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Struggling *rant*


PeeledPaper

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My partner has recently confirmed their Asexuality after over a year of sexual rejection.

 

Partner likes erotic/sexy/pretty images of women on Instagram on a daily basis, including pictures of exes, but never validates my appearance verbally or otherwise. Although, they have occasionally laughed when I’ve said something good about myself.

Which is humiliating and leaves me feeling disgusting and angry, especially considering they are aware of a previous eating disorder.

Physical affection is extremely limited/one sided (a light kiss on the lips or a cuddle) and is mostly initiated by me. Partner will request affection but is unwilling/unenthusiastic to return it.

Verbal affection is basically non existent and verbal confirmation of any romantic feelings is also non existent.

 

I’m feeling very hurt and as though I’ve been lied to. I feel like I’m giving a lot and trying so hard to be strong, understanding and to read between the lines in order to feel loved.

But, more and more I wondering if I’m just an idiot.

I’ve noticed that Partner is messaging people on Snapchat and I’m at the point where my insecurities are telling me that they’re flirting. Which is probably a very unreasonable assumption, so I’ve kept it to myself.

 

This is less of a discussion and more of a rant. I know that this is something we need to discuss together but, I feel like I can’t rant to them without being a bad person.

I don’t want them to feel bad about their asexuality. I just want to be treated better. I guess my question is: how much of this behaviour is asexuality and how much is it being a dickhead? 

 

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29 minutes ago, PeeledPaper said:

My partner has recently confirmed their Asexuality after over a year of sexual rejection.

 

Partner likes erotic/sexy/pretty images of women on Instagram on a daily basis, including pictures of exes, but never validates my appearance verbally or otherwise. Although, they have occasionally laughed when I’ve said something good about myself.

Which is humiliating and leaves me feeling disgusting and angry, especially considering they are aware of a previous eating disorder.

I guess my question is: how much of this behaviour is asexuality and how much is it being a dickhead

29 minutes ago, PeeledPaper said:

Physical affection is extremely limited/one sided (a light kiss on the lips or a cuddle) and is mostly initiated by me. Partner will request affection but is unwilling/unenthusiastic to return it.

I guess my question is: how much of this behaviour is asexuality and how much is it being a dickhead

29 minutes ago, PeeledPaper said:

Verbal affection is basically non existent and verbal confirmation of any romantic feelings is also non existent.

 

 

I guess my question is: how much of this behaviour is asexuality (sounds more aromantic behavior) and how much is it being a dickhead? 

29 minutes ago, PeeledPaper said:

 

This is less of a discussion and more of a rant. I know that this is something we need to discuss together but, I feel like I can’t rant to them without being a bad person.

I don’t want them to feel bad about their asexuality. I just want to be treated better. I guess my question is: how much of this behaviour is asexuality and how much is it being a dickhead? 

 

I've bolded the answer under each behavior. 

 

Basically... he's being a jerk to you. And you don't have to put up with it. 

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Imagine if your partner was just a sexual, straight person. 

 

Would it be acceptable for them to like erotic pictures of women on a daily basis (INCLUDING EXES), never validate your appearance, laugh at you when you try to be good to yourself, be utterly insensitive about your eating disorder, be unenthusiastic about giving you affection of any kind, and flirt with people on Snapchat?

 

What if your best friend's partner was doing this to them? What would you tell your friend?

 

Asexuality is not a pass to disrespect a partner, or emotionally cheat on them. Even if some elements of this behavior were based in asexuality, it would never be an excuse for him to treat you this way. 

 

He's dickheadsexual. 

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Hmm...with your partner treating you like that, along with all of their behavior (i.e. looking at pictures of women on a daily basis), I'm not even sure whether or not to trust your partner's word that they're asexual. I don't know whether they might be a sexual person who's fallen out of love with you, but just wants to claim they're asexual.

 

I'm sorry that they're treating you like that. Not all asexuals or aromantic people treat their partner like that.

