Trying to find answers

[Jandy]

Hi.  This is quite difficult for me as I have just accepted that my husband is asexual and doesn't find me ( or anyone else) sexually attractive. I must admit that I hadn't heard of asexuality until very recently. Weve been together for 27 years. At the beginning I found it strange that all the things I enjoyed doing regarding sex didn't seem to work for him. As soon as I got pregnant our sex life became almost non  existent.(we had both Been married before and I had four children whereas he had none) Only happening when after a few months of nothing or being rejected on my advances I got so upset and angry that I couldn't sleep. This became our normal cycle. I couldn't understand how he didn't always want to kiss me or touch me but he was in fact just going through the motions to try and keep me happy. 

I need to add that he has suffered from depression since he was a teenager. Now due to something awful that happened last year and is ongoing he has also been diagnosed with Complex post traumatic stress disorder and learning difficulties and HFA and BPD.( He was sexually verbally physically and emotionally abused over several years in his childhood. He didn't admit to any of this until into his 30s) 

He started using the internet to try and help with the problems we were having ..obviously not realising that he was asexual. It just made him feel worse when none of it helped him to satisfy my needs.

It's such a shame that he has had to suffer like this through medical professionals not reckognising these mental health issues on one  of the many occasions he visited them. I'm in my sixties ( and he's in his fifties) 

It's proving very difficult to get other people to understand his asexuality and that it's possible to say things that are sexual and not actually mean them in that way. 

All things that I would consider sexual he just sees as complimentary to that person. 

 

 

 

[Guest]

I’m sorry to hear that your husband had such a bad childhood. But you should know that being asexual doesn’t mean that you have been sexually abused or chosen to be. As an aromantic asexual person i can relate to his feelings you know not be sexually attracted or romantically attracted to anyone. I wanna give my answer on why i am what i am.

Why do i not get sexually attracted to anyone like most people?

Well when i was a teenager and was taught about sex in school i wasn’t that interested in that stuff. I thought it was because i didn’t understood(because i have autism) what love between 2 people was. My parents didn’t allow me to have the so called sex week in school( because in Denmark where i live sex plays a huge important part in the danish society and their country. That’s why they teach young ones about sex. That’s why being aromantic asexual can be hard sometimes but i tell the reason later) because they and me are christians. But it didn’t meant that sex wasn’t allowed to talk about at home cause the reason why they really didn’t allow me to be taught about sex in school was because they wanted to teach me and my siblings about sex. Like if we had any questions related to that they would answer us. So we all know that. But not even that could woke interest in me. It wasn’t until 2 months ago that i found out that i weren’t the only one who felt the same way when i watched a video about asexuality.         Ok but why aren’t you romantically attracted to anyone? 

It’s actually kind of the same time period when i was a teenager. Everyone in my class would talk about having a girlfriend or boyfriend, who their biggest crush are or who the hottest boy or girl where. Especially when i entered the special education for disabled people many in my class would talk about their problems with their boyfriends or girlfriends and anything else i said before what crush they all have and so more. But that didn’t interest me at all and i found(still finds) romantic movies or music or series extremely boring. And to make the story short it ended the same way as when i found out my asexuality.

 

This was my story. But not all asexuals are aromantic. Many of them have romantic feelings toward a person, some of them are like your husband and I could mention some more. Many of the asexuals here can tell everything what they feel about themselves and their sexuality and their partners or no partners. We all have a different asexual orientations. But it doesn’t mean that we all are sick, disabled, mentally ill, depressed or can’t love. Many people in society especially where i come from as mentioned earlier might see us as an outcast, might be judgmental or asking us questions about our asexuality. Especially when a country focus so much on having a partner and having sex. That’s why i am so glad that i came out to my family and friends on Instagram. I was scared at first because I didn’t knew what their reaction might be since they care so much about me and want me the best. But they weren’t mad. They were actually proud of me for coming out. Many of my family members knew that i were aromantic asexual. The last thing i want to say is that it’s not wrong to be aromantic asexual or just asexual. We’re all people who wants to be treated the same way as anyone else💜💜💜🖤🖤🖤

[Marlow1]

10 hours ago, Jandy said:

Hi.  This is quite difficult for me as I have just accepted that my husband is asexual and doesn't find me ( or anyone else) sexually attractive. I must admit that I hadn't heard of asexuality until very recently. Weve been together for 27 years. At the beginning I found it strange that all the things I enjoyed doing regarding sex didn't seem to work for him. As soon as I got pregnant our sex life became almost non  existent.(we had both Been married before and I had four children whereas he had none) Only happening when after a few months of nothing or being rejected on my advances I got so upset and angry that I couldn't sleep. This became our normal cycle. I couldn't understand how he didn't always want to kiss me or touch me but he was in fact just going through the motions to try and keep me happy. 

