I'm seeking advice

[Don't13]

Hello everyone! First of all, I'm glad this commuity exists and has so many ace info to offer.
I realised my asexuality at 16 years old, now I'm in my twenties and nothing changed. I've always been more mature than I should but, despite the fact that I could understand very well all the matters when it came to sexuality, I've never been interested in it.
• The real deal came when a guy (heterosexual, a normal person from the sexual needs point of view, let's say) has entered in my life and, from a nice friendship, things evolved into something else. I was ok with the idea, I gave it a try as an experiment on myself and I realised that being into a romantic relationship can be a nice thing. Even though I'm not a person who enjoys physical closeness, hugging, kissing and some sort of petting (which I'm not a fan of and of course with clothes ON because I'm literaly afraid of stripping them down) were fine and somehow pleasant activities to go for (as long as nothing involved getting under the belt because I don't suffer it).

• The big advantage in my case is that I am in a long distance relationship so I can easily avoid the nasty feeling of trying to explain why I don't feel like killing my virginity and I'm conscious about the fact that being in a relationship with someone sexual will imply sexual activities as well, it's just a matter of time.
• Yeah, so:
• 1. It gives me heavy anxiety just by thinking about getting naked/seeing sb naked (I cannot even stand looking at pictures with nudes, it makes me feel simply disgusted even if the person is hot). I tried some times to see just for the sake of seeing if I can get horny or not and well, nothing brings me to that phase.
• 2. However, I can feel sensual atraction although I'm afraid that staying to this kissing and cuddling stage won't help our relationship to work... I can make compromises for sb I love but I admit I respect myself too much to do a thing that would totally make me feel awful.
Can you give me some advice? Should I end it and avoid getting into relationships again? And, can I do something for my aversion of seeing naked people? (I know it sounds very silly)

I know there are similar posts, I had read a good part of them but I wanted some help on my problem as well. Thank you for your time.

[thylacine]

This sounds like a difficult situation. Have you told the person you are asexual?

[JMR]

Have you brought any of this up with him? The person I’m with ended up being totally ok with my asexuality and the possibility of us never entering a sexual relationship (I ended up being more sex positive than I initially thought I would be, but we dated with the intention of us never being sexually intimate and I was very blunt about what our relationship would look like and where I saw it going). 

 

Being open and honest is so important! Make sure you’re both on the same page and aware of where your boundaries are!

[anisotrophic]

3 hours ago, Don't13 said:

I am in a long distance relationship so I can easily avoid the nasty feeling of trying to explain why I don't feel like killing my virginity

It sounds like you aren't being up front about your asexuality while leading someone to fall in love with you.

 

This is pretty awful, you're potentially setting someone up for a lot of pain.

 

Also virginity isn't a thing protect from being "killed", no more than it's a thing to strive to get rid of, it's just a word to describe a thing you haven't done?

[AspieAlly613]

I would recommend making sure he knows exactly where your boundaries are.  The difficulty becomes telling him "I don't want to have sex" without accidentally making him think "I want to eventually have sex, just not with you."

[Trebledteen897]

I pretty much agree with what everyone is sharing here. If you feel comfortable, share with them your feelings about physical closeness and sexual relations, and establish boundaries. Hopefully your friend/partner will be respectful, even if they desire sex/physical closeness more than you. If not, it's probably best for both of you to end things before they get hurt or you feel pressured into doing something you don't want to do. If they end up being okay with it, keep telling them what you feel comfortable doing/not doing and have constant communication to make sure both of you are happy.

 

Hope this helps!

[everywhere and nowhere]

First, I just want to say that I absolutely understand your discomfort with nudity. While for me it's limited to self-related feelings (I don't feel any kind of disgust when seeing naked people, although I would surely be very uneasy with someone being naked close to me... it's just a situation which generally doesn't happen with my lifestyle), in fact my nudity aversion is the most important factor which pushes me far into "sex-averse" territory. I mean - there are definitely other factors, I find the idea of someone doing something to my body terrifying too. But there could perhaps be some area of compromise if not for the fact that I couldn't even undress in another person's presence, not even in the darkness. I just don't regret my nudity aversion in any way, I would never want to be comfortable with nudity and capable of having sex. Sex is something I actively want to never happen to me.

 

Anyway, the most important thing is: you really should tell him that you are asexual. I understand that asexuals really rarely "lead people on", as some like to accuse them - they rather enter relationships while not even fully realising their orientation and later they feel too uncomfortable with coming out because of fear of rejection and judgement. But it has to happen at some point.

