Bad experiences with or even angry reactions to your coming out?

[Yophe]

Ever since I started to deal with this topic and learn more about myself, I have been thinking about how coming out would be. My family would certainly accept it. However, I am a rather exposed person and in my cultural and social local environment this information would make quite a big impact. But I have to say that I move in very liberal circles. Many of my friends are gay and involved in LGBTQIA*. Actually, I would even like to become a bit of an ambassador for the A in LGBTQIA* in my community. And it should also make a lot of other things easier. For example the relationship search, because the cards are placed on the table and it is easier to find them. It should also be nice to be able to stand openly to oneself.
 

But what are the downsides? Were there friends who turned away from you? Former relationship partners who felt pushed in the face? Have you experienced other disadvantages? Or maybe there are even cases where the coming out was even a mistake in the end? What are your experiences?

Did a search on this topic, but surprisingly, I didn't find anything this specific.

[rainbowsprinklez 🐙💜🍬]

I’ve only come out to my family and one friend so far. They reacted pretty supportive. I’ve heard of negativity before because (and this is some random quotes I’ve heard others say people have said) there was stuff like “Oh, you should only be sharing stuff like that with your partner” or “it’s not like coming out as lesbian or gay” or “why even bother coming out it’s not that important”. So some have experienced anger or annoyance. I haven’t experienced this myself yet tho thankfully. Try looking on places like Instagram and u might find some stuff btw.  

[Yophe]

One thing that just came to my mind, that it could also scare potential relationship partners away, as getting into a relationship with an asexual might indicate that they're asexual as well, force into a coming out for them or least rise questions they'd rather not be asked by their friends and family.

[kilominata]

When I finally went into sexologist and finally found myself around age of 19 (3 yrs ago) when I started to telling it to my close friends who were amazed that I was single still, few of them started to turn out of me, some were saying that I will find a perfect girl for me and I will be fine, few were saying that I am somehow disabled and few accepted this fact as a great information for me because I stop struggle about who I am. Different people will say different things but one is true, it's not the common information you can tell anybody but in the other hand if you think it could relieve it from you is great and you should do it to people who you trust and love, they will stay with you and accept you no matter what.

[LeChat]

Hi. So, if I understand, correctly, you're looking for aces' bad, coming-out experiences?

 

If so, they're located in places like this thread, https://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/78085-asexual-people-of-color/, and this one, https://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/92745-asexualproblems/.

[Yophe]

12 minutes ago, InquisitivePhilosopher said:

Hi. So, if I understand, correctly, you're looking for aces' bad, coming-out experiences?

Kind of. I try to understand a bit what risks might have to be taken with a coming out, what I might not have taught about, how it might differ from a gay coming out, as I for sure would first talk to some gay friends about their experience before coming out myself.

Thanks for the links!

[crazy ace]

Someone told me they didn't want to be my friend anymore and that it was a sin, although I think he's moved on.

[Gingerpud]

I’ve come out to a few friends and all  have been supportive. One didn’t believe it existed and I spoke them through what it was and they understood to some extent. Someone once told me to see a therapist as it “isn’t normal “ but then came to understand it more and now (hopefully) doesn’t feel that way.

[PaganBugAce]

No matter how many times I think I come out to my mom, I still feel like she doesn't get it or is acting like she doesn't get it. I'm not really sure what to do anymore than just pretend or assume she does and keep reminding her. I mean there's a language barrier and outside of my mom I feel like any other family member its hard to do so. But in public like in college, people who get it definitely like the LGBTQ+ space, makes me feel better? I don't really know that much yet, but certainly am pretty open about being ace even though no one seems to understand what it means...

 

Most of the time I'm just met with pure confusion and give up, unless I'm on the internet and hang with other aces that get it.

[PaganBugAce]

1 hour ago, crazy ace said:

Someone told me they didn't want to be my friend anymore and that it was a sin, although I think he's moved on.

That's really unfortunate, yet humourus at the same time.

[LeChat]

1 hour ago, Yophe said:

Kind of. I try to understand a bit what risks might have to be taken with a coming out, what I might not have taught about, how it might differ from a gay coming out, as I for sure would first talk to some gay friends about their experience before coming out myself.

Thanks for the links!

You're welcome.

 

Well, as far as the differences between a gay person coming out and an asexual, @Slice of Ace is a homoromantic ace who's mentioned on his YouTube channel that one of the differences is that others understand more about what it means when someone comes out as gay, whereas, since asexuality is a newer sexual orientation, some asexuals have had to explain more about what it means to family members, friends, etc. (because they have misconceptions about asexuality or are confused about what being an asexual means).

[Yophe]

Thank you for all the insights. At least it looks like most people are rather confused or missing initial understanding than being angry or upset.

 

Going to see my sister in a couple of hours. We both were texting and mentioned that there‘s a lot going on lately and that we should meet and talk, since we havent for quite a while. I‘ll try bringing it up and then I‘ll see how it feels. Wish me luck!

[PaganBugAce]

1 hour ago, Yophe said:

Wish me luck!

Good luck! You can definitely do this!👍

[Yophe]

5 hours ago, PaganBugAce said:

Good luck! You can definitely do this!👍

Thank youI did and it went totally well. I explained how I felt, what I discovered during my researches and how it provided answers so many questions concerning my past. She listened, asked a few questions for clarification and was totally fine with it. She even thanked me for being so open and sharing it with her.

