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Just met online partner IRL and I am devastated


ConfusedBee

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I don't think most non-ace people that aren't familiar with places like AVEN really discern between types of attraction like that.  If someone tells them that they "aren't attracted to them", they will interpret that in a more general sense, i.e. not into them at all.  And like I said, that's going to sound really confusing coming from someone that's still in a 2+ year relationship with them (possibly in an angry "why have you been wasting my time then??" sense)

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Men are easy to read, as they speak boldly via their actions if you can read them.

 

He's essentially had talks with you, but paid money to come see you with one thought in mind. This essentially showcasing a blatant disregard for you and how you feel. That is a major red flag. Relationships aren't about "I". They're about "us". He's offered you an "I" solution, and is refusing to even remotely compromise for the "us".

 

Also him paying money to see you, doesn't mean you owe him a thing. I could spend 5 grand to meet a woman (already have). Doesn't mean anything. I have to respect her choices. Love is a choice.

 

A man that loves you will move mountains for you. So as a result, compromise or trying to find a happy medium won't be so complicated.

 

Had you not told him or been dishonest about it, the blame would lie on your shoulders for misleading him.

 

So now that he can't pressure you into complying, he's trying to guilt trip you into it.

 

Hate to say it, but you shouldn't be pressured into doing things with a partner.

 

I met a significant other after 6 months of talking online, and married them over a year later. I was always pressured to buy a house, car, and a business but hadn't seen why they put so much pressure until a friend looked into it. Their country allowed them to put everything under their name, since I was an alien. I nonetheless loved them, so met them halfway (I rented a property, put a down payment on a business etc)  it wasn't enough and I was pressured further, to where I started questioning whether I was man enough to be with them (they had systematically eroded my confidence away to where my push back wasn't as strong as it would have been with a clear mind).

 

You remaining with him, is you having to understand that you'll have to meet his needs, and he doesn't showcase the level of selflessness to meet you halfway about yours. If this is something you're willing to sacrifice to make him happy, by all means. I literally wasted years of my life I'll never get back, in a miserable one sided relationship.

 

I don't have the word failure in my vocabulary. Only positives, or lessons that were learned, from any setback. That's how I see my above situation.

 

Also, if chatting with someone online--make sure to meet them as quickly as possible. Prevents getting overly attached, as you likely got attached to the image of him you had in your heart, vs the actual person which would have been clear had you met quicker. 

 

I would make my point clear to him, and where you're comfortable meeting him halfway (should this be something you're willing to do). If he's still adamant on his way or the highway, am sorry to say. He doesn't love you. His actions speak louder than words.

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5 hours ago, BeakLove said:

To be honest it just sounds like the online relationships you cultivated were very shallow. I don't think there's some mythical thing that happens when you meet them in real life. We're actually not very good at reading people, generally. 

I kind of agree with this, though not specific to your relationship.  It’s a bit of a modern fallacy that you can truly get to know someone through online interactions. When all communication is via online or even phone, it is so easy to paint this perfect image of yourself to sell to the other person. The only way to truly know what they’re really like is to see them in person, preferably in a group setting, so you can see what they’re like in their “natural habitat.”  This is why I can’t fathom people who do online dating and already have hopes and expectations for relationships before they even meet. At the first meeting, there should be zero expectations beyond friendship.

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6 minutes ago, LostInThought said:

I kind of agree with this, though not specific to your relationship.  It’s a bit of a modern fallacy that you can truly get to know someone through online interactions. When all communication is via online or even phone, it is so easy to paint this perfect image of yourself to sell to the other person. The only way to truly know what they’re really like is to see them in person, preferably in a group setting, so you can see what they’re like in their “natural habitat.”  This is why I can’t fathom people who do online dating and already have hopes and expectations for relationships before they even meet. At the first meeting, there should be zero expectations beyond friendship.

Or, you can talk to someone deeply without the awkwardness of RL social etiquette rules and truly get to know them as a person, so when you meet things just click into place easily...

 

It really just depends on the person. 

