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I'm trying to handle this, not sure how...


Unsurewhattodo

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Unsurewhattodo

So, I've been very happily married and still am to the only woman I have ever and will ever love. She is the best part of every day of my life. Here's the problem, I want occasional sex. Once a month would be plenty. She has determined that she may have become asexual. She lost interest in sex five years ago. It's not that it isn't enjoyable when we do have it. But she has no interest in doing it whatsoever. I am very keyed into the emotion behind it. I love to be connected. Unfortunately along with her lose of interest has come a lose of that connection when we do occasionally have sex. Therefore I'm less interested, which should maje it easier. I have a hard time because when I look at her, my heart flutters like it did when we were teenagers. Just being close to her is enough to get me aroused. When none of it is reciprocated, I find myself frustrated and angry in the bathroom. I want to make this incredibly clear. I WILL NEVER LEAVE OR CHEAT ON MY WIFE. So here I am, frustrated, lonely, feeling disconnected, but still relentlessly attracted to and deeply in love with my wife. Does anyone have any advice that could possibly help me cope with this and grow stronger? 

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Homer

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32 minutes ago, Unsurewhattodo said:

So, I've been very happily married and still am to the only woman I have ever and will ever love. She is the best part of every day of my life. Here's the problem, I want occasional sex. Once a month would be plenty. She has determined that she may have become asexual. She lost interest in sex five years ago. It's not that it isn't enjoyable when we do have it. But she has no interest in doing it whatsoever. I am very keyed into the emotion behind it. I love to be connected. Unfortunately along with her lose of interest has come a lose of that connection when we do occasionally have sex. Therefore I'm less interested, which should maje it easier. I have a hard time because when I look at her, my heart flutters like it did when we were teenagers. Just being close to her is enough to get me aroused. When none of it is reciprocated, I find myself frustrated and angry in the bathroom. I want to make this incredibly clear. I WILL NEVER LEAVE OR CHEAT ON MY WIFE. So here I am, frustrated, lonely, feeling disconnected, but still relentlessly attracted to and deeply in love with my wife. Does anyone have any advice that could possibly help me cope with this and grow stronger? 

Become asexual? So, before the five years of issues, she was into it and desired it as well and this is a more recent development? Or is this a thing she's just now accepting as has always been the case, but she pushed herself for your sake before and didn't know that wasn't how it went? 

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Unsurewhattodo

That may be the case. I honestly don't know. She says her interest in sex has dropped off and then recently (in the last five years) she has just lost interest entirely. 

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If she just abruptly lost interest in sex, then maybe there is something else going on, like an underlying illness or just straight up age.

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Unsurewhattodo
20 minutes ago, crazy ace said:

If she just abruptly lost interest in sex, then maybe there is something else going on, like an underlying illness or just straight up age.

We have investigated that. We thought that it may be the antidepressants she was on but she has spent the last few years working really hard on herself and she has come keaps and bounds. She has been weened properly off her meds for a year and there has been no change to her wants. From what we can tell, there isn't anything that should be causing it anymore. It also may go back further than we realize. She didnt even become aware of the possibility of asexuality until two or three years ago. 

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anisotrophic

Mostly as an aside, I want to note that it's not necessarily "cheating" to sleep with other people (open and poly relationships). I think it's besides the point though. Sex isn't interchangeable, it's usually very personal, a connection to someone specific.

 

 The issue is that the person you love and are attracted to isn't attracted to you. I'm not sure what that means in this case -- whether they're repulsed by sex, or have a lot of trouble getting into it, or indifferent but motivated to make a partner happy. It's common for sexual people to lose their attraction when they realize there's no hope for reciprocal attraction; it's hard to want someone that doesn't want you back.

 

If you're feeling desire despite that, and your partner wants you to still experience sexuality with them -- they just don't feel able to physically take part -- one compromise we've done is my partner holding me while I masturbate.

 

I think it's important for both partners to feel loved for the sexualities they have. This can take a lot of communication and empathy.

 

I prefer to reduce pressure on my partner as much as possible. I'm allowed to be intimate with others, but I haven't -- still, having that option has helped remove the pressure implicit in my partner being my only option for sexuality.

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On 8/24/2019 at 3:23 PM, Unsurewhattodo said:

We thought that it may be the antidepressants she was on but she has spent the last few years working really hard on herself and she has come keaps and bounds. She has been weened properly off her meds for a year and there has been no change to her wants.

Off antidepressants doesn't mean not depressed, also being on anti-depressants doesn't mean someone is properly medicated. There are no indications that anti-depressants affect libido. On the other hand depression often causes marked changes in one's sex drive. Not to be nosy, but when's the last time she took a PHQ-9 and how did she score? People generally aren't weaned off of SSRIs and SNRIs like people are with anti-anxiety medications like benzos.

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