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neverlove

Let’s get this (sex fav.) schism started!

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DogObsessedLianne

This is the exact reason why I have been reluctant to post questions regarding sexual attraction on here because it's hijacked by people who keep to a "perfect" definition of asexuality. Often people who post don't want their ears bitten off. I have had quite a lot of stress from this forum by people who just don't know how to answer forums in a helpful and listening manner while I've been trying to get my head around what is sexual attraction, what is romantic attraction, what is secondary attraction as oppose to primary attraction in either of these (and however much I appreciate our alloromantic-allosexual allies sometimes their answers are anything but listening or helpful). While I know that people are open to comment on any thread they feel they can contribute to, but if you are not truly contributing in a respectful, listening, helpful manner you really shouldn't comment. I can't contribute on EVERY thread on here even though by rule I can comment on ANY thread. We sometimes forget the need to be sensitive when dealing with others, especially as this is one of the few places people can turn to for help. There is a need on here for a thread where it is a safe space to discuss these things for those trying to work out if they are on the grey spectrum, if what they experience is down to aromantism instead (because sometimes it is just not clear when romance is wrapped up with sexual activity as is the case in many regular experiences). This is just one example of why we need a safe space to talk. If you are sex repulsed or live the "ideal" of celibacy (which actually is a choice non-specific to any particular orientation and nothing actually to do with asexuality) then fine for you, this thread is probably not for you but there will be other threads where you can really and truly contribute that I might not be able to contribute in. Let's all at least be sensitive to one another here, we all go through enough as it is.

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neverlove

Well said @DogObsessedLianne, I actually reposted this topic in “tea and sympathy” because I was told their are stricter rules against debates, but since this one is live 🤷🏽‍♀️

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neverlove

It sort of drives me crazy hearing what I feel is the same as everyone else, because, ya know, been there, ended up here. 

If I acknowledge that I’ve been missing this one (rather large) piece of the puzzle, everything else just falls into place. Misunderstandings and frustrations I’ve had for years have explanations. So after everything clicked, being told I’m wrong—it’s sort of laughable. 

Also saying a vague desire for sex is the same as feeling attraction is likewise funny to me. One is a libido, the other is—something I know I don’t have. And how do I know? Basically everyone else telling me so, except on AVEN 🙄. Not with the same words, but the looks, the phrases they use, the way they try to explain how wonderful it all is, they’ve been telling me a lot, and for a while now.

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DogObsessedLianne
18 hours ago, neverlove said:

So after everything clicked, being told I’m wrong—it’s sort of laughable. 

Also saying a vague desire for sex is the same as feeling attraction is likewise funny to me. One is a libido, the other is—something I know I don’t have. And how do I know?.

Definitely! And this is why we need to be able to discuss it in a gentle way. Even if this is a sort of grey attraction, we need to be able to discuss it in a safe area. And being greysexual is a far remove from being fully allosexual and to dismiss all of these discussions does no one any favours. My mum speaks of celebs on the tv (usually some referee or football pundit) that "he's LOVELY", and by lovely she means hot. She's also said before now "oooh I'd do him" as I go into embarrassed daughter mode! But I don't get this at all with any stranger. They generally have to become not a stranger for me to have any thoughts about sex with them. I wouldn't go so specific as demisexuality, but it's definitely a vague secondary attraction and I need to be able to discuss it. Actually I have extremely strong aesthetic attraction towards women and not particularly towards men and would describe a celeb on tv as "lovely" but without actually any thought to sleep with, date or kiss her, and this does include appreciating the female body aesthetically much more than the male body (I incorrectly thought I was gay at one point it is so strong). And this is often extremely a lot more aesthetic attraction than any straight woman usually experiences. So in some ways I just use the label queer and be done with it because it is "different from the cishet expected norm".

 

Note: I've only got relationship experience with cis women and cis men so I apologise for those reading this and thinking I'm writing very binary-styled. It isn't intentional just my limited (grey) experience.