 

IRL most dating games are facades and acting til the person decides to drop it. So, honestly, I don't think you ever truly get to know someone until you live together for several weeks/months day in and out. It is too easy to put up a fake persona if the interactions are infrequent, whether IRL or online. You just have to hope and trust the person is being honest and open until then. 

 

All my relationships began online. They all were serious before meeting. None had any big hiccups due to the transition, since we got to know each other online. Living together always caused a hiccup, cause you learn a lot about someone that way. But, dating IRL always felt hollow cause we had to jump through all these hoops before we could just talk about deeper topics... never felt like I got to know the person for real. 

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9 minutes ago, Serran said:

Or, you can talk to someone deeply without the awkwardness of RL social etiquette rules and truly get to know them as a person, so when you meet things just click into place easily...

There’s social etiquette rules for online/phone interactions as well, as you said it’s just a matter of preference as to what is more or less awkward. The difference is it’s much easier to control what the other can see in those cases.

 

Obviously, living together is where people really truly get to know each other, but asking for that before even commencing dating would be a bit much.  Meeting in person should be considered at least minimal.

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Just now, LostInThought said:

There’s social etiquette rules for online/phone interactions as well, as you said it’s just a matter of preference as to what is more or less awkward. The difference is it’s much easier to control what the other can see in those cases.

 

Obviously, living together is where people really truly get to know each other, but asking for that before even commencing dating would be a bit much.  Meeting in person should be considered at least minimal.

Meh. I find people open up a lot more and faster online, personally. Take here... people discuss deeply personal topics to strangers they never would IRL. IRL there is the sexual component, the fear component is higher, then what personal space or touch is appropriate.. how many dates til you can mention an ex ? How many texts when not on a date is too many? People worry about so frickin much instead of just letting things be natural and easy. 

 

And... its not that hard to control what people see IRL. I never met my exes friends except ones he approved me meeting, to keep up his persona. I met some of the family he said he liked. It was all carefully crafted. And, honestly, don't know the guy at all. The guy I dated in town I went out with for a month, but I couldn't tell you much about him at all. We never got beyond casual talk before I just gave up, even though he said he liked me a lot. If someone wants to hide things, they will be hidden. Don't care what way you are interacting. 

 

I don't and never have considered RL meeting a requirement for relationships to be serious. The same could have happened to OP if this was the first vacation away together vs first RL meeting. "I figured you just wanted to take it slow..." vs "I figured meeting would make you attracted". Happens all the time to aces on here when the sexual finally figures out uh...wait... they mean it?!?

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6 minutes ago, Serran said:

Meh. I find people open up a lot more and faster online, personally. Take here... people discuss deeply personal topics to strangers they never would IRL. IRL there is the sexual component, the fear component is higher, then what personal space or touch is appropriate.. how many dates til you can mention an ex ? How many texts when not on a date is too many? People worry about so frickin much instead of just letting things be natural and easy. 

Ah, but part of the process of getting to know that is seeing all those things.  If your intent is to keep the relationship an online one, then yeah that’s fine. But in the OP, and I would imagine in most cases like it, there was clearly an intent to take this into RL. There’s a reason why it’s easier to talk about those things online, there is a certain buffer that’s not going to exist IRL, and some of those things will not necessarily be easier to talk about once you’re in a relationship. Online interactions will not give you an accurate view of what will or will not be okay once the relationship turns RL.

 

10 minutes ago, Serran said:

And... its not that hard to control what people see IRL. I never met my exes friends except ones he approved me meeting, to keep up his persona. I met some of the family he said he liked. It was all carefully crafted. And, honestly, don't know the guy at all. The guy I dated in town I went out with for a month, but I couldn't tell you much about him at all. We never got beyond casual talk before I just gave up, even though he said he liked me a lot. If someone wants to hide things, they will be hidden. Don't care what way you are interacting. 

 

I don't and never have considered RL meeting a requirement for relationships to be serious. The same could have happened to OP if this was the first vacation away together vs first RL meeting. "I figured you just wanted to take it slow..." vs "I figured meeting would make you attracted". Happens all the time to aces on here when the sexual finally figures out uh...wait... they mean it?!?