I need to add that he has suffered from depression since he was a teenager. Now due to something awful that happened last year and is ongoing he has also been diagnosed with Complex post traumatic stress disorder and learning difficulties and HFA and BPD.( He was sexually verbally physically and emotionally abused over several years in his childhood. He didn't admit to any of this until into his 30s) 

He started using the internet to try and help with the problems we were having ..obviously not realising that he was asexual. It just made him feel worse when none of it helped him to satisfy my needs.

It's such a shame that he has had to suffer like this through medical professionals not reckognising these mental health issues on one  of the many occasions he visited them. I'm in my sixties ( and he's in his fifties) 

It's proving very difficult to get other people to understand his asexuality and that it's possible to say things that are sexual and not actually mean them in that way. 

All things that I would consider sexual he just sees as complimentary to that person. 

 

 

 

@Jandy I am a 63 year old man married to a 52 year old woman. We have been together for 28 years. Only recently I  discovered that other people see the world and experience sexuality very differently to me. I have Aphantasia and this limits my ability to become attracted, to fantasize, to recognise and understand flirting, and so on

 

https://www.vice.com/en_uk/article/kwkway/what-its-like-to-instantly-forget-what-friends-and-lovers-looks-like

 

My wife has been in a similar position to this what you are describing regarding yourself. All I can tell you is that coming here to AVEN everyday, sharing here, and reading the posts has made an enormous difference to our lives. 

 

Just a few years ago you would have said our relationship had zero chance of surviving, but not only is it surviving it is flourishing. 

 

I wish I had more time to explain why this is so but I have to rush out right now. If you want to know more about how my wife and I have turned things around please have a look at my previous posts. To do this all that you need to do is place the word 'Aphantasia' in the above search box and where it says author type in 'Marlow1'. 

 

I will be home in an hour or two. If you want to ask me anything regarding how we have turned things around then please do so. Bye for now!! 

[DragonSpirit]

19 hours ago, Jandy said:

I need to add that he has suffered from depression since he was a teenager. Now due to something awful that happened last year and is ongoing he has also been diagnosed with Complex post traumatic stress disorder and learning difficulties and HFA and BPD.( He was sexually verbally physically and emotionally abused over several years in his childhood.

I'm so sorry. He's had a really rough time.

By the way, sometimes people can be asexual because of trauma a disability. I would guess it's not all that common, but that could be a reason. Or maybe he was already asexual. 

Either way, I hope your husband will eventually heal from his depression and everything else. 💜

[Jandy]

My husband as I say has at last admitted that our virtually non existent sex life over the last 25 years is because he isn't sexually attracted to me or in fact anyone. 

I am obviously finding this difficult but wish he had told me this sooner so that we could have worked through things together and not left me feeling upset and hurt when nothing happened. The only time it did was when I'd been upset... And angry for several days and he felt he had to to please me. He admits that he got nothing out of it except the pleasant feeling that comes with ejaculation. He just went through the motions. 

I'm interested to know if someone who is asexual can talk in a sexual way and not get sexual gratification from it. 

AVEN has gone a long way to helping me understand asexuality and although I can't turn off my sexual feelings it does help to know why our time together has been how it is. And how we can work to together on this. 

[Jandy]

On 8/19/2019 at 9:59 PM, Marlow1 said:

@Jandy I am a 63 year old man married to a 52 year old woman. We have been together for 28 years. Only recently I  discovered that other people see the world and experience sexuality very differently to me. I have Aphantasia and this limits my ability to become attracted, to fantasize, to recognise and understand flirting, and so on

 

https://www.vice.com/en_uk/article/kwkway/what-its-like-to-instantly-forget-what-friends-and-lovers-looks-like

 

My wife has been in a similar position to this what you are describing regarding yourself. All I can tell you is that coming here to AVEN everyday, sharing here, and reading the posts has made an enormous difference to our lives. 