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neverlove
1 hour ago, DogObsessedLianne said:

Actually I have extremely strong aesthetic attraction towards women and not particularly towards men and would describe a celeb on tv as "lovely" but without actually any thought to sleep with, date or kiss her, and this does include appreciating the female body aesthetically much more than the male body (I incorrectly thought I was gay at one point it is so strong). 

Totally agree! And what’s with this😂 I had this problem too! I prefer looking at women, but I know I don’t want to sleep with them. I was just thinking about this and I think it’s like looking at peacocks. Everyone likes the males because they’re so colorful and flamboyant, and it not like females aren’t pretty in their own way, it’s just more subdued. 

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Serran
16 hours ago, DogObsessedLianne said:

Definitely! And this is why we need to be able to discuss it in a gentle way. Even if this is a sort of grey attraction, we need to be able to discuss it in a safe area. And being greysexual is a far remove from being fully allosexual and to dismiss all of these discussions does no one any favours. My mum speaks of celebs on the tv (usually some referee or football pundit) that "he's LOVELY", and by lovely she means hot. She's also said before now "oooh I'd do him" as I go into embarrassed daughter mode! But I don't get this at all with any stranger. They generally have to become not a stranger for me to have any thoughts about sex with them. I wouldn't go so specific as demisexuality, but it's definitely a vague secondary attraction and I need to be able to discuss it. Actually I have extremely strong aesthetic attraction towards women and not particularly towards men and would describe a celeb on tv as "lovely" but without actually any thought to sleep with, date or kiss her, and this does include appreciating the female body aesthetically much more than the male body (I incorrectly thought I was gay at one point it is so strong). And this is often extremely a lot more aesthetic attraction than any straight woman usually experiences. So in some ways I just use the label queer and be done with it because it is "different from the cishet expected norm".

 

Note: I've only got relationship experience with cis women and cis men so I apologise for those reading this and thinking I'm writing very binary-styled. It isn't intentional just my limited (grey) experience.

I don't experience any sort of aesthetic, romantic, or sexual attraction for strangers. And not aesthetic or sexual for most partners (total of one person has sparked sexual attraction or made me think they were nice to look at in 30 years). Never have, likely never will. No one has ever given me trouble discussing that experience, on AVEN (well, OK, mostly no one - I did get told someone on AVEN knows how I feel better than I do the other week since I experience romantic feels strongly...). Off, the most I get is a little confusion sometimes, but people are pretty good about understanding it that I have met. Though, I also stopped IDing as ace since one of the times I bonded with someone brought about sexual desires (even if limited), so I guess why I find it easy to discuss would be that. No label arguments to be had. So, topic can stay on just the experience of lacking the stereotypical attraction response that many people have and experiencing it in a less media represented way, rather than becoming a debate on if grey is ace like a lot of threads do. 

 

So maybe start a thread discussing it without labels involved? Then doesn't much matter what label people who share the experience go by, you just find kindred spirits who share experiences with you. And the politics can stay out of it. 

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neverlove

Maybe, @Serran, but aren't the labels how people find their community? I'm also not sure that staying away from labels is the answer; I feel like people will bring them up regardless, and I feel like they should to an extent. We have them because they are useful, right?

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DogObsessedLianne
6 minutes ago, neverlove said:

Maybe, @Serran, but aren't the labels how people find their community? I'm also not sure that staying away from labels is the answer; I feel like people will bring them up regardless, and I feel like they should to an extent. We have them because they are useful, right?

My attitude towards labels (or descriptors as I prefer to say): if they are useful use them, if they aren't useful don't. Some circumstances they will be more useful than in other circumstances. They can be useful for self awareness and inproving your knowledge about your own needs (and to some extent can aid explaining your needs to others, but again there might be limited use). There is of course a risk of identifying too strongly with any label, that it becomes more than a tool and ends up becoming your self identity. But of course if you don't know your descriptors how will you find asexual and/or aromantic groups for support. Being aromantic greysexual tells me that I probably have limited ability to contribute to chats centred around romantic aces, so it should help me recognise that I'm only an expert on myself. Basically labels are a tool but I prefer to call them descriptors.

