Just met online partner IRL and I am devastated

[ConfusedBee]

Without going into too much detail, I recently met for the first time someone that I had been dating for about two years online. I had already given them the asexual talk so they knew what they were in for, and I let them know that I might not be comfortable with a lot of physical contact on their visit. Upon their visit they were a little touchy, which I told them I wasn't ready for and they respectfully backed off, but never really stopped completely. After a few days of me being politely resistant to physical touch we then had this conversation: 

 

Them: "You really don't like this kinda stuff, huh?" 

Me: "Yeah, I told you before hand that I would likely not be comfortable with it and that I need more time for this kinda thing." 

Them: "Yeah I know, I just thought it would be different when I came and you would just understand." 

 

This comment really hurt me because we had long deep conversations about this previously, and it seems like they just disregarded those because they assumed I was going to be normal when we met? 

 

In addition to this, they later asked if I was attracted to them now that I had met them in real life. I promptly answered no, I've told you that I'm not attracted to anyone. They then went off about how I was making them feel bad and how sh*tty it was that I wasn't attracted to them and that "I'm not attracted to anyone" isn't a good excuse. This led to them questioning whether I actually loved them or if I just thought of them as a friend (Something I spent hours debating myself since I was confused on what the difference was). Now I am questioning whether I ever did love them, even though I was so sure of it before. After all this I am not sure I can stay in a relationship with this person anymore, but we have been together so long and they just spent a ton of their own money to visit me and I don't want to lose them as a friend. I just don't understand how they just assumed I was lying to them and that I was going to be "normal" when we met, despite how much I talked about it and reminded them of it. Maybe all this isn't really a deal breaker, I am just so unsure of myself now. Maybe with time I would be more comfortable with them but right now I am just not ready and I feel like they can't accept that. Thoughts?

[Guest]

Thoughts... they knew you were ace and not into all that and it's their own fault if they wasted both your time and their money thinking it was a lie. 

 

They want something more traditional. You want something else. I'd call it a failed experiment and move on. Happens with relationships and it sucks, but you can find someone who will actually be OK with what you want. 

[Karst]

I'm sorry you had to deal with that.  Better luck next time, I guess.

[wyrdwyrm]

Aw, this sucks. *Hugs*

 

 

I keep running into how difficult it is to explain asexuality to a sexual person - even with a lot of conversation, there's still a lot of miscommunication to describe a lack of something integral to their existence. (Like trying to explain "I don't breathe air" or "I don't eat potatoes"; that second one has been MY WHOLE LIFE.)

With some time, distance, and decent conversation you might salvage the friendship, but it ultimately sounds like the two of you are looking for different things in a relationship. 😢 

[Guest]

They sound kooky.

[NickyTannock]

@ConfusedBee Welcome to AVEN!

 

It seems for a lot of people, Sexual Attraction and Romantic Attraction are closely linked.

So in your online conversations, they assumed that because you're romantically interested in them, you were pretending not to be sexually interested in them.

And, now that they've realised you're not sexually interested in them, they assume you were pretending to be romantically interested in them.

I think that you likely are in love with them, but to them, a romantic relationship without sex is just friendship.

 

I'm probably not the best person to advise since, in my case, I've never had or desired a romantic relationship.

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, and here's a Dog cake (all edible),

http://cakesdecor.com/cakes/297430-dog

[LeChat]

40 minutes ago, ConfusedBee said:

...They then went off about how I was making them feel bad and how sh*tty it was that I wasn't attracted to them and that "I'm not attracted to anyone" isn't a good excuse...

Woah. That's totally not cool to blame you, when you already had explained that you were asexual and weren't attracted to them. Plus, not having an attraction isn't your fault, an "excuse," or a choice; it's just how some people are.

 

I'm sorry you went through all that. A few years ago, when I told a guy who kept repeating that he wanted a relationship--including physical--with me that I didn't date and wasn't interested, he continued to try to pressure me, saying that he understood if I was shy and wanted to go slow, if I'd been in an abusive relationship in the past, that he would be okay with waiting. But, he still kept mentioning that he'd really like to hold me, so it was obvious that he wouldn't be as patient as he'd claimed he would. He, literally, said that all people, eventually, want a relationship with someone; so, I guess he didn't really believe me when I said I didn't date and wasn't interested in dating, anyone. So, he thought he could change me.

[RosyLeo]

I'm not gonna tell you whether or not to stay in this relationship.  I'm just gonna say that you deserve to be understood and accepted for who you are without question.  To me it is a major red flag if someone continues touching you or doing things that you have expressed you don't want.  Also, their claim that you are making them feel bad sounds like it might be gaslighting.

 

Obviously I don't know the whole picture but these are just my reckons based on what you said.

[NickyTannock]

@wyrdwyrm No joke, but I don't eat potatoes.