 

 

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This is NOT acceptable behavior. 

Read this. This will give you an idea about how people try to work through mixed relationships if you haven’t read it already. This will give you idea of what constitutes a typical struggle based on the asexuality of your partner and what is him being a grade A douche, or in case you want to work through things (NOT recommended) it will give you support and ideas.

 

Disclaimer: I only mentioned the second because choosing to stay with him is ultimately your decision. However, I think far more important than researching Asexuality you should read about what constitutes emotional and psychological abuse. Maybe narcissistic abuse as well. Don’t feel like you have to pity him for his asexuality, it sounds like he’s doing perfectly fine. At this moment you are the one in distress so please prioritize yourself.

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That isn't asexuality; the guy just isn't into you.  And yeah, kind of a dickhead.

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You need to take the upper hand and dump this loser on his ass. See if he's still laughing when all he has is Instagram models to perve at but no one to keep him warm at night.

 

And don't take him back, even if he begs. Take back your power instead and find someone who will treat you with the love, kindness, and respect that you deserve. Or be happily single, because that's good too! :)

 

:cake:

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Hello, @PeeledPaper

I agree with the comments here that this isn’t about asexuality – it’s about your partner’s personality.

It might seem easier to avoid this topic with your partner – people tend to ignore something they don’t like because it’s too scary to clear the air. But, of course, the problem won’t just go away. So I do recommend that you discuss this matter thoroughly – and it’s not just about talking. After you come to a conclusion, observe whether something actually changes – it’s just too easy to say “Yes, yes, things will get better”. It is possible that your partner will change their behavior, but there is also high probability that they will promise to change and do nothing.

Best of luck to you.

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Anthracite_Impreza

Your partner doesn't sound ace to me, it sounds like they just want their cake and eat it too. Get rid, find someone who'll treat you with respect.

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I agree with others..  A-hole is not a protected category, nor a sexual orientation. 

 

If he has become unattacted to you, he should end the relationship in as  nice a way as he can. 

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This guy is not your partner.  He's  not acting like a partner acts; he's not even acting like a casual friend acts.  Obviously he's getting something out of this relationship, but you aren't; he's simply making you feel bad.  

 

And no, this isn't asexual behavior.  Asexuals don't exhibit any certain type of behavior; they simply don't want sex.  Otherwise, they're just as individual as sexuals are.

 

He is a dick.  Get out of the relationship or you will continue to feel worse and worse.  

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This doesn't sound like a real relationship to me, I think you need to let this person go.

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Yep, this dude is using you, and unless you like being treated like this, you really should leave and don't look back, before something terrible happens to you. 

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  • 4 weeks later...

Leave him and never look back, and if that hurts him then he can show it by being a better person to the next partner he traps, don't take him back.

 

If you feel hurt, crushed, rejected, neglected, upset, guilty, or anything so negative while you're around him, when he talks to you, when he ignores you, when he's not there for you, then he's not in a relationship with you, you're serving him. Don't idolize him, people don't generally change that much, don't think it'll get better.

 

If he can't look at you and actually see you, if he can't grow as a person and grow up in general, then he's not matured enough for a relationship, and you should leave him to grow up or stay alone. But if you slap him with the truth, and he looks up and finally notices you, and finally understands what's going on, then that's great!

 

You're independent, and you don't need anyone in order to feel good about you, and you definitely don't need that much negativity in your life.

 

 

 

I would say this, talk to him openly and honesty and boldly and respectively. Discuss this problem. If he can't be an adult about it, and talk to you reasonably, and he doesn't treat you with the respect that you deserve, then he's not worth you because you're better than that and you need someone who will treat you right.

 

And if he's sooo saaad about being put in his place then he can go out and earn a better place in the world. If he can't be an adult he shouldn't be in a relationship.

 

NOTE: I know this is an old post, but I needed to vent my frustration from reading this.

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