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Serran
25 minutes ago, neverlove said:

Maybe, @Serran, but aren't the labels how people find their community? I'm also not sure that staying away from labels is the answer; I feel like people will bring them up regardless, and I feel like they should to an extent. We have them because they are useful, right?

Well, in a thread about an experience labels I don't find useful, tbh. Since everyone applies the labels differently. So people who experience desires like me may call themselves grey, I just use sexual cause I find grey not useful, others may use ace, yet others may use cupiosexual ...etcetcetc. But all may have the same exact experience. So when discussing it to find people who share it, rather than as politics, I find it much more useful to just leave labels out of it and ask if anyone else feels X or Y. 

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Charna
1 hour ago, neverlove said:

Maybe, @Serran, but aren't the labels how people find their community? I'm also not sure that staying away from labels is the answer; I feel like people will bring them up regardless, and I feel like they should to an extent. We have them because they are useful, right?

Because if you start without labels, it might help identifying whether any of the existing labels even fit what you are looking for, or whether creating a new label instead would be better.

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neverlove
1 hour ago, Serran said:

Well, in a thread about an experience labels I don't find useful, tbh. Since everyone applies the labels differently. So people who experience desires like me may call themselves grey, I just use sexual cause I find grey not useful, others may use ace, yet others may use cupiosexual ...etcetcetc. But all may have the same exact experience. So when discussing it to find people who share it, rather than as politics, I find it much more useful to just leave labels out of it and ask if anyone else feels X or Y. 

I feel like the asexual "labels" are completely about asking/identifing the a to z of attraction--all kinds. Certain identities have a lot of different shades and everyone experiences things pretty differently, but the asexual identities have so many qualifiers and traits that I feel like this is exactly what these terms are accomplishing. Some people using off brand definitions is not a reason to stop using a term that is still useful.

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neverlove
26 minutes ago, Charna said:

Because if you start without labels, it might help identifying whether any of the existing labels even fit what you are looking for, or whether creating a new label instead would be better.

I agree that labels can sweep a lot of diversity under their brand. That's why schisms occur, people come together because of common ideas and then start forming their own groups within that where their ideas diverge. It's always good to have a place to start from right? 😊

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Charna

I don't schisms are a good place to start with, tbh. If religions are an example, it tends tolead to bloody conflicts. I'd rather follow the example of the LGBT community, which brings people with different labels together.

 

 

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DogObsessedLianne
20 minutes ago, Charna said:

I don't schisms are a good place to start with, tbh. If religions are an example, it tends tolead to bloody conflicts. I'd rather follow the example of the LGBT community, which brings people with different labels together.

 

 

Unfortunately the LGBTQ community can be one of the most intolerant. As a queer Christian I sometimes find both lots of individuals (and they are individuals not the whole) very difficult. 

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Charna

Eh, I live in Poland, so I have to disagree. There is nothing worse than an intolerant majority (here it's conservative Catholics), because then intolerance is given power.

 

edit: Just to clarify, I agree that you can find extremely intolerant individuals in any group. But intolerance of individuals is not the same as organized efforts by a group that is in the majority.

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Sally
17 hours ago, neverlove said:

Maybe, @Serran, but aren't the labels how people find their community? 

In the first years of AVEN, there was basically one label: asexuality.  People managed to find the asexual community through that one word.  Since most of us have never met IRL another asexual, our community so far is basically on-line.   A made-up label posted on AVEN doesn't really help anyone meet an IRL community.  

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neverlove
6 hours ago, Sally said:

In the first years of AVEN, there was basically one label: asexuality.  People managed to find the asexual community through that one word.  Since most of us have never met IRL another asexual, our community so far is basically on-line.   A made-up label posted on AVEN doesn't really help anyone meet an IRL community.  

I don't really understand your point here. All labels are constructs and we are not discussing meeting face to face. It also seems odd to say that what happens online doesn't affect things offline, if so what are we doing here?

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neverlove
7 hours ago, Charna said:

Eh, I live in Poland, so I have to disagree. There is nothing worse than an intolerant majority (here it's conservative Catholics), because then intolerance is given power.