I didn’t say it’s difficult to hide things, just that it’s easier online. In the first example, meeting any of his exes or his family wouldn’t have been an option at all through just online. But because you knew him in person, you were able to discern that he’s upkeeping some kind of persona.  That’s something that might have been missed if the relationship was entirely online and meeting any ex or family was just not really an option.  So yeah, incidents of that sort absolutely can happen even after the relationship goes offline.  But this was just opening the doors wide and inviting that possibility.

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44 minutes ago, LostInThought said:

I kind of agree with this, though not specific to your relationship.  It’s a bit of a modern fallacy that you can truly get to know someone through online interactions. When all communication is via online or even phone, it is so easy to paint this perfect image of yourself to sell to the other person. The only way to truly know what they’re really like is to see them in person, preferably in a group setting, so you can see what they’re like in their “natural habitat.”  This is why I can’t fathom people who do online dating and already have hopes and expectations for relationships before they even meet. At the first meeting, there should be zero expectations beyond friendship.

If you want to deceive yourself you'll deceive yourself, and you want to deceive someone else you'll do it. It's easy to look into someone's eyes and think we know them. As @Serran said, the only way to truly get to know someone is to spend a long time with them, rather than infrequent "set pieces" in which a facade can be maintained. I think it's actually easier to do that over the phone or internet because the space in which you're interacting is neutral. To spend a lot of time with someone in real life, you invariably have to go to someone's home which can be rather too much early on.

 

I get on well with more-or-less everyone and don't have social anxiety: I tend to start conversations when others won't. But the person I live with now, with whom I have a very close relationship I met over the internet. There was no awkwardness in meeting up. We already knew everything about each other and had spoken for years: often hours long conversations at stupid times. It was a genuine relationship on the internet and a genuine one off of it. Okay we're not dating but the principle is the same. We've lived together six years and still have a laugh every day.

 

I do think that real life relationships have more scope to grow, and there are certain types of intimacy that is hard to attain when you're not in person. But in my experience, the distance facilitated getting to know someone. In a funny way, there was nothing to hide behind. It's just you and your personality. That comfort translated easily into the physical realm.

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59 minutes ago, BeakLove said:

 

 

I do think that real life relationships have more scope to grow, and there are certain types of intimacy that is hard to attain when you're not in person. But in my experience, the distance facilitated getting to know someone. In a funny way, there was nothing to hide behind. It's just you and your personality. That comfort translated easily into the physical realm.

Completely get it. It works the same for me even in romantic relationships. That's why... before I ever met my wife IRL, I knew I wanted a long-term relationship, I knew I was going to be OK kissing, sharing a bed, etc once we did meet. It was just all there already. We said I love you before we met IRL. Cause we did love each other. Meeting IRL just let us express it in more physical ways.

 

1 hour ago, LostInThought said:

Ah, but part of the process of getting to know that is seeing all those things.  If your intent is to keep the relationship an online one, then yeah that’s fine. But in the OP, and I would imagine in most cases like it, there was clearly an intent to take this into RL. There’s a reason why it’s easier to talk about those things online, there is a certain buffer that’s not going to exist IRL, and some of those things will not necessarily be easier to talk about once you’re in a relationship. Online interactions will not give you an accurate view of what will or will not be okay once the relationship turns RL.

Hm. I don't like the "process" IRL. It's the reason why I never was able to foster a relationship from IRL beginnings. I hated the distance, the dance and the acting that went along with it. It felt like the relationships were building off the backs of lies, since people kept up some distance IRL that required hiding. I never was able to feel close enough to even want anything romantic. So, dating fell flat because it just all felt so impersonal I couldn't even develop a desire to hug or cuddle or kiss, let alone anything else. And... like,  my wife is not that open IRL and if we had met IRL, she probably would have kept all the things hidden from me that fostered us getting close to each other and leading to marriage. Online she was free to share it, because no real life blowback would happen if I was a jerk and told people those secrets. But, once she trusted me through online building of a relationship, we met IRL and now we are married and hopefully will be living together for real soon instead of just bouncing between countries visiting. 

