Is my boyfriend asexual? Help!

[cutebutdeadly]

I had been friends with my boyfriend for approximately a year before we started dating. I had known that he wasn't intimate with his last girlfriend of almost two years but he had told me that it was because "deep down he didn't love her". I thought maybe he was just a really caring, sensitive guy & wanted to make sure he was really in love with someone before he slept with them, wish I totally understand.

Well we've been dating for about four months now & he told me a couple months ago that he loved me & hasn't loved anyone like he's loved me. However, he's still not aroused or turned on by me. We can make out for over an hour & he still isn't aroused. I asked him the other day if there's anything I should be doing (I'm fairly compromising & accepting) to help turn him on. I threw out everything I could think of - blowjobs, touching myself, showering together, etc. & he said he wasn't interested in any of it. It's not necessarily the lack of sex itself that is bothering me (I've gone longer without it believe me!) , it's the fact that I can't turn my boyfriend on. He says it's because he's ashamed of his body (he's got a little beer belly, but really what guy doesn't these days?) & because he doesn't want me to see him naked he psychs himself out not to be aroused. I have told him numerous times that I'm far from perfect myself (body wise) but if you really love someone & feel comfortable around them it shouldn't matter what you look like.

He claims he's had sex once, fifteen years ago, but not since (he's 31 now). He has only had two girlfriends his entire life (me being his second).Would his body issues justify his lack of sexual desire for fifteen years? He's an attractive guy that alot of women would sleep with so it's not as if people are telling him he's repulsive.. He's a great guy every other way, caring, sweet, honest, respectful, etc. and I do love him but I need a boyfriend who is mentally AND physically attracted to me. He won't see a therapist or doctor for it because he says "it's a mental thing" that he needs to work out for himself. I am a pretty patient & accomodating person but it's taking a toll on my self esteem to know I don't turn him on. I know he's embarrased by the whole situation & I hate even bringing it up but I need physical intimacy in my life. He likes making out, holding hands, cuddling, etc. but when it comes to sex he seems to have no interest. I asked him the other day if he wanted to shower with me (in hopes of enticing him) & he acted repulsed & said "no way!". It could be because of his body issues but it made me feel like shit.

I'm just at my wit's end, what do I do? Is he asexual or maybe gay? I love him dearly but these days it seems like we're more of best friends than bf/gf, I don't know how much longer I can go on this way...

[Kallan]

Well cutebutdeadly, it's a definate possibility that he may be asexual. The first thing I would do is point towards this site.

Now let me clear up some things for you.

He is physically attracted to you. If he is asexual then for him there is and enormous, GAPING divide between physical attraction/physical intimacy and sex.

Many asexuals desire physical intimacy just as much as sexual people, it's just that the intimacy isn't in anyway tied to sex. For some insight into what sex is like for asexuals look here.

http://www.asexuality.org/discussion/viewtopic.php?t=18879

Depending on how he experiences sexuality there will probably be some room for compromise. But do keep in mind that if he is asexual he will never get the same things you do out of sex.

Above all don't take his disintrest in sex as a lack of intrest or attraction to You.

[vikingo]

Welcome cutebutdeadly.

You could try to get some help from outside. As a couple first. If that doesn't do it, try again to have him see a doctor. If, at 31, he hasn't sorted it out by himself, I doubt he will be able to over the next 31 years either. Good luck to both of you.

[cutebutdeadly]

I've brought up the counseling & he refuses to so I give up. He claims to have sex once when he was 18 & said he really didn't like it so that's another one of his excuses (in addition to his body issues). He's gone fifteen years without having it again or missing the desire so it definitely has to be more than just body issues..

Yes he likes to be intimite in other ways, such as cuddling & sleeping (actually sleeping) together but when it comes to anything sexual he shuts down. I will be laying there totally naked & he won't even so much as look over at me. It hurts because I so desperately want the relationship too continue but I'm a very sexual person with sexual needs, I just don't know if it's something I can get over.. I'm not trying to sound mean or selfish, while I love the cuddling & so forth, I also love the feeling of knowing I'm arousing my significant other..

[vikingo]

Well, unless a solution is found it will grow worse. Try again, and is he still is reluctant, you could pose him an ultimatum. Does he know about the existance of this site ?

[Kallan]

Yes he likes to be intimite in other ways, such as cuddling & sleeping (actually sleeping) together but when it comes to anything sexual he shuts down. I will be laying there totally naked & he won't even so much as look over at me. It hurts because I so desperately want the relationship too continue but I'm a very sexual person with sexual needs, I just don't know if it's something I can get over.. I'm not trying to sound mean or selfish, while I love the cuddling & so forth, I also love the feeling of knowing I'm arousing my significant other.

There are a number of threads that talk about possible ways to compromise. But if your boyfriend is asexual then making him aroused will either a) be next to impossible, or B) make him uncomfortable.

If this is a deal breaker for you, then I'm not sure there's a solution.

[helana12_03]

I think he is attracted to you, however, maybe he's got something aginst sex and everything that triggers the urge to do it(Blowjobs, bathing naked together etc.) plus he is ashamed of the way he looks which makes want to do those things even less. I mean maybe he just doesn't want to have sex in general(in his head-kind of a celibate), which causes him to force his body not to want it either(maybe that one time he had sex traumatized him). Maybe its just too soon for him and he's not ready yet. Maybe he's really just assexual.

[thylacine]

Yep, sounds like he's asexual to me. Actually, it sounds like he's asexual & doesn't realize it.

