Elite Daily — Am I Demisexual? Here's How To Tell, According To A Sexuality Expert

[Homer]

Quote

If you're consistently not in the mood for sex, you might be feeling lost or isolated in a society that, for better or worse, absolutely thrives on it. Maybe the thought of having sex makes you mostly uncomfortable. Or, maybe, even though it just doesn't sound that lit to you, you'd give sex a shot with someone you love dearly, especially to make them feel good or make them happy. In the past, others may have written it off as low sex drive. Or maybe you've been wondering, "Am I demisexual?"

August 20, 2019 - https://www.elitedaily.com/p/am-i-demisexual-heres-how-to-tell-according-to-a-sexuality-expert-18649823

[maybeimamazed]

That to me sounds just sounds like a good ol' "regular" asexual. But then again demisexuality confuses me.

[AceMissBehaving]

That read like one of the more useful articles I’ve seen on the subject, and helped me better understand the demisexual experience.

 

l still hate the term “ace umbrella” or “asexual umbrella” because it feels like it takes asexuality away from actually asexual people. Demisexuals have demisexual, grey A’s have grey asexual, but if everyone also has asexual, then the label no longer belongs to us and it

gets confusing and makes straight up asexuality somewhat  invisible, but That’s a different discussion.

[maybeimamazed]

6 minutes ago, CBC said:

A quote from the article:

 

"Demisexuality falls under the umbrella of asexuality..."

 

Nah. Vehemently disagree with this. Demisexuality is one way of experiencing being a sexual person, not an asexual one. Demisexuals may question if they're asexual prior to forming the type of connection that's required for them to feel sexual desire for someone, but that in no way makes them some variation on asexual.

 

A lot of the things mentioned have nothing to do with asexuality, even. Like I'm a sexual person who's had only a small number of very minor and pretty meaningless crushes on celebrities, and absolutely zero on fictional characters. I tend to develop true interest only in real and (theoretically, at least) attainable people. But I know of asexual people who live and breathe various celebs or fictional characters. Whether you have the ability to crush on people you could never have or who aren't even real says zilch about your desire to have sex with anyone.

 

It's also incredibly common to not want to bang someone from Tinder.

 

Aaaaaand... people who identify as demisexual using an asexual dating app is a bad idea. What happens when you meet someone and connect with them and you want some passionate, meaningful, loving sex and they unequivocally do not, because (surprise!) they're asexual.

 

I don't doubt that what the word 'demisexual' denotes is indeed a very real way of experiencing one's sexuality, but it doesn't have much of anything to do with being asexual.

 

Kind of a shite article in some areas at least.

Damn.

 

Someone FINALLY said it.

[AceMissBehaving]

Thanks @CBC! I went on a similar rant the other night. I never want to invalidate people who are demisexual because it’s valid and I imagine often misunderstood, but it bothers me that it gets equated with asexuality when it’s not. I can see a level of kinship early on perhaps, but the biggest issues don’t line up at all. After coming out ace a lot of demi folk came to me which is great, but it’s not the same. Like right now as an older asexual, I have 99 problems and demisexuality would fix all but 1

[Homer]

Maybe we can get of this "asexual spectrum" nonsense one day...

[GlamRocker]

People are way too concerned with criticizing the spectrum than they are with supporting asexuals. The fact is, if your sexual interest is low enough that you should inform potential partners about it, you are an asexual of some kind and the label exists for you to use for this purpose.

[GlamRocker]

Sure

[Guest]

Easier way to solve this is just say grey-spec/grey-sexual. 

[Sally]

4 hours ago, CBC said:

Yeah I don't understand the spectrum thing. And it irks me when some people who hadn't previously felt a sexual connection with someone seem to want to cling desperately onto some type of asexuality even after they do. It makes me wonder what they think it means to be sexual, and why they want to avoid acknowledging that they are.

 

Maybe someday I'll compose a thread for "newly sexual" folks who've realised they're not ace, and explain how being sexual doesn't mean you're bad or crass or shallow or gross or dumb or 24/7 preoccupied with hot people. Not that I'm saying every person who identifies as something in between sexual and asexual is doing so because they think being sexual is a negative thing, but I see enough bizarre clinging to asexuality to make it clear that there are some strange attitudes floating around out there.

