Asexual wifes with long marriage and kids

[Max36]

I would like to understand if there is anything our asexual wifes had in common. We was a couple for 18 years and we have 3 children. Now we are divorced since a year ago. We had sex maybe 1000 times during this years but my wife never took any initiative for sex so I had to do that every time. I felt that my wife was not in love with me it was more of a friend relation from her side to me. She seldom said no to sex and she enjoyed it during we had sex, but she never told me that she want sex.

I did not think that she was asexual during our marriage it was after our divorce I started thought about it because she was not interested in other men. I also suspected that she was sexually abused during her childhood for many years upto she was 25 of a close relative and that could do that she became asexual.  That was my theory. She did not want to talk about this. She was also very closed emotional and had few friends. She relates to our oldest daughter as her best friend. She relate more to our children as friends not as a parent / children relation.

If you have simular experience please share your ideas or if you want you can pm me.

[GlamRocker]

I'm an asexual and a wife of 14 years. But no kids. I've been an antinatalist since I was fifteen. I knew I wasn't "normal" sexually before getting married. I clued him in that I wasn't going to be having a lot of sex with him. I didn't yet realize how serious this was, that I was not going to change but actually get "worse." But because he was already somewhat aware of what to expect, he seems to have chosen me partially based on my disinterest in sex. I don't think he was aware that he did that, but the nature of our marriage has proven that some sexual people are sick of sex, too. My husband doesn't like the stress sex puts on life. I'm perfect for him in many ways, despite it taking years to understand this.

 

I expected the opposite so strongly that a year into our marriage I decided I was being cruel to him and initiated sex. I thought that I would be a terrible person to get married to someone and then refuse to have sex with them. This created so much confusion and strife in our marriage. I kept up trying to create a sex life for us for ten years, before I figured out that it wasn't me who was keeping us from having a sex life, but my sexual husband who is too stressed out by sex to enjoy it. This is almost funny now that the stress of this experience is passing.

 

There is one thing that still bothers me about it. I've spoken to my husband frankly on this subject, telling him everything I've told you here. About five years ago I told him I wasn't going to do anything sexual with him anymore because he obviously didn't want me to, no matter what he said, as he would often verbally express interest in having sex, his indifferent actions speak louder. So there is no reason to put myself through the stress of it when he is well aware that I have zero sexual needs. He's admitted everything I said was true, so the weird stress of our sex life is over. But I think having this out in the open hurts his self-esteem. I hate this, but I don't know how to help it, as it is the truth. I wish he would just get over linking sexual prowess to his worth as a person. I can't understand how he takes this seriously. I know the whole world has driven it into his head, but I still can't understand why he actually listens. Everyone is so stupid, there's nothing to listen to. But I love him very much and just want him to feel good about himself, so I'm always trying to find ways to boost his self-esteem.

[kumiko_itoe]

I am an asexual wife. We have been married for almost 7 years and have 3 kids. 

My mom is also an asexual wife (though I am an only child, my mom has had 3 miscarriages before me). 

 

 

Lets start with my mom. She is romantic asexual and she loved my dad tremendously but didn't care for sex. Though she obliged every time he initiated....she also relates to me more as a bestfriend than as a mother. From the time I was 18 months old, we were having conversations about the world, sex, and numerous other things where I was allowed to voice my opinions and form my own view of life with no judgement from her. Since my mom didn't have much wish for sex, my dad naturally had affairs.  They are separated now but they lived in the same house until I got married for my sake. They are friends now - my mom lives with me in my house while my dad lives just opposite us. 

 

Coming to me, I am demi-asexual. Which means I do have my moments where I initiate. My husband and past dates/boyfriend have also mentioned that I'm very sensual in my movements/behaviour and my dressing can be really sexy besides being a crazy flirt with the person I am in a relationship with (which makes most people feel that there is no way I could be asexual in anyway)...its just me though. Just because I'm being sensual or sexy, most of the time my mind is totally innocent and sex is the furthest thing in my mind. 

 Though I truly love my husband, I range from enjoying physical touch to being totally sex repulsed (nothing to do with monthly cycles). Its just that I love cuddles and kisses but I don't always want it to lead to sex. For us asexuals, if we give in when our partners initiate, it means that we do love our partners -- -  otherwise we wouldn't give in at all.  

My husband doesn't believe asexuality exists. To him he feels the honour is his that I was a virgin with him though. 

 

 

I am lucky that my husband understands me and that he is cool with us stopping halfway through hot sex and both deciding that we would rather watch a movie in each other's arms or have a game of chess. I think he has had enough bad experiences with past girlfriends and his ex-wife to realise that sex is secondary in a good relationship. Its more important to have someone love you wholeheartedly. 

 

Feel free to reply or PM me if you want to discuss further