An hour later I also opened up to a girl I by far didn't know that well and only went out with for a couple of times, but had a good feeling about bringing it up as well, as we were talking about love, sex and recent relationship struggles anyway. When mentioning that I wasn't interested in sex at all, she asked if something happened in the past that traumatized me and that she can't understand how this could be the case otherwise. So I told her that there's also asexuality, she ask me if I am, which I answered with yes. And after explaining her the difference between ace and aro as well as the various forms of attraction, grey, demi etc, she really got into understanding the topic and even started deeply thinking and discussing about her own sexuality.

So what I've learned from that: As long as the person you want to open it up to is open, honest, respectful and willing to broaden the horizon, coming out feels just right.

[idkwmoi]

Don't expect friends that are LGBT+ to automatically get it. They're probably more likely to accept it though. Almost all of my friends are LGBT+ and they all told me I just haven't met the right person, I need to get my hormones checked, cuddling is sex too, etc. Two of them, that are strangely both therapists, told me there's no such thing as asexuality. 

 

It seems so strange to me that it requires "coming out". It's essentially the same reaction I got when I said I was doing a vegan challenge for a month. It didn't seem like that big of a deal to me, but to them, it was like I was going against nature and must be shown the way.
 

[LeChat]

@Yophe Congrats, on coming out to those people! It's good to hear that they were accepting.

[Skycaptain]

@idkwmoi, your comment about therapists saying "there's no such thing as asexuality" I find very concerning. They are supposed to be properly trained in multiple subjects, including mental health issues. DSM-5, one of the major books on this subject, states that asexuality is an orientation, which precludes various disorders as being the reason for a lack of sexual desire. O

[Yophe]

That's really concerning. I just visited a psychologist today who's actually doing research in this field to talk about what I'm going thru at the moment. Especially to rule out any trauma-indicated aversion to have sex. And she didn't question asexuality being an orientation at all, while she actually questioned a bit if I should really consider myself asexual in a classical way, because I'm into BDSM fantasies, which she would considered a sexual experience. But either way, she recommended going with this identification anyway, as it helps me to understand myself better and it will also help others to understand myself better, event though the term "asexual" would more be used in a sense of "not being attracted to having sexual interaction" in contraire to not having any sexual emotions at all. Because in the end, sexual interaction is still not on the menu anyway.

[idkwmoi]

36 minutes ago, SkyenAutowegCaptain said:

@idkwmoi, your comment about therapists saying "there's no such thing as asexuality" I find very concerning. They are supposed to be properly trained in multiple subjects, including mental health issues. DSM-5, one of the major books on this subject, states that asexuality is an orientation, which precludes various disorders as being the reason for a lack of sexual desire. O

That IS concerning. I had no idea there was a DSM-5 entry for it. Apparently they don't either! I'll bring it up next time I see them.

[Asroco]

@Yophe I'm glad it went well for you! I strongly agree with the last bit you said:

On 8/30/2019 at 3:39 PM, Yophe said:

So what I've learned from that: As long as the person you want to open it up to is open, honest, respectful and willing to broaden the horizon, coming out feels just right.

It's definitely easier when you already believe in the open-mindedness of the person to whom you're coming out. My sister is bisexual, and we're comfortable discussing our respective identities with each other. (In fact, we moved into a new area together about a month and a half ago, and she asked me for help on her all-female dating profile last night.) I'm definitely closer to her than anyone else I know, and I'd trust her with anything.

 

I think coming out is great, but it also sets up an uncomfortable power dynamic. For one thing, it gives the recipient the power to dismiss. Especially if this person is someone initially trustworthy, it can be incredibly dehumanizing if they respond in a disagreeable way. For this reason, if I had to come out, I would use it not as a way not to garner self-acceptance based on their word, but as a way to formally invite them into my experience. On another note, it doesn't give the recipient room to breathe, especially if the person who is coming out wants an immediate answer. If they feel backed into a corner, despite several attempts to lighten the discussion, they'll more than likely respond unfavorably because they don't know what to say. On the whole, I advise myself against coming out if I can help it.

 

That's not to say that I don't support your coming out. In fact, I wish I had your courage. I typically default to dropping hints about my identity or mentioning it without formally addressing it. However, that formula would not work with a potential romantic partner, and I commend you're having breached the subject with your date. People who deserve an explanation should be provided with one.

 

Just thought I'd share my thoughts on the matter while I'm here 😋

[DamianThomas]

I recently wrote a thread on my experience, if you're interested.

[Yophe]

12 hours ago, DamianThomas said:

I recently wrote a thread on my experience, if you're interested.

Sorry to read that it went so bad 😕

[Dead account 4444]

I haven't come out to anyone, however I think everyone ik would be accepting if I did.

 

My mum is supportive of the LGBTQ+ community, she has a gay sister and a gay brother and she's accepting of them so i assume she'd be accepting if I came out.

 

I've never heard my dad mention the LGBTQ community but idk, he's cool. i doubt he wouldn't be accepting

 

also the vast majority of my friends are in the LGBTQ+ community so yeah, I think they'd definitely be accepting.

 

I feel bad for anyone getting a bad reaction because of coming out and I wish anyone who has/is dealt/dealing with that the best of luck