[Catserole]

Online and real life are very different things and it's easier to 'fill in the blanks' and assume that the bits you don't see online are they way you'd like them to be. There was never any guarantee that you'd feel the same way when you met in person and it's unreasonable of them to put blame on you.

 

Two of my friends met online and then successfully carried that over into meatspace, one even moving to another country so they could be together, but it's almost like starting over again. If this doesn't feel right to you, and if they don't respect your boundaries, be prepared to move on.

[wyrdwyrm]

3 minutes ago, MichaelTannock said:

@wyrdwyrm No joke, but I don't eat potatoes.

OMG YOU ARE MY NEW FAVORITE PERSON

(I'm not alone! Yay!)

[Lord Jade Cross]

I have to agree with what others have said. Even if the relationship had begun in real life from the get go and this person still insisted on the "its not a good enough excuse", all that would mean would be that they did not want to pay attention  to what was discussed. 

 

Anf if they spent money coming to see you and it did not pan out, again, it would be no different than having gone out on a date and figured out that the whole thing was not going to work out. That is what dating is about, sometimes you get the"happily ever afters" and sometimes you get a "better luck next time". It sounds like in this case, the latter came true. 

 

If this person is not willing to show respect, you can politely tell them that you believe this wont work out and move on.

 

  

[Anthracite_Impreza]

If they can't respect you, or even believe you, this is never going to be a healthy relationship. Chalk it up to experience and move on before you waste any more of each others' time.

[SithLord]

1 hour ago, ConfusedBee said:

They then went off about how I was making them feel bad and how sh*tty it was that I wasn't attracted to them and that "I'm not attracted to anyone" isn't a good excuse.

That's a huge red flag to me. Imagine if you were on the first date with this person and they said that. You'd stop there and no longer pursue a relationship, right? Same as now, since the past two years online is entirely different than being with them in real life. Unless your relationship will always be 100% online, this is a big problem. 

 

I'd say mourn the last two years but break it off and try to move on. If they can't respect what you've repeatedly told them about yourself, then they don't deserve you.

[idkwmoi]

It's almost impossible to regain trust once it's broken and in my opinion, they just broke that trust. I feel it's even more hurtful that they spent 2 years building that trust only to act like that in person. I would be more likely to forgive if it was a day or two, but 2 years? Come on. They knew what they were doing.

[Snao Cone]

I think it says a lot about what a partner might be expecting for a relationship as a whole if they go to visit in person like this and complain that they thought it would pan out based on their fantasies rather than reality. 

[Disco_Tilly]

I'm sorry you went through this, it must feel awful! 

 

There is a lot of great advice here so far. I think @t. Ro has an excellent point about gaslighting and @Snao van der Cone has en excellent point about what their response says about their expectations for a relationship as a whole. 

 

They clearly couldn't handle their own emotional response to your well established and communicated boundaries so they became defensive and emotionally manipulative. 

 

Only you can decide where your boundaries need to be for you to feel safe and comfortable again. I wish you luck and hope you know there is a great network of support here for you no matter what you decide. 

[Sally]

Sorry this happened to you.  It's possible -- or even probable -- that they thought "Sure, she's saying this and that, but once she meets me, she'll realize she feels differently, so I'll just be a good guy until then."  On-line relationships can't really be full relationships, because you don't really meet the whole person.  It's too easy to just ignore what you don't want to hear.  

[Philip027]

The only thing I'll say in this guy's defense is that it really is kind of confusing when we (as in anyone, not just guys) are told by someone that we've supposedly been in a relationship with for 2 years that they are not attracted to us in any way.  I mean, if that were the case, why are you even still there, and why would you call it dating/relationship in the first place?  I can see that easily feeling misleading enough for some to become upset about it.

 

Other than that though, he very clearly dismissed at least some of what you said, was superimposing some degree of fantasy over the actual reality, and then pinned the blame on you when said fantasy was broken, and all that still isn't cool.

[GlamRocker]

PIECE OF SHIT ALERT

 

This guy is the same dude who thinks, "She's only a lesbian because she hasn't had a good #$*& yet."

[Lara Black]

Hello, @ConfusedBee

I’m sorry you ran into this experience. It has already been said that for most of us, sexuals, romantic and sexual attractions are completely intertwined. Another thing is, many of us assume that all people are sexual – if you say you’re not, then you just haven’t met the right person yet.

Your partner behaved shitty, no doubt, but their illusions are sadly understandable. Sence they can’t accept you for who you really are, there isn’t much future for your relationships. Sorry. Maybe it’s better to meet earlier in the relationship or to keep your relationships strickly long-distance – switching from virtual reality to meat space is a bit test for any romance.

