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neverlove

Can someone be a homoromantic heterosexual

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neverlove

Can someone be a homoromantic heterosexual, or heteroromantic homosexual?

 

I'm not talking bi- or pan- here. It seems like it should be possible, but I¬†know people won't agree ūüėĀ

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Moonman

I feel like we called it "making love" for centuries for a reason.

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CBC

Theoretically one can be anything. I'm gonna say that's incredibly rare in reality, though. Most people's attraction isn't split like that.

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neverlove
1 minute ago, CBC said:

Theoretically one can be anything. I'm gonna say that's incredibly rare in reality, though. Most people's attraction isn't split like that.

Agreed

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cyane-grey

In my opinion it is 100% absolutely possible. Romantic and sexual attraction are NOT the same thing whatsoever, although a lot of the time they align for people. I remember reading a story about a lesbian and a gay man (both sexually attracted to same-gender) who fell in love and got married even though they are both pretty openly homosexual. As asexuals we talk about romantic orientation a LOT more than most people, even moreso than other LGBT+ people, and I think it really opens up entire new possibilities. 

 

Just as a girl could be asexual (not attracted to boys), she could be heteroromantic (attracted to boys), and therefore I believe that the same girl could be homosexual (not attracted to boys), as well as heteroromantic. And-- yeah, I know how redundant that sounds.

 

That's just my take on it, anyhow

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Skycaptain

Yes. In "The sex myth" by Rachel Hills there's references to males who are romantically attracted to males, but prefer sex with females because the vagina stimulates their penis better than an anus 

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crazy ace

Oh yeah. I've seen that often online.

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Snao Cone

It probably happens a little bit more than is acknowledged, because people in situations like this are often told they're fucked up and go on to believe they're fucked up instead of really exploring this as a non-fucked-up possibility that could be addressed in a healthy way outside of typical relationship structures. In the future we might see more people like this (or vice versa, heteroromantic homosexual folks) if the concept of split attraction becomes more widely known and accepted. (Though it's probably still going to be very uncommon, just as other things that are growing in recognition are, including asexuality.)

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LeChat
4 hours ago, neverlove said:

Can someone be a homoromantic heterosexual, or heteroromantic homosexual?...

 

Yes. AVEN's search engine has shown there have been a few people, here, who've identified as these. Here's a post by @MichaelTannock, where he'd counted a few different types of members' sexual orientations.

 

 

Eh? This thread is in Hot Box? Okay, I don't exactly know why, as others' orientations don't seem to be able to be up for debate, and sex psychologists have said that there are some people whose orientations are a split attraction. Here's a video lecture given by one, where he explains split attraction. 

Spoiler

 

 

Otherwise, that kind of seems as though it'd be invalidating for others who haven't read or come across others of other orientations to try to claim that these orientations don't exist.

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Pan Ficto.

Yeah I've met a few people here on AVEN who are only able to fall in love with people of the same gender (but have NO desire to have sex with them) but actively want sex with people of the other gender. And the other way around as well. 

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Anthracite_Impreza

Yes, of course. I'm in a relationship with a car and I used to know someone who was with a sewing machine, so a hetero-homo split is nothing ;)

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neverlove

.

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Iam9man
5 hours ago, Snao van der Cone said:

It probably happens a little bit more than is acknowledged, because people in situations like this are often told they're fucked up and go on to believe they're fucked up instead of really exploring this as a non-fucked-up possibility that could be addressed in a healthy way outside of typical relationship structures. In the future we might see more people like this (or vice versa, heteroromantic homosexual folks) if the concept of split attraction becomes more widely known and accepted. (Though it's probably still going to be very uncommon, just as other things that are growing in recognition are, including asexuality.)

I guess they might also identify as bi with preferences in this scenario.

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Arodash
10 hours ago, neverlove said:

Can someone be a homoromantic heterosexual, or heteroromantic homosexual?

 

I'm not talking bi- or pan- here. It seems like it should be possible, but I¬†know people won't agree ūüėĀ

Like a lot of things its probably rare, but that doesnt make it invalid I can totally see that happening. 

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Snao Cone
5 hours ago, Iam9man said:

I guess they might also identify as bi with preferences in this scenario.

That is probably what some people are doing now, though the incompatible sexuality might make their relationship sexless. Maybe they're best suited for an asexual partner of their romantic orientation, with an open clause so they can pursue sexual interaction as needed.

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neverlove
6 minutes ago, Snao van der Cone said:

That is probably what some people are doing now, though the incompatible sexuality might make their relationship sexless. Maybe they're best suited for an asexual partner of their romantic orientation, with an open clause so they can pursue sexual interaction as needed.

That would make sense, but I don't think things usually turn out so neat and tidy.

