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RosePhoenix

Question: How to deal with ppl asking you out?

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RosePhoenix

Hey lovely humans, I got a question for my fellow ace/aros, or anyone who does not want to date for whatever reason. What on this forsaken earth do you say to people when they ask you out on a date?? Or, and I qoute "for a hookup" :unsure:????

 

A dude asked me out a couple of weeks ago and I've been thinking about this alot. I was completely unprepared for it (never happened before, lol), made VERY uncomfortable by it, and had NO WORDS for the man, it was very difficult to get out of the situation. 

 

It did, however make me feel very ace, made me very validated and CERTAIN AS HELL about my identity. Especially 'cause I thought the guy was pretty, but my mind kept screaming nope nope nooooo

 

So what do you guys think? What do you do/say/what are your experiences with being asked out?

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Galactic Turtle

I just reject them and hope they won't get violent about it.

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Anthracite_Impreza

Just say "no thanks". This isn't just an ace/aro problem, and you owe no one any explanations.

 

Of course if you feel you're in danger try to get away to safety as soon as possible, make up a partner being somewhere nearby, whatever. Your safety comes first.

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theV0ID

I say "no thanks". Sometimes I might add "I'm not looking for a relationship" if I feel like softening the rejection a bit, but I don't feel obliged to offer an explanation.

 

This is something pretty much everyone has to deal with, not just aros and aces. You just have to learn to politely say no same as everyone else.

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RosePhoenix

Yeah, I relise this isnt an aro/ace only problem guys...I just thought since aces/aros dont have any interest in it, it could be harder to even know what to say...atleast thats how I felt, just so separted and unexperienced with the whole thing I couldnt even respond

 

And for some more context, the guy was kinda not letting it go and kept trying to get me to say yes by approaching it differently and not stopping asking questions.

 

I had finally pulled out the words "No, sorry, I'm unavailble." Hoping he would leave it at that, but he def did not, so thats really where my question comes from I guess.

 

he be like "what does that mean?" 

me: "I'm looking to date anyone right now."

he:"how come?" "you sure?" "Not even for a hookup?" "The reason why I asked is....."

 

Guess this may be a question of what to do when ppl dont accept no I guess 😕

 

 

 

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Anthracite_Impreza
16 minutes ago, RosePhoenix said:

Guess this may be a question of what to do when ppl dont accept no I guess

That depends whether you're in danger or not. If someone's just being obnoxious and you're in a crowded area you can probably safely ignore them; they'll eventually get bored, call you a [profanity] and leave.

 

If you're in danger, or you're alone, just phone the police. Don't hesitate, call them, get security, retreat to a more populated area, knock on a stranger's door. Do whatever you have to to make yourself safe(r).

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Evren

I have literally bald face lied and told people I'm married. Feel free to do so, nothing gets rid of most people faster than imagining the angry spouse who wants to murder you for pursuing their wife/husband.

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nineGardens

Bees. Bees is the only answer.

 

Keep a small hive of bees on you at all times, to unleash upon such persons.

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Saphoune

Personally I would need to take classes about how to reject guys nicely. 😉

My method is not the best: being blunt then ignore him firmly. If needed I look at him with my cold psycho stare. It can work great or it can backfire and get the guy angry.

If he persist tell him that you feel offended and threatened by him disrespecting your opinion. If it continues his behaviour qualifies as sexual harrassment. Speak up and say "I'm feeling harrased please stop". If he has your number or email, even better is to text him then you can block him.

 

At work I have to deal with a sexual harrasment case. The girl has difficulties to document it because she has never sent a written "no" to the guy's sexual texts.

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RosePhoenix
6 hours ago, nineGardens said:

Bees. Bees is the only answer.

 

Keep a small hive of bees on you at all times, to unleash upon such persons.

ahaha, I love this. Brilliant idea.

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Carmine88

Before I realised I was ace a guy asked me out for the first time. It was at a course and I was all business trying to learn so it really irritated me and I didn't understand why he was asking cause I'm not that attractive. He gave me his number and asked to hang out and I kinda gave him the cold shoulder because he started to irritate me. He didn't really do much work so I didn't really respect him. I hate when people waste course spaces when they clearly only like the subject cause its cool and don't want to put the work in, people did that in Film Studies too when I studied that. I haven't had much experience with this sort of thing so I just acted kind of distant not knowing what to do. He stopped showing up after a few days, possibly because he was embarassed or didn't want to do the work but honestly why ask someone out on the first day you're going to be somewhere without even talking to them much first? I don't really understand it. Maybe I misread the situation or something but he seemed overly flirty to me and I don't really get out much and didn't want to lead him on so I didn't call him. I just felt uncomfortable.

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Peachier

i usually say "i'm not looking for a relationship right now" or "i only see you as a friend". i guess it doesn't work though, because even after i said that guys still end up shooting their shot later on. oh well. can't blame them for trying ig.

i've always wanted to try the "i have a boyfriend" option but i don't think it'd be believable especially for me LOL

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CBC

Hrmm. I'm not ace or aro and I literally never have this problem. People don't ask me out. 😂

 

#pointlessinput

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UnderworldFan1988

You know, now that I think about it I have never been asked out by anyone my entire life and I kinda fear the day that someone asks me out who is a sexual person that I don't have interest in, because if I tell them no like... I have no idea what that is going to do to there self-esteem or what other ramifications that are going to have to go along with it. Also, I would feel like shit because I have only really ever been attracted to 3 persons my entire life and I know HOW BAD IT SUCKS when someone tells you no I don't wanna date you. It's heartbreaking and an emotional rollercoaster and I know how it makes me feel very distraught and that unwanted feeling that can lead into questioning yourself that can lead into a depressive episode that can last for a long long time, so I keep all this in mind but again have never had anyone ask me out. O.O

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Zash

My first line of defense is a wall of obfuscating stupidity.  I don't notice flirting and all that.  When I do clue in, I politely reject them.  And if they don't leave me alone, I just tell them my husband/wife would object.  Even though I am not actually married, but, the ace ring can be confused for one.

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nutterwithasolderingiron

well in my case, i'm still romantic but according to my friends, i have very high standards. i dont really see it as having high standards. it's more that i have some red flags i cant get past. there is a girl i met on a dating app who's cool with me being ace but i really dont want to date her because she smokes weed which is one of those things i cant get past. and not like in the "i'll have the odd joint" more that 10% of the messages i get are weed related. 

 

i get asked out maybe twice a year and i'm often super skeptical about it. i don't really see myself as a catch so i'm always afraid they have motives. it's happened before. normally i explain out right that i'm not wanting sex and there is a pretty good chance i'll not even be romantically attracted to you. to be fair, i went on a date earlier in the year with someone who i got along with well but felt no romantic attraction to. i felt super bad about it and i kinda ghosted her for a few days after then said some bullshit like "i dont think i'm ready yet" 

 

i'm also super skeptical when people flirt with me, even if it takes me a while to notice. you've basically got to say "now initializing flirting with you" even then, good chance i'll think their joking. but at the same time, i dont like people thinking "oh he's physically attractive" because it also makes me fear they'll feel let down  by the person behind the looks. i get that we all have aesthetic preference but at the same time, i dont know how comfortable i am being someone's aesthetic preference. 

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