 

Just a few years ago you would have said our relationship had zero chance of surviving, but not only is it surviving it is flourishing. 

 

I wish I had more time to explain why this is so but I have to rush out right now. If you want to know more about how my wife and I have turned things around please have a look at my previous posts. To do this all that you need to do is place the word 'Aphantasia' in the above search box and where it says author type in 'Marlow1'. 

 

I will be home in an hour or two. If you want to ask me anything regarding how we have turned things around then please do so. Bye for now!! 

Anything that can help us would be very useful thank you. 

I have posted again on here but not sure if you can see it

[Marlow1]

@Jandy

 

 

 

 

[ben8884]

Moved from Asexual Musings and Rantings. Ben8884 Moderator for Asexual Musings and Rantings 

[Jandy]

12 hours ago, Marlow1 said:

@Jandy If you have been reading the posts here you perhaps already know  that many folk that are Asexual do not know that they are not  experiencing sexual attraction to other people. When a person has never experienced something it is difficult for them to know they have not experienced something. Like a person  that is colour blind might not know they are colour blind since nobody ever told them there were other colours to those they are seeing, and even if somebody told them, could that person really understand what the colour they are not seeing actually looks like?

 

This is how it was for me. Before I was 35 years old I had never experienced sexual attraction, and because I had not done so there was no way for me to know what sexual attraction actually is. Even now, now that I can experience it, all I can tell you is that the way I experience it is very very differently to the way my wife experiences it

 

As you may know, I have Aphantasia. I am not saying that your husband has this, most Asexual people do not have Aphantasia. But I am bringing this up because I am hoping that knowing this might help you appreciate that there are people out here that are wired up very differently to the average person

 

https://theestablishment.co/i-have-no-sexual-fantasies-due-to-aphantasia/index.html

 

And

 

 

I know without question that my Aphantasia limits my ability to become attracted to people. Why do I know this? Well to put it simply, it was only when we, my wife, our therapist and me, realised that I had Aphantasia, that we were able to work out how best to sort my difficulties out

 

My story is very long and it might help you if you read through some of my old posts because in them I explain how I did not become sexually attracted to anybody until I was 35 years old, and although I am 63 years old now, in all that time I have never become attracted to anybody else but my wife

 

A few years ago I had a brain hemorrhage, and following this I once again lost my ability to become sexually attracted. What our Therapist realised was that since I do not think in words or pictures, I must think in concepts and, since I had been attracted to my wife before the brain hemorrhage, logic suggested that maybe I needed a lot of information about my wife so that I can become attracted again

 

Between us we set about reliving our courtship. We new that I loved my wife for a variety of reasons, her intelligence, the fun times we had together, romantic times and so on and so we set about arranging our lives so that these things could be rekindled. 

 

Now if your husband is Asexual, and not Demisexual, this what I am suggesting will not enable him to become sexually attracted, but if you are able to live as you did when you first met it might help both of you feel better about the situation. And once some peace and joy has returned to your relationship this should help you both come to terms with the pain and suffering you are both going through right now. In my case it was when the expectation for sex was removed that it made it easier for me to get back into the swing of things again, if that makes sense

 

It might be useful if you both try to figure out how husband is attracted to you, not sexually but generally, and if this was the same as in the past. Chances are it's your personality, he may see you as inspiring, supportive, fun to be with, intellectually on his level, or something like this. You guys need to figure this out and perhaps spend more time doing things that bring about opportunities for him to show you love and appreciation in these ways. I know that right now this is not what you are seeking, you clearly would be happier feeling that you are desired sexually, but although this might not be possible, allowing your husband to show you love in the ways that he can do might help you both communicate better whist you are both learning about Asexuality, and so on

 

Also, it's a good idea to find out what he does like physically. If it is not sex then what about a sensual massage, or what about just holding hands, or you washing his hair, or something. Most fok have at least one way they like to be touched, if you can figure this out then between you you guys can find ways to share your love in this particular way

 

It might be worth asking which he prefers, fun times, romantic times, intellectual moments and so on. He might not be sure so giving examples of these things might help. And again, the more things you can work out regarding this the more happy times you can both share and through these happy times intimacy can develop. 