[Manathane]

I asked him the other day if he wanted to shower with me (in hopes of enticing him) & he acted repulsed & said "no way!". It could be because of his body issues but it made me feel like shit.

I had a boyfriend who asked me to shower with him once, and I responded in exactly the same fashion. I don't have body issues (he was actually the one with body issues, not me) so that might not have anything to do with it. It's the prospect of getting in the shower naked with someone. Come on, he'd be a fool to not know what exactly you were asking of him.

It sounds like he's asexual, but only he can decide if he really is. You should point him in the direction of this site, or at least talk to him about your concerns.

[SilentClips]

try not to let it get you down,jus because he doesnt want to jump in the shower with you,doesnt mean he doesn't love you.there are more intimate things to an asexual than sexual things,like sleeping with you.

again im one who thinks you should point him in the direction of this site and let him explore a bit more of who he is as it seems he's not totally sure.

[cutebutdeadly]

I would love to point him to this site but how do I do so without embarrasing him?

I'm just still totally confused, I don't know if he's in denial about his sexuality (asexaul or gay) because he'll mention girls he thinks are hot but part of me thinks it's all for show. And the physical interaction is (kissing, holding hands, etc.) is winding down too. I don't know if it's because I embarrased him before by asking what I could do to help him get aroused or what.. He tells me all the time that he wants to have sex with me & how attracted he is to me but he just "doesn't let himself get aroused" because he thinks I'll want sex if he does. Well I have to admit I wouldn't mind it but by no means am I demanding it! And I've emphasized that to him a thousand times, that we could just fool around but I want to know that he's at least getting aroused from it!

Ugh I just don't know what to do..

[Kallan]

"You, internet, now!"

"hey I think I found a website that might help us with our sex issues."

"hey check out this cool site, these are the most mature internet forums I've ever found" - If you want to try and be sneaky about it.

[cutebutdeadly]

Ok so we were discussing his lack of sex drive yet again the other night & this time he revealed to me that he has "experimented" with men in the past but didn't go into detail, just said he didn't like it.. So now I don't know what to believe, is he gay? I need a guys's opinion on this, if you "experiment" with a guy, just even once, does that make you gay? However the fact that he said he didn't like it with the guy makes me still wonder if he's asexual! If he doesn't like it with neither men or women wouldn't that be the case? Ugh, help!

[Kallan]

I've had sex with a man, before. After realizing that I wasn't sexually attracted to women, I assumed that I must have been gay. Well that didn't work out anybetter for me than sex with women. That's kinda when I started calling myself an asexual.

[starrysky]

if you "experiment" with a guy, just even once, does that make you gay?

All that makes you is a person who experimented once with a guy. There are gay men who spend their entire lives sleeping with women for fear of the repercussions of being openly gay, but they're still attracted to men--does sleeping with women make them straight? No, because they are still fundamentally attracted to men.

I agree with trying to point him towards this website... perhaps even he himself doesn't even know if he's asexual or not, or maybe he has feelings he's not being completely honest about with you.

[Livet]

Problem with being asexual I guess is when pursuing sexual satisfaction you find a maze with no solutions, just dead ends.

I've never experimented with a same sex relationship, I kinda have some trust issues with fellow girls that came from emotional abuse from them for a long time. I've considered the possibillity of being a women hating homosexual but that didn't match , I'd still feel some attraction to them at some level. Just because he tried something doesn't nessisarilly mean he's gay. If he's with you after trying something like that it wouldn't make sense. He's rather brave to put himself out there and try it, life isn't easy for homosexuals.

He does sound asexual but I'm kind of a newbie to the term myself. Here imagine this, it's not an exact model but it might help as it's the way I sort of feel towards a guy by reversing the roles. Imagine you have a friend of the same gender who you think is perhaps the greatest person on the planet. Early on they tell you they are gay and you think that's fine but you don't let on exactly what your sexual preference is. Later on she starts hitting on you and requesting sex from you. How would that make you feel? Awkward? Embarrassed? Here is this amazing person who is looking for acceptance and erotic love but you can't offer them that level of eroticism and can't force it from yourself. Offering further sexual favors makes it that much more awkward as she further breachs your comfort zone and as result you might pull away.

End of fictional senario.

It's difficult because we feel this way about everyones sexual advances. It doesn't seem like there's any easy answers beacuse we don't have the option of finding love else where mearly coping with what love we are comfortable with and capable of expressing. I'm still trying to figure out how to approach this myself. In the past I've been treated with the notion that I was simply immature in comparison with my peers. Some of my friends took the attitude of treating me like a human pet which was preferable to some things but lacked slightly in the implied respect dept.

[Chiaroscuro]

Hello Cutebutdeadly (very nice name, by the way). I'm a sexual guy married to a non-sexual woman (Sunset on Aven), and have experienced everything you've talked about. Only difference is I've experienced it, more or less, for five years, with ten years of "difficulties" re: sex prior to that. In my case, my wife's struggling with early childhood trauma rather than what many folks here experience, which is a total disinterest in sex.

I don't think you should be embarassed pointing your fellow to Aven. If he comes here and it doesn't ring any bells for him, no harm done. If it does, at least you'll have a common point of reference to talk about. There's a tremendous difference in how people perceive sex and what it means in a relationship. I think it's important to learn what those differences are, so that you can stop feeling like it's all about HIM and YOU. It's not. It's about him and anyone sexual, and you and anyone asexual. You love this particular guy and he loves you. But you're looking at the world in different ways, and until you can talk about it with that understanding, all you'll be able to experience (on both sides), is He doesn't love me, and She wants too much from me.

Good luck! Hugs,

-Chiaroscuro