 

edit: Just to clarify, I agree that you can find extremely intolerant individuals in any group. But intolerance of individuals is not the same as organized efforts by a group that is in the majority.

 

17 hours ago, Charna said:

I don't schisms are a good place to start with, tbh. If religions are an example, it tends tolead to bloody conflicts. I'd rather follow the example of the LGBT community, which brings people with different labels together.

 

 

Hmm. So first I want to say that your comments made me uncomfortable. I feel like it wasn't necessary to bring religion in as an example, nor do I think it is fair to label all splits in beliefs as bloody. Major disagreements tend to be bloody regardless of their origin, and just as many can be peacable. I'm sorry you've faced discrimination, but discrimination is always the result of individuals making choices, just the same as support and kindness.

Now I don't think the LGBTQIA community is about bringing people with different labels together. The combination of so many was to gain more people for the movement and therefore more power--just like anything else. No one who claims these labels is actually required to support any other label, it was just a smart move for so many minorities to combine their voices for the sake of their own rights.

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Marlow1

I need the words, I really need the words! 

 

Two reasons. One is I have Aphantasia, which limits my ability to become attracted, but also limits my ability to see and understand things from others points of view. Prior to coming to AVEN I had no idea really how other people experience sexuality. 

 

My wife is an Allosexual and she would explain to me how she felt about certain things, but since I had never ever visualised a naked person or indeed anything sexual in my mind I had no clue as to what she was talking about

 

Studies have shown that imagination in the minds eye can play a role in attraction. Folk with Aphantasia often say that their attraction is limited, often describing themselves as Asexual, Demisexual, Greysexual and so on. I have only met a very small number that have said that they can frequently get attracted to strangers and so on, and since some folk that regard themselves as Aphantasics, can sense certain senses in the mind this is only to be expected in certain circumstances

 

I know that we cannot simply say getting immediate attraction is the norm, but because so many people do experience the world that way, us folk that don't, we need a way to articulate this to ourselves, and maybe other people. Definitely so with Aphantasia, without pictures much of our unconscious mind is stored in words and concepts

 

My wife and I new nothing about Asexuality, nor anything about Greysexuality, we only new the run of the mill stuff, like what the TV tells us, I admit to my shame. But even knowing this did not help, we both spoke in entirely different ways because we were both coming from extremely different directions

 

An example would be when I would say 'Don't worry about the nudity on TV, I am not interested in it', and she would reply, 'We are not having that crap on in this house' and I would say, 'Why are you so bothered?' 

 

Look, we have figured all this out by now, and I could go on and on, but without AVEN and the Aphantasia board my wife and I would be divorced by now

 

Learning the language, has enabled me to now explain myself, and better still it has enabled my wife to better explain herself. Before we learned the words the atmosphere was crazy in our house, and I mean crazy

 

English is a limited language. Other cultures, Indian, Hebrew, Greek already have words to describe a lot of this what we talk about here. Here are some examples

 

https://www.stevenaitchison.co.uk/25-perfectly-beautiful-sanskrit-words-that-describe-love-and-consciousness/

 

And

 

https://www.slideshare.net/mobile/girlphantom/six-love-styles

 

And

 

http://abarim-publications.blogspot.com/2016/07/the-top-10-of-hebrew-words-for-love.html#.XX-cVIjTW2c

 

From what I have seen most other languages have plenty of words to describe different love, romantic and sexual thoughts, feelings, behaviours, relationships and so on. It is only the English language that is so limited

 

 

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crazy ace

I feel that the main reason this post attracts so much conflict is because the title is labeled schism, as if two viewpoints cannot coexist in peace.  I personally agree with the OP, that sex-favourable is misunderstood, but I don't see a schism as necessary.

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neverlove
38 minutes ago, crazy ace said:

I feel that the main reason this post attracts so much conflict is because the title is labeled schism, as if two viewpoints cannot coexist in peace.  I personally agree with the OP, that sex-favourable is misunderstood, but I don't see a schism as necessary.