I wonder if it's at least partly due to young/younger people having a strong desire to affirmatively determine their identity and name that identity, much more so than older people.  (The latter tend to realize rather than name: "Ah, that's how I've been feeling all my life!")  But if you have attempted to fit yourself into a category, it's confusing when that category no longer fits, and you feel like you're losing a part of yourself.   That would be especially true if you've announced that category to others and feel that you must issue a correction.  In that case, stating that sexuality is "fluid" and a "spectrum" means you can be whatever you state at any given time; no future corrections necessary.

[Catserole]

I genuinely don't understand the concept of demisexuality. Most of my friends over the years have been sexual and this is what their relationships look like. Most people want to find someone special to them before having sex. Sure some people may be out there doing it with anyone and anything, all the time ... but they're the minority.

[nineGardens]

Soooo.... just to make sure I've got this correct....Homer posted an article on an Ace site, about Demisexuality, and then 90% of you (including Homer) responded to agree with one another about how Demisexuality doesn't really count as Ace, you dislike the notion of the Ace umbrella, what is demisexuality anyway, and does it really count as an orientation?

 

Like....

It feels strange, because if you were in an environment where people were saying that Ace wasn't a thing, I think you'd all agree that wasn't okay... That's something that people post about having trouble with REGULARLY... and it feels like you guys are doing something similar.

Even if Ace and Demisexual are different things (which is totally a valid opinion), having a whole thread of people reinforcing that fact and saying "Gosh, demisexual really doesn't belong anywhere near Ace" only really serves to exclude people.

 

This is a forum that is meant to be helpful for people who are trying to figure themselves out, for people who are meant to be trying to find their way.

And if someone was new to the forum, and this was one of the first threads they saw.... I think they'd leave. And I don't think they'd come back.

 

That seems kinda shitty.

[Homer]

I have yet to see someone excluded from AVEN because of their stance on sex. Also, a clear statement "Asexuality and demisexuality are very different things" is a helpful piece of information when you try to figure stuff out. Now what someone does with that fact (or whether they like it or not) is a different question.

[RoseGoesToYale]

13 hours ago, CBC said:

or 24/7 preoccupied with hot people

Heck, good-looking people preoccupy me constantly, and I still don't wanna bang any of 'em. Even my sexual friends don't care as much as I do. Variety is the spice of life. 

[nineGardens]

9 hours ago, Homer van Simpsegem said:

I have yet to see someone excluded from AVEN because of their stance on sex.

This sounds like you are talking about literally bannings. Which yes, of course not.

But I also think you are intelligent enough to know that if say... if someone went to a church somewhere, and one of the priests and a couple of the church goers are busy explaining how Quakers are not real christians and shouldn't be labelled as such, and THANK GOD someone was saying such things out loud (and then the moderator priest pipes in to say "Maybe we can get of this "multidemoninational" nonsense one day... ")

Then.... that would leave a certain impression.

 

I'm pretty damn sure people HAVE left the forum based on the impression that this "gatekeeping" style of behavior is kinda toxic.

 

Even if all of you are objectively right (something which seems difficult, given that this is an argument about words, not objects), I think there is a big difference between:

 

9 hours ago, Homer van Simpsegem said:

a clear statement "Asexuality and demisexuality are very different things"

Which I agree, IS helpful, and

 

16 hours ago, Homer van Simpsegem said:

Maybe we can get of this "asexual spectrum" nonsense one day... 

Which is EXPLICITLY naming a label that other Avenites might be using as "nonsense".

 

And.... I think that if you actually sit down and think about it, you know the difference as well.

 

 

Edit: Also, sorry, Homer- am not meaning to pick on you and single you out, given that you only said one line above, and this is a much larger conversation. I guess I feel like you have slightly more of a roll in shaping conversation, seeing as you are a moderator here, but mainly I'm replying to you because you were the most recent person to say something. Hell, I'm not even trying to say people can't/shouldn't have this conversation. I'm just trying to point out that the way people are approaching this might act to drive off anyone who doesn't hold EXACTLY the same stance on the definitions of words, and given the words we are talking about, there appears to be many different interpretations.

[Homer]

Whether or not people use a term does not affect accuracy.

 

However, I'm not going to debate this any further since this is not the time and place. Merely put this article on here to show that not all [TM] representation is helpful, as shown by this example.

[Galactic Turtle]

Wow this article was a trip.  Though given that I've maybe seen 1.5 good articles in my life about asexuality I can say that I've seen exactly 0 good articles about demisexuality with a good portion of them advertising themselves as an asexuality article but they could only find demi/gray people to interview for it.

