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Who am I?


Persego

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Okay, I'm sorry if this is a wrong folder to make this topic but I didn't know where to create this. 

I'm really, really, really desperate. I have no idea what romantic orientation I have. I'm only 17 and always when I had questions about my romantic or sexual orientation I just told myself that eventually I will figure it out so there's no hurry. But every day I'm just more and more desperate and it destroys me. 

So, where to start... 

I'm a girl and in my childhood I never really understood girls of my age. They were always talking about boys, how cute they were etc. You surely know what I'm talking about. And I never had any need to look at guys so I just didn't really get it, what was so amazing about boys. 

But I grew up on Disney movies and romantic movies so I always counted on the idea that one day I'll be marrying a man. 

I loved romantic movies and I always pictured how I will be somebody's special person one day. At that time I also read a lot and when I read a romantic novel I always experienced those butterflies in my stomach and I always felt burning love for the fictional man. (But I never had this feeling when watching movies, I enjoyed them, but I never loved a real person) 

I just always knew, that one day I'll find my soulmate and I was looking forward it. 

But to this day I never had any interest in dating. I never felt romantic love to an actual person. And it is destroying me. I really, really want to feel love. But I just can't. I never was the type of person who is very social, so nobody ever asked me out or something like that. It's true, that 2 guys were in love with me, but when I noticed that I immediately started avoiding them and I stopped talking to them. The idea of dating someone is terrifying to me. But the idea that I may be my whole life alone without love is terrifying as well. 

Actually now I'm happy being by myself not having to worry about my partner if they're happy or not (they pronoun because I'm bisexual, that's the only thing I know). But I don't want to be my whole life without love, I want to have that special somebody. 

Now some example of my chaotic life: one day ago I was working as a cashier and some guy came to me with his groceries. I could tell he's really handsome and it was obvious that he liked me. At first it was pleasing, that somebody like him could like me, but then an idea he could ask me on a date made me really scared and sick. So I just did everything in my power to make him really fast go away. 

And actually I don't think that I'm an aromantic, because if I were, could I ever feel that burning love when reading fictional novels? 

Right now I'm really happy. I don't have any partner, all I have is my friends and family, and that's enough for me. My friends are always talking how miserable theirs romantic love is and how they can't find somebody, but I just don't understand it. I'm happy by myself and I don't need anyone else. But will I feel same way when everyone around me will have a partner just not me? 

I'm just so tired of this. If you help me, I'll be thankful to you for all eternity. 

I hope I wrote everything down. If you have any questions I'll be happy to answer. Thanks for your help. 

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maybeimamazed

Hello, welcome to AVEN.

 

I can relate to your experience. By the time I was 17, I had had a handful of crushes, but I had never been in love. I'm almost 28 now and nothing's changed. The only difference is that, unlike you, I rarely if ever get butterflies in my stomach or anything of the sort when I'm watching or reading a romantic story. I find romance tedious, with very few exceptions. So for that reason I'm not as distressed with being aromantic as you seem to be. I do worry about loneliness when my family is no longer here and my friends are all coupled up, but I feel like true friends will accept you for who you are and make room in their lives for you.

 

You claim you know you're bisexual. Could you elaborate on that? It's very rare for an aromantic person to not be ace, although it's possible. I used to think I was bisexual too. But then I realized what I felt towards men and women was just aesthetic attraction. I simply had no idea what sexual attraction even was.

 

I hope this was helpful.

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2 hours ago, brehasolo said:

You claim you know you're bisexual. Could you elaborate on that?

Thank you for your answer! 

I honestly hoped somebody would ask me about this. My sexuality is too mystery for me, I just thought that my first post was long enough, so I rather didn't write about this. 

 

I know I claimed that I am bisexual, but honestly I'm not sure. But what I can tell you is that I don't think I'm asexual. Because on example I can enjoy watching 18+ scenes in movies it doesn't make me uncomfortable and I can feel that sex is something I can enjoy and I want it. It's truth I haven't had sex yet but I enjoy intimate things that relates to sex. So I'm pretty sure that I'm not asexual. (I'd go more into the details why I know I'm not asexual, but I don't know what details I can write and what I cannot here, so believe me in this, when I tell you, I'm not asexual) 

The mystery for me is that I don't know if I'm hetero/homo/demi/etc/sexual. 

But I believe that if I can figure out my romantic orientation then I'll find out my sexuality either. 

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maybeimamazed
1 hour ago, Persego said:

Thank you for your answer! 

I honestly hoped somebody would ask me about this. My sexuality is too mystery for me, I just thought that my first post was long enough, so I rather didn't write about this. 

 

I know I claimed that I am bisexual, but honestly I'm not sure. But what I can tell you is that I don't think I'm asexual. Because on example I can enjoy watching 18+ scenes in movies it doesn't make me uncomfortable and I can feel that sex is something I can enjoy and I want it. It's truth I haven't had sex yet but I enjoy intimate things that relates to sex. So I'm pretty sure that I'm not asexual. (I'd go more into the details why I know I'm not asexual, but I don't know what details I can write and what I cannot here, so believe me in this, when I tell you, I'm not asexual) 

The mystery for me is that I don't know if I'm hetero/homo/demi/etc/sexual. 

But I believe that if I can figure out my romantic orientation then I'll find out my sexuality either. 

Gotcha. The fact that you want sex is all that matters. You may very well be both aro and sexual. Like I said, it's possible.

 

You might also be demiromantic. Maybe that's more likely. It's the same logic of demisexuality, but with romantic attraction.

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You might simply be someone who is young and haven't found a guy or gal that you're into yet!!!!

 

Not everyone is mad into dating, even if they like the idea of a partner. 

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