That wasn't really my intention. Actually, if what I've read on this site is any indicator, I believe this split already exists. I don't really think a schism will occur. I think eventually the site will choose a direction and people will leave without reforming into a separate coalition as that seems to be the current trend. 

 

Some commenters seems to treat aro/ace sex repulsed people as a protected species and are driving off perceived predators in droves. I think this will kill the site before a schism could take root. We'll never make it to the asexual version of "everyone's a little gay", which I think I'll go ahead and post.

 

 I think more people fall on the gray spectrum than what is currently acknowledged. I think we don't notice them much the way we don't notice it in ourselves. I think because there are people who do okay with sex in this spectrum, and don't generally become at odds with society they never find any particular difference that makes them search for an answer. Which is also why I think if you found enough of a difference in yourself to ask if you were asexual or not then you probably fall within the definition of the spectrum even if you choose not to identify that way.

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gray-a girl
On 9/5/2019 at 12:57 AM, neverlove said:

I’d like to hear more about your guys’ sex favorable stories and how you guys are relating to the asexual community, so tag: @Demi Dad, @DemiDummy, @greynonomous, @Michael_91, @oldsoulvocalist, @InShadesofGray, @Strange But Not a Stranger, @KendraPM, @DogObsessedLianne, @Spectre/Ex/Machina

You forgot me!

On 9/6/2019 at 1:47 AM, Sally said:

But that's basically the definition of asexuality: having no innate desire to have sex with another person.  Asexuality is finally being accepted as an orientation.  

Actually the definition is “not having sexual attraction to other people”. No where in the AVEN definition does it say “not desiring to have partnered sex”. Most definitions of asexual likewise focus on the lack of sexual attraction to other people, not a lack of desire for sexual activity.

 

Due to another thread on here, where I almost left, I was contacted by a board member of AVEN who said that what happened in that thread (where my orientation of a sex favorable asexual was invalidated and I was told I’m actually sexual) is not what AVEN is supposed to be about and it goes against AVEN’s principles. They also said that changing this problem was a top priority of the board.

 

That PM is the ONLY reason I am back here. I have talked to several other sex favorable asexuals who see AVEN as hostile so avoid it. 

 

We cant police a thread and kick someone off it, but we CAN all gang up on the person and tell them they’re wrong and that their statement is invalid. Just like asexual elites and other arrogant asexuals like to do with us.

 

I am still very angry at many people here on AVEN for telling me what I feel when they have no business saying so. I struggled ALOT with being asexual in my twenties and not being attracted to people is the primary reason that I’ve only just the past few years been in a serious relationship and fallen in love. Most people my age (35) have fallen in love more than once.

 

If we cannot put ourselves on the asexual spectrum where do we fit? The answer is nowhere else. But they are so arrogant that they think they know our bodies and minds. We are interested in sexual activity so therefore they think we must experience sexual attraction and we therefore must be sexual.

 

I think part of the problem is that indifferent and repulsed asexuals cannot understand how a person can have a libido that isn’t attracted to other people, yet simultaneously does provide enjoyment (with sex). It’s something that doesn’t make sense to them. Also not wanting sex is a big part of the problems in their lives so they don’t want to include us because we don’t have that problem.

 

What they fail to understand is that for me anyway not having an attraction to people by itself can cause a lot of problems. 

 

Its so ironic that they are so so arrogant and feel like they must tell us what we feel, especially when many people on here have expressed asexual erasure from allosexuals. You would think they wouldn’t be hypocrites about it. But it probably stems from an insecurity. 

 

Yeah if you can’t tell I am still pretty angry at the arrogant asexual elites.

 

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crazy ace
28 minutes ago, gray-a girl said:

I think part of the problem is that indifferent and repulsed asexuals cannot understand how a person can have a libido that isn’t attracted to other people, yet simultaneously does provide enjoyment (with sex).

I'm an indifferent, but I can understand. There's 3 year-olds who masturbate, but its not like they experience sexual attraction.

Also, please let's not turn this into us vs. them. Enjoying the feeling of sex shouldn't be discriminated against, but not all repulseds or indifferents hate sex-positive aces.