I reject sex normativity. I believe that nobody should ever have unwanted sex and that everyone has a right to choose not to have sex for any reason, not just asexuals. I want celibacy to become as acceptable as sexual activity, I want people to understand that the concept of sexual freedom is void and contradictory if it doesn't include the freedom to not pursue sexual activity. So, again: a person doesn't even have to be asexual to have an "excuse" from having sex which is, in my eyes, "good enough". I'm cognitively fine with people (especially women, because it's just more common for them) who just "don't feel ready for sex" and never find themselves ready - as long as they accept it, there's nothing pathological about it and nothing to "fix". I'm always willing to defend them against sexual pressure, to remind on and on that not having sex is always a valid choice.

However, if a person who for any reason doesn't want to have sex is in a relationship, it requires honesty. Most people expect sex to be a part of a relationship. While I would like it to change - to the extent that people should be ready to acknowledge relationships without sex as real relationships - there's also nothing wrong with someone who doesn't feel like they could be in such a relationship. I'd never recommend "compromise sex" to sex-averse people. Because of the trauma potential of undesired sex, the preference of the person who doesn't want to have sex should have priority over the preference of the one who does. But that person must also know where they're standing. They should know that it's not just a case of "I'm not ready for it, but I may be in another three months", that their partner's inherent preference may be "no sex ever". Anyone deserves better than just staying by force of inertia in a relationship which doesn't satisfy their needs. So the non-asexual partner should know and should be able to discuss the options.

Be prepared that he might decide that he just couldn't stay in a relationship with the perspective of never having sex. It's a choice to be respected. However, be wary of possible rections which either are never acceptable or just show lack of understanding on his part. I just hope that it doesn't happen, that he's a decent person.

• He has no right to pressure, guilt, shame, blackmail you into having sex. Never relent to such pressure. Your preferences matter too, they aren't less important than his. Having sex with someone - particularly if one has never had sex with anyone before - is a very serious decision. Sex isn't universally good, some people just don't have the ability to enjoy it or even just to be comfortable with it. Their wishes should be respected and they should never be pressured into having sex because having sex while being so uncomfortable with it can be a deeply traumatic experience.
• Unfortunately, some people find it hard to understand asexuality. If it's also your boyfriend's case, take care to keep explaining everything - and if he still refuses to understand, then, unfortunately, it's time to go. First, as @AspieAlly613 suggested: some people may believe that it's because their partner doesn't love them of doesn't find them attractive. Make sure to tell him that you don't feel like having sex with anyone and that you find it very unlikely to change if that was any other person. Make sure to tell him that you love him and that for you sex simply isn't a desired expression of love.
• Another possible misunderstanding: because asexuality is still relatively unknown and often actively ridiculed, but "not being ready for sex" is comparatively much more recognisable, the former might easily be mistaken for the latter. It's an unintentional trap, first of all because while most people recognise "not being ready for sex" as something real - they also expect that the other person will at some point become ready. Even for some non-asexual people who just don't find it easy to feel comfortable with sex, that period might be too short. And I don't condone having sex before one is ready - regardless of whether it happens after one week of relationship or after five years, regardless of whether one feels ready at the age of 18, 35, 50 - or never. Just be prepared for this kind of misunderstanding because it's relatively likely and may happen without any bad intentions on the allosexual person's part. Perhaps such a person subconsciously wants to retain "hope" that their partner's feelings will change... In some cases they might change, as @JMR's example shows, but the allosexual partner simply shouldn't count on it. Some asexual people are comfortable with having sex, some may become comfortable with having sex after a longer period of time, but some will never feel comfortable with such a perspective and there's nothing wrong with that. It doesn't mean that they don't love their partners or that they are more selfish that those asexuals who are willing to "compromise".

[anisotrophic]

Something I think is hard for asexuals to appreciate is that, for sexual people, love is tied to sex.

 

Wanting sex not connected love is entirely possible for many people -- but neither is it unusual to want to feel love and trust before feeling comfortable and desiring sex. "Demisexual" a reasonably common experience of sexuality -- and so many potential partners will think this is what you are experiencing (thus "not ready yet").