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Snao Cone
1 minute ago, neverlove said:

That would make sense, but I don't think things usually turn out so neat and tidy.

There are definitely a lot of emotional and cultural things in the way. If polyamory becomes more acceptable and people are more understanding of the idea, maaaaaybe this would be a plausible arrangement for more couples. But emotions are complex enough in monogamous couples with compatible orientations. This kind of arrangement has a lot to work through first.

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maybeimamazed

See, I find this so tricky.

 

How do you separate the split attraction model for allosexuals from internalized homophobia?

 

"Yeah, I'm a dude who has sex with dudes, but it doesn't mean I'm gay. I exclusively date women".

 

Hmmm... ūüėē

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neverlove
2 hours ago, brehasolo said:

See, I find this so tricky.

 

How do you separate the split attraction model for allosexuals from internalized homophobia?

 

"Yeah, I'm a dude who has sex with dudes, but it doesn't mean I'm gay. I exclusively date women".

 

Hmmm... ūüėē

Then what about the reverse, homoromantic heterosexual.

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Laurann

Yes, it has happened a number of times that people come on here asking something like 'I'm only romantically attracted to women, but I want to have sex only with men. What am I?"

I always refer them to this article: https://everydayfeminism.com/2016/07/cross-orientation-101/

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Snao Cone
5 hours ago, brehasolo said:

See, I find this so tricky.

 

How do you separate the split attraction model for allosexuals from internalized homophobia?

 

"Yeah, I'm a dude who has sex with dudes, but it doesn't mean I'm gay. I exclusively date women".

 

Hmmm... ūüėē

I think this might give people like that a tool to explain themselves better, to acknowledge homosexuality without feeling like doing so means they need to be in same sex relationships only. If this became a widespread way of understanding people's orientations it might mean they're respected more and believed when they state their romantic interests, instead of being dismissed and told they need to find a same sex partner. 

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Anthracite_Impreza
8 hours ago, brehasolo said:

See, I find this so tricky.

 

How do you separate the split attraction model for allosexuals from internalized homophobia?

 

"Yeah, I'm a dude who has sex with dudes, but it doesn't mean I'm gay. I exclusively date women".

 

Hmmm... ūüėē

At some point you just have to take people at their word. Even if it is internalised homophobia, no one should be pushed into relationships they aren't comfortable with for any reason, even if it isn't "PC".

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Moonman

So if you're a heterosexual homoromantic, do you experience romantic attraction to the opposite gender or just sexual attraction by itself? If you only want sex and not romance, wouldn't you have to use aromantic in your orientation to avoid confusion?

 

If you experience romantic attraction to both but only sexual attraction to the opposite gender, should you be biromantic heterosexual? I know we don't use heteromantic heterosexual because that would be silly and also amusing, but I've always viewed romantic orientations as an ace thing and sexual orientation as including both feelings. But if you're going to use a romantic orientation, and you experience romantic attraction to both genders, you can't use homoromantic because doesn't that imply that you don't experience romantic attraction to the opposite gender?

 

Perhaps I am being pedantic. 

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Snao Cone
6 minutes ago, Moonman said:

So if you're a heterosexual homoromantic, do you experience romantic attraction to the opposite gender or just sexual attraction by itself? If you only want sex and not romance, wouldn't you have to use aromantic in your orientation to avoid confusion?

 

If you experience romantic attraction to both but only sexual attraction to the opposite gender, should you be biromantic heterosexual? I know we don't use heteromantic heterosexual because that would be silly and also amusing, but I've always viewed romantic orientations as an ace thing and sexual orientation as including both feelings. But if you're going to use a romantic orientation, and you experience romantic attraction to both genders, you can't use homoromantic because doesn't that imply that you don't experience romantic attraction to the opposite gender?

 

Perhaps I am being pedantic. 

You seem to be conceiving of all possibilities except the one proposed by this thread. Is that on purpose?

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MermaidRomani

Absolutely, split attraction has the potential to exist for ALL romantic and sexual orientations. I have a friend whose heterosexual biromantic. It's not internalized hatred or repulsion of anything. It's just how the cookie crumbled with them. 

 

Personally I consider myself monosexual multiromantic (on the very rare circumstances I do have sexual attraction, it's only for other women, it's never for men, despite being panromantic). It's one reason I don't feel comfortable with the term "lesbian" BECAUSE of my multiromanticism. 

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Moonman
13 hours ago, Snao van der Cone said:

You seem to be conceiving of all possibilities except the one proposed by this thread. Is that on purpose?

Yes, because I am curious and interested in knowing how these things work and what somebody identifying with this split orientation experiences.