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neverlove
46 minutes ago, gray-a girl said:

You forgot me!

Actually the definition is “not having sexual attraction to other people”. No where in the AVEN definition does it say “not desiring to have partnered sex”. Most definitions of asexual likewise focus on the lack of sexual attraction to other people, not a lack of desire for sexual activity.

 

Due to another thread on here, where I almost left, I was contacted by a board member of AVEN who said that what happened in that thread (where my orientation of a sex favorable asexual was invalidated and I was told I’m actually sexual) is not what AVEN is supposed to be about and it goes against AVEN’s principles. They also said that changing this problem was a top priority of the board.

 

That PM is the ONLY reason I am back here. I have talked to several other sex favorable asexuals who see AVEN as hostile so avoid it. 

 

We cant police a thread and kick someone off it, but we CAN all gang up on the person and tell them they’re wrong and that their statement is invalid. Just like asexual elites and other arrogant asexuals like to do with us.

 

I am still very angry at many people here on AVEN for telling me what I feel when they have no business saying so. I struggled ALOT with being asexual in my twenties and not being attracted to people is the primary reason that I’ve only just the past few years been in a serious relationship and fallen in love. Most people my age (35) have fallen in love more than once.

 

If we cannot put ourselves on the asexual spectrum where do we fit? The answer is nowhere else. But they are so arrogant that they think they know our bodies and minds. We are interested in sexual activity so therefore they think we must experience sexual attraction and we therefore must be sexual.

 

I think part of the problem is that indifferent and repulsed asexuals cannot understand how a person can have a libido that isn’t attracted to other people, yet simultaneously does provide enjoyment (with sex). It’s something that doesn’t make sense to them. Also not wanting sex is a big part of the problems in their lives so they don’t want to include us because we don’t have that problem.

 

What they fail to understand is that for me anyway not having an attraction to people by itself can cause a lot of problems. 

 

Its so ironic that they are so so arrogant and feel like they must tell us what we feel, especially when many people on here have expressed asexual erasure from allosexuals. You would think they wouldn’t be hypocrites about it. But it probably stems from an insecurity. 

 

Yeah if you can’t tell I am still pretty angry at the arrogant asexual elites.

 

You're right! I did forget you. My apologies. I actually think a lot of the people criticizing sex fav. people do not identify as asexuals. I've noticed people speaking on their "behalf" a lot.

 

It's good to hear the admin is worried about this. I thought their silence on the subject was tacit agreement. Personally, I think they could just define sex favorable officially if they feel that way, and give us creedence. Of course, I was raised to say what I thought was right even if it made people unhappy. 🤷🏽‍♀️

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Iam9man
6 hours ago, gray-a girl said:

You forgot me!

Actually the definition is “not having sexual attraction to other people”. No where in the AVEN definition does it say “not desiring to have partnered sex”. Most definitions of asexual likewise focus on the lack of sexual attraction to other people, not a lack of desire for sexual activity.

 

Due to another thread on here, where I almost left, I was contacted by a board member of AVEN who said that what happened in that thread (where my orientation of a sex favorable asexual was invalidated and I was told I’m actually sexual) is not what AVEN is supposed to be about and it goes against AVEN’s principles. They also said that changing this problem was a top priority of the board.

 

That PM is the ONLY reason I am back here. I have talked to several other sex favorable asexuals who see AVEN as hostile so avoid it. 

 

We cant police a thread and kick someone off it, but we CAN all gang up on the person and tell them they’re wrong and that their statement is invalid. Just like asexual elites and other arrogant asexuals like to do with us.

 

I am still very angry at many people here on AVEN for telling me what I feel when they have no business saying so. I struggled ALOT with being asexual in my twenties and not being attracted to people is the primary reason that I’ve only just the past few years been in a serious relationship and fallen in love. Most people my age (35) have fallen in love more than once.

 

If we cannot put ourselves on the asexual spectrum where do we fit? The answer is nowhere else. But they are so arrogant that they think they know our bodies and minds. We are interested in sexual activity so therefore they think we must experience sexual attraction and we therefore must be sexual.

