning to women, it could happen (from sexual abuse or whatever else) that others would become - or behave - asexual. And I reckon that those would rather be found among those "asexuels" who are unable to compromise and/or unable to talk about it.

Because for any person where some form of abuse is causing current behaviour, avoidance is a form of protection, and insisting on talking things over would be cruel, breaking into their carefully built walls and covers. Love for a person in such a situation includes to allow a person whatever protection s/he needs and wait until this person opens up him/herself, if that is ever happening. I understand that even a good psychologist would not impose treatment on a person who's not (yet) ready for it, knowing that such treatments can take a person through hell before light reappears at the end of it all.

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Orbit,

Thanks for your post! It does me good to read you're trying to do your part to make your marriage work, and I am sure your husband honours that.

Wished my husband were like you - but then I have no idea why he is as he is, and I guess he either doesn't know himself or it's something he rather not likes to think about. It's difficult, but he's still a great person ...

Mara

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This is why I took any identifying info out of my profile, and why I hope my husband never finds this website. This is the only place where I can really say what I think and people don't think I'm nuts. I'd rather my husband not know about some things.

That's really spooky. Not to judge or anything, but..... hmmm how do I put this..... I'm glad you're not my wife?? I don't know, except that I don't have any secrets from my wife, and I attribute our successful compromise to our trust in eachother and our ability because of that trust to communicate fully and honestly.

But you also said, "I think I was better off in what little ignorance I had left. I should not have come here. And if you're reading this and haven't been to the rest of the fourm I urge you to leave and never look back."

So I'm wrong for not telling my husband everything, but you'd also tell other spouses they don't want to know everything? By your rules, I can't win either way. But at least this way my husband wins. He already knows I don't like sex and it's painful, he doesn't need to know the full extent of my feelings... your original post goes to show that it would only make him feel depressed, and permanently ruin something that makes him feel loved.

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^... hmmm. *sigh* I came here with unrealistic expectaions. I don't know what I was look for exactly, but I don't find it. As you may have been able to tell I was feeling rather depressed at the time of that post. My suggestion to sexual partners is rather arrogant in the fact that is assumes communication is happening. The reason I didn't learn anything is because IronWulf had already told me. And I stand by that much at least. If partners are communicating well,.. the sexual partner is not goin to learn much that he/she doesn't already know. I'll stay around the fourm mainly because it balances out the time I spend on F2F, but I still won't go back into Asexual Relationships very often. For me it's too bleak and depressing, (what put me in the mood for my original post) too many sad endings.

All I know is that if my wife would have held something back I would just understand less. Granted we've only been married just short of two years now but it's been long enough to make me believe that telling your spouce the whole story, to the best of your ability, leaving nothing out, is a strength. I would never keep or hide something like this from her. To me that would be living a facade.

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You know... at the risk of boring you all with an extended metaphor, there are a lot of websites out there where they claim that relationships between an Aspie and a neurotypical will never work. And, to be sure, there are a lot of relationships that have failed for that reason. However, if you frequent these websites and nothing else, you're going to get a very biased sample for your thinking, because people whose relationships are failing are disproportionately drawn to such forums. If you were a neurotypical in a relationship with an Aspie and you were totally happy and had no problems, then why would you go there?

I think the same can be said for sexual/asexual relationships. A lot of people come here because they are desparate and see no way out of things. That doesn't mean that everyone in that position (though, to be sure, it's a difficult position) is desparate and sees no way out of things.

And I'm in a gloriously tweefully healthy relationship with a neurotypical right now, so HAH.

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I'll stay around the fourm mainly because it balances out the time I spend on F2F, but I still won't go back into Asexual Relationships very often. For me it's too bleak and depressing, (what put me in the mood for my original post) too many sad endings.

:shock: B-but, that's my forum! My wonderful little part of the board... ::sniffles::

:cry:

Sure, there are some sad stories in there, and some bitter people... but you must be missing all the awesome stuff! I mean, for the romantics, there's always a "Hey, I'm in a relationship! I wanna spread the twee!". I'm not really into that, but hey, if you're into that kind of stuff, well there ya go! And then of course is all the awesome relationship theory talk! It's awesome, did I mention that?? (It's my favorite part of Asexual Relationships)

But it's ok... I understand... ::shuffles over to a corner and pouts::

(P.S.- I pretty much agree with Hallu there. While there are a lot of negative stories, maybe it's because they feel a need to get it out and talk about it more than other people who have good stories, like Hallu & myself & others on the board)

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