Navigating demisexuality - listening to myself and creating boundaries

[Ferocious Cub]

New here.  I'm demisexual.  (Also greygender & disexual, but that's not what I came to talk about today.  If those words are new to you, nonbinary and bisexual are acceptable substitutes for the moment).  I guess I'll start with some background.  I spent a lot of my teens and twenties confused about my sexuality.  I fell in love once.  We dated for a year.  She dumped me and broke my heart.  Mid twenties, I became religious, dated for marriage, married a man.  Because of the religious stuff, there was no fooling around of any sort before the wedding night, which was more than okay with me.  Starting out in our marriage, I mostly had sex because it was expected.  I wanted the intimacy sex was purported to bring.  Over the years, I found myself MORE interested in sex, meanwhile, he became less interested.  I think he might be somewhere on the asexual spectrum, but he doesn't seem interested in discussing or learning about it.  While we were religious, I made do with some of the other issues in our life.  The religion sort of held things together.  Over the years, he became less and less religious until he finally told me he didn't believe or want to practice at all.  About 2 years ago, I gave up on religion too (I still have a lot of mixed feelings about it, but that is a discussion for another time).  A year later, our marriage fell apart.  The lack of sex in our relationship was a bit difficult, but I could have worked around that.  What I found I couldn't work around was the lack of cuddles.  I've come to the realization that I need a lot of sensual intimacy, whether or not sex is involved, and any relationship I'm in going forward needs to include that.

Anyway, here I am.  Somewhere in the middle of our marriage, I found the word demisexual.  Hey, that's me!  But now that I'm single, I'm only just starting to figure out how to navigate it.  It's really hard.  I want intimacy a lot.  Mostly cuddles, but eventually, yeah, sex too.  It's just really hard to find people I actually want intimacy with.

I've a had a few people express interest in me in the past year, but I tend to shy away.  I have this problem where other people's emotions/ desires take up a lot of space in my mind and I have a hard time focusing on my own needs and wants.  I am afraid I will go too far trying to please people and feel uncomfortable or regret it.  So I tend to shut a lot of stuff down before it can begin.

I had one sort of fling this year where in retrospect, I really only wanted sensual interaction, and they wanted sexual.  I guess I didn't really have the words to describe the difference at the time, so I didn't communicate my desires well.

I had another person I had just met who I thought maybe could be something eventually.  I explained I was demisexual and I just wanted to be friends first.  They seemed really cool about it, but mysteriously never seem to have time to hang out as friends. *Eye roll here*

Now I have a new potential something in my life, but I am scared.  Scared of getting his hopes up.  Of "leading him on."  Scared of not paying attention to my own comfort levels and pushing myself too far.  I know I need to work on listening to myself and setting boundaries, but I hate how hard it is.  I just wish it could be simple.  I wish I could just LIKE people, the way the rest of the world does.  Or just have friends, and let attraction sneak up on me until, one day I was READY for everything.  But I'm not terribly social.  And when I do fall for friends, there's a decent chance it won't be reciprocated anyway.  So, I have to find a way to step outside my comfort zone while still being true to my desires.  I guess I'm not sure what I'm looking for today.  I just wanted to put out into the great beyond that I am having a hard time, but I'm trying, and it's scary, and I don't know how to do it.

[Disco_Tilly]

Hey, @Ferocious Cub

 

Thanks for sharing your story! I am sorry you have had these frustrating experiences on your way to figuring out your preferences and needs. I can definitely relate to several parts of your story, especially the part about being scared and learning how to set your boundaries even when it's scary and sometimes feels isolating. 

 

I wish I could offer more advice or a success story or something, but I'm afraid I'm kind of in a similar place. I don't know how to do it, either. I CAN offer solidarity and validation! I'm glad we are both here and figuring it out, no matter how slow or painful the process is! 

 

Hang in there! 🍰

[Moon6Shadow]

On 9/1/2019 at 12:16 AM, Ferocious Cub said:

Now I have a new potential something in my life, but I am scared.  Scared of getting his hopes up.  Of "leading him on."  Scared of not paying attention to my own comfort levels and pushing myself too far.  I know I need to work on listening to myself and setting boundaries, but I hate how hard it is.  I just wish it could be simple.  I wish I could just LIKE people, the way the rest of the world does.  Or just have friends, and let attraction sneak up on me until, one day I was READY for everything.  But I'm not terribly social.  And when I do fall for friends, there's a decent chance it won't be reciprocated anyway.  So, I have to find a way to step outside my comfort zone while still being true to my desires.  I guess I'm not sure what I'm looking for today.  I just wanted to put out into the great beyond that I am having a hard time, but I'm trying, and it's scary, and I don't know how to do it.

Oh mood. ❤️ Reminds me of when I first started Questioning after a friend asked me out and I just panicked. I knew for ages I probably fell on the acespec somewhere (and arospec although I didn't know what that was yet) but I never really cared enough about romantic relationships to put a label to it, I was utterly obsessed with the (emotional) relationships between fandom characters instead. 'Besides most Asexuals wouldn't be reading BDSM in their teens right?' (For those who don't know BDSM when written well (and fanfic rather then mainstream smut) is great at emotional relationships, way better then traditional romance stories anyway. XD)

 

I did have a tiny bit of experience in relationships if you count turning down someone when I realised I was leading them on instead of just being friends (becoming friends anyway) and they went cold turkey on me and it was just like, well okay then. Except I didn't really know that person, but the friend who asked me out? Yeah... that was more complicated. There was very much the back and forth panic of 'am I demi? If I say yes will I be leading them on? will 'it' happen if I just stay around them? what does romantic attraction feel like? Can I imagine having sex with him, kissing him? Getting married to him? Living together? Can I handle some other person being in my personal space all the time? (I was being unrealistic with 'all the time' but still)' aaaand basically full blown panic over the demi question and 'what even is romantic and sexual attraction or being attracted to a certain gender for that matter.. oh hello Quoi(romantic)'. I was sort of thankful to my panicked past self who turned the friend down instantly since that way I didn't have to go through freaking out about being Demi and if I was leading (another) person on or not, this one someone I actually wanted to keep. Well I say didn't freak out about it, still did just not while in a romantic relationship with someone. I've settled as a Quoialterious (etc.) since and basically been content to let things fall back into the status quo (after an awkward period) so can't really help you in regards to seeking someone out but basically.... yeah mood. You're not the only one who has been through the '(Am I Demi?) Will I be leading them on?' freak out. For me, turns out I'm demi just not romantic (or romantic is confusing at least).