Nervous about my first time, and scared of losing someone

[doveatfirstsight]

Hey everyone,

I'm 26, somewhere on the grey scale (probably demisexual, but I still don't know yet), and a virgin. So I really like this girl, and I think she really likes me too, which is awesome.  We've spent quite a lot of time together before we realised we liked each other, and have been texting a lot since too. This weekend, she's coming to stay with me and I'm fairly sure that sex is on the cards. Sex is important to her, and I like her so much that I want to be the guy that gives her everything she'd like.

 

Problem is, I'm nervous about the whole thing, and have all sorts of things going through my mind. She also doesn't know anything about my asexuality yet, or that I'm still a virgin for that matter. I think I'm most scared of losing her from my life - it's not every day that someone that means this much to me comes along! What or how much I should tell her? And will I even be able to do it when it comes to it?

 

Any advice would be much appreciated. Has anyone had similar experiences, and how did it pan out for you?

[Lord Jade Cross]

No personal experience on this but seen enough cases to have an idea of how these things work.

 

Unfortunately, youre not going to like what Im about to say. Yes its great when you can connect with someone but when sex gets involved and the people in it are on opposite ends, it rarely if ever works out. I know you may think "but I really like her so Im sure we can figure something out" and while its a noble thought, when you get down to it, if youre not at par in this area, before long, it will erode the relationship until it breaks it, seen one too many cases that go the same way.

 

I would be upfront and honest about being ace and see how she reacts before any sex happens, because omitting this will make it worse in the long run, especially since its all too easy for a person to feel betrayed when not sexually desired even if you have no ill intent on it.

 

Be prepared for both a possitive and a negative outcome. 

 

 

 

 

[✿ Camelia ✿]

Hi

I'm happy you found someone this important to you and I hope everything works wonderfully. 

I can't exactly give you specific advice as I never found myself in such a situation, doubt I can even relate exactly but... I would try to tell her. Simply because it is healthy to discuss boundaries with your partner before. This doesn't apply to aces only, this applies to all sexual orientations out there and all relationships sorts out there. As much as it is more needed for intimate relationship ofc. And don't forget you mustn't be the only one opening up about your boundaries. You should also care and ask about hers, as everyone has some. Of whatever kind. It also might take some pressure off of you on top of letting you learn something more about her?

 

Also, I'm like the only ace person in my circles of friends, thus I ended up hearing --unnecessarily I must add-- all about my friends' firsts experiences. And... no-one is hardly as smooth as they make you believe in the "tales". Because each person is different, no matter the experience you bring with you into new relationships you will still not know about the other.

I also kind of don't like the "lose virginity" idea. You aren't losing anything. You are gaining a new experience. Just as much as who doesn't have sex ever isn't missing anything, simply not engaging in what does not interest/attract them. Maybe looking at it this way there will be less pressure on you? I do still believe you should never force yourself if you aren't willing, but if you want to then there is the "loss of virginity" for literally everything as it simply means doing something for the first time.   

[doveatfirstsight]

These are both great replies, thank you so much for the advice. You've convinced me that opening up and talking about it is 100% the right thing to do, and all I can do is see how she responds.

 

I'm hopeful that even if it means it's not going to work for her that we can still at least be friends - after all, we started out as friends before realising we were a bit more than that.

 

1 hour ago, ✿ Camelia ✿ said:

Also, I'm like the only ace person in my circles of friends

Me too - that's exactly why this space is great to discuss, as the advice I get from my friends is good, but not always the most relevant for me. Usually something along the lines of "just see where it takes you, and things might happen".

 

Also really appreciate the positive thinking of 'gaining an experience'. I think if it feels right for us, which I really hope it can, then this is the right way to approach it. I think I'm generally quite a confident guy, and things do feel good when we're together, so fingers crossed things might work out for us!

 

I'll be sure to keep you posted, and hopefully other people might find sharing this helpful for them too 😊

[Marlow1]

I am Demisexual, I am 63 years old man. I met my wife 30 years ago, two years later we began with a romantic relationship which later became a sexual relationship, she is the only person that I have ever been attracted to. Letting my wife be the leader in regards to our sex life, and many other things, has been the answer for me. A book that has helped us both is called Kosher Sex by Rabbi Shmuley. This book has enabled both of us to communicate our needs. Posting and reading posts here at AVEN has also helped. We are in therapy. We are both very content and despite the major differences in the way we experience attraction we are both very happy and glad that we have worked hard to keep our relationship working. If you want to message me feel free to do so. 

[✿ Camelia ✿]

Being confident is the first ingredient. I'm crossing my fingers for you 😊

[everywhere and nowhere]

15 hours ago, CBC said:

You don't have to tell her you've never had sex before, but if you're comfortable doing so, it could be helpful for her to know that. If she's someone who cares about you, that shouldn't matter. She likes you for you.  

I think it's better to tell her. If she herself has some experience, she will anyway probably be able to recognise it, but it's less awkward to tell her beforehand.

[doveatfirstsight]

Thanks again for all your helpful responses and support. Just a quick update - we spent a really good weekend together, and slept together but didn't actually have sex for other emotional / relationship reasons, rather than my asexuality or anything to do with not wanting to - I think I've learnt I'm demisexual as a result, which is a good piece of self-discovery I guess... I said I was 'inexperienced', which she accepted with almost no reaction, which was a real help. Something might happen in future, and whenever that is, I don't think I'll be anywhere near as nervous about it.

 

So yeah, my advice to anyone in a similar position - be open and honest, be as confident as you can be, and with a bit of luck and the right kind of person, things will go well.

[Marlow1]

 

@doveatfirstsight

 

So glad to hear things turned out well for you. Please keep us posted. Shares like yours can help other Demisexual men. There is only linited information out there for Demisexual guys. I really appreciate you sharing your story with us

[Sally]

On 9/2/2019 at 2:56 PM, doveatfirstsight said:

These are both great replies, thank you so much for the advice. You've convinced me that opening up and talking about it is 100% the right thing to do, and all I can do is see how she responds.

 

That's a great attitude.  You can't control how she reacts, but it's good you understand that she deserves to know right away.