 

So, which way you can get closer, really just depends on the people involved. My wife and I would likely have never even became friends, let alone got married, if we had met IRL first. And we were both quite happy to call it a serious relationship before we met IRL. 

 

1 hour ago, LostInThought said:

 

I didn’t say it’s difficult to hide things, just that it’s easier online. In the first example, meeting any of his exes or his family wouldn’t have been an option at all through just online. But because you knew him in person, you were able to discern that he’s upkeeping some kind of persona.  That’s something that might have been missed if the relationship was entirely online and meeting any ex or family was just not really an option.  So yeah, incidents of that sort absolutely can happen even after the relationship goes offline.  But this was just opening the doors wide and inviting that possibility.

Sure meeting friends / family is possible online. My wife introduced me to her best friend via playing an online game together. I mostly interact with her family via WhatsApp. 

 

With my ex, I didn't know it was a persona until we lived together and the all night outings with other friends were no longer able to be hidden. Nor was the smell of weed (which he insisted he didn't smoke, until he couldn't deny it since it was all over him), cause it wasn't as if he could come home and take a shower and wash his clothes without me noticing. Etc, etc. I never knew the persona existed until I moved into his apartment. He compartmentalized his life and I was in this box, other people were in that box. The two never merged til we lived together. Then it was unbearable and all my dealbreakers (which, he knew about and just wrote off as no big deal) got hit. 

 

 

BUT I WILL STOP DERAILING THIS THREAD SORRY OP 

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48 minutes ago, Serran said:

Hm. I don't like the "process" IRL. It's the reason why I never was able to foster a relationship from IRL beginnings. I hated the distance, the dance and the acting that went along with it. It felt like the relationships were building off the backs of lies, since people kept up some distance IRL that required hiding.

Again. The key is that you were able to discern the acting and the lies, something that would have been easy to hide if your entire interactions were in typed words.

 

48 minutes ago, Serran said:

Sure meeting friends / family is possible online. My wife introduced me to her best friend via playing an online game together. I mostly interact with her family via WhatsApp. 

She introduced you, yes. Had the relationship stayed entirely online, she could have easily told you she has no family or friends of note, and how would you have known otherwise?  In person, there are clues, which is how you were able to discern that your ex was maintaining a persona. Online, clues can be easily hidden. Your ex might have never told you about any of their other exes and you wouldn’t have been any the wiser.

 

48 minutes ago, Serran said:

With my ex, I didn't know it was a persona until we lived together and the all night outings with other friends were no longer able to be hidden. Nor was the smell of weed (which he insisted he didn't smoke, until he couldn't deny it since it was all over him), cause it wasn't as if he could come home and take a shower and wash his clothes without me noticing. Etc, etc. I never knew the persona existed until I moved into his apartment. He compartmentalized his life and I was in this box, other people were in that box. The two never merged til we lived together. Then it was unbearable and all my dealbreakers (which, he knew about and just wrote off as no big deal) got hit.  

I will repeat:

 

2 hours ago, LostInThought said:

I didn’t say it’s difficult to hide things, just that it’s easier online. 

In your case I guess your ex was good at hiding things irl as well. That sucks and it happens. That doesn’t change that there are far more options and opportunities to hide things in online interactions than if you see them in person and are actually able to observe their behavior, their reactions to certain things, etc.  Again, the possibility is always there, but starting a relationship from just online is flinging the doors wide open and inviting that possibility in.

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I just can't consider an on-line situation "dating".  Dating IRL means seeing each other quite often, both in private and around other people, and in many different situations.  It means being together for sustained periods of time where you can't simply log off, but have to  stay together and work out any glitches in discussions.  It means you look at the details of their  physical presence and feel either attracted aesthetically or unattracted or repulsed.  Even if you Skype, it is not the same.  And especially, it  means that whatever erroneous assumptions each has must be worked out, rather than put off for however many months it's going to take to be together IRL.  

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