 

I think part of the problem is that indifferent and repulsed asexuals cannot understand how a person can have a libido that isn’t attracted to other people, yet simultaneously does provide enjoyment (with sex). It’s something that doesn’t make sense to them. Also not wanting sex is a big part of the problems in their lives so they don’t want to include us because we don’t have that problem.

 

What they fail to understand is that for me anyway not having an attraction to people by itself can cause a lot of problems. 

 

Its so ironic that they are so so arrogant and feel like they must tell us what we feel, especially when many people on here have expressed asexual erasure from allosexuals. You would think they wouldn’t be hypocrites about it. But it probably stems from an insecurity. 

 

Yeah if you can’t tell I am still pretty angry at the arrogant asexual elites.

 

I’m glad to hear you stayed. I’ve also had problems here but when I take a step back I realise it’s always the same few people; it is not representative of AVEN as a whole.

 

I’ve decided to change my displayed identity to “sex-favourable asexual”. I realise this may attract antagonism from some (very few, but very vocal) members and that is just something I’m going to have to deal with. I think it’s important to show we exist.

 

Whilst it’s tempting to round on the people who have historically attacked us on other threads I’d recommend taking the high ground. There are surprisingly few members who will actively troll/bully/invalidate/insult. It is much better to simply not engage them in conversation when they are acting like that. I still correct factual misstatements but personally don’t engage past one or two messages. This will leave a much more positive message behind for people on the sex-favourable end to find in the future 😊

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Sally
6 hours ago, gray-a girl said:

Actually the definition is “not having sexual attraction to other people”. No where in the AVEN definition does it say “not desiring to have partnered sex”. Most definitions of asexual likewise focus on the lack of sexual attraction to other people, not a lack of desire for sexual activity.

 

That definition is not the only one.  In the dozens of definitions threads on AVEN, many people have supported the "not wanting to have sex with anyone" definition, and in fact, AVEN mentions that definition somewhere (can't find  it, but maybe someone else can).  In any case, we may all be members of AVEN, but we all individually assess how we feel, including our determination of why we identify as asexual.  

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neverlove
2 hours ago, Sally said:

That definition is not the only one.  In the dozens of definitions threads on AVEN, many people have supported the "not wanting to have sex with anyone" definition, and in fact, AVEN mentions that definition somewhere (can't find  it, but maybe someone else can).  In any case, we may all be members of AVEN, but we all individually assess how we feel, including our determination of why we identify as asexual.  

?!

 

I agree. We should be able to make our own determination and have that respected.

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DogObsessedLianne

@gray-a girl I just wanted to say I'm so sorry you've been on the negative end of things. Ultimately we are all here for the support that is often the only a-spec support many have, and it's a shame people can't keep that central. It's amazing how many people are experts on you with only knowing you through a tiny amount of words on a screen. So sad. But I think it is human tendency, it's much easier to judge than to truly actively listen, and that is across the board and even offline.

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Dawning
On 9/12/2019 at 8:22 AM, DogObsessedLianne said:

... celibacy (which actually is a choice non-specific to any particular orientation and nothing actually to do with asexuality)...

YES!! Asexuality is an ORIENTATION, and whether or not you actually HAVE sex has absolutely nothing to do with what your orientation is! Neither sexual activity nor celibacy is a requirement to be any other orientation, and to say otherwise for asexuals is ridiculous, confusing, and causes the 99% of people who aren't us to invalidate asexuality as an orientation.

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Dawning
On 9/13/2019 at 7:18 AM, DogObsessedLianne said:

... I have extremely strong aesthetic attraction towards women and not particularly towards men and would describe a celeb on tv as "lovely" but without actually any thought to sleep with, date or kiss her, and this does include appreciating the female body aesthetically much more than the male body (I incorrectly thought I was gay at one point it is so strong). And this is often extremely a lot more aesthetic attraction than any straight woman usually experiences...

Do you think you might be experiencing alterous attraction to women? I had some confusion in this area as well, and that's what eventually rang true for me.

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