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Re- building trust


Latedev

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Hello everyone. New here and looking for advice. I am a lesbian and been with my partner for 20 years ( married for 16) . I have recently come to realize that I am on the asexuality spectrum which explains my lack of sex drive. This has been the one unexplained, painful area between us. It has eroded my partner’s self esteem and  body image. We love each other and want to work our way through this. I realize that communication is key and now I’m able to understand myself better, I feel more able to communicate more honestly. I am looking for practical help and direction in how to re- build trust in this area of our relationship to establish a basis for the beginning of a new, different physical life together.

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you sound like you have a decent handle on whats going on and how to move forward, all that's left is the  hard work

 

good luck

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anisotrophic

Hi @Latedev, I'm an AFAB enby (just started T) and my partner is cismale. We've been together for a decade and a half, and have kids. I learned about asexuality via my gender therapist and brought it to him. Before, he considered himself bi.

 

I recommend spending time talking about your experiences of sex. In our case, I think we sensed there was some differences, but hadn't fully understood how different they were.

I think it's important to think about what you want for your partner, and for yourself. You have time to prepare; she doesn't. Use that in the best possible way: anticipate her reactions in ways that are kind. I mean things like these: a partner may ask about an open relationship, or accuse you of not loving them, or feel rejected and repulsed by the idea of intimacy with you, or other things inspired by pain – you can react to these things from a place of kindness, and try to avoid a bad cycle of pain.

 

My partner and I both benefited from LGBTQIA+ savvy therapists (basically I kept seeing my gender therapist, he found another at the same practice).

Communication and empathy are key. My view has been that our (a)sexualities are part of who we are; each partner should feel loved for all of themselves, including their sexuality.

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Thanks for the encouragement. Your suggestions are helpful in how best to initiate communication and keep the channels open. A therapist could be useful but we live rurally and I’m not convinced online therapy would work for us. 

I agree, empathy is key and it is up to me to keep us on the right path. 

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anisotrophic
5 hours ago, Latedev said:

it is up to me to keep us on the right path

Well, just at the start. After that, both are responsible...

 

I feel like I've seen a lot of stories on AVEN of people seeming to persist or martyr themselves with a partner that seems to not engage. It's hard to know the full stories... those issues seem to speak to general communication issues in a relationship, within which differences in sexuality are just the proximal issue...

 

Which is all to say, you deserve to feel loved for who you are, as well.

 

The "love languages" framework helped us think explicitly about how we communicate love. In the end I'm a lot happier, even if I'm having a lot less sex now. 😄 It took me maybe half a year to get there though.

 

Good luck!

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15 hours ago, anisotrophic said:

Well, just at the start. After that, both are responsible...

 

I feel like I've seen a lot of stories on AVEN of people seeming to persist or martyr themselves with a partner that seems to not engage. It's hard to know the full stories... those issues seem to speak to general communication issues in a relationship, within which differences in sexuality are just the proximal issue...

 

Which is all to say, you deserve to feel loved for who you are, as well.

 

The "love languages" framework helped us think explicitly about how we communicate love. In the end I'm a lot happier, even if I'm having a lot less sex now. 😄 It took me maybe half a year to get there though.

 

Good luck!

Yes, one of my first challenges is to get over feeling inadequate, guilty, other than normal. I pride myself on being an honest person but due to lack of knowledge about who I am sexually, was never in this area of our relationship. Luckily for me she hung in there. She is a super good communicator where as I have always struggled to explain myself. She has a lot of compassion and loves me but at this moment in time feels rightfully betrayed. I am optimistic that I can start to repair this. Thanks for your support.

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