 

Just one aside:

 

Quote

So, if the idea of sexts and a back massage from a long-term partner sounds lit

I didn't know sexts and back massages were even remotely similar. What?

 

As for the conversation on this thread... a conversation that is similar to what has occurred on many other threads and discussions about asexuality... there are obviously two very prominent schools of thought regarding the "ace spectrum." One camp seems to take that to mean there are multiple types of asexuality and another camp seems to take that to mean there is asexuality and multiple other labels that are similar to asexuality. I am firmly in camp #2 but camp #1 can be so vocal that camp #2 just wants to do away with the term "ace spectrum" altogether. Anywho, all of this stuff is why if anyone even asks I just say I'm celibate and very good at it. 

 

[DragonSpirit]

On 8/21/2019 at 9:43 AM, CBC said:

A quote from the article:

 

"Demisexuality falls under the umbrella of asexuality..."

 

Nah. Vehemently disagree with this. Demisexuality is one way of experiencing being a sexual person, not an asexual one. Demisexuals may question if they're asexual prior to forming the type of connection that's required for them to feel sexual desire for someone, but that in no way makes them some variation on asexual.

 

A lot of the things mentioned have nothing to do with asexuality, even. Like I'm a sexual person who's had only a small number of very minor and pretty meaningless crushes on celebrities, and absolutely zero on fictional characters. I tend to develop true interest only in real and (theoretically, at least) attainable people. But I know of asexual people who live and breathe various celebs or fictional characters. Whether you have the ability to crush on people you could never have or who aren't even real says zilch about your desire to have sex with anyone.

 

It's also incredibly common to not want to bang someone from Tinder.

 

Aaaaaand... people who identify as demisexual using an asexual dating app is a bad idea. What happens when you meet someone and connect with them and you want some passionate, meaningful, loving sex and they unequivocally do not, because (surprise!) they're asexual.

 

I don't doubt that what the word 'demisexual' denotes is indeed a very real way of experiencing one's sexuality, but it doesn't have much of anything to do with being asexual.

 

Kind of a shite article in some areas at least.

AGREED.

[Gifted With Singleness]

So, when I first came across the word "demisexual", I basically interpreted it the way CBC mentions here:

 

On 8/21/2019 at 4:46 PM, CBC said:

I think a very tiny portion of people have some sort of extreme degree of demisexuality... like it takes them perhaps literal years of growing emotionally close to someone before sex even enters their mind... but that's gotta be very rare.

 

I can understand people like this seeing themselves as "almost asexual" and identifying as asexual spectrum because of it. Even for demisexual people who have multiple close friends they're sexually attracted to, I can see how the slowness of attraction can cause difficulties in dating, especially if they're also demiromantic (i.e., no split attraction). Speed dating wouldn't really work, and you might have to constantly "friendzone" people who ask you out and then change your mind much later. I'm sure that can be an annoying thing to have to deal with.

 

However, it seems like every single time I see a video or article about demisexuality, it's contrasted with hookups. This article is no exception, having quotes such as the following:

 

Quote

Sexuality educator Jamie J. LeClaire defines demisexuality as "a sexual orientation in which one needs to build a strong emotional connection or bond with a person before they engage with them sexually."

Quote

So, if the idea of sexts and a back massage from a long-term partner sounds lit, but you'd never want those things from someone you just matched with on Bumble? There's a chance you could be demisexual.

 

These quotes make it seem like hookups are the norm, and everyone who isn't interested in hookups is on the asexual spectrum. As an actual asexual person, this is really irritating.

 

It really doesn't make sense to call yourself aspec just because you want sex to be an expression of love and not just a means for instant gratification and physical pleasure. For crying out loud, "making love" has been a euphemism for sex for ages.

 

I grew up in a conservative church and was super involved in a campus ministry full of people who wanted to save sex for marriage, and even I felt out of place due to my lack of sexual desire. I kept hearing pastors say that we're all sexual beings and that God gave us sexual desires as a gift. Every single sermon I had ever heard about sex in my entire life had this (often unspoken) built-in assumption that every single person has sexual feelings for other people, and this left me feeling very alienated and confused about myself for a very long time.

 

Again, I don't have a problem with people identifying as asexual spectrum when they have the "almost asexual" kind of feelings that I mentioned at the beginning of this post. But I have a really hard time taking people seriously when they say that they're demisexual (and therefore aspec) just because they don't want to have hookup sex (and for no other reason than that). Not wanting hookups is very normal.