[Lisa Smith]

I've had dating site profiles that say in the heading 'asexual' and no one pays attention. People are idiots! Sorry you had to deal with this but at least you won't be wasting any more time on them as you know what they are x

[Catserole]

8 hours ago, Philip027 said:

The only thing I'll say in this guy's defense is that it really is kind of confusing when we (as in anyone, not just guys) are told by someone that we've supposedly been in a relationship with for 2 years that they are not attracted to us in any way. 

In the context of moving from purely distance/online to meeting up in person ... I think this is the outcome more often than not. Disappointing for both parties? Certainly, but not confusing, or surprising, and definitely not misleading.

[Guest]

8 hours ago, GlamRocker said:

PIECE OF SHIT ALERT

I lol'd

[ConfusedBee]

Thank you all for your replies! It has really helped me put everything into context and made me feel much better about the whole situation. I'm going to have a talk with them about all this but I think I am just going to have to try again next time. 

 

@MichaelTannock Thanks for welcoming me and thank you for the cake! I love dogs!

 

[ConfusedBee]

9 hours ago, Philip027 said:

The only thing I'll say in this guy's defense is that it really is kind of confusing when we (as in anyone, not just guys) are told by someone that we've supposedly been in a relationship with for 2 years that they are not attracted to us in any way.  I mean, if that were the case, why are you even still there, and why would you call it dating/relationship in the first place?  I can see that easily feeling misleading enough for some to become upset about it.

 

Other than that though, he very clearly dismissed at least some of what you said, was superimposing some degree of fantasy over the actual reality, and then pinned the blame on you when said fantasy was broken, and all that still isn't cool.

I totally understand this, I don't blame them because I know it is confusing. I just couldn't explain it well enough to them I guess, and I do understand where they are coming from and how this has hurt them as well. 

[lapat67]

Where a real life relationship is concerned, I agree with what most people have said. This person is not respecting your boundaries and there is absolutely no reason for you (or them) to blame yourself, or to think this is ever going to work.

 

I'd say, though, that you've been communicating with this person for 2 years, so that must work well. They can't physically overstep any boundaries online, so, unless meeting in person has changed the virtual boundaries, I would suggest it's well worth the effort to try and salvage the online contact.

 

By the way, I think a cake of something so cuddly is gross. How could you even think of eating that?

[greenflamingo]

I'm sorry you are going through this. It sounds like you are emotionally invested in your relationship with this person, and their rejection is very painful. I can relate to your situation. I have been in at least 3 relationships where I made my sexuality clear, but my partner continued to push for physical intimacy and felt bad/rejected when I said no. It can be hard to trust people after experiences like that. Because of those experiences, I'm constantly afraid when I date, because I believe that at any moment, the person will start making demands and dump me if I say no. It's impossible to believe people when they say they accept me the way I am. I also feel very guilty for not reacting the "right" way. 

 

My advice is firstly to be kind to yourself. Don't force yourself to try and accommodate his wishes because he spent money to come see you and you "ruined everything" by being who you are. If your time with him/her is full of self-loathing and extreme discomfort, there is no way you can build a good relationship. You will only feel relief when your guest leaves. You deserve better from a relationship. You deserve to be in a relationship where you enjoy spending time with your partner, and feel good about yourself afterwards. 

 

I would also recommend letting go of the allure of online relationships. As others have mentioned, it's so easy to read between the lines and see what you want to see in people when you only interact online. Your connection can feel so deep and honest, but it's an illusion. I used to play online games 30+ hours a week, for almost 10 years. I had a lot of friends who were super nice to me and always interested in what I had to say. I could tell them anything about my life. It felt good. Meeting them in person was always a huge letdown. When you see them in person, they become real. It's a completely different feeling. I remember meeting a guy I had talked to every day for years, and one of the first things I learned was that he's a homophobe. How did that not come up in our many talks? Real life and online life actually have very little in common, even if you spend most of your time online (which I don't anymore, thank god.) 

[BeakLove]

To be honest it just sounds like the online relationships you cultivated were very shallow. I don't think there's some mythical thing that happens when you meet them in real life. We're actually not very good at reading people, generally. 

[Guest]

On 9/5/2019 at 7:35 AM, Philip027 said:

The only thing I'll say in this guy's defense is that it really is kind of confusing when we (as in anyone, not just guys) are told by someone that we've supposedly been in a relationship with for 2 years that they are not attracted to us in any way.  I mean, if that were the case, why are you even still there, and why would you call it dating/relationship in the first place?  I can see that easily feeling misleading enough for some to become upset about it.

Guessing by not attracted, the context is sexually attracted... the way I read the OP is the guy got handsy IRL and was asking "What, you didn't magically become sexually attracted to me from meeting up?" Which then lead to the OP questioning their romantic feelings since they weren't into the physical affection side of the relationship like the person wanted them to be.