Jump to content

The line between demi and normal sexual


Guest

Recommended Posts

I technically would be demi, I guess. I have only ever been sexually attracted to one person (despite several long term romantic relationships). But... I don't personally find the term useful so I just say sexual. 

 

But, I guess it can be useful to find and date others like you. Since most people are sexually attracted to many, many people and demis aren't. It can become a complication.  

 

I can't regular date though since I need a long time knowing a person to be OK kissing etc. Has to develop from friendship. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 2 weeks later...
On 9/4/2019 at 6:47 AM, Snao van der Cone said:

This is more or less how I've come to understand it too, with "zero sexual attraction" not just meaning not having found the right person yet, but also not suffering from it due to sexual needs being unmet (that can't be satisfied solo).

This might be considered too narrow by some because I know some people are demi- 'hopefuls' who are hoping they will develop feelings if they find the right person but I really like this definition. I added 'demi' to my romantic (alterous) label and then instantly stuck a grey on it as well because demi felt like it wasn't enough to convey how utterly uninterested I was with the whole thing* but this pretty much sums it up. I have had a moment when I was questioning if what I felt was 'something more' so I clarify myself as demi but that doesn't mean I'm actually interested normally.

 

On 9/4/2019 at 4:38 AM, CBC said:

That's why I think what we call demisexual is either so common so as to not need to be a term at all OR it denotes something incredibly rare (like not feeling any iota of sexual desire until you've known and been close to someone for literal years). I really don't have much use for the term.

*basically yes, demi does seem to be 'too common to be useful' in some cases. My 'from outside the community' understanding of demi is 'needing an emotional connection before you can feel attracted to someone' which as mentioned could be considered a very common thing so I added a 'grey' to show rarity.

Link to post
Share on other sites

This is one reason why I just stick with the label asexual even though I’d probably be considered demi. I have a hard time with that line as well! It took five years for me to feel any sexual attraction to my now husband. I married him feeling nothing and having never felt anything like that for people I’m close to that I’ve known much longer! It’s only been in the last few months that I’ve started feeling things towards him. Not having sexual attraction towards the person you love and are married to is definitely not common, but I don’t even know if it was emotional bond or a fluke or what caused my feelings to change!

Link to post
Share on other sites
On 9/4/2019 at 10:21 AM, Ortac said:

Is sex one of the things in Maslow's hierarchy? I didn't think it was. Maybe it should be!

Is this the ace version?

 

Image result for maslow's hierarchy of bees

 

 

Link to post
Share on other sites

I don't think "propensity towards hookups" really defines this one way or the other, at all. 

 

I think that if you can find random people (sexually) attractive, without even really knowing them at all, that is the line between sexual and demisexual.  That's not to say that you would actually have/consider sex with every such person you found attractive; most would not, for various reasons.  But I feel like someone who's demi wouldn't even be able to get that far.  The "really knowing them at all" element is crucial before the attraction/interest can even develop.

 

And since I already see posters in this thread saying that most people are demisexual, I really don't think that most people fit this particular criteria.  Most people CAN find random people they don't know attractive, and I don't think these posters realize how alienating it can feel to not experience that, to a similar sort of degree that asexuality can feel alienating (there's a reason why demisexuals may often think they're asexual at first, and why they get so conflated in general).  We go though periods as early as adolescence already witnessing this behavior in our peers.  Media featuring romance/sex is built around the idea that people can relate to being able to find people attractive without really knowing them.  And why shouldn't it?  Most people can do that, therefore they can relate to it.  Media is written toward the majority; that's how it sells.

Link to post
Share on other sites

For my wife and I the main difference is this. She is able to see exceedingly realistic images in her mind. She becomes attracted easily. Because she is married she feels that this can sometimes be inappropriate and can even lead to temptation. To avoid the anxiety that comes from this she deliberately avoids situations where something could possibly happen, even if the chance is remote

 

Since I never see images in my mind and never ever get attracted to anybody else I do not feel this pressure to avoid situations. But my wife tells me she would rather I would avoid certain situations because it makes her feel respected. She worries that I 'could' get attracted

 

I could give you many examples but generally when discussing this subject my wife talks about how she stops herself from becoming attracted to other people, whereas I usually don't have a clue what she is going on about

 

Hence, why we need AVEN

Link to post
Share on other sites
Alejandrogynous

I don't know about an exact line (can there be an exact line in what is considered "normal?") but I see demisexuality as an inability to experience sexual desire towards a person until there's a strong emotional bond AND after an unusually long time. Months, years, etc. It's not a case of, "I need to be comfortable with you before wanting sex, let's wait until we know each other better." It's more, "I really like you but I honestly have no idea if I'll ever want sex with you. Maybe sometime down the line, eventually, those feelings might happen. But maybe not. Date at your own risk."

 

Basically, a demisexual is someone who is effectively asexual until a very specific criteria, which takes a long time to achieve and there's no guarantee that it will ever happen, is met.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Alejandrogynous

Or, a demisexual is what every sexual hopes their asexual partner will be even after we tell them it's never going to happen. "But maybe someday!" Nah, bro.

Link to post
Share on other sites
On 9/4/2019 at 8:42 AM, Serran said:

I technically would be demi, I guess. I have only ever been sexually attracted to one person (despite several long term romantic relationships). But... I don't personally find the term useful so I just say sexual.

Same

Link to post
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...