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LeChat
17 hours ago, Moonman said:

So if you're a heterosexual homoromantic, do you experience romantic attraction to the opposite gender or just sexual attraction by itself?...

Okay, I guess I could try to help answer these, but, one at a time, to try to make it easier for everyone to understand.

 

Yes, the former. From some heterosexual homoromantic peoples' experiences, they've said that they identify as that because they feel sexual attraction to the opposite gender and romantic attraction to the same gender.

 

17 hours ago, Moonman said:

...If you only want sex and not romance, wouldn't you have to use aromantic in your orientation to avoid confusion?...

Technically, no one has to identify as anything, but, yes, heterosexual aromantic people exist and identify as that because they are sexually attracted to the opposite gender, but don't experience romantic attraction to anyone.

 

17 hours ago, Moonman said:

...If you experience romantic attraction to both but only sexual attraction to the opposite gender, should you be biromantic heterosexual?...

One could identify as that, or, perhaps, as panromantic heterosexual.

 

17 hours ago, Moonman said:

...But if you're going to use a romantic orientation, and you experience romantic attraction to both genders, you can't use homoromantic because doesn't that imply that you don't experience romantic attraction to the opposite gender?...

I suppose it depends. Sure, some people might interpret it that way (i.e. not experiencing romantic attraction to the opposite gender), but I suppose it's still possible, though, for one to choose to identify as homoromantic, even if they experience romantic attraction to two genders, because, say, for example, they're in a homoromantic relationship (which they identify with a lot more than their heteroromantic attractions ones because the relationship is more important to them), experience more homoromantic attractions more often than heteroromantic ones, etc.

 

Like I mentioned, above, no one, technically, has to identify as something that they might not completely identify with or that they feel doesn't accurately describe their attractions. It could be possible for some people to choose to identify only with the part of them that they feel has the strongest attraction or is more significant to them in their personal lives, especially if they don't often experience other attractions that often.

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Snao Cone
4 hours ago, Moonman said:

Yes, because I am curious and interested in knowing how these things work and what somebody identifying with this split orientation experiences.

They might experience sexual attraction to the opposite sex/gender (enjoying/desiring hetero sexual activities, finding the opposite sex/gender sexually attractive) but have never felt romantically attracted to them, or comfortable in a romantic relationship with them. These same people might have experienced romantic attraction/falling in love with the same sex/gender. Sometimes this may lead to identifying as bi, or going with whatever way is easier for them to compromise on (e.g. pursuing only one type of relationship, like sex without romance or romance without sex, or making the decision to do sexual or romantic things with whatever sex/gender they're not drawn to in that aspect in spite of their intrinsic orientation). I've known people who fell in love with the opposite gender and got married and had a family, but were so sexually dissatisfied and distressed that it broke up the marriage. In these particular cases the people were romantically and sexually attracted to the same gender, but for me it's conceivable for them to only be sexually attracted in this case.

 

You're not alone, and not necessarily wrong, in thinking that only asexual or aromantic people need to split their orientations. It's certainly not common for people who are both sexual and romantic to have this incompatibility between the two, or at least they're bi on one of them and thus just pursue the side that applies to both. But it shouldn't be too much of a stretch of the imagination to see how some people may have a lot of trouble finding someone they want both sexually and romantically if the gendered direction of those are different. Acknowledging split attraction as something that can apply to sexual people might help them come to terms with it and maybe find arrangements that work for them.

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SithEmpress

I met one person with a QPR, sometimes romantic, relationship with a man despite identifying as a lesbian. She was poly, so the man was one of her partners, but she and him were in love and engaged before she began identifying as homosexual and they broke it off but remained close. I thought it was interesting.

 

I think the split can exist in theory, but the lack of awareness and acceptance would likely lead to erasure of these people. Either them thinking they're pan/bi or else confused or whatever else people are told when their feelings and experiences don't align with the expected.

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Ferocious Cub

So far I've found myself more romantically attracted to women and more sexually attracted to men.  But I hesitate to put an ONLY on either one of those.  And my pool of experience is... just two people, so maybe it's just how it worked out with them?  Being demisexual/ demiromantic makes it hard to pinpoint a directional orientation.  It just doesn't click for me very often...

 

But then there is this other part that doesn't want to admit to that preference, because how could this ever WORK?  I'm afraid I won't find anyone that would be cool with that orientation.  Don't sexual partners want romantic interaction?  Don't romantic partners want sexual interaction?

But then, I guess you folks on AVEN (those of you in relationships) navigate that a lot.  I guess it must be possible.

For now, I'm comfortable with saying my attraction to men and women is different.  But I don't know if I want to impose any exclusivity on that difference.  Either because I'm not sure it exists, or because I'm not ready to deal with the implications.

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