 

With the ups and downs of our marriage and the difficulties my wife has had at the times when I have not been attracted to her she developed anger and resentment which made her not want to try to turn things around. I could give you a list as long as my arm of all the terrible things I have said to her, really hurtful stuff, which at the time I had no idea could hurt her

 

I do not see the world, life, our relationship and so on through the same lense that she sees things. For my wife love, sex, marriage, etc, it is all a very passionate, romantic, intense, lusy thing, for me it is a strong loving devoted romantic friendship. Our styles are very different, but we have learned to get these styles to complement each other

 

I think you may struggle to find a Relationship Therapists that understands Asexual/Sexual relationships but if you can find one they will be able to help you work through a program something similar to what I am describing. Other things a Therapist could help you with are things like if your husband is sex repulsed, scheduling sex and so on. The list is long and very different for each couple

 

My wife and I have been in therapy for a long time now, and we are continuing with it, mainly because I forget so much stuff, due to my Aphantasia and brain injury, and because it works, it really has worked for us and believe me, if you and your husband still love each other, and it sounds like you do, I really do believe it would work for. You

 

 

 

[Jandy]

Thank you for this. Yes we still love each other and holding hands seems to be his preferred way of showing affection. We hold hands watching TV, we hold hands when out walking, we hold hands going to sleep at night. Until you replied I hadn't realised how often this happens and how it makes both of us happy. If we are sitting together without realising it one of us seeks out the others hand so perhaps we have always done this to compensate for his asexuality without even realising it. As I said he has a lot of mental health issues that have got him into a lot of trouble. As well as all the diagnosed one I believe him to have high functioning autism (aspergers) It explains a lot about his difficulties over the years with with lack of socialising, stimming, being unable to read people's feelings and his sudden anger. His being unable to have a conversation with anyone very easily. He too has said some awful things to me in the past including trying to say that the lack of sex was my fault because I was fat!! Due to his memory problems he has no recollection of a great deal of our past or his prior to us meeting. 

Only certain issues that lead to his complex PTSD and BPD diagnoses. (which were only discovered last year due to something that happened which in afraid I can't tell you about) 

He has always felt different and has led an uncomfortable life trying to understand why. Don't get me wrong we've had a lot of good times but they have often been overshadowed by the unknown elephant in the room. 

I feel like I've always been treading on eggshells. 

If we had known about him being asexual and all the mental health issues we could have worked through it all and had a much better life. Although due to his memory problems he can recall very little of our life together. 

 

[Jandy]

On 8/20/2019 at 6:21 AM, DragonSpirit said:

I'm so sorry. He's had a really rough time.

By the way, sometimes people can be asexual because of trauma a disability. I would guess it's not all that common, but that could be a reason. Or maybe he was already asexual. 

Either way, I hope your husband will eventually heal from his depression and everything else. 💜

Thank you

[Jandy]

On 8/19/2019 at 8:40 PM, Cocothecoconut said:

I’m sorry to hear that your husband had such a bad childhood. But you should know that being asexual doesn’t mean that you have been sexually abused or chosen to be. As an aromantic asexual person i can relate to his feelings you know not be sexually attracted or romantically attracted to anyone. I wanna give my answer on why i am what i am.

Why do i not get sexually attracted to anyone like most people?

Well when i was a teenager and was taught about sex in school i wasn’t that interested in that stuff. I thought it was because i didn’t understood(because i have autism) what love between 2 people was. My parents didn’t allow me to have the so called sex week in school( because in Denmark where i live sex plays a huge important part in the danish society and their country. That’s why they teach young ones about sex. That’s why being aromantic asexual can be hard sometimes but i tell the reason later) because they and me are christians. But it didn’t meant that sex wasn’t allowed to talk about at home cause the reason why they really didn’t allow me to be taught about sex in school was because they wanted to teach me and my siblings about sex. Like if we had any questions related to that they would answer us. So we all know that. But not even that could woke interest in me. It wasn’t until 2 months ago that i found out that i weren’t the only one who felt the same way when i watched a video about asexuality.         Ok but why aren’t you romantically attracted to anyone? 

It’s actually kind of the same time period when i was a teenager. Everyone in my class would talk about having a girlfriend or boyfriend, who their biggest crush are or who the hottest boy or girl where. Especially when i entered the special education for disabled people many in my class would talk about their problems with their boyfriends or girlfriends and anything else i said before what crush they all have and so more. But that didn’t interest me at all and i found(still finds) romantic movies or music or series extremely boring. And to make the story short it ended the same way as when i found out my asexuality.

 

This was my story. But not all asexuals are aromantic. Many of them have romantic feelings toward a person, some of them are like your husband and I could mention some more. Many of the asexuals here can tell everything what they feel about themselves and their sexuality and their partners or no partners. We all have a different asexual orientations. But it doesn’t mean that we all are sick, disabled, mentally ill, depressed or can’t love. Many people in society especially where i come from as mentioned earlier might see us as an outcast, might be judgmental or asking us questions about our asexuality. Especially when a country focus so much on having a partner and having sex. That’s why i am so glad that i came out to my family and friends on Instagram. I was scared at first because I didn’t knew what their reaction might be since they care so much about me and want me the best. But they weren’t mad. They were actually proud of me for coming out. Many of my family members knew that i were aromantic asexual. The last thing i want to say is that it’s not wrong to be aromantic asexual or just asexual. We’re all people who wants to be treated the same way as anyone else💜💜💜🖤🖤🖤

 

[Jandy]

Thank you for your reply. As I say I had not heard of asexuality until very recently. I have done a lot of research on my husbands mental health diagnoses and on asexuality since something happened last year that has caused him (and me), a great deal of anguish. So I have been looking for answers. The trouble is there are so many people out there who don't understand. 

 

 

[Marlow1]

@Jandy

 

 

AND

 

 

[Marlow1]

@JandyIt is  mainly my wife that does the work, she edits the pictures and puts them in a scrap book with little stories about our life. 

[Jandy]

On 4/18/2016 at 3:01 AM, FaerieFate said:

What is asexuality?

The definition of Asexuality in itself is a highly debated topic on AVEN as you'll find the thread "Is AVEN sending us mixed messages?" as well as this thread "Asexual Spectrum/Umbrella References" However, there's two general definitions that are used.

1. Someone who does not experience sexual attraction to any gender.
2. Someone who has no desire for partnered sex.

It's safe to say, that as long as your definition fits under one of these two categories, you can call yourself asexual.

 

Back To Top

 

16 hours ago, Shadowbird said:

If a person experiences "exclusive arousal" (sexually aroused) toward a specific sex, but are not interested in nor desire engaging in targeted sexual activities, are they asexual?

Or specifically/for instance, if a person is only sexually aroused by those of the same sex/never the other sex, but does not pursue sexual relationships with any of them due to disinterest in having sex, are they asexual (and not homosexual)?

 

Is any of this possible?

 

On 8/19/2019 at 9:59 PM, Marlow1 said:

@Jandy I am a 63 year old man married to a 52 year old woman. We have been together for 28 years. Only recently I  discovered that other people see the world and experience sexuality very differently to me. I have Aphantasia and this limits my ability to become attracted, to fantasize, to recognise and understand flirting, and so on

 

https://www.vice.com/en_uk/article/kwkway/what-its-like-to-instantly-forget-what-friends-and-lovers-looks-like

 

My wife has been in a similar position to this what you are describing regarding yourself. All I can tell you is that coming here to AVEN everyday, sharing here, and reading the posts has made an enormous difference to our lives. 

 

Just a few years ago you would have said our relationship had zero chance of surviving, but not only is it surviving it is flourishing. 

 

I wish I had more time to explain why this is so but I have to rush out right now. If you want to know more about how my wife and I have turned things around please have a look at my previous posts. To do this all that you need to do is place the word 'Aphantasia' in the above search box and where it says author type in 'Marlow1'. 

 

I will be home in an hour or two. If you want to ask me anything regarding how we have turned things around then please do so. Bye for now!! 

 

[Ceebs]

...?

[iff]

This thread has not been active for a long time and is now being locked. If anyone would like to discuss this topic further, feel free to start a new thread about it.

 

Iff, 

Moderator, sexual partners, friends, and allies