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How to start communication about your partner being potentially asexual


DVJ

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Hello

 

I believe my girlfriend (6 months together) is being asexual. I'm not... obviously. We never performed the act so far, yet we have had a few passional moments. She onces states 'she never really was in the mood for it' when we very delicately talked about sex.

 

In earlier talks she understood that it is normal for couples to have sex and didn't said she didn't really want it, yet she wanted to postpone it for the time being.

 

She is quite perfect for me except for this issue. Her parents, friends and family are fond of me, vice versa with my parents and friends. She's a beautiful girl in almost every way and besides this element of her we match 95% perfectly together. I haven't had much luck in the past in love affairs so this issue is piling on a very high top.

 

Her being potentially asexual is driving me crazy. I'm truely affraid it'll ruin the relationship for me in the medium-long run. She is quite closed emotionally in general, so I wish to really approach the issue in the most ideal way possible to her (and me).

 

How have you people discussed this topic for the first time and what are good/bad practices in this matter?

 

 

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I tried to use asexuality more as a paradigm than a diagnosis, as a way to explore lack of desire in terms of a spectrum of sexuality. Handing someone a new orientation can be upsetting, and in my situation it definitely caused some issues. So I think it's better to frame it as... "look, everyone falls somewhere on this spectrum of very sexual to not sexual at all. Let's explore where we each fall on this sliding scale."

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I think talking about compatibility  may be better than labels.  If you can manage to discuss what frequency and types of sex you need to be happy, and learn what she needs to b happy - then see if there is enough overlap. 

 

It can be difficult though. If she is at all sex repulsed, she could be offended by you telling her what you want to be happy. 

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I agree.  Maybe just try and discuss boundaries with her.  Ask her exactly what she is and is not comfortable with.  Respect her boundaries, and over time see if those boundaries start to change.  She might have trust issues.  She might have anxiety.  She might just be scared.  If any of that is true and you overstep her boundaries she will probably shut down immediately.  Also, if you feel the urge to cross a boundary because you think she's into it, ask permission.  If she says no, then no.  If she says yes, then proceeded gently.  

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