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Should I tell people I'm asexual?


indigo941

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Hi everyone, 

 

After years of being in a bit of turmoil with my sexuality I have now come to properly accept that I am asexual and am working on being proud of my identity. I struggled with my mental health during sixth form but things have started to get a lot better on the whole since being at university and I can now cope with things better and realise there are things that I cannot help nor change- my sexuality being one of them. 

 

I think coming out would be the next best step for me as it's one less 'secret' that I have to worry about. A lot of conversations at uni tend to be about relationships etc and although they make me feel a bit uncomfortable I can deal with them. I just think if I were to tell my friends I'm asexual they'd see its not that I'm not interested in their conversation, I just can't relate to what they're saying... I don't know if that makes sense or not? 

 

I do have another question. When we go out to pubs/bars etc I get really uncomfortable (to the point of panicking) if say a guy was flirting with me. I don't know whether this is because of me being asexual or not? Like is it a normal response or is this something I need to speak to someone about? 

I should probably add here that I think I probably identify as either aromantic/homoromantic (I'm not sure of this yet though). 

 

That's another thing I'll need to come out with too. My family are gonna love that... I think they'd be fine if I were to come out as a lesbian but I don't think anyones going to understand that I'm asexual. 

My friends... I'm not sure. I'd hope they would be fine but the topic of sexuality hasn't come up before. I don't really know how to bring the topic up either. Any suggestions?! 

 

Sorry for my extremely long post, I just didn't know who to turn to and I needed to get this off my chest x

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Hey there!

Have a belated welcome cake!

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I totally get what you mean when you say,

10 minutes ago, indigo941 said:

I just think if I were to tell my friends I'm asexual they'd see its not that I'm not interested in their conversation, I just can't relate to what they're saying...

I feel pretty similar myself.

 

11 minutes ago, indigo941 said:

When we go out to pubs/bars etc I get really uncomfortable (to the point of panicking) if say a guy was flirting with me.

I would feel uncomfortable too, if someone told me they had feelings for me that I could never reciprocate.

12 minutes ago, indigo941 said:

My friends... I'm not sure. I'd hope they would be fine but the topic of sexuality hasn't come up before. I don't really know how to bring the topic up either. Any suggestions?! 

I think that you could mention it to one of them after they finish one of their conversations that deals with sex, to explain how you see their conversation. In general, people will be fine with you being ace, and probably not even care, but you must evaluate for yourself if someone you want to come out to is one of those idiots who finds something wrong with not being straight. Somehow a christian friend of mine figured out how to say that my asexuality was a sin.

15 minutes ago, indigo941 said:

 

Sorry for my extremely long post, I just didn't know who to turn to and I needed to get this off my chest x

No problem! This is the right place for you to vent!

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The only people who *need* to know you are asexual are romantic  / intimate partners.  Telling anyone else is just whatever you are comfortable with.  I don't tell anyone about my sexuality and am happy for them to draw their own conclusions. 

 

If someone hits on you, its fine to politely let them know that you are not interested.   If they don't stop, you have every right to be less polite. 

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@indigo941 No need to apologize for your post. Getting our feelings out isn't easy.

 

It's completely up to you who you come out to. I'm out to six people. Some of them are close and long term friends. Two are female. I felt that coming out to them as asexual would explain why even though I had known them for many years, I had never acted sexually (let alone romantically) towards them. Both (like the others I've told) responded favourably.

 

 

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26 minutes ago, KeKatCookie said:

The only people who really need to know are potential partners. But coming out... it's a nice feeling. Scary, yeah, but you feel good about yourself afterwards. 

 

I came out to my colleagues today, at my new job. It was kinda an accident lol. I just said 'I'm too ace for this shit' and then of course I had to explain what asexuality is, and I got a few comments like 'you still have plenty of time to change your mind about sex', etc. But genuinely they seemed cool with it, and I feel quite relieved about it. Now they'll hopefully understand why I avoid all the talk about sex. 

Hopefully. 

 

Saying that, I still haven't come out to my parents, so... *shrug* 

 

I think it just depends. Come out when you feel you're ready! & you don't have to be out to everyone all at once. I'm out to my sister, my 2 best friends, and now some of my work colleagues. The first 3 because I trust them. The latter because... well, see above! 

I had never put much thought into coming out but after rejoining AVEN back in 2017 and reading the content, I felt that coming out to at least one person would validate my identity.

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Asexual of Myth & Legend
On 8/15/2019 at 6:37 PM, crazy ace said:

Somehow a christian friend of mine figured out how to say that my asexuality was a sin.

I don't see why. Considering the church's views on lust and sex outside of marriage, you'd think they'd be fine with aces. Also a lot of scholars believe the apostle Paul may have been asexual. It makes sense, actually, if you read some of the stuff he wrote about celibacy. He almost seems to get frustrated with sexual people who find it difficult.

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AceMissBehaving
8 hours ago, I'm No One said:

I don't see why. Considering the church's views on lust and sex outside of marriage, you'd think they'd be fine with aces. Also a lot of scholars believe the apostle Paul may have been asexual. It makes sense, actually, if you read some of the stuff he wrote about celibacy. He almost seems to get frustrated with sexual people who find it difficult.

The outside of marriage part. Once married you’re supposed to have sex and procreate, and at least for the woman, submit to your husband’s desires. 

 

A couple of the Christians on here have made some really interesting posts on the subject, but drawing a blank finding them right now 

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  • 2 weeks later...
On 9/4/2019 at 4:23 AM, crazy ace said:

@I'm No One

He cited "Be fruitful and multiply"

That's not a Christian thing.  It's from Genesis in the Torah -- Hebrew scriptures -- and it was framed as God telling the first humans to enlarge their new earthly footprint.  Christians citing random scriptures that they don't really understand should be ignored.  

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