 

This means, yes, a sexual might be pressuring for sex, not coming from a place a love. Walk away from that. But on the other hand: a sexual that is in love, and their sexual attraction is not reciprocated, has the potential to feel rejected in a very deep and painful way. (My personal experience has been rejection is despair, a stabbing pain in my gut, and nausea.) That pain can become unintentionally "coercive". Can you maintain your own boundaries on this? (And worse yet, what if someone is faking that pain? How can we ever really know? "Trust me" is an approach manipulative people may use to get someone interested in sex -- when they, themselves, don't feel that connection.)

 

Maintain your boundaries, but don't assume a partner isn't also feeling pain. Know that mixed relationships have a lot of potential to hurt one or both partners. Know that it's your responsibility to communicate if you have an asexual orientation, nobody is going to know that, it's not well understood, and they will (possibly reasonably) assume other things.

 

You have a responsibility to communicate, with a lot of clarity, up and continuously -- or try to break it off, if that's not possible.

[Don't13]

Wow, I didn't expect to see so many replies, thank you all very much! 

@thylacine, I haven't told him like straight in his face "Man, I'm asexual and I can do nothing about it". To be honest, I think I should do it soon...

The fact is that we've been friends for 3 years and together for 2 and he knew that I was never interested in having a boyfriend in general ( I'm totally a tomboy and I never thought in being into a relationship) and he was even surprised that I accepted to kiss. So, somehow, he knows I'm not into sex (I drop hints about it but, yeah, I should say it straight).

 

@JMR, your story brings such a positive vibe. I wish things could be like that also in my case, not necessary because I want to stay in the relationship, but because, once with the break up, I will probably lose someone who shares my interests and with whom I get along really well which is rare for me. You're very right, honesty should be always the safe path.

 

@anisotrophic, my mistake was that, regardless to my feeling of being asexual, I thought that I may be just a "late bloomer" (I read the thred about that on this forum after). So, taking into account that the "game" was safe (being my friend and having a strong emotional connection) I gave it a try. Later, I realised that I may hurt him and that put me on thoughts. We are always honest with each other but this topic sucks.

I bet is hard for the sexual partner to understand the asexual one; is the same as I cannot understand his sexual needs. 

And, at the part with the virginity, I understood what you meant, I just said it like that because I couldn't find a better way to express it. 

 

@AspieAlly613, that's exactly the thing I was afraid of because I know people can hardly understand how asexual work and saying it in the wrong way would lead to misunderstanding and probably pain. 

 

@Trebledteen897, it's true that communication should be the base of any relationship and, for now, we have been very open about lots of topics (excluding this difficult but oh so important one). I didn't realise its importance unless I suddenly got exactly in it.

Establishing boundaries could work if he will be tolerant and emphatic, maybe it will work. 

 

@Nowhere Girl I really appreciate everything you said there and it seems like the fear of nudity is actually a thing. Initially, I was under the impression that is just a phase and I will get over it but the thought of getting undressed near someone else gives me true anxiety. Not to say about the idea of having sex (any kind of) which gives me physically sickness. 

I'm sure I have a strong aversion. 

Yes, it's difficult to bring up the problem and hope that the other person will understand your condition.

I'm just wondering, what if I end my relationship now but my orientation will suffer changes in the future and I will be open to maintain the physical part of a relationship? Maybe I would regret what I did,  who knows...

One sure thing is that under no circumstances, I will accept having sex; like you said, some are never prepared for it because of their own reasons and that's alright. 

I'm very conscious about the fact that he may decide to end it and (at least in my mind) I'm fine with the idea. It's not fair to be selfish and keep sb if you cannot make them happy. I totally respect his decision.

Fortunately, he's a very respectful guy when it comes to my limits and he always said that I mustn't go further if I don't feel like doing it and also that I don't have to explain anything but just to say if I'm not confortable with something. His attitude may sound nice but I'm pretty sure that no matter how patient and tolerant a person is, it will come a time when questions will start to appear. 

Misunderstanding the problem would be the worst part because he would definitely suffer and that's not the point. If I could tell him in such a way that he would get that the issue is just mine and is not related with him, it would be great ( this whole thing may hurt his masculinity anyway even though I find him attractive, he's a hot guy but for me this works just in the sensual way). This can be easily seen as "you're not good enough for me" which would be a mistake because I'm 100% sure that I wouldn't  make sex no matter how the partner would be. 

I would love if the physical part of a relationship would be totally separated from the emotional (and maybe romantic) one. The mechanism would work a lot easier and would be more suitable for the asexual people. 

 

 

[thylacine]

Well, good luck.